PTSD

[z_highvoltage_z]

I went out for breakfast with my family.  Across the way from us sat two police officers.  I tried to stay as calm as I could, but I couldn't.  I panicked and burst into tears, making a fool of myself in front of my entire family (grandma, grandpa, etc).  This is my second time bursting into tears at just the sight of cops.  I'm dealing with some sort of PTSD after being beaten up by the cops in Montreal.  It wasn't that the beating was so bad, it was just so terrifying.  Knowing that they can, and will, do anything they want to me and I am completely helpless.  And part of what makes it so traumatic for me is that it made me realize that this is probably the terror that my friend felt in the last minutes of his life. This is what I can't handle.  That this terrifying experience is the last he ever have.  The officer that shot him got time off with pay.  He's back on the force. Who else's murderers wear these uniforms?  Who else's rapest, assaulter, traumatic experience make up these forces?  And that's all I could think of.  Looking across the table at these two cops drinking coffee.

We switched tables.  My mom made me tell the family that "I just wasn't feeling good, but I'm better now".