my epiphony of the night
okay, so while i was eating my baked stuffed lobster at summer shack (yeah, i didn't get the pan ROASTED tonight), with my parents, i realized something. don't worry, it's coming, but i feel like i should give you ample time to prepare yourselves. (please, don't make fun of me, it could either be all the heinekens that my dad gave me or something else, but i thought this was really significant, to me at least...)
so, brace yourselves everybody, and if you really don't care at all, stop reading right now.
everyone has dreams -- something they want to accomplish, something they want to do with their live -- no matter how menial or insignificant it might seem, we all have SOMETHING, or perhaps someone, that motivates us to wake up in the morning. I have been on a search for this for a very long time, and for the most part, i thought that my search would ultimately take me to what i thought would be "normal" relationship, where me and someone else loved each other a lot and did the cliche bf/gf thing. BUT, i realized how childish and cliche that really is.
love isn't holding hands and cuddling and being IN love with someone. love isn't spending all of your time with the same person. it isn't looks, it isn't finding someone who is exactly like you. it isn't someone who will listen to you and understand you, it isn't necessarily your best friend. love is however, a commitment, a sacrifice, and -- hopefully my only cliche -- finding that "special someone."
i told someone yesterday that i don't get along with my parents. and that's true. we don't talk about a lot of stuff, we don't spend an incredible amount of time together. and the honest-to-god truth is that we really don't get along. i annoy the crap out of my mom and dad, and they do the same to me. BUT, for some reason, i love my parents more than anything, and my parents love me more than anything -- okay, they probably love my brother more than me, but that's beside the point. i don't come from a "rich" family. i'm not "poor" so to speak, but if you understood why i'm not poor, than i think you'd understand what love really is.
before i continue, ask yourselves or your parents, how many hours a day they work, and how many days a week they work. well, even us, we go to school from like, 7am-7pm, usually at the most. but we have fun with our friends and we get a lot of free time in between different stuff. so, for the most part, school isn't that much of a drag i guess. correct me if i'm wrong, but not many parents work that much. mine do. now, i'm not being self-pitying or anything like that or looking for your pity. i'm just trying to show you all what i believe love really is. Love is waking up at 6:30 in the morning and going to work by 7:30. then working until 6:30 at night. then coming home and making me dinner. or as was the case tonight, taking me out to summer shack because SOMEHOW, even without saying anything to them, they knew that i've been having a rough year or month or week or whatever. it's looking in their tired eyes, and they still smile back at me cuz they know they're making me happy. it's working to the point of exhaustion so that you can send your kids to snobby private school to get a good education. it's working overtime to support one kid in grad school and another soon to be college student. it's giving up your own life to make another person's life better.
i am not an easy person to deal with/ live with. my friends might argue with that, but my parents would probably attest to this. and even though we argue and fight and i yell at my mom and my dad yells at me, and my brother yells at me cuz i yell at our mom, and even though i have to do all the chores around the house and it pisses me off, we all love each other more than anything in the world. it's true, blood is thicker than water, and we are unbreakable together. that's love. i've been looking all over for it when it was right here at home. for the longest time i've been saying that i want to be as far away from here just cuz of all the heartache and pain that this house reminds me of, but deep down i know, this is where my love really is. this is where i'm truly loved, and believe it or not, i'm scared of what's to come. i just hope that sooner rather than later, i will be able to show my family that i love them all, despite all the crap and all of my bullshit, i love them more than anything in the world.
i'm tired of looking for love, cuz i look for it in all the wrong places. and i know for most of you (especially girls) i've been a huge pain in the ass, and i recognize this and i'm sorry. but just understand that i was looking for something that i thought would set me on the right path. i'm a mushy sentimentalist deep down, and i've tried to put that on other people, which is wrong. i've hurt a lot of people and done a lot of selfish stuff, and i'm sorry to anyone and everyone who's felt sort of betrayed or at least had to deal with some of my shit.
i know i said i don't wanna be "just friends" with people anymore...but that was damn selfish of me. there's no point for me to force something that isn't there, so i'm gunna soldier on... i bailed on one particular individual many times -- i think you know who you are, and i hope it's not multiple people who feel this way -- and i'm sorry. but i know what my "path" is supposed to be. i'm a soldier, so "just lay your head on my shoulder, don't worry about a thing baby girl i'm a soldier" (TUPAC). I'm gunna soldier on, and i ain't gunna look for something that isn't there. i know this is probably a ridiculous post, but hey, ya never know, these might become a traditional thing where i get drunk, eat lobster, then post my "epiphony of the night." yay, i know you're all excited for more... until then, sarah, here i go again, back into my food coma.
if you think i'm completely wrong, good for you. if you agree with me, cool. i'm really indifferent to what anyone else thinks at this moment, i just want you guys to know what's goin on inside my crowded/jumbled head.
so, brace yourselves everybody, and if you really don't care at all, stop reading right now.
everyone has dreams -- something they want to accomplish, something they want to do with their live -- no matter how menial or insignificant it might seem, we all have SOMETHING, or perhaps someone, that motivates us to wake up in the morning. I have been on a search for this for a very long time, and for the most part, i thought that my search would ultimately take me to what i thought would be "normal" relationship, where me and someone else loved each other a lot and did the cliche bf/gf thing. BUT, i realized how childish and cliche that really is.
love isn't holding hands and cuddling and being IN love with someone. love isn't spending all of your time with the same person. it isn't looks, it isn't finding someone who is exactly like you. it isn't someone who will listen to you and understand you, it isn't necessarily your best friend. love is however, a commitment, a sacrifice, and -- hopefully my only cliche -- finding that "special someone."
i told someone yesterday that i don't get along with my parents. and that's true. we don't talk about a lot of stuff, we don't spend an incredible amount of time together. and the honest-to-god truth is that we really don't get along. i annoy the crap out of my mom and dad, and they do the same to me. BUT, for some reason, i love my parents more than anything, and my parents love me more than anything -- okay, they probably love my brother more than me, but that's beside the point. i don't come from a "rich" family. i'm not "poor" so to speak, but if you understood why i'm not poor, than i think you'd understand what love really is.
before i continue, ask yourselves or your parents, how many hours a day they work, and how many days a week they work. well, even us, we go to school from like, 7am-7pm, usually at the most. but we have fun with our friends and we get a lot of free time in between different stuff. so, for the most part, school isn't that much of a drag i guess. correct me if i'm wrong, but not many parents work that much. mine do. now, i'm not being self-pitying or anything like that or looking for your pity. i'm just trying to show you all what i believe love really is. Love is waking up at 6:30 in the morning and going to work by 7:30. then working until 6:30 at night. then coming home and making me dinner. or as was the case tonight, taking me out to summer shack because SOMEHOW, even without saying anything to them, they knew that i've been having a rough year or month or week or whatever. it's looking in their tired eyes, and they still smile back at me cuz they know they're making me happy. it's working to the point of exhaustion so that you can send your kids to snobby private school to get a good education. it's working overtime to support one kid in grad school and another soon to be college student. it's giving up your own life to make another person's life better.
i am not an easy person to deal with/ live with. my friends might argue with that, but my parents would probably attest to this. and even though we argue and fight and i yell at my mom and my dad yells at me, and my brother yells at me cuz i yell at our mom, and even though i have to do all the chores around the house and it pisses me off, we all love each other more than anything in the world. it's true, blood is thicker than water, and we are unbreakable together. that's love. i've been looking all over for it when it was right here at home. for the longest time i've been saying that i want to be as far away from here just cuz of all the heartache and pain that this house reminds me of, but deep down i know, this is where my love really is. this is where i'm truly loved, and believe it or not, i'm scared of what's to come. i just hope that sooner rather than later, i will be able to show my family that i love them all, despite all the crap and all of my bullshit, i love them more than anything in the world.
i'm tired of looking for love, cuz i look for it in all the wrong places. and i know for most of you (especially girls) i've been a huge pain in the ass, and i recognize this and i'm sorry. but just understand that i was looking for something that i thought would set me on the right path. i'm a mushy sentimentalist deep down, and i've tried to put that on other people, which is wrong. i've hurt a lot of people and done a lot of selfish stuff, and i'm sorry to anyone and everyone who's felt sort of betrayed or at least had to deal with some of my shit.
i know i said i don't wanna be "just friends" with people anymore...but that was damn selfish of me. there's no point for me to force something that isn't there, so i'm gunna soldier on... i bailed on one particular individual many times -- i think you know who you are, and i hope it's not multiple people who feel this way -- and i'm sorry. but i know what my "path" is supposed to be. i'm a soldier, so "just lay your head on my shoulder, don't worry about a thing baby girl i'm a soldier" (TUPAC). I'm gunna soldier on, and i ain't gunna look for something that isn't there. i know this is probably a ridiculous post, but hey, ya never know, these might become a traditional thing where i get drunk, eat lobster, then post my "epiphony of the night." yay, i know you're all excited for more... until then, sarah, here i go again, back into my food coma.
if you think i'm completely wrong, good for you. if you agree with me, cool. i'm really indifferent to what anyone else thinks at this moment, i just want you guys to know what's goin on inside my crowded/jumbled head.