[Arashi Fanfic] Blue - Chapter 18
Will love come to an end someday?
After all that has happened, the answer should be more than clear. Yet it couldn’t be anything more different: in fact, Yuuki was less certain of the answer than ever.
She should be hating Aiba, for breaking her heart into a million pieces, then crushing those pieces into powder. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, she wasn't.
Not a single bit.
Sure, she was bitter. Bitter that no one bothered to tell her just what was going on. Bitter that Aiba chose to keep her in the dark while he faced the perils, with the others. Bitter that she was left alone, excluded, thinking that she had been forgotten by the others. Bitter that she was only told after the event the dangers the others had faced. Bitter, that they felt her support was unnecessary.
And, by telling her what had happened during those weeks, Kytana had, in a way, made sure Yuuki now could not hate Aiba, at all. That, if she still had a conscience, and some sort of kindness, she would forgive him.
Yuuki couldn't hate him now. She couldn’t even bring herself to want to hate Aiba now. Yet, she felt worse than ever. Knowing the "truth" only made her angry, angry at herself for doubting Aiba. Angry, that she didn't have more faith in him. Angry that she assumed so much, and didn't bother to verify.
And for the same reasons, disappointed, too.
"You're an idiot, Yuuki."
"I know."
The voice in her head mocked her, teased her, vexed her; it was the same voice she heard that time, at the hospital. She was going mad; and in a way, madness would be a strange sort of release-a release that would not solve any of her current problems.
All Yuuki could do was to bury her face in her lap, and hope that somehow, things will sort themselves out.
Of course, that was not going to happen.
Catching a reflection of herself in a glass window, Yuuki realised there was no way she could go back to the office. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her face pale and haggard from the emotional strain. It had been an eventful morning, and as much as she wanted work as a distraction, the questions she'd get from her colleagues would probably push her over the edge. Sighing heavily, she took out her phone and called the office.
"Hi, Tom? It's Yuuki. I… don't think I can make it back to the office today. Could you please let the boss know?"
"Sure, no problem," Tom replied. "Are you alright, Yuuki? You sound awful."
"I…I'm fine, Tom." Yuuki tried to sound convincing, but it was no use. "It's just…things are a bit more complicated than expected."
"Right… Well, I guess we'll see you when we get back." The worry in Tom's voice was unmissable. "Are you sure you're ok, Yuuki?"
"Yeah, Tom, I'm fine." It was a blatant lie, but Yuuki pushed on. "Just fine."
Darkness had begun to set upon Tokyo by the time Yuuki made it back to her apartment. It was a week after that Friday; the morning meeting with Johnny Kitagawa that turned out more eventful than anticipated. The weekend she spent curled up in her apartment, in a desperate attempt to try and comprehend and rationalise everything, but to no avail: she was pushed to the brink and powerless to resist. When Monday came, she plunged herself in work-and, as Ben and Tom observed, the Ice Princess returned. Her face was stoic, betraying no emotions, and endlessly engrossed herself in work; sure, it was not that different to her behaviour since they entered the company, but there was something different in her aura, her demeanour that had changed after that Friday. The guys tried to pry the information out of her, but their attempts yielded no results; Yuuki was more private than ever.
For good reason.
She had thought that by drowning herself in work, somehow the excess thoughts about Aiba would go away. It worked, only until work was over: the thoughts would return, and with a vengeance. So much so that he became the only thing she thought about.
Yuuki was still in love with him. And probably more so than ever.
There was no doubt about that; the question became whether she could let go of what had happened between them. Her heart and mind were unequivocally clear on this; her dignity was the only force holding her back.
She was scared of becoming a doormat. The go-to girl. Always the second priority, and never the first.
Despite the darkness, the familiar figure that stood outside her apartment block was unmissable. Yuuki saw him at once: it was the last man she wanted to see at that moment.
Aiba Masaki.
She didn't know how he got her address, but that was the least of her concerns. If the meeting last Friday morning proved anything, it definitely showed Yuuki how unready she was to see him again. One chance meeting, and she handled it badly; there was no way she wouldn't stuff up if she ran into him again. She watched, as Aiba lit a cigarette, took a long puff, and casually looked around, his eyes, no doubt, scouring the streets for her… it proved too much, too soon. She turned, her walk hastened to a run, and disappeared into the early night.
"Gimme another, and make it a double."
It took less than a second for the drink to appear on the bar table, albeit hesitantly, and even less time before the glass was emptied.
"Yuuki, I think you've had enough. C'mon, let's get you home-"
"No." Her words were slurred, but her intentions clear. "Tom, I'm not going home. One more. And make it a triple. No, just give me 3 straight shots of vodka."
It had been a long day at work, Yuuki's colleagues, after attending a goukon with a couple of workmates at the Shinjuku office, had decided to head to a bar near their condo for a drink to unwind before heading home. It was around 10pm; Tom and Ben were surprised to find Yuuki, slumped at the bar table, downing drinks at amazing speed. They had no idea how many drinks she had before they got to the bar, but by the looks of things, it was definitely a lot.
"Ben?" Tom called out to his colleague, "A little help here?"
The other man shrugged. "I tried to warn you, it's no use… She's not gonna budge from that seat until she's knocked out."
"But mate, we can't let her just sit here and drink herself to death…"
"Hisako-chan…" Yuuki mumbled, her head rested on the bar table, her eyes staring at the phone in her hand. "Doushiyo…"
Tom and Ben exchanged a glance, before they carefully pried the white mobile from Yuuki's slim fingers, as she picked up a shot glass full of vodka and downed it in one gulp. Nothing they did had any effect; maybe it was time to call for backup.
But who to call? The two men looked at Yuuki, for some kind of indication.
"Hisako… he said he loves me still. " Yuuki mumbled to no one in particular, with a chuckle, that crescendoed into self-mocking laughter.
"Right. Hisako it is-" Ben had managed to find the girl's name in the contacts list, and ready to call her, when Tom interrupted.
"No, hold on for a sec… I think I just heard another name…"
"Aiba… said he still loves me." Yuuki continued her mutters, tears now streaming down her face. "All that time, Aiba still loved me… Ha! As if I'd believe his shit… But the sad thing is, you know, I said I didn't want to see him no more. I lied to his face, and said I wanted him out of my life…"
Ben looked up, his ears perked for Yuuki's next words.
"Aiba… I…" Her eyes were glazed, and her words barely audible. "I still love him…"
The guys exchanged a look. Ben immediately scrolled through the contact list, and it wasn't long before he found the name he was looking for.
"Yuuki-chan? I'm so sorry-"
"Um, is this Aiba-san? My name is Ben. I'm Yuuki's colleague. I hope I haven't caught you at a bad time."
"Eh?" A short pause. "How come…but isn't this Yuuki's phone? What happened? Is she alright?"
"Yeah, I'm using her phone. Nothing happened to Yuuki," He glanced at his now-drunk co-worker, "But she is definitely not alright. She kept saying your name, so maybe you could come and help sort things out?"
"Yeah, sure." Aiba heard himself reply, "Where… where is she, right now?"
"We're at… Goro's Bar*. In Ikebukuro."
Aiba had been waiting outside Yuuki's apartment since afternoon, hoping to see her one more time, and for one more chance to explain. It took a week of begging Kytana before the investigator finally relented and told him Yuuki's address: the fact that Yuuki had a different name on her passport made things more difficult, Kytana claimed. It wasn't the complete truth: Kytana thought it'd be best if Yuuki had a bit of time to think things over; and Aiba being Aiba, the guy would probably have dashed straight out of the Jimusho door once she told him where Yuuki lived.
Which was exactly what he did, when Kytana relayed part of what she found to Aiba after lunch.
He had no idea how long he stood there, outside the apartment's main entrance. No idea how long he waited, merely that he got there during the day, and night had fallen by the time he filled up his portable ashtray. The wait was painful: the seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours, hours like days… he couldn't imagine how Yuuki must have felt in the past few months. Each second of the agonising wait only made Aiba all the more apologetic and regretful of his actions-or, rather, inactions. The endless worrying; the growing desperation… he felt it now: knowing that this was only a fraction of Yuuki's torture only increased his resolute remorse.
Extinguishing the last cigarette in the pack, Aiba checked his watch.
10pm. Friday.
Maybe she was out for a drink. Nomikai's aren't that uncommon. Drinks with workmates and the boss. Or dinner with friends. Goukon. A date.
The last two stung his heart particularly. If Yuuki had moved on, he didn't know what he'd do-
Bzzzzz--
The incoming call had surprised Aiba, interrupting his stream of thoughts. He almost broke his phone when he flipped it open with unusual force. The caller ID said Yuuki, but it was a male voice which answered.
Yuuki wasn't alright. She was in a bar. And calling out his name.
"I'll be there in fifteen."
He was there in less than ten.
Aiba was familiar with the bars in the area: he liked company, and that usually meant food, and drinks. Knowing where Yuuki was made him all the more determined to see her; he ran from the apartment block to the bar at unusual speed.
Goro's Bar* was an institution in Ikebukuro, famous amongst the locals for its hidden location, classicism and unpretentious sophistication. It was also one of those few places that didn't intimidate the ladies, particularly ones who just want to drink alone, for as long as they wished. In a strange kind of way, Aiba felt a pang of confidence, knowing that she was there; yet slight unease as he remembered the male voice on the phone.
His hand was halfway to reaching the door when he pondered, for a moment; hesitation had started to seep into his mind. Should he be doing this? Did Yuuki want to see him again? Or would it be better for both of them to go their separate ways, and move on?
The door suddenly swings open, as a kimono-clad middle-aged man walks out, his cheeks tinged slightly pink by the alcohol. He gave Aiba a strange look, one which sent the younger man hastily inside the bar.
Once he was in, Aiba saw Yuuki immediately. At the bar. Obviously drunk. Almost asleep. With two gaijins standing next to her. He felt a pang of jealousy rising, but that was washed over with an overwhelming sense of guilt as he approached the group…and Yuuki.
"Yuuki?" Aiba shook the intoxicated girl gently, "Yuuki-chan, time to wake up…"
"Hm?" Brows furrowed in annoyance, as she opened her eyes by a sliver reluctantly. "Go away, lemme sleep…"
Pain and guilt tugged Aiba's heart again, seeing Yuuki thus, knowing that he was the reason for her current state. His hand brushed away stray strands of hair that had fallen on her face, tucking the locks carefully behind her ear. She stirred, and raised her head.
"Ah, Hisako…you found my uchiwa…" Yuuki slurred and giggled, each syllable a stinging tug on Aiba's heart. Her unfocused eyes saw just enough to make out his face; it was only a second before Yuuki collapsed back onto the table, falling asleep again.
"Maybe…we should get her home." Tom suggested, quietly.
"I'll go hail a cab." Ben volunteered, and quickly walked out.
Reaching for his wallet, Aiba wordlessly paid the barman, and picked up the sleeping Yuuki, carrying her out of the bar. She felt so light, so fragile, as she slept in his arms, her hands clutching his shirt tightly, almost desperately; he couldn't help but hold her closer, hoping that somehow that'd ease the heaviness of her heart in some way.
The taxi ride was silent; no attempts were made by Tom, Ben or Aiba to explain what their relationships were with the sleeping young woman curled up in Aiba's arms. None were needed. Ben and Tom were her colleagues, Aiba was her boyfriend… of sorts. Once they got back to the apartment block, the guys told Aiba Yuuki's apartment number, and left the two to wait for the lift. They sensed that things were probably quite complicated; it was probably best if they knew as little about the entire affair as possible.
"Ne, Yuuki-chan, where are your keys?" Aiba asked the drunk, sleeping woman in his arms softly.
She held up her handbag instinctively. "In the front pocket…"
Aiba shifted his arms, and managed to fish the keychain out with some difficulty. Fortunately there were only two keys attached-a small and a large one. It was quite obvious which one fitted in the lock before him.
Once he was inside, it wasn't too hard to figure out where the bedroom was. The layout was simple: an open kitchen to the right of the genkan, living and dining area in the space in front of the kitchen, and two doors to the left. One door was half open, and inside, a bed was visible. He didn't even need to turn on any lights: the curtains were drawn back, and moonlight shone through the glass doors to the balcony.
In two strides, Aiba was inside. Laying Yuuki gently in her bed, Aiba couldn't help but stare and caress the face that had haunted him for the past week. He had thought there was something different about Yuuki, but their meeting was too short and too filled with negativity.
"Yuuki-chan…" Aiba whispered, in a loving and painful voice, filled with remorse and regret.
Her face had become so skinny, sharpening her features; her once-rounded cheeks were now hollow and sunken; even her chin had become pointed. She had become nothing more than skin and bones, a shadow of her former self. Aiba knew it had something, if not everything, to do with him.
And how it killed him.
He wanted to just hold her in his arms, until her pain and sorrows go away. Yet the guilt of knowing that he was the cause stopped him from doing that; he was quite sure that the last person Yuuki wanted to see was him. All this left a bitter taste in Aiba's mouth; he was torn, torn by the fact that he still loved Yuuki, yet she was probably better off without him.
Closing his eyes, Aiba decided to go, before things got any further.
As Aiba turned to leave, he felt a tug of his shirt. Yuuki's hands had not let go of the fabric balled in them; in fact, the hold was tighter than ever.
"No, don't go…" she mumbled, painfully. "Please… don't leave me…"
*Those familiar with SMAP will know that Inagaki Goro has a variety program on TBS called Goro's Bar located in Akasaka. I've taken a author's licence and moved it to Ikebukuro, because the thought of Yuuki getting drunk in a bar first came to me while watching the Goro's Bar SP feat. Kimura Takuya. The features and layout of this Goro's Bar is essentially the same as the one in the show.