Finding Closure
Title: Finding Closure
Author: Ragna (afteriwake)
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Characters: Matusmoto-centric, with an appearance by Gin and a side helping of Grimmjow/Matsumoto
Warnings: None
Spoiler: Went AU after the Deicide arc ended.
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. They all belong to Tite Kubo. If they belonged to me…well, things would be quite a bit different.
Author's Notes: Finally figured out where I wanted this to go AU. Since there was never any direct confirmation that Gin died, for the purposes of this AU he's alive. Hopefully I didn't write him too out of character.
---
Hitsugaya knew the look on his lieutenant's face. He knew it well. It had popped up every time she had thought of Gin Ichimaru when he had taken off with that traitor. Now, of course, she knew the reason, but in his mind he thought, and he felt she knew as well, deep down, that it wasn't enough to make up for so many wrongs.
He had hoped that with Grimmjow around to distract her she'd stop slipping into these melancholy states. Her relationship with Grimmjow left her, for want of a better word, feisty. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe it wasn't, but she wasn't the same. This was almost as bad as the state she'd slipped in before her relationship with Grimmjow had started, the first and only time that had nothing to do with Ichimaru.
"What is it?" he asked her. "I thought Grimmjow was doing his best to make you angry today."
She smiled a wan little smile. "I told him I didn't want to play that game today. He didn't take it well so he's off training with Kenpachi." She paused. "Which normally would upset me because I know they're just waiting for another excuse to fight at full strength, but right now I just...don't care."
Ah, so it was Ichimaru, he thought to himself. "You need to tell him."
"I do not need to tell him," she said.
"You need to tell him," Hitsugaya said a little more forcefully.
Anger flashed across her face. "Who I'm seeing now doesn't concern Gin one way or the other. He's in solitary confinement, and I haven't seen him since the Winter War ended. If I go and tell him I hate him for what he did and I'm in a relationship with Grimmjow I think he'd honestly try and kill me if he got something sharp enough. He said he did what he did for me, and that he really hated the Arrancar, especially Grimmjow, so if I go tell him I don't care that will just..." The anger left her just as quickly as it came. "And it would really piss Grimmjow off, to use one of his favorite terms, and I don't really want to deal with that right now."
"Does he know the truth about Gin?"
"Yes, and he doesn't really care. He still hates Gin, Gin probably still hates Grimmjow, I hate Gin, Gin loves me, I may not love Grimmjow but I do care for him a lot..." She waved her hands in the air. "It's a complicated mess."
"Until you tell him, you're going to keep feeling this way. Would it make a difference if I ordered you to tell Ichimaru so you can get over this?"
She stared at him. "You're serious, aren't you?"
He nodded, and then sighed. "I consider you one of my closest friends now, Rangiku. It pains me to see you slip into these moods."
"If you order me, I will go," she said slowly.
"I order you to go see Ichimaru."
"Grimmjow is going to kill me."
"I'll handle him. I may not drink but I can get some sake from someone and hand it to him. If he's too drunk to fight Kenpachi when he hears about this it will save you a lot of heartache."
Matsumoto looked closely at him and a smile flitted across her face. "All right. I'll go see him. But be careful that he doesn't start fighting with you."
--
It took a very long time to reach the cell where Gin was being held. Yamamoto had wanted him killed for his betrayal, but she had intervened on his behalf and asked that he be imprisoned for life alongside Aizen instead. She had only done that for reasons no one else understood. All they knew was that when the others had arrived in the world of the living he was barely alive and she was frantic to save him. Once he was healed, the frantic need to keep him alive was overcome by a slow building hate. Maybe it was selfishness on her part. She didn't know.
"Rangiku," he said softly. She stepped into the cell and got a good look at him. The long confinement had not done him any favors. He did not smile when he saw her, and she was pretty sure he hadn't taken a look in the mirror in a long time. After all, a mirror could be broken and the glass could be used to kill. If he had looked, he would have seen a broken shell of a man.
"I came to..." She paused. Everything she had wanted to say flew out the window. The hate she had let build and build eased inside when she saw him. Not because she suddenly felt he didn't deserve her hate, but she saw what the years had done to him and she knew it was all her fault. If she hadn't been so selfish he would have died with her there and been at peace knowing he had done his best for her, and had almost succeeded at an impossible task. He wouldn't be...broken.
"I thought you would never speak to me again," he said. "I don't know how long it has been. Years, though. I do know that much."
"Two years, five months and twenty-three days," she said softly. She had been keeping track of how long he had been back, for her own reasons. "I hate what you did, Gin. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that. But...I think I no longer hate you. Just your actions."
He bowed his head. "I didn't want to hurt you, Rangiku. I only wanted to get back what had been stolen from you."
"Please don't explain," she said firmly but gently. "I do not want to know any more. I understand why you did what you did."
"Then you understand how sorry I am?"
"No. No, I don't think I will ever understand how sorry you feel, just as you will never feel the sadness I feel." She looked closely at him. "My Captain ordered me to come and talk to you. He knows I need to tell you something, to get my closure."
"I have already heard that you are with Grimmjow," he said quietly.
Her eyes widened. "How?"
"One of two Arrancar allowed to stay in Soul Society was seen sneaking out of a Lieutenant's quarters. It's the type of gossip that even prison guards will talk about. Especially if they know it will torture the prisoner." He sighed. "I just ask you one thing. Are you happy?"
She thought for a long moment. "Yes, Gin. He may annoy me at times, and I may yell at him more than I've yelled at anyone else I've been with, but I am happy. I don't know if you can understand why, because I don't think I can really explain it, but him being in my life in this ways fills me in some fashion."
"As long as you are happy, that's all that matters."
She started to reply but the guard knocked on the door. "I must go, Gin. My time here is up."
"I will not ask you to visit me again. Good-bye, Rangiku."
She nodded. "Good-bye, Gin." She turned and left and began the long trek back to her quarters. Only then did she break down and sob uncontrollably. She didn't even notice she had company until she felt the presence of someone standing behind her. She turned and looked at Grimmjow. "Why are you here?"
He shrugged. "Your Captain tried to get me drunk. I figured there was a reason I shouldn't. And who in their right mind lets a kid get two huge gallons of sake, anyway? Doesn't anybody watch out for him?"
"Hinamori does."
"Yeah, she does. Who do you think was scolding him as she dragged him away?" He gestured to her table. "I kept the sake, though. Figured you might want some."
She shook her head. "No, thank you."
"You went to see Ichimaru today." She looked at him. "Your Captain told me after I pressed him on it. Why do you care what happened to him?"
"He was a friend, a long time ago. He helped me survive when we were children."
"Doesn't mean you owe him anything now," he replied.
"Yes, I suppose." She sat down on her couch. "I went down there to tell him about us, but he already knew. He asked if I was happy and I told him yes, I was."
He sat down next to her. "You're really happy with me?" he asked quietly.
She nodded. "We may fight a lot, but you've never been dishonest with me. I can trust you. I couldn't trust him."
"Might have something to do with that grin of his, and the fact he always kept his eyes shut."
"No, because I thought I had seen beyond that. It was more that I knew he wasn't..." She shook her head. "I just knew something wasn't the same anymore, long before he defected. I stopped trusting him years ago. I still cared for him, though."
"Were you ever in love with him?"
She shook her head. "No. He was my best friend, though, almost as close as a brother. I suppose he didn't look at our relationship the same way. He wanted to protect me, at the very least."
"Sounds to me like you made excuses for him, and now you've stopped." She stared at him and he shrugged. "I may be hot tempered but I didn't become the sexta Espada by being stupid. I can actually figure things out, at least when it comes to you. The relationship stuff is still weird, but you I can read like an open book."
"In a strange way that's comforting," she said. "You're still a mystery to me sometimes, but I think I'm getting better at figuring you out."
He grinned at her. "That's good. So...what now?"
"I guess we just continue as we were," she said. "You push my buttons, I push your buttons and we continue on our merry way."
"I actually meant right now, but that's good to know too."
"I don't know. I had planned on crying myself to sleep."
"Want to fight? Your Captain wouldn't let me near Kenpachi today and I'm getting restless."
She thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. "Sparring sounds good."
"And after that we make our way to the bedroom?"
She grinned at him. "I knew you were going to suggest that."
"Hey, sex is good therapy too."
She laughed, and the weight she'd been carrying all day vanished in the glorious sound. "Yes, Grimmjow, we will most likely end up in the bedroom. But your quarters this time. They are closer."
"Works for me." He got up, and offered her his hand to help her get up. "After you."
She nodded and grabbed her sword on the way to her door. Yes, she thought to herself, I truly am happy.
Author: Ragna (afteriwake)
Fandom: Bleach
Rating: PG
Characters: Matusmoto-centric, with an appearance by Gin and a side helping of Grimmjow/Matsumoto
Warnings: None
Spoiler: Went AU after the Deicide arc ended.
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. They all belong to Tite Kubo. If they belonged to me…well, things would be quite a bit different.
Author's Notes: Finally figured out where I wanted this to go AU. Since there was never any direct confirmation that Gin died, for the purposes of this AU he's alive. Hopefully I didn't write him too out of character.
---
Hitsugaya knew the look on his lieutenant's face. He knew it well. It had popped up every time she had thought of Gin Ichimaru when he had taken off with that traitor. Now, of course, she knew the reason, but in his mind he thought, and he felt she knew as well, deep down, that it wasn't enough to make up for so many wrongs.
He had hoped that with Grimmjow around to distract her she'd stop slipping into these melancholy states. Her relationship with Grimmjow left her, for want of a better word, feisty. Maybe it was a good thing, maybe it wasn't, but she wasn't the same. This was almost as bad as the state she'd slipped in before her relationship with Grimmjow had started, the first and only time that had nothing to do with Ichimaru.
"What is it?" he asked her. "I thought Grimmjow was doing his best to make you angry today."
She smiled a wan little smile. "I told him I didn't want to play that game today. He didn't take it well so he's off training with Kenpachi." She paused. "Which normally would upset me because I know they're just waiting for another excuse to fight at full strength, but right now I just...don't care."
Ah, so it was Ichimaru, he thought to himself. "You need to tell him."
"I do not need to tell him," she said.
"You need to tell him," Hitsugaya said a little more forcefully.
Anger flashed across her face. "Who I'm seeing now doesn't concern Gin one way or the other. He's in solitary confinement, and I haven't seen him since the Winter War ended. If I go and tell him I hate him for what he did and I'm in a relationship with Grimmjow I think he'd honestly try and kill me if he got something sharp enough. He said he did what he did for me, and that he really hated the Arrancar, especially Grimmjow, so if I go tell him I don't care that will just..." The anger left her just as quickly as it came. "And it would really piss Grimmjow off, to use one of his favorite terms, and I don't really want to deal with that right now."
"Does he know the truth about Gin?"
"Yes, and he doesn't really care. He still hates Gin, Gin probably still hates Grimmjow, I hate Gin, Gin loves me, I may not love Grimmjow but I do care for him a lot..." She waved her hands in the air. "It's a complicated mess."
"Until you tell him, you're going to keep feeling this way. Would it make a difference if I ordered you to tell Ichimaru so you can get over this?"
She stared at him. "You're serious, aren't you?"
He nodded, and then sighed. "I consider you one of my closest friends now, Rangiku. It pains me to see you slip into these moods."
"If you order me, I will go," she said slowly.
"I order you to go see Ichimaru."
"Grimmjow is going to kill me."
"I'll handle him. I may not drink but I can get some sake from someone and hand it to him. If he's too drunk to fight Kenpachi when he hears about this it will save you a lot of heartache."
Matsumoto looked closely at him and a smile flitted across her face. "All right. I'll go see him. But be careful that he doesn't start fighting with you."
--
It took a very long time to reach the cell where Gin was being held. Yamamoto had wanted him killed for his betrayal, but she had intervened on his behalf and asked that he be imprisoned for life alongside Aizen instead. She had only done that for reasons no one else understood. All they knew was that when the others had arrived in the world of the living he was barely alive and she was frantic to save him. Once he was healed, the frantic need to keep him alive was overcome by a slow building hate. Maybe it was selfishness on her part. She didn't know.
"Rangiku," he said softly. She stepped into the cell and got a good look at him. The long confinement had not done him any favors. He did not smile when he saw her, and she was pretty sure he hadn't taken a look in the mirror in a long time. After all, a mirror could be broken and the glass could be used to kill. If he had looked, he would have seen a broken shell of a man.
"I came to..." She paused. Everything she had wanted to say flew out the window. The hate she had let build and build eased inside when she saw him. Not because she suddenly felt he didn't deserve her hate, but she saw what the years had done to him and she knew it was all her fault. If she hadn't been so selfish he would have died with her there and been at peace knowing he had done his best for her, and had almost succeeded at an impossible task. He wouldn't be...broken.
"I thought you would never speak to me again," he said. "I don't know how long it has been. Years, though. I do know that much."
"Two years, five months and twenty-three days," she said softly. She had been keeping track of how long he had been back, for her own reasons. "I hate what you did, Gin. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that. But...I think I no longer hate you. Just your actions."
He bowed his head. "I didn't want to hurt you, Rangiku. I only wanted to get back what had been stolen from you."
"Please don't explain," she said firmly but gently. "I do not want to know any more. I understand why you did what you did."
"Then you understand how sorry I am?"
"No. No, I don't think I will ever understand how sorry you feel, just as you will never feel the sadness I feel." She looked closely at him. "My Captain ordered me to come and talk to you. He knows I need to tell you something, to get my closure."
"I have already heard that you are with Grimmjow," he said quietly.
Her eyes widened. "How?"
"One of two Arrancar allowed to stay in Soul Society was seen sneaking out of a Lieutenant's quarters. It's the type of gossip that even prison guards will talk about. Especially if they know it will torture the prisoner." He sighed. "I just ask you one thing. Are you happy?"
She thought for a long moment. "Yes, Gin. He may annoy me at times, and I may yell at him more than I've yelled at anyone else I've been with, but I am happy. I don't know if you can understand why, because I don't think I can really explain it, but him being in my life in this ways fills me in some fashion."
"As long as you are happy, that's all that matters."
She started to reply but the guard knocked on the door. "I must go, Gin. My time here is up."
"I will not ask you to visit me again. Good-bye, Rangiku."
She nodded. "Good-bye, Gin." She turned and left and began the long trek back to her quarters. Only then did she break down and sob uncontrollably. She didn't even notice she had company until she felt the presence of someone standing behind her. She turned and looked at Grimmjow. "Why are you here?"
He shrugged. "Your Captain tried to get me drunk. I figured there was a reason I shouldn't. And who in their right mind lets a kid get two huge gallons of sake, anyway? Doesn't anybody watch out for him?"
"Hinamori does."
"Yeah, she does. Who do you think was scolding him as she dragged him away?" He gestured to her table. "I kept the sake, though. Figured you might want some."
She shook her head. "No, thank you."
"You went to see Ichimaru today." She looked at him. "Your Captain told me after I pressed him on it. Why do you care what happened to him?"
"He was a friend, a long time ago. He helped me survive when we were children."
"Doesn't mean you owe him anything now," he replied.
"Yes, I suppose." She sat down on her couch. "I went down there to tell him about us, but he already knew. He asked if I was happy and I told him yes, I was."
He sat down next to her. "You're really happy with me?" he asked quietly.
She nodded. "We may fight a lot, but you've never been dishonest with me. I can trust you. I couldn't trust him."
"Might have something to do with that grin of his, and the fact he always kept his eyes shut."
"No, because I thought I had seen beyond that. It was more that I knew he wasn't..." She shook her head. "I just knew something wasn't the same anymore, long before he defected. I stopped trusting him years ago. I still cared for him, though."
"Were you ever in love with him?"
She shook her head. "No. He was my best friend, though, almost as close as a brother. I suppose he didn't look at our relationship the same way. He wanted to protect me, at the very least."
"Sounds to me like you made excuses for him, and now you've stopped." She stared at him and he shrugged. "I may be hot tempered but I didn't become the sexta Espada by being stupid. I can actually figure things out, at least when it comes to you. The relationship stuff is still weird, but you I can read like an open book."
"In a strange way that's comforting," she said. "You're still a mystery to me sometimes, but I think I'm getting better at figuring you out."
He grinned at her. "That's good. So...what now?"
"I guess we just continue as we were," she said. "You push my buttons, I push your buttons and we continue on our merry way."
"I actually meant right now, but that's good to know too."
"I don't know. I had planned on crying myself to sleep."
"Want to fight? Your Captain wouldn't let me near Kenpachi today and I'm getting restless."
She thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. "Sparring sounds good."
"And after that we make our way to the bedroom?"
She grinned at him. "I knew you were going to suggest that."
"Hey, sex is good therapy too."
She laughed, and the weight she'd been carrying all day vanished in the glorious sound. "Yes, Grimmjow, we will most likely end up in the bedroom. But your quarters this time. They are closer."
"Works for me." He got up, and offered her his hand to help her get up. "After you."
She nodded and grabbed her sword on the way to her door. Yes, she thought to herself, I truly am happy.