I miss my old life
I miss my friends more than I can describe in words. My friends who grew up with me, understood me and knew my family well. They dont understand me anymore, they act strange and cold if I try reach out, and I feel embarrassed to push too hard because I know they cant understand my life. I am also embarrassed because I know they think Im wrong, and I don't know how to explain to them that I'm not a bad person. Which is kind of strange. It means Im embarrassed by the negative things I know they think about me, even though I know them not to true.
I especially miss one of my friends who I was in love with back when we were friends. She (and I) was too religious to act on it though. Im not sure she even realised I was in love with her. I will never know now. I haven't spoken to her in a year now. We just fell out of touch, I stopped trying to reach out to her out of embarrassment, and she stopped talking to me because she found out I wasn\t religious, and either just doesn't know what to say, or is worries I will be a bad influence on her. Does she know I miss her and really want to meet her again? I think about it often. Maybe she thinks I dont want to talk to her, but she wouldn't mind talking to me.
A part of me knows that my emotions have changed memories for me. I found my relationship with her very complicated because our friendship was strained by our strong differences, my feelings that no one understood me and backing off from her a little, and general depression. But she was very persistent and kind to me and I miss that.
I also kind of miss my family, although I hate going over there.
Incidentally, my brother had a baby. I didn't even know his wife was pregnant. I wrote a google doc of all my nieces and nephews, and Ill try keep track so that I dont forget their names (and I can start trying to keep track of their ages)