Nothing!? Nothing?! Tra la la!
Everything's color is being bled from my vision. Things have gone from being tainted to ugly. I use my precious as light. I keep marching forward simply because I can't let that light go. My hatred allows me no reason, no other focus.
I have another one of those things in my wrist. I know I'm supposed to go back, but I haven't yet. I use a bracelet I have to hide it. I was sick, It makes me wonder if it was connected somehow, only because I don't know anyone who's been sick recently, but then again I could of picked it up in town or off of one of these keyboards.
I've been looking like crazy for another job, I found one that's part time helping people in a job center iorny of iornies. It could get me buy until I get the one at the county. The post for Tehama county is up again I don't think I'll apply after what they did to me. Sucks for them I'm a damn good worker.
My friend's car broke down and he called me for a ride, he failed to mention he had to get towed. He was stuck at work cause the other person was late, so I sat there in my car for awhile. When I took him to the school he said I could go if I wanted. It was really late and dark so I felt pretty bad leaving him there. I was beat and I haden't eaten all day, but my sense of duty wouldn't let me ditch him even though I was still slightly perturbed. He said that he doesn't hold a grudge, when he kicked his truck and I said "what only one time?" I hold grudge, like mad. My policy is to forgive but never forget. One of the people I used to work with drove in, he was one of my favorite people. I really didn't want to say hi, I doughted he'd recoginze me and he didn't. It was then that I realized that I'm ashamed of my body. Not that I'm fat, I'm just not that thin hard looking girl anymore. I took him home that morning I gave him a ride back to his truck and he bought me breakfast for my effort wich was nice. He offered a movie last night but I was tierd from being sick and already in my pammas way to last minute.
Sam is history I told him a few months back not to call me anymore. I just felt like he thought eventually I'd change my mind, and that's all he was sticking around for. Though I dought I'll ever get that picture of his beautiful naked body and free spirited eyes out of my mind. It was selfish of me to keep him. Though my vow is up in December. That's only a few months away. I don't think I'll go another. The problem with it has been that I ended up thinking more about men and sex than I did when I was acctually doing it, but I did prove to myself that could do it. That it's not like I have to have it. It doesn't own me like it does so many.
My precious and I have been going to the river trail and watching the sun set on the water. She talks like there's no tomorow and I smile and nod, insert agreement were it's need. It's funny that I become the quiet one and she the talker when we are together, I suppose it's enough for me just to be able to hold her little hand in mine, she accuses me often of reading her mind, I laugh and say that I am, without fail she'll demand "tell me what I'm thinking of then" I say you're thinking that you love me. She giggles and says it's not fair she always thinks that. These moments are my light, it's not really so hard to understand. I'm going to miss this when she is grown.
I have another one of those things in my wrist. I know I'm supposed to go back, but I haven't yet. I use a bracelet I have to hide it. I was sick, It makes me wonder if it was connected somehow, only because I don't know anyone who's been sick recently, but then again I could of picked it up in town or off of one of these keyboards.
I've been looking like crazy for another job, I found one that's part time helping people in a job center iorny of iornies. It could get me buy until I get the one at the county. The post for Tehama county is up again I don't think I'll apply after what they did to me. Sucks for them I'm a damn good worker.
My friend's car broke down and he called me for a ride, he failed to mention he had to get towed. He was stuck at work cause the other person was late, so I sat there in my car for awhile. When I took him to the school he said I could go if I wanted. It was really late and dark so I felt pretty bad leaving him there. I was beat and I haden't eaten all day, but my sense of duty wouldn't let me ditch him even though I was still slightly perturbed. He said that he doesn't hold a grudge, when he kicked his truck and I said "what only one time?" I hold grudge, like mad. My policy is to forgive but never forget. One of the people I used to work with drove in, he was one of my favorite people. I really didn't want to say hi, I doughted he'd recoginze me and he didn't. It was then that I realized that I'm ashamed of my body. Not that I'm fat, I'm just not that thin hard looking girl anymore. I took him home that morning I gave him a ride back to his truck and he bought me breakfast for my effort wich was nice. He offered a movie last night but I was tierd from being sick and already in my pammas way to last minute.
Sam is history I told him a few months back not to call me anymore. I just felt like he thought eventually I'd change my mind, and that's all he was sticking around for. Though I dought I'll ever get that picture of his beautiful naked body and free spirited eyes out of my mind. It was selfish of me to keep him. Though my vow is up in December. That's only a few months away. I don't think I'll go another. The problem with it has been that I ended up thinking more about men and sex than I did when I was acctually doing it, but I did prove to myself that could do it. That it's not like I have to have it. It doesn't own me like it does so many.
My precious and I have been going to the river trail and watching the sun set on the water. She talks like there's no tomorow and I smile and nod, insert agreement were it's need. It's funny that I become the quiet one and she the talker when we are together, I suppose it's enough for me just to be able to hold her little hand in mine, she accuses me often of reading her mind, I laugh and say that I am, without fail she'll demand "tell me what I'm thinking of then" I say you're thinking that you love me. She giggles and says it's not fair she always thinks that. These moments are my light, it's not really so hard to understand. I'm going to miss this when she is grown.