Fixed Heart
Title: Fixed Heart
Author: Natsu [me]
Pairing: YamaJima
Genre: Fluff? Romance? li'l bit of angst~
Rating: PG for the kiss
Disclaimer: I only own the plot.. :P
A/N: before reading this, read the prequel of this fic first entitled, Heart a Mess by pink_stitchy
Summary: Yuto wants to fix Yamada's messy heart.
Looking at his window, Yamada heaved a sigh. It’s been a week already since he told Chinen that he doesn’t want Yuto to go near him. He misses seeing Yuto already and he wants to hear his voice. He wants to be hugged again and he wants to smell Yuto’s addicting scent. Somehow, that’s what he is thinking. Every afternoon, Chinen will visit him but sometimes he’s expecting Yuto to come. He sighed once again then lied down on his bed. School’s almost over and Chinen will be on his way later. It’s been a week already but the daisies that Yuto brought is still there. He just doesn’t want it to be replaced. He covered himself with his blanket and think about some things. He’ll be discharged from the hospital 2 weeks from now. He’ll see Yuto again.
Yamada opened his eyes and yawned. He fell asleep. He looked at his watch and it’s 6 in the evening already. He sat on his bed and looked for Chinen but no one is there. Maybe he went home already so he’s expecting for his mom to arrive. He turned to his left ready to smile to the daisies but he was surprised to see a different flower. It’s not the daisy Yuto gave him. He can only sigh for he can’t do anything about it anymore. And why pink camellia?
His room’s door opened and he looked at the person who entered. He can only look at that person too surprised to see the latter. It’s been one week since he hasn’t seen him but there he is now, approaching him.
“Good evening, Yamada-kun.” He smiled at him while sitting at the chair beside the bed. Yamada was still surprised that he can’t even make his voice out. “Are you okay?” he asked seeing Yamada going silent. “Hey,” he called him again trying to reach out to touch those chubby cheeks but his hand was swatted away.
“What are you doing here, Nakajima-kun? I told you not to go near me, right?” Yamada asked giving him a go-away-look.
Yuto smiled at him. The smile Yamada is afraid of, the smile that can make his heart skip a beat. “Are you hungry? Your dinner is here already.” Yuto replied instead.
“I’m not hungry.” Yamada said with his voice giving hints of annoyance. But his reply was betrayed by his stomach that growled because of hungriness. He hasn’t eaten his lunch earlier, that’s why. Yuto chuckled after hearing Yamada’s stomach growling. Yamada’s face became red because of the embarrassment. Yuto took the food from the table and took a spoonful of soup. He then placed the spoon in front of Yamada’s lips signaling he need to eat it. Yamada just looked at Yuto and saw him raising one of his eye brows. He hesitantly parted his lips and received the food Yuto gave. Yuto once again smiled and continued feeding Yamada.
20 minutes later, Yuto gave a small laugh, “Is this what you called, not hungry? I can’t even see a single grain of rice in your bowl.”
“Shut up.” Yamada replied at him then their attention went to someone who entered the room.
“Konbanwa, Yamada-san.” Yuto greeted her.
“Konbanwa Nakajima-kun. Thank you for taking care of Ryosuke today.” Yamada’s mother greeted him and bowed a little.
"It’s ok, Yamada-san. Yamada-kun is an important classmate, that’s why.” Yuto replied. “Jaa, I’ll take my leave now.” Yuto took his bag from the floor and looked at Yamada. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“It’s better if you won’t,” Yamada replied.
“Ryosuke.” His mom retorted.
Yuto just smiled and took his leave after saying goodbye.
--
It’s never easy for Yamada to avoid Yuto especially day after day, the latter goes to the hospital but bringing the same flower everyday. He wants Yuto to leave him alone before he can make Yuto go inside his world, a world of mess. He’s a mess, a mess that can’t be easily cleaned. He’s a glass in broken pieces that can’t be put back. He loves the pain, he feels happy when he feels pain. He’s different from what Yuto thinks of. He’s not that kind of person who gives off his real smile in front of people he’s not close too. He sticks with Takaki because he wants to feel the pain. He can’t even love himself, how can he love someone else?
That’s what he told Yuto on the latter’s 5th visit. Yuto was not surprised to hear it. So he replied, “I don’t care if I’m being messed up by you, Yamada-kun.” Then there, Yamada felt a tingling feeling that he can’t explain where it came from. “I don’t care if you’ll pull me to your messy world. As long as you’ll let me beside you, I don’t care about anything.”
With a seriousness of his voice, Yamada broke into tears. No one ever told him those things. No one ever needed him like that. Yuto wrapped his slim hands on Yamada’s frame to ease his cries. It’s the 2nd time Yuto saw him crying but he haven’t seen Yamada’s smiles yet. He was surprised when he felt Yamada clutched on his clothes as he cried on his chest.
“Arigatou…” he heard him murmured against his chest and Yuto can only smile.
--
After that day, Yamada didn’t try to shove Yuto away. Instead, he’s the one who decided that he’ll call him ‘Yuto-kun’ and Yuto can call him ‘Yama-chan’. Yuto got no problem with it. Their closeness is already in the level of friendship. Yuto goes to the hospital every after their class, bringing Yamada pink camellia. He still made another copy of lessons that Yamada missed. Yuto’s hard work made Yamada feel like he can trust Yuto. Maybe Yuto is the person who can fix him.
The days flew fast that there’s just 2 days left before Yamada will be discharged from the hospital.
“Yuto-kun,” Yamada called when Yuto is making bunny apples for him. “Do you like me?” and with that question, Yuto stopped for a while and looked at Yamada who’s playing the hem of his hospital uniform.
“Why do you want to know?” Yuto asked instead and Yamada pouted. He gathered lots of courage to ask him, he fought his sub conscious if he’s going to ask him or not, and when he really asked him, he just replied like that?
Yuto continued on making bunny apples for Yamada. He heard the latter murmured, “I hate you.” But Yuto just smiled. He kinda knows that’s not what Yamada really meant. He placed the knife and took the plate and sat beside Yamada who gave him a space for him to sit after he’s done making those bunny apples. He picked one of the bunny apples and offered it to Yamada. Yamada gladly accepted it, munching it while pouting. Yuto chucked lightly and Yamada looked at him. Yuto placed the plate at the table beside the bed.
“About your question…” Yuto started. “What do you think about it?”
“W-why are y-you asking me?” Yamada stuttered when Yuto inches his face closer to him until their nose is almost touching. Yuto snaked his hands slowly on Yamada’s neck and pushed Yamada closer to him. Then suddenly, Yamada felt soft lips against his. His eyes widen at first but it slowly closed as he felt Yuto’s lips coaxing him to respond on the kiss and he did.
“Now you know what my answer is.” Yuto said as he broke the kiss but his lips still brushing against Yamada’s. Yamada nodded at him. “I like you, Yamada Ryosuke.” And Yuto once again captured the latter’s lips. The kiss went longer than Yamada thought but Yuto didn’t deepen the kiss. It was an innocent kiss.
After their long, innocent kiss, Yuto pulled away and hugged the latter. He ruffled Yamada’s hair and the latter just buried his face on Yuto’s chest trying to calm his heart and hide his red face. He mind wants to pull away but Yuto hugging him, making him smell Yuto’s sweet scent, his body doesn’t want to.
They stayed like that not until a brunette guy entered the room. Yamada pushed himself away from Yuto and Yuto stood up from Yamada’s bed. “Can we talk for a while?” The brunette guy asked looking at Yuto.
“Sure,” the latter replied and started to follow Takaki going out of the room. “I’ll be back.” He said to Yamada before shutting the door closed. Yamada on the other hand can only watch their retreating backs since the way Takaki asked Yuto for a talk seems like the two talked before already.
--
“I warned you, didn’t I? Don’t get too close to Ryosuke or you’ll be dragged to his darkness. You’ll only let yourself suffer.” Takaki said as he leaned his back on the wall outside Yamada’s room.
“I have decided already.” Yuto replied and Takaki looked at him, confused. “I don’t care if I’m getting my hopes up telling myself that I can still fix him. I don’t mind being messed up by him, I don’t mind if he’ll drag me to his dark world. That’s how much I love him.”
Takaki chuckled lightly when he sees Yuto’s seriousness. “You’re strong.” He looked at Yuto. “Are you sure you won’t regret it?”
“I won’t.”
Takaki straightened his back and smiled at Yuto. “Well, then, good luck.” He walked towards Yuto and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “Last advice, as a senpai and not as Ryosuke’s ex-boyfriend: if ever you can fix him, don’t let him go back to what he was before.” And he left him.
--
Takaki is now Yamada’s ex-boyfriend since Yamada broke their relationship just the other day. He went to Yamada just to pay a visit, as a friend. True, he loved Yamada once but that’s because Yamada resembles his ex-lover. He actually felt sorry for the latter when he knows everything. But he can’t do anything about what Yamada is. And he was surprised to know Yamada went further as cutting his wrist. He felt guilty after that incident happened. But it’s not his fault; it’s not entirely his fault.
“That was quick.” A short guy said as Takaki went out the hospital.
“I don’t think I’m needed there anymore. Someone is taking care of him already.” Takaki replied as he grabbed the latter’s hand and pulled him to start walking.
--
Back in the hospital, Yuto went back to Yamada’s room. “What did Yuya said to you?” Yamada asked tilting his head to the right.
“Nothing, just about school stuffs.” Yuto said as he sat at the chair beside Yamada’s bed. “I’m going home soon.”
“I know. Mom is already on her way here. She called me while Yuya’s talking to you.”
Yuto stood up and took his bag. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” he said and pecked on Yamada’s forehead.
“I’ll wait for you.” Yamada replied then his mom arrived and Yuto took his leave.
--
The next day, Yuto is there again at the hospital. He and Yamada talked about what is happening in school right now. Yamada told him how he’s excited to go back to school. Yuto is happily listening to the latter’s talk. He never thought Yamada is actually talkative.
The day came where Yamada is going to be discharged from the hospital. He waited for Yuto but he didn’t come. Yamada tried to call his phone but it can’t be reached. Maybe Yuto is tired or busy. So Yamada is not really that sad because Yuto is not there. But still, he wants Yuto to be there. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling that way.
2 days had passed since he was discharged from the hospital but he still can’t contact Yuto. He doesn’t know Yuto’s address so he can’t go to his house. Maybe Yuto’s phone is broken? But Yuto didn’t contact him these past few days. Yuto can make lots of ways to contact the latter. Is it really true that Yuto likes him?
Questions kept rumbling in his mind and he doesn’t know what the answers are. His head hurts with all of those thinking so he just planned what to put on the bento he’s going to make for Yuto.
Yamada’s mom watched his son in amusement. She never thought she’ll be able to see his son that happy while looking for good food to be put in the bento. She knows what his son is doing to himself. She asked many times why he’s doing it but the latter doesn’t answer. She tried many times to stop him but he didn’t. So seeing her son like that makes her the happiest mom in the world right now.
--
“Kaa-chan, ittekimasu!” Yamada said as he went out the house and Chinen waiting for him. “Ohayou, Chii!” he greeted his best friend.
“Ohayou, Yama-chan.” Chinen eyed the paper bag Yamada is holding. “2 bento?” he asked.
“Un, one for me and one for Yuto-kun.” Yamada replied happily.
“Are you two dating?” Chinen asked out of the blue.
“W-w-what?! NO, we’re not!” but for the thought of him and Yuto dating made his face red.
“I know, I know.” Chinen laughed at his best friend’s reaction. “Because if you and Nakajima-kun are dating I’ll be the first to know. But Yama-chan, you like Nakajima-kun, don’t you.” They’re now entering their school gate.
Yamada stopped on his tracks and looked at Chinen. “I… I DON’T!” and he ran towards the school building. Many students greeted him asking him how he is. He replied to them cheerfully, smiling widely. But those smiles are not the ones he is giving before, not the fake one, but somehow the real one. Since Yuto arrived in his life, Yamada learned how to smile naturally and not the forced and fake ones.
Yamada went directly to the teacher’s office since he was called by their homeroom teacher. He was told about the things he missed so he need to catch up and is required to have extra classes. When he went out of the office, he found Yuto walking towards the office. He’s talking to a girl that’s from the other section so maybe Yuto didn’t notice him. He smiled widely when Yuto is getting closer and closer.
“Y-Yu-“ He was about to greet the latter but he just passed by him. Yamada was stoned in his place, his smile faded away. He looked back and saw Yuto walking towards their homeroom teacher. Maybe Yuto didn’t see him? But it’s just not that, the whole day, Yuto has been ignoring him. Even the lunch he made was not given to Yuto. Every time he attempted to go close to Yuto, the latter will suddenly go. If he tries to talk, Yuto will call a random classmate and talk at that classmate.
Did he do anything wrong? He didn’t know. He keeps recalling everything; he didn’t do anything to make Yuto ignore him. Yamada was silent while walking home with Chinen. He keeps eyeing the bento he didn’t get the chance to give. Chinen saw how Yuto ignore Yamada and he felt sorry for his best friend. The happy mood Yamada had earlier is now gone. Chinen walked Yamada towards the latter’s house and as they arrived at Yamada’s home, his best friend didn’t even give a goodbye. Chinen can understand him, he’s really down, and that’s why.
The following days are still the same and it’s been 1 week already. Yuto always avoids Yamada and day by day, Yamada felt down. Why does it hurt? Yamada thought while lying on his bed staring at the ceiling of his room, looking at nothingness. He closed his eyes, remembering the days when Yuto still visits him in the hospital. He smiled. Remembering it makes him smile. He still remembered how Yuto stayed with him even though he’s pushing him away. He can still remember the day when Yuto said that he likes him. He covered his face with his hands when he remembered Yuto kissing him. He can feel his cheeks burning. It’s the first time he felt this way. It’s the first time his heart beating rapidly just by remembering Yuto. Is this what people called, “love”? Yamada thought. But with too much thinking, Yamada drifted to sleep and hopes he can talk to Yuto the next day.
--
Yamada can’t even make a step inside the school gate when he saw Yuto walking with a girl-the girl that is always rumored that she and Yuto are dating-towards the school building. Are they really dating? Yamada thought about that and his heart hurts like being pricked by a needle, tons of needles. He took one step, and another one, and another one, followed by his very quick pace. His tears started to roll down his cheeks. Doesn’t he feel happy when he feels pain? But why does he feel hurt?
It’s really not his intention to bump at Yuto who’s walking in a very slow pace. It’s just that, he’s bowing his head, his bangs covering his face and he can barely see the students in front of him. When he bumped at Yuto, he turned to him and bowed to say sorry. He quickly ran away from Yuto and went directly to the roof top.
He sat at the very corner of the rooftop, grabbing his chest where his heart is, Yamada’s tears continued to flow. It just hurts. It hurts too much. He then laughed, laughing while crying seems crazy but that’s how he is whenever he feels pain. “It hurts.” He laughed again. “It hurts.” He repeated. “The kind of pain that I always loved.” He said still laughing. But what Yamada don’t understand is, he is forcing himself to laugh.
His laugh turned into sobs. He put his knees in front of him and pulled it closer to him. He hugged it tighter and tighter. Suddenly the door of the rooftop opened and he saw his best friend who saw everything.
“Yama-chan…” Chinen mumbled before going to his best friend who is crying his heart out. He hugged Yamada and hushed him to stop crying.
“Chii, I thought if you fell in love, you’ll feel happy. But why does it hurt?” Yamada asked between his cries. “He told me he likes me. He even kissed me. He told me, he doesn’t care if he’ll be dragged in my world as long as I’ll let him beside me.”
“Is everything a lie?” he asked again. “I thought he needs me.” And Chinen can only hug his best friend as he doesn’t know what advice he should say. He can’t say nothing is going on between Yuto and that girl since he doesn’t know the real story. He also can’t say Yamada should just give up because he doesn’t know what if, there’s nothing going on between the girl and Yuto. He’ll be a bad best friend if it will happen.
Both of them skipped the morning class and attended the afternoon class when Yamada’s eyes are not puffy and red anymore. That’s when Yamada knew that it’s his cleaning duty together with no other than Nakajima Yuto.
--
The class bell rang indicating class will end for that day. Students went out the room chattering and it became really noisy. It went silent went the students in class 2A are not there anymore except Chinen, Yamada, and Yuto. Yamada and Yuto are still sitting in their seats. Chinen on the other hand, needed to leave already but he really doesn’t want to leave Yamada alone with Yuto.
“Y-Yama-chan,” Chinen started and Yamada looked at him. “I need to go now. Kaa-chan told me to go home early.”
“Ah, sure. Take care.” Yamada replied.
“will you be alright?” Chinen asked still worried.
“Of course.” Yamada smiled at him knowing his best friend is worried.
“Jaa, I’ll call you later.” Chinen said and left the room.
Now it’s Yuto and Yamada who’s left in the room, the awkward atmosphere is present. Yamada heard the shuffling of seats and he saw Yuto standing up. He started to place the tables at the side and put the chairs on top of them. Yamada stood up too and did the same. Yuto took the broom and started to sweep the dusts off the floor and Yamada cleaned the board and the chalk ledge. They’re almost done, so they put back the tables and chairs in the proper places. During the whole 30 minutes of cleaning, Yuto and Yamada didn’t even speak a word. They just keep doing their work and nothing else.
Yuto took his bag and was ready to leave when all works are completed. Yamada seeing Yuto taking his bag felt like he needed to do something. He doesn’t know what he needs to do. Should he call him? Should he ask him why he doesn’t talk to him anymore? But all questions were not answered when he saw Yuto already near the door. It’s now or never.
Yuto stopped when he felt Yamada holding the back of his uniform to make him stop. “Don’t go yet, please.” Yamada said and Yuto didn’t move a muscle. He then felt Yamada wrapping his hands around his slim waist from the back.
When Yuto didn’t respond anything, Yamada tightened his hug and tears started to flow from his eyes burying his face on Yuto’s uniform. Yuto felt Yamada’s arms tightened around his waist ad he felt the shaking of the latter. He suddenly heard the sobs Yamada is making. Even though it hurts him seeing the latter cried, he just stayed still.
“You,” Yamada started, Yuto waited, “You said you like me, right?” without an answer, Yamada’s cry became heavy. “You said you like me, Yuto-kun but why are you ignoring me? Why are you avoiding me?”
Still got no response from Yuto, Yamada almost lost his hope that everything is true. “It hurts. It hurts so much Yuto-kun. You, ignoring me hurts. It’s as if like we’re like the same in the past, not talking with each other. Didn’t you say you like me? Or is it just a lie? Is everything a lie? Is every word that you said a lie?”
His arms dropped from Yuto’s waist to his sides. He clenched his chest as he squatted on the floor. “If I knew love hurts, I won’t even let myself love you, Yuto-kun.” Yamada finally said it.
“Don’t you love the pain?” Yuto asked him. “Don’t you love the pain, then why are you hurt? You must be happy, right?”
And Yamada shook his head furiously. “I don’t like it at all and I’m not happy either. If I am, maybe I’m not here right now, crying in front of you. It hurts too much whenever I think that everything that you said was a lie. I feel like being stabbed by hundreds of knives. Much worse when I cut my wrist.”
Silence, only Yamada’s sobs filled the room. He kept crying not until he felt warmth engulfing him as arms wrapping around his frame. He looked to his side only to be surprised when a pair of lips locked his own as his sobs was being swallowed by the latter. It took him time to respond and when he started to close his yes, wrap his arms around Yuto’s neck, and started to kiss back. Yuto tilted his head and deepened the kiss when Yamada gave him a full access. As they broke the kiss, Yuto pressed their foreheads together, noses touching, breaths mingling with each other.
“You don’t want to feel ‘pain’ again?” Yuto asked and Yamada shook his head. “Are you sure?” Yamada nodded.
“You fixed me, Yuto-kun. You brought me out of my messy world. My messy heart was cleaned and was replaced with your love. Because of you, I learned how to love. Because of you, I felt the happiness I never felt before. That’s the reason why I don’t want to go back to who I am before.” Yamada replied still not moving away from Yuto.
Yuto closed his eyes and smiled lovingly at him, the smile he wants to see everyday. Yuto gently caressed Yamada’s cheeks and said, “You know Yama-chan, everything is not a lie. Chinen talked to me earlier. Suzuka is nothing but a childhood friend and she knows about my feelings towards you. I’m avoiding you because I want to know. I want to know if by ignoring you, I’ll be able to fix you.”
“I asked a psychologist, you know. And that’s what the doctor recommended me to do.” He chuckled lightly then rubbed their noses together, “I love you Yama-chan.”
“I love you too, Yuto-kun.”
“Yama-chan, do you know what’s best for you to feel happiness?” Yuto asked.
“No.” Yamada shook his head.
“Be mine…”
When Yamada nodded, their lips met once again.
----OWARI----
A/N: Ain-chan!!!! minna!!!!! D:
gomen ne? >w< i made a failed sequel... D:
i don't know if you'll like it or not.. >w<
so, all critiques and comments are welcomed.. >w<
and to the silent readers.. 8D
thanks for reading.. <3
"will edit this tomorrow, need to sleep now~~"
Author: Natsu [me]
Pairing: YamaJima
Genre: Fluff? Romance? li'l bit of angst~
Rating: PG for the kiss
Disclaimer: I only own the plot.. :P
A/N: before reading this, read the prequel of this fic first entitled, Heart a Mess by pink_stitchy
Summary: Yuto wants to fix Yamada's messy heart.
Looking at his window, Yamada heaved a sigh. It’s been a week already since he told Chinen that he doesn’t want Yuto to go near him. He misses seeing Yuto already and he wants to hear his voice. He wants to be hugged again and he wants to smell Yuto’s addicting scent. Somehow, that’s what he is thinking. Every afternoon, Chinen will visit him but sometimes he’s expecting Yuto to come. He sighed once again then lied down on his bed. School’s almost over and Chinen will be on his way later. It’s been a week already but the daisies that Yuto brought is still there. He just doesn’t want it to be replaced. He covered himself with his blanket and think about some things. He’ll be discharged from the hospital 2 weeks from now. He’ll see Yuto again.
Yamada opened his eyes and yawned. He fell asleep. He looked at his watch and it’s 6 in the evening already. He sat on his bed and looked for Chinen but no one is there. Maybe he went home already so he’s expecting for his mom to arrive. He turned to his left ready to smile to the daisies but he was surprised to see a different flower. It’s not the daisy Yuto gave him. He can only sigh for he can’t do anything about it anymore. And why pink camellia?
His room’s door opened and he looked at the person who entered. He can only look at that person too surprised to see the latter. It’s been one week since he hasn’t seen him but there he is now, approaching him.
“Good evening, Yamada-kun.” He smiled at him while sitting at the chair beside the bed. Yamada was still surprised that he can’t even make his voice out. “Are you okay?” he asked seeing Yamada going silent. “Hey,” he called him again trying to reach out to touch those chubby cheeks but his hand was swatted away.
“What are you doing here, Nakajima-kun? I told you not to go near me, right?” Yamada asked giving him a go-away-look.
Yuto smiled at him. The smile Yamada is afraid of, the smile that can make his heart skip a beat. “Are you hungry? Your dinner is here already.” Yuto replied instead.
“I’m not hungry.” Yamada said with his voice giving hints of annoyance. But his reply was betrayed by his stomach that growled because of hungriness. He hasn’t eaten his lunch earlier, that’s why. Yuto chuckled after hearing Yamada’s stomach growling. Yamada’s face became red because of the embarrassment. Yuto took the food from the table and took a spoonful of soup. He then placed the spoon in front of Yamada’s lips signaling he need to eat it. Yamada just looked at Yuto and saw him raising one of his eye brows. He hesitantly parted his lips and received the food Yuto gave. Yuto once again smiled and continued feeding Yamada.
20 minutes later, Yuto gave a small laugh, “Is this what you called, not hungry? I can’t even see a single grain of rice in your bowl.”
“Shut up.” Yamada replied at him then their attention went to someone who entered the room.
“Konbanwa, Yamada-san.” Yuto greeted her.
“Konbanwa Nakajima-kun. Thank you for taking care of Ryosuke today.” Yamada’s mother greeted him and bowed a little.
"It’s ok, Yamada-san. Yamada-kun is an important classmate, that’s why.” Yuto replied. “Jaa, I’ll take my leave now.” Yuto took his bag from the floor and looked at Yamada. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
“It’s better if you won’t,” Yamada replied.
“Ryosuke.” His mom retorted.
Yuto just smiled and took his leave after saying goodbye.
--
It’s never easy for Yamada to avoid Yuto especially day after day, the latter goes to the hospital but bringing the same flower everyday. He wants Yuto to leave him alone before he can make Yuto go inside his world, a world of mess. He’s a mess, a mess that can’t be easily cleaned. He’s a glass in broken pieces that can’t be put back. He loves the pain, he feels happy when he feels pain. He’s different from what Yuto thinks of. He’s not that kind of person who gives off his real smile in front of people he’s not close too. He sticks with Takaki because he wants to feel the pain. He can’t even love himself, how can he love someone else?
That’s what he told Yuto on the latter’s 5th visit. Yuto was not surprised to hear it. So he replied, “I don’t care if I’m being messed up by you, Yamada-kun.” Then there, Yamada felt a tingling feeling that he can’t explain where it came from. “I don’t care if you’ll pull me to your messy world. As long as you’ll let me beside you, I don’t care about anything.”
With a seriousness of his voice, Yamada broke into tears. No one ever told him those things. No one ever needed him like that. Yuto wrapped his slim hands on Yamada’s frame to ease his cries. It’s the 2nd time Yuto saw him crying but he haven’t seen Yamada’s smiles yet. He was surprised when he felt Yamada clutched on his clothes as he cried on his chest.
“Arigatou…” he heard him murmured against his chest and Yuto can only smile.
--
After that day, Yamada didn’t try to shove Yuto away. Instead, he’s the one who decided that he’ll call him ‘Yuto-kun’ and Yuto can call him ‘Yama-chan’. Yuto got no problem with it. Their closeness is already in the level of friendship. Yuto goes to the hospital every after their class, bringing Yamada pink camellia. He still made another copy of lessons that Yamada missed. Yuto’s hard work made Yamada feel like he can trust Yuto. Maybe Yuto is the person who can fix him.
The days flew fast that there’s just 2 days left before Yamada will be discharged from the hospital.
“Yuto-kun,” Yamada called when Yuto is making bunny apples for him. “Do you like me?” and with that question, Yuto stopped for a while and looked at Yamada who’s playing the hem of his hospital uniform.
“Why do you want to know?” Yuto asked instead and Yamada pouted. He gathered lots of courage to ask him, he fought his sub conscious if he’s going to ask him or not, and when he really asked him, he just replied like that?
Yuto continued on making bunny apples for Yamada. He heard the latter murmured, “I hate you.” But Yuto just smiled. He kinda knows that’s not what Yamada really meant. He placed the knife and took the plate and sat beside Yamada who gave him a space for him to sit after he’s done making those bunny apples. He picked one of the bunny apples and offered it to Yamada. Yamada gladly accepted it, munching it while pouting. Yuto chucked lightly and Yamada looked at him. Yuto placed the plate at the table beside the bed.
“About your question…” Yuto started. “What do you think about it?”
“W-why are y-you asking me?” Yamada stuttered when Yuto inches his face closer to him until their nose is almost touching. Yuto snaked his hands slowly on Yamada’s neck and pushed Yamada closer to him. Then suddenly, Yamada felt soft lips against his. His eyes widen at first but it slowly closed as he felt Yuto’s lips coaxing him to respond on the kiss and he did.
“Now you know what my answer is.” Yuto said as he broke the kiss but his lips still brushing against Yamada’s. Yamada nodded at him. “I like you, Yamada Ryosuke.” And Yuto once again captured the latter’s lips. The kiss went longer than Yamada thought but Yuto didn’t deepen the kiss. It was an innocent kiss.
After their long, innocent kiss, Yuto pulled away and hugged the latter. He ruffled Yamada’s hair and the latter just buried his face on Yuto’s chest trying to calm his heart and hide his red face. He mind wants to pull away but Yuto hugging him, making him smell Yuto’s sweet scent, his body doesn’t want to.
They stayed like that not until a brunette guy entered the room. Yamada pushed himself away from Yuto and Yuto stood up from Yamada’s bed. “Can we talk for a while?” The brunette guy asked looking at Yuto.
“Sure,” the latter replied and started to follow Takaki going out of the room. “I’ll be back.” He said to Yamada before shutting the door closed. Yamada on the other hand can only watch their retreating backs since the way Takaki asked Yuto for a talk seems like the two talked before already.
--
“I warned you, didn’t I? Don’t get too close to Ryosuke or you’ll be dragged to his darkness. You’ll only let yourself suffer.” Takaki said as he leaned his back on the wall outside Yamada’s room.
“I have decided already.” Yuto replied and Takaki looked at him, confused. “I don’t care if I’m getting my hopes up telling myself that I can still fix him. I don’t mind being messed up by him, I don’t mind if he’ll drag me to his dark world. That’s how much I love him.”
Takaki chuckled lightly when he sees Yuto’s seriousness. “You’re strong.” He looked at Yuto. “Are you sure you won’t regret it?”
“I won’t.”
Takaki straightened his back and smiled at Yuto. “Well, then, good luck.” He walked towards Yuto and tapped the latter’s shoulder. “Last advice, as a senpai and not as Ryosuke’s ex-boyfriend: if ever you can fix him, don’t let him go back to what he was before.” And he left him.
--
Takaki is now Yamada’s ex-boyfriend since Yamada broke their relationship just the other day. He went to Yamada just to pay a visit, as a friend. True, he loved Yamada once but that’s because Yamada resembles his ex-lover. He actually felt sorry for the latter when he knows everything. But he can’t do anything about what Yamada is. And he was surprised to know Yamada went further as cutting his wrist. He felt guilty after that incident happened. But it’s not his fault; it’s not entirely his fault.
“That was quick.” A short guy said as Takaki went out the hospital.
“I don’t think I’m needed there anymore. Someone is taking care of him already.” Takaki replied as he grabbed the latter’s hand and pulled him to start walking.
--
Back in the hospital, Yuto went back to Yamada’s room. “What did Yuya said to you?” Yamada asked tilting his head to the right.
“Nothing, just about school stuffs.” Yuto said as he sat at the chair beside Yamada’s bed. “I’m going home soon.”
“I know. Mom is already on her way here. She called me while Yuya’s talking to you.”
Yuto stood up and took his bag. “I’ll be back tomorrow,” he said and pecked on Yamada’s forehead.
“I’ll wait for you.” Yamada replied then his mom arrived and Yuto took his leave.
--
The next day, Yuto is there again at the hospital. He and Yamada talked about what is happening in school right now. Yamada told him how he’s excited to go back to school. Yuto is happily listening to the latter’s talk. He never thought Yamada is actually talkative.
The day came where Yamada is going to be discharged from the hospital. He waited for Yuto but he didn’t come. Yamada tried to call his phone but it can’t be reached. Maybe Yuto is tired or busy. So Yamada is not really that sad because Yuto is not there. But still, he wants Yuto to be there. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling that way.
2 days had passed since he was discharged from the hospital but he still can’t contact Yuto. He doesn’t know Yuto’s address so he can’t go to his house. Maybe Yuto’s phone is broken? But Yuto didn’t contact him these past few days. Yuto can make lots of ways to contact the latter. Is it really true that Yuto likes him?
Questions kept rumbling in his mind and he doesn’t know what the answers are. His head hurts with all of those thinking so he just planned what to put on the bento he’s going to make for Yuto.
Yamada’s mom watched his son in amusement. She never thought she’ll be able to see his son that happy while looking for good food to be put in the bento. She knows what his son is doing to himself. She asked many times why he’s doing it but the latter doesn’t answer. She tried many times to stop him but he didn’t. So seeing her son like that makes her the happiest mom in the world right now.
--
“Kaa-chan, ittekimasu!” Yamada said as he went out the house and Chinen waiting for him. “Ohayou, Chii!” he greeted his best friend.
“Ohayou, Yama-chan.” Chinen eyed the paper bag Yamada is holding. “2 bento?” he asked.
“Un, one for me and one for Yuto-kun.” Yamada replied happily.
“Are you two dating?” Chinen asked out of the blue.
“W-w-what?! NO, we’re not!” but for the thought of him and Yuto dating made his face red.
“I know, I know.” Chinen laughed at his best friend’s reaction. “Because if you and Nakajima-kun are dating I’ll be the first to know. But Yama-chan, you like Nakajima-kun, don’t you.” They’re now entering their school gate.
Yamada stopped on his tracks and looked at Chinen. “I… I DON’T!” and he ran towards the school building. Many students greeted him asking him how he is. He replied to them cheerfully, smiling widely. But those smiles are not the ones he is giving before, not the fake one, but somehow the real one. Since Yuto arrived in his life, Yamada learned how to smile naturally and not the forced and fake ones.
Yamada went directly to the teacher’s office since he was called by their homeroom teacher. He was told about the things he missed so he need to catch up and is required to have extra classes. When he went out of the office, he found Yuto walking towards the office. He’s talking to a girl that’s from the other section so maybe Yuto didn’t notice him. He smiled widely when Yuto is getting closer and closer.
“Y-Yu-“ He was about to greet the latter but he just passed by him. Yamada was stoned in his place, his smile faded away. He looked back and saw Yuto walking towards their homeroom teacher. Maybe Yuto didn’t see him? But it’s just not that, the whole day, Yuto has been ignoring him. Even the lunch he made was not given to Yuto. Every time he attempted to go close to Yuto, the latter will suddenly go. If he tries to talk, Yuto will call a random classmate and talk at that classmate.
Did he do anything wrong? He didn’t know. He keeps recalling everything; he didn’t do anything to make Yuto ignore him. Yamada was silent while walking home with Chinen. He keeps eyeing the bento he didn’t get the chance to give. Chinen saw how Yuto ignore Yamada and he felt sorry for his best friend. The happy mood Yamada had earlier is now gone. Chinen walked Yamada towards the latter’s house and as they arrived at Yamada’s home, his best friend didn’t even give a goodbye. Chinen can understand him, he’s really down, and that’s why.
The following days are still the same and it’s been 1 week already. Yuto always avoids Yamada and day by day, Yamada felt down. Why does it hurt? Yamada thought while lying on his bed staring at the ceiling of his room, looking at nothingness. He closed his eyes, remembering the days when Yuto still visits him in the hospital. He smiled. Remembering it makes him smile. He still remembered how Yuto stayed with him even though he’s pushing him away. He can still remember the day when Yuto said that he likes him. He covered his face with his hands when he remembered Yuto kissing him. He can feel his cheeks burning. It’s the first time he felt this way. It’s the first time his heart beating rapidly just by remembering Yuto. Is this what people called, “love”? Yamada thought. But with too much thinking, Yamada drifted to sleep and hopes he can talk to Yuto the next day.
--
Yamada can’t even make a step inside the school gate when he saw Yuto walking with a girl-the girl that is always rumored that she and Yuto are dating-towards the school building. Are they really dating? Yamada thought about that and his heart hurts like being pricked by a needle, tons of needles. He took one step, and another one, and another one, followed by his very quick pace. His tears started to roll down his cheeks. Doesn’t he feel happy when he feels pain? But why does he feel hurt?
It’s really not his intention to bump at Yuto who’s walking in a very slow pace. It’s just that, he’s bowing his head, his bangs covering his face and he can barely see the students in front of him. When he bumped at Yuto, he turned to him and bowed to say sorry. He quickly ran away from Yuto and went directly to the roof top.
He sat at the very corner of the rooftop, grabbing his chest where his heart is, Yamada’s tears continued to flow. It just hurts. It hurts too much. He then laughed, laughing while crying seems crazy but that’s how he is whenever he feels pain. “It hurts.” He laughed again. “It hurts.” He repeated. “The kind of pain that I always loved.” He said still laughing. But what Yamada don’t understand is, he is forcing himself to laugh.
His laugh turned into sobs. He put his knees in front of him and pulled it closer to him. He hugged it tighter and tighter. Suddenly the door of the rooftop opened and he saw his best friend who saw everything.
“Yama-chan…” Chinen mumbled before going to his best friend who is crying his heart out. He hugged Yamada and hushed him to stop crying.
“Chii, I thought if you fell in love, you’ll feel happy. But why does it hurt?” Yamada asked between his cries. “He told me he likes me. He even kissed me. He told me, he doesn’t care if he’ll be dragged in my world as long as I’ll let him beside me.”
“Is everything a lie?” he asked again. “I thought he needs me.” And Chinen can only hug his best friend as he doesn’t know what advice he should say. He can’t say nothing is going on between Yuto and that girl since he doesn’t know the real story. He also can’t say Yamada should just give up because he doesn’t know what if, there’s nothing going on between the girl and Yuto. He’ll be a bad best friend if it will happen.
Both of them skipped the morning class and attended the afternoon class when Yamada’s eyes are not puffy and red anymore. That’s when Yamada knew that it’s his cleaning duty together with no other than Nakajima Yuto.
--
The class bell rang indicating class will end for that day. Students went out the room chattering and it became really noisy. It went silent went the students in class 2A are not there anymore except Chinen, Yamada, and Yuto. Yamada and Yuto are still sitting in their seats. Chinen on the other hand, needed to leave already but he really doesn’t want to leave Yamada alone with Yuto.
“Y-Yama-chan,” Chinen started and Yamada looked at him. “I need to go now. Kaa-chan told me to go home early.”
“Ah, sure. Take care.” Yamada replied.
“will you be alright?” Chinen asked still worried.
“Of course.” Yamada smiled at him knowing his best friend is worried.
“Jaa, I’ll call you later.” Chinen said and left the room.
Now it’s Yuto and Yamada who’s left in the room, the awkward atmosphere is present. Yamada heard the shuffling of seats and he saw Yuto standing up. He started to place the tables at the side and put the chairs on top of them. Yamada stood up too and did the same. Yuto took the broom and started to sweep the dusts off the floor and Yamada cleaned the board and the chalk ledge. They’re almost done, so they put back the tables and chairs in the proper places. During the whole 30 minutes of cleaning, Yuto and Yamada didn’t even speak a word. They just keep doing their work and nothing else.
Yuto took his bag and was ready to leave when all works are completed. Yamada seeing Yuto taking his bag felt like he needed to do something. He doesn’t know what he needs to do. Should he call him? Should he ask him why he doesn’t talk to him anymore? But all questions were not answered when he saw Yuto already near the door. It’s now or never.
Yuto stopped when he felt Yamada holding the back of his uniform to make him stop. “Don’t go yet, please.” Yamada said and Yuto didn’t move a muscle. He then felt Yamada wrapping his hands around his slim waist from the back.
When Yuto didn’t respond anything, Yamada tightened his hug and tears started to flow from his eyes burying his face on Yuto’s uniform. Yuto felt Yamada’s arms tightened around his waist ad he felt the shaking of the latter. He suddenly heard the sobs Yamada is making. Even though it hurts him seeing the latter cried, he just stayed still.
“You,” Yamada started, Yuto waited, “You said you like me, right?” without an answer, Yamada’s cry became heavy. “You said you like me, Yuto-kun but why are you ignoring me? Why are you avoiding me?”
Still got no response from Yuto, Yamada almost lost his hope that everything is true. “It hurts. It hurts so much Yuto-kun. You, ignoring me hurts. It’s as if like we’re like the same in the past, not talking with each other. Didn’t you say you like me? Or is it just a lie? Is everything a lie? Is every word that you said a lie?”
His arms dropped from Yuto’s waist to his sides. He clenched his chest as he squatted on the floor. “If I knew love hurts, I won’t even let myself love you, Yuto-kun.” Yamada finally said it.
“Don’t you love the pain?” Yuto asked him. “Don’t you love the pain, then why are you hurt? You must be happy, right?”
And Yamada shook his head furiously. “I don’t like it at all and I’m not happy either. If I am, maybe I’m not here right now, crying in front of you. It hurts too much whenever I think that everything that you said was a lie. I feel like being stabbed by hundreds of knives. Much worse when I cut my wrist.”
Silence, only Yamada’s sobs filled the room. He kept crying not until he felt warmth engulfing him as arms wrapping around his frame. He looked to his side only to be surprised when a pair of lips locked his own as his sobs was being swallowed by the latter. It took him time to respond and when he started to close his yes, wrap his arms around Yuto’s neck, and started to kiss back. Yuto tilted his head and deepened the kiss when Yamada gave him a full access. As they broke the kiss, Yuto pressed their foreheads together, noses touching, breaths mingling with each other.
“You don’t want to feel ‘pain’ again?” Yuto asked and Yamada shook his head. “Are you sure?” Yamada nodded.
“You fixed me, Yuto-kun. You brought me out of my messy world. My messy heart was cleaned and was replaced with your love. Because of you, I learned how to love. Because of you, I felt the happiness I never felt before. That’s the reason why I don’t want to go back to who I am before.” Yamada replied still not moving away from Yuto.
Yuto closed his eyes and smiled lovingly at him, the smile he wants to see everyday. Yuto gently caressed Yamada’s cheeks and said, “You know Yama-chan, everything is not a lie. Chinen talked to me earlier. Suzuka is nothing but a childhood friend and she knows about my feelings towards you. I’m avoiding you because I want to know. I want to know if by ignoring you, I’ll be able to fix you.”
“I asked a psychologist, you know. And that’s what the doctor recommended me to do.” He chuckled lightly then rubbed their noses together, “I love you Yama-chan.”
“I love you too, Yuto-kun.”
“Yama-chan, do you know what’s best for you to feel happiness?” Yuto asked.
“No.” Yamada shook his head.
“Be mine…”
When Yamada nodded, their lips met once again.
----OWARI----
A/N: Ain-chan!!!! minna!!!!! D:
gomen ne? >w< i made a failed sequel... D:
i don't know if you'll like it or not.. >w<
so, all critiques and comments are welcomed.. >w<
and to the silent readers.. 8D
thanks for reading.. <3
"will edit this tomorrow, need to sleep now~~"