My inner thoughts
What do I do!!! This really sucks. I know i've been complaining about the same guy for a long time but I still don't know what to do! I KNOW it's better if move on but saying it is easier than actually DOING it. This really really sucks. My brain says move on but my heart says don't. What do I do????? I really like him but I don't know if I can handle any more crap from him. URRRG!! This is so fustrating. I have 3184321687684981387 and a half reasons why I sould move on but I can't. Every time I see this guy..... What they say about the chain of memories is right. The whole chain can be sunken in darkness but only one link needs to be returned and the rest will come back. (from Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories) I know that I shouldn't live my life with any regrets but you know what? I can't think of anything BUT regret. I want to forget. But my memories won't sink into the darkness. I can't help wonder what would happen if I never met this guy. Would I be the same person or would I be different. Thinking about it, at the time, my life seemed to be PERFECT! Everything went great and everything was fun. But now look at this... everything that could go wrong HAS gone wrong. I am fustrated that I can't move on, I can't forget everything, I can't find someone else. Everyone is saying that I'm only a sophmore and I shouldn't be worrying about all this yet, but you know what? I can't help but worry. Some one told me "you just have to do what YOU want to do" well if I DID do it took to move on it would involve cutting this person COMPLETELY out of my life. Like act like they never existed, acted like they were just another face in the crowd, acted like they were never born. I have the ability to do that. I can do that. But I've made promises. Promises that I have have a great desire to break but can't. I also made a oath. I can't break any of those (especially the oath). I don't want this life anymore. I want to be able to move on. I can't exactly cut him out of my life. At least if I, for some reason, decide to, this won't be easy because I see him every other day. He is in one of my classes. I don't know... I just want to stop getting hurt. There hasn't been a day that I havn't had a thought of this guy since... say Feb. Its been THREE MONTHS. THREE FRIKIN MONTHS. I don't know. I'm about to give up... I mean being gay is great and all but I think being straight is easier. Maybe I should just go back to being bi or even just trying to go straight. There isn't really a single person in my family that will support me. (especially the parental units). If I can't find support from my family where can I go to get support? Who can I turn go to for a shoulder to cry on? What can I do to make things better? Is there any way anyone or anything can help? I don't want any of this anymore. I don't want to be hung up over one person. I don't want to be loathed by my family for what I am. Maybe I should give up. But I CAN'T! I have to go on. I have a bright future ahead of me. I have to get through this with my head held high. There is the world of marketing that awaits someone like me. Also the theater will be one great actor short (well I would beg to differ). I have to get through this. But hey, If everything just gets too much for me. I can always take the easy way out. X_X