Hopeful hopelessness and another of those horrible tests
Here I am...again...I have a lot to say but I don't really feel like dredging it up. On the news today I caught a glimpse of a story. Two young girls went on a bike ride and never came back. They were found stabbed to death. It was enough to move even my stone cold heart. This is why I hate. This is why I choose to never give the world anything of value. It's always the same, just fancier words pasted on it. When I look ahead at the pattern I see no hope no change. People talk of things but all they ever do is talk. (sigh,smile) I've tried to let this go but it's become the basis of who I am. Me I'll do what I can even if it's only a little. Give me a few years i'll be doing even more, but it will be for myself, to know that I tried even knowing in the end it changes nothing.
I had a dream last night my aunt was throuing a party. Her door was very small like a window. I had to crawl through it. She left her baby on the floor and she crawled around destroying everything. My uncle commented on how I was losing weight. I can't remember much more except there was a ton of alcohol, and my aunt got raging drunk.(she never does)
Sam hasn't called yet, I can see him waiting until he's here. I don't want to see him, I don't want to see anyone I just want to hide. Poor man. I'm so awfull. It's just that feeling has returned. The one that washes over me like a wave in the oddest places. When it happens it takes all the will I have not to fall to my knees and start wailing. The only sign I get that it's coming is I get chills the air feels a little colder. Maybe something chemically wrong with me very likely considering my background.
I guess I could go into that a little. I don't really like to though I feel it makes me look weak. It's not how I'd ever want people to think of me either. Well here goes. My mother was a little over concerned with her weight while she was pregnant with me to top it all off we have a defect in our family due to radiation....I was born two months eairly weighting in a barely 4 pnds. A decent weight for one so early. Problem is the vaulves in my heart never fully closed (responsible for the murmer, and tierdness I try to hide)Thats not really that much of problem for me, I do get really hagard looking when it's bothering me though.....Ok now the rest...they told my mother that I would die and sent me home with her. She told me every time I'd stop breathing she'd hit my feet and I'd wake again. At least she was dilligent then, the guilt I guess. Well I survived except I kept getting high fevers to the point were I would hallucinate and be delusional. At the age of two I had an emergency operation were they went in and rewired a few things(laugh). I did Ok for a while, then the fevers came back...well several operations later they finally checked family history and figured out combined with my other problems this defect was what was doing this to me. One last operation I remember telling my mother just to let me die. I was 7.....Now I'm for the most part fine, I like to think I've willed myself strong and healthy just because I didn't want another operation.haha.My mother had told me that the reason she was so distant was because I was so sick. The whole experiance has marked me though, I'm terrified of being weak, and I tend to keep pushing myself even when I shouldn't. I know it's irrational but it's ingrained.
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?
I had a dream last night my aunt was throuing a party. Her door was very small like a window. I had to crawl through it. She left her baby on the floor and she crawled around destroying everything. My uncle commented on how I was losing weight. I can't remember much more except there was a ton of alcohol, and my aunt got raging drunk.(she never does)
Sam hasn't called yet, I can see him waiting until he's here. I don't want to see him, I don't want to see anyone I just want to hide. Poor man. I'm so awfull. It's just that feeling has returned. The one that washes over me like a wave in the oddest places. When it happens it takes all the will I have not to fall to my knees and start wailing. The only sign I get that it's coming is I get chills the air feels a little colder. Maybe something chemically wrong with me very likely considering my background.
I guess I could go into that a little. I don't really like to though I feel it makes me look weak. It's not how I'd ever want people to think of me either. Well here goes. My mother was a little over concerned with her weight while she was pregnant with me to top it all off we have a defect in our family due to radiation....I was born two months eairly weighting in a barely 4 pnds. A decent weight for one so early. Problem is the vaulves in my heart never fully closed (responsible for the murmer, and tierdness I try to hide)Thats not really that much of problem for me, I do get really hagard looking when it's bothering me though.....Ok now the rest...they told my mother that I would die and sent me home with her. She told me every time I'd stop breathing she'd hit my feet and I'd wake again. At least she was dilligent then, the guilt I guess. Well I survived except I kept getting high fevers to the point were I would hallucinate and be delusional. At the age of two I had an emergency operation were they went in and rewired a few things(laugh). I did Ok for a while, then the fevers came back...well several operations later they finally checked family history and figured out combined with my other problems this defect was what was doing this to me. One last operation I remember telling my mother just to let me die. I was 7.....Now I'm for the most part fine, I like to think I've willed myself strong and healthy just because I didn't want another operation.haha.My mother had told me that the reason she was so distant was because I was so sick. The whole experiance has marked me though, I'm terrified of being weak, and I tend to keep pushing myself even when I shouldn't. I know it's irrational but it's ingrained.
The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?