Stop dying in my dreams, dammit!
So lately my dreams have taken on a rather horrific theme. I've conquered my terrifying dreams of tornadoes and all manner of natural disasters, so naturally my subconscious has to exploit another fear of mine and fill my nights with nothing but that one single thing. And I know this is going to sound really silly, but I think it has to do with the innate fear a lot of people in relationships have, which is pretty much just losing that loved one. In my case, that would be Shun. But instead of the whole chiche of "oh, I dreamed that we broke up and I was really sad" my mind likes to take things and crank them up to eleven, because on two separate occasions I dreamed that Shun was dead set on killing himself and nothing I could do would stop him and that he died in a horrible school shooting we randomly got caught up in.
These things come out of nowhere, too. The dreams they're in will actually be regular, nonsensical dream fair where we're just wandering around and doing shit that only seems normal in dream world. Then all of a sudden, right the fuck out of nowhere, horrible thing suddenly leaps out from the shadows, like a demented bat out of hell, and I'm faced with Shun having some crippling depression he can't escape from except by way of suicide of someone coming in armed to the teeth in the building we happen to be in. My dreams regularly have this crazy ADD and scenery and motivations of people will change on a dime and I'll never notice while I'm still sleeping, and finally it's rearing it's ugly head by making regular, run-of-the-mill dreams suddenly awful, horrific feel-killers- Heat-seeking feels missiles that are targeted at my overwhelming love for my boyfriend. Not to say dream!me acts naturally not any of this, but when I wake up, trying to convince myself that dreams aren't real, I react like it actually happened. And even for a few, brief seconds that shit is potently terrifying, especially to me given my weird emotional dependence on Shun being, well, alive.
The first of the two is probably the best example of horrible immanent-Shun-death development coming unwelcome, unprovoked and suddenly out of nowhere. I forget what we were doing initially, but I have a feeling we were just fucking around (not in that way- if I were to actually refer to THAT I'd be sure to give it some flowery title like "making sweet, passionate love" or something purple like that...) and doing something that would definitely not trigger someone admitting they had plans all along to kill themselves. Sometime during the dream, I found what can only be described as "carbon monoxide canisters" which I'm pretty sure don't exist and are just relics from my dreams. A short deduction sequence later, I concluded that they belonged to Shun, so I sat him down and asked if he had planned to kill himself. Looking away all sad, like he was holding back tears he replied with a simple yes. Even in my dream my heart sank, but I dared to continue on. "Do you want to kill yourself now?" I asked, seeing as I'd asked in the past tense whether he had plans to take his own life or not. Voice cracking, Shun answers ashamedly, "Now more than ever". The very shock of his answer pulled me right out of the dream (but not before a gasp from a random studio audience that happened to appear behind me in the dream filled my ears, but that's neither here nor there) and I don't think I've ever woken up so distraught in my life.
The next dream actually didn't treat Shun's death with any respect at all, and it was a lot less jarring but still pretty fucking depressing thinking back on it. We were in this dormitory that was suddenly overrun by these random guys with their guns a-blazing. No one else in the dorm was being targeted, and no one helped no matter how often we asked or called for someone to assist us. Shun ended up getting gunned down very early on during the rampage, and because I was running for my life I had no time to mourn him. Even worse still, I got to see every single one of my friends die before I somehow managed to escape a spray of bullets by jumping out a window and landing in a tree. You know, because the people with guns can't, I don't know, shoot through the open window you just leaped out of or maybe even leave the building after you. But seriously, this dream has cemented the idea that Shun dying (or planning to die) in my dreams has become a theme, and I fear it's going to rise again and it's only going to get worse.
If my dreams have taught me anything, it's that my subconscious has a vast imagination and will pull the unthinkable from the depths for no fucking reason at any time during any circumstance. Weather will suddenly change, an ocean will suddenly become a mountain range, your trip to the water park will suddenly become a trial to escape evil aliens and your boyfriend will suddenly fall prey to the jaws of death.
Fucking wonderful.
These things come out of nowhere, too. The dreams they're in will actually be regular, nonsensical dream fair where we're just wandering around and doing shit that only seems normal in dream world. Then all of a sudden, right the fuck out of nowhere, horrible thing suddenly leaps out from the shadows, like a demented bat out of hell, and I'm faced with Shun having some crippling depression he can't escape from except by way of suicide of someone coming in armed to the teeth in the building we happen to be in. My dreams regularly have this crazy ADD and scenery and motivations of people will change on a dime and I'll never notice while I'm still sleeping, and finally it's rearing it's ugly head by making regular, run-of-the-mill dreams suddenly awful, horrific feel-killers- Heat-seeking feels missiles that are targeted at my overwhelming love for my boyfriend. Not to say dream!me acts naturally not any of this, but when I wake up, trying to convince myself that dreams aren't real, I react like it actually happened. And even for a few, brief seconds that shit is potently terrifying, especially to me given my weird emotional dependence on Shun being, well, alive.
The first of the two is probably the best example of horrible immanent-Shun-death development coming unwelcome, unprovoked and suddenly out of nowhere. I forget what we were doing initially, but I have a feeling we were just fucking around (not in that way- if I were to actually refer to THAT I'd be sure to give it some flowery title like "making sweet, passionate love" or something purple like that...) and doing something that would definitely not trigger someone admitting they had plans all along to kill themselves. Sometime during the dream, I found what can only be described as "carbon monoxide canisters" which I'm pretty sure don't exist and are just relics from my dreams. A short deduction sequence later, I concluded that they belonged to Shun, so I sat him down and asked if he had planned to kill himself. Looking away all sad, like he was holding back tears he replied with a simple yes. Even in my dream my heart sank, but I dared to continue on. "Do you want to kill yourself now?" I asked, seeing as I'd asked in the past tense whether he had plans to take his own life or not. Voice cracking, Shun answers ashamedly, "Now more than ever". The very shock of his answer pulled me right out of the dream (but not before a gasp from a random studio audience that happened to appear behind me in the dream filled my ears, but that's neither here nor there) and I don't think I've ever woken up so distraught in my life.
The next dream actually didn't treat Shun's death with any respect at all, and it was a lot less jarring but still pretty fucking depressing thinking back on it. We were in this dormitory that was suddenly overrun by these random guys with their guns a-blazing. No one else in the dorm was being targeted, and no one helped no matter how often we asked or called for someone to assist us. Shun ended up getting gunned down very early on during the rampage, and because I was running for my life I had no time to mourn him. Even worse still, I got to see every single one of my friends die before I somehow managed to escape a spray of bullets by jumping out a window and landing in a tree. You know, because the people with guns can't, I don't know, shoot through the open window you just leaped out of or maybe even leave the building after you. But seriously, this dream has cemented the idea that Shun dying (or planning to die) in my dreams has become a theme, and I fear it's going to rise again and it's only going to get worse.
If my dreams have taught me anything, it's that my subconscious has a vast imagination and will pull the unthinkable from the depths for no fucking reason at any time during any circumstance. Weather will suddenly change, an ocean will suddenly become a mountain range, your trip to the water park will suddenly become a trial to escape evil aliens and your boyfriend will suddenly fall prey to the jaws of death.
Fucking wonderful.