I Wish...
We could have worked it out.
I wish I didn't have these doubts.
I wish I didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now.
After all you put me through...
Stupid boy.
Yetserday I was thinking murder. Today I was thinking suicide.
You know that thing where your depression goes away for a really long time and then comes back tenfold? I think I've got that.
I was fine today...
Till I saw him....
with HER...
And I thought, "Pig."
Then SHE started walking next to me....
And I thought, "Whore."
I know it's not very nice. I know what it's like to be called that.
But I have every reason to believe that Sam was with her while we were still together and we were trying to work it out.
Scratch that.
I was trying to work it out. He was prolly afraid of breaking up with me because I'm an emotional basketcase, and was just waiting on me to break it up. But I spent hours every night trying to save our relatioship. Because it meant something to me.
But apparently the "I love you"s and the "I'll always be here for you"s were just lies. As fate would have it.
Yesterday I wanted to kill him. Today I thought, "Wouldn't everyone just be so much happier if I just took myself out of the picture?"
So in fifth hour (yearbook) I requested to go outside and increase my endorphins via the sun. I explained to my editor that it was a bad week, and she said to do what I needed to do. So, I took my iPod, went out a side door, and sat in the grass next to the building in the side parking lot talking to God for almost thirty minutes. I just ranted and ranted; of course, He listened. I asked for forgiveness, and for help; I asked why guys always seem to do this to me. I prayed that my new relationship with Scott will be more productive. I want him to see and understand what a productive relatioship, and that contrary to popular belief, girls aren't perfect. (He's a year younger than me, so he doesn't know these things.) Also, he needs to understand the emotion baggage people bring with them in to relationships, and... yeah. I feel like a total pedo being with a younger guy, but hey. I feel like this is what God wants me to do. Although...
I felt like God wanted me and Sam to be together.
And look where THAT got me. -bitter-
On the plus side, I joined the costume crew for the Fall Play. And my best friend who's basically like my sister has told me that I will be forced into trying out for her One Act in a few weeks, and she will make sure that I get considered for a decent part in the next show. Though I don't know why she's so hell-bent on me being in plays... -sweatdrop- I'm perfectly content doing costumes and sets and crap. But, no~. I have to be on stage. >.<
But, yeah. That's pretty much everything that's been happening in my life lately. I'll keep ya posted.
Till next time~
-waves-