feeling like spaghetti right about now
I...actually don't have much to say since the last time I posted! AND THEN WHAT A LIE THIS SENTENCE BECAME.
Been going and doing and working and blah blah blah - the days just seem to fly by. I got all that awful sinus shit again a few days ago so I probably won't be going to that Homestuck vs. Hetalia event in Slidell - plus, I don't really have the gas money to waste on something like that. Gotta save what little I get for Christmas and the L'Arc ticket whenever the hell the New York concert ones go on sale.
So, let's get this out of the way: I'm not entirely sure I can return to school next year since it might be too late to try and submit the paperwork. I haven't even paid the fee to Ole Miss yet since we had some unexpected expenses with my mom's car and I don't have enough myself to pay it. I mean, I know the school closes in about a month but I have to get the money together to pay the damn thing, get the necessary files, submit everything - it has to be too late, right? I don't want to run around trying to get things together and it be too late and me be disappointed. When I applied to Ole Miss, I applied months and months in advance and I know that USM is a different school but you can't just apply to a college a few weeks before they close down for winter break.
I sound so depressing but I'm like...trying to feel neutral about this right now? Ambivalent? Something like that. I've set myself up for things and been so disappointed already so many times this year that I don't think I can take doing that to myself again. Which is not the person I am, really - I'm the kind of person who does whatever I can no matter what and only gives up when there are no longer any options. Giving up for now feels kind of...like it goes against my nature but sometimes, what can you do? And I mean, it's not like I'm really "giving up" - I'm going to continue to work and save money and try to be a responsible adult as much as I can be. Not going to school for another semester is not the same as giving up on going to school, I know. But it sure as hell feels that way.
OH MY GOD I'M USUALLY NOT THIS BAD OH GOD. It's only when I start to write an entry, I start to really feel what I don't try to think about and it just kind of all comes out in a rush. Usually I'm all right! But sometimes I'll think about it and start trying to tell everyone about what's happening in my life and I realize these things. The guilt about it all is eating me away right now. I am so guilty over everything these days - not visiting my dad in months, putting off translations sometimes when I'm not in the mood - so what's one more thing? OH GOD SEE I JUST GET...IN THIS STATE...WHEN I OPEN LOG IN HERE...okay, I'll stop.
IN OTHER NEWS THAT ISN'T DEPRESSING I signed up for Yuletide again this year because all the fandoms I nominated made it in. I know I'm probably just going to get T&B fic but whatever, I'm cool with whatever comes my way. Which reminds me - I need to write a letter and link it - remind me to do that, someone. But watch me forget to do that until the very last day to do it.
Anyway, I always forget what else I want to talk about on here because I scream at Plurk and Tumblr about everything and then reserve all the depressing shit for LJ. And if I can be completely honest - and let's face it, I always am - I am somewhat embarrassed to screech about fannish things on here now? For some reason? I don't know, LJ exists now solely for fandom, don't deny it, but somehow, it feels...strange to talk about it on here. I mean, I'll mention the occasional thing but doing it to the extent I do on other places...I just can't. And like...there are so many fucking fannish things I could talk about. The Hunger Games trailer, the current arc in Homestuck, all the manga I follow, THE HUNGER GAMES TRAILER, being too obsessed with hot fictional man tits - the list goes on.
But I can't do it the way I did when I was a teenie and bang my head over Bleach chapters and new L'Arc singles and make dumb marquees. My reactions have become more understated. I was talking about it on Plurk but I think I'm started to outgrow fandom just a bit. I've increasingly lost interest in most aspects of it over the years, which is a bit sad. I don't think I have to outgrow it, it's just...a thing that happened and I didn't realize it until now. But it's only inevitable - I'm not the same person I was when I was younger, after all. Although it's sad...I'm starting to become okay with it. Or at least making myself okay with it. Meh.
Goddamn, I have vomited my feelings all over this fucking thing tonight. Shit. I should probably stop now.
Been going and doing and working and blah blah blah - the days just seem to fly by. I got all that awful sinus shit again a few days ago so I probably won't be going to that Homestuck vs. Hetalia event in Slidell - plus, I don't really have the gas money to waste on something like that. Gotta save what little I get for Christmas and the L'Arc ticket whenever the hell the New York concert ones go on sale.
So, let's get this out of the way: I'm not entirely sure I can return to school next year since it might be too late to try and submit the paperwork. I haven't even paid the fee to Ole Miss yet since we had some unexpected expenses with my mom's car and I don't have enough myself to pay it. I mean, I know the school closes in about a month but I have to get the money together to pay the damn thing, get the necessary files, submit everything - it has to be too late, right? I don't want to run around trying to get things together and it be too late and me be disappointed. When I applied to Ole Miss, I applied months and months in advance and I know that USM is a different school but you can't just apply to a college a few weeks before they close down for winter break.
I sound so depressing but I'm like...trying to feel neutral about this right now? Ambivalent? Something like that. I've set myself up for things and been so disappointed already so many times this year that I don't think I can take doing that to myself again. Which is not the person I am, really - I'm the kind of person who does whatever I can no matter what and only gives up when there are no longer any options. Giving up for now feels kind of...like it goes against my nature but sometimes, what can you do? And I mean, it's not like I'm really "giving up" - I'm going to continue to work and save money and try to be a responsible adult as much as I can be. Not going to school for another semester is not the same as giving up on going to school, I know. But it sure as hell feels that way.
OH MY GOD I'M USUALLY NOT THIS BAD OH GOD. It's only when I start to write an entry, I start to really feel what I don't try to think about and it just kind of all comes out in a rush. Usually I'm all right! But sometimes I'll think about it and start trying to tell everyone about what's happening in my life and I realize these things. The guilt about it all is eating me away right now. I am so guilty over everything these days - not visiting my dad in months, putting off translations sometimes when I'm not in the mood - so what's one more thing? OH GOD SEE I JUST GET...IN THIS STATE...WHEN I OPEN LOG IN HERE...okay, I'll stop.
IN OTHER NEWS THAT ISN'T DEPRESSING I signed up for Yuletide again this year because all the fandoms I nominated made it in. I know I'm probably just going to get T&B fic but whatever, I'm cool with whatever comes my way. Which reminds me - I need to write a letter and link it - remind me to do that, someone. But watch me forget to do that until the very last day to do it.
Anyway, I always forget what else I want to talk about on here because I scream at Plurk and Tumblr about everything and then reserve all the depressing shit for LJ. And if I can be completely honest - and let's face it, I always am - I am somewhat embarrassed to screech about fannish things on here now? For some reason? I don't know, LJ exists now solely for fandom, don't deny it, but somehow, it feels...strange to talk about it on here. I mean, I'll mention the occasional thing but doing it to the extent I do on other places...I just can't. And like...there are so many fucking fannish things I could talk about. The Hunger Games trailer, the current arc in Homestuck, all the manga I follow, THE HUNGER GAMES TRAILER, being too obsessed with hot fictional man tits - the list goes on.
But I can't do it the way I did when I was a teenie and bang my head over Bleach chapters and new L'Arc singles and make dumb marquees. My reactions have become more understated. I was talking about it on Plurk but I think I'm started to outgrow fandom just a bit. I've increasingly lost interest in most aspects of it over the years, which is a bit sad. I don't think I have to outgrow it, it's just...a thing that happened and I didn't realize it until now. But it's only inevitable - I'm not the same person I was when I was younger, after all. Although it's sad...I'm starting to become okay with it. Or at least making myself okay with it. Meh.
Goddamn, I have vomited my feelings all over this fucking thing tonight. Shit. I should probably stop now.