Miles away from Nowhere
Last post: some time late 2005.
Events since then: Too many to really catalog.
The Journey to Now: I really have to wonder, have I really gotten any where?
Probably not. For all the changes, subtle and large, I am still by and large the same me as I have ever been.
This, apparently, is the root and cause for all of my problems. It has never been enough.
What do you do, as an individual, when you find that everything you are and the way in which you think or do things (for yourself or other people) just is not enough? Do you give up on having a sense of your self, or do you hope that if you persist just long enough, that you can still find a way to make things work?
I never tried the former. But I can tell you, from where I sit, the latter doesn't seem to do much good.
Some might say that it is not "giving up" ones sense of self, at least not in terms of Love or a Relationship. And maybe it is not. It is usually viewed as a compromise between two individuals that make for a greater whole.
But how often is that talked about? How often, do you think, that the parties involved ever just sit down and discuss the want's and need's and perceptions for what they want and what they feel need's to be changed? And what do you do, if you can't feel that you can meet those changes, provide them for the other person, not because you don't care, but because you just don't know how?
I never wanted more than to just be accepted for who and how I am. I thought things had come to pass to make peace with that and come to terms with it. But the mistakes have been too great and have gone on too long, apparently. But they have never been directly expressed in anything other than as conversational asides or in terms of general mocking commentary. I hear about all the deep seated emotional issues regarding everything and everyone except myself, so I become faced with what I am told and what I have to find for myself.
And now we are at the point where everything seems like it is too late to do anything about it, and you probably think I don't care, because I have never been able to find the ways and means to let you know how wrong you are in that assumption.
You want changes. You want more than you have been given or what you feel you have received. Message heard and understood. But I still don't know what to do about it. And it has not been made any easier by the fact that you are now rarely ever here, in your need to escape where you feel you are.
But as always, I'll always still be right here. Just like I have always been. Maybe I don't know how to be or do anything else, but it will never be any less.
Events since then: Too many to really catalog.
The Journey to Now: I really have to wonder, have I really gotten any where?
Probably not. For all the changes, subtle and large, I am still by and large the same me as I have ever been.
This, apparently, is the root and cause for all of my problems. It has never been enough.
What do you do, as an individual, when you find that everything you are and the way in which you think or do things (for yourself or other people) just is not enough? Do you give up on having a sense of your self, or do you hope that if you persist just long enough, that you can still find a way to make things work?
I never tried the former. But I can tell you, from where I sit, the latter doesn't seem to do much good.
Some might say that it is not "giving up" ones sense of self, at least not in terms of Love or a Relationship. And maybe it is not. It is usually viewed as a compromise between two individuals that make for a greater whole.
But how often is that talked about? How often, do you think, that the parties involved ever just sit down and discuss the want's and need's and perceptions for what they want and what they feel need's to be changed? And what do you do, if you can't feel that you can meet those changes, provide them for the other person, not because you don't care, but because you just don't know how?
I never wanted more than to just be accepted for who and how I am. I thought things had come to pass to make peace with that and come to terms with it. But the mistakes have been too great and have gone on too long, apparently. But they have never been directly expressed in anything other than as conversational asides or in terms of general mocking commentary. I hear about all the deep seated emotional issues regarding everything and everyone except myself, so I become faced with what I am told and what I have to find for myself.
And now we are at the point where everything seems like it is too late to do anything about it, and you probably think I don't care, because I have never been able to find the ways and means to let you know how wrong you are in that assumption.
You want changes. You want more than you have been given or what you feel you have received. Message heard and understood. But I still don't know what to do about it. And it has not been made any easier by the fact that you are now rarely ever here, in your need to escape where you feel you are.
But as always, I'll always still be right here. Just like I have always been. Maybe I don't know how to be or do anything else, but it will never be any less.