So....
So, I'm depressed. And for once, I'm not ashamed to admit it. For those of you who don't know, I'm dealing with cancer. I had it once before in my breast, but the tumor was removed and the radiation I went through "solved" the problem as much as it could. More was found in my lymph node, and I went through the same process. I was put on these experimental drugs that were supposed to build my immunity to prevent another attack. It was the reason why I couldn't drink, because the mix was fatal. Obviously, it didn't work, because I'm going through it again, in the other lymph node. I went through the surgery yesterday, and I've already begun radiation. My doctors don't want to waste any time since it's a reoccurence. I'm also being beaten over the head to talk to a psychiatrist again. I have no problem with that... it just has to be a woman. I've walked away from dating and men, and I have no trust in them right now. Short of 2 or 3 guys, I don't have any kind of fondness for them. Can you blame me? With all I've been through in the past month or so, I don't think I can be found at fault for being wary. Maybe it's time that I'm looking out for myself in the beginning than in retrospect. But in the meantime, it's really hard for me to be cheerful and perky when all I want to do is lay my head in my hands and cry. I don't want to be smiley, and I don't want to sit there and say "It'll all be fine, I'm strong." Because right now I don't feel strong. I feel so helpless and so lost in all of it... someone get me out of here.