I hate my (work) phone
It was a dark and stormy night.
The middle bottom of Low-down Town had never seemed so sleazy. So greasy. Or maybe that was just the cheeseburger in Mac’s hand. Mac had a thing for cheeseburgers. He had a thing for dames too. But the cheeseburgers treated him better. Sometimes a guy’s just gotta eat out.
Whoever heard of a cheeseburger with legs? Wait, slow down Mac thought, I’m getting confused again. He was getting confused a lot these days. It wasn’t a cheeseburger at all. Well, the one in his hands was. But the legs. They belonged to a classy brunette walking his way.
“You Mac?” asked the Brunette.
“Yo. Yup.”, said Mac in his best tough. “How’d you hear ‘o me. What you doin’ here,” was his reply. Just let her get a load of that wit.
“My friend Darcy. Heard you fixed her up with a phone had more features.”
“What’s it to you?” he shot back.
“She went on vacation. I had to take her spot at the Ad Agency, sat at her desk and all. Working on those accounts. Well, some guys come in and beat up Brenden. He’s that queer fella eats the banana runts out of the bowl at the reception desk. I don’t know why they came in and I don’t care. I tried to make a page, and didn’t know how to work her hip new phone and couldn’t call help from the boys in the back. They were playing poker over lunch and never heard a thing. I don’t want that to happen to me.”
“So sit at your desk,” Mac replied. His cheeseburger was getting cold and this dame was awful easy on the eyes. But she talked to damn much.
“She’s not coming back till next week. And somebody’s gotta keep those accounts balanced.”
“Tell you what I’ll do,” said Mac. And he outlined how he’d teach her how to use the phone. Seeing as how it’s after hours and they’d be at the office alone…”We could get started right away. Soon’s I’m finished with this burger. I’ll even give you the bereavement discount.”
“You wouldn’t think it’d be this difficult to make a page,” she said. “And me, not even a blonde!”
“Yeah well, wait till I show you all the OTHER stuff that phone can do.”
“Did I mention I don’t eat Chinese because I’m allergic to MSG?”
“What the hell’s THAT got to do with it,” Mac cried spluttering on his cheeseburger. And a little part of the shake too. Mac really needed a stiffer chaser about now. When would this chick start making sense?
“Well, the phone beeps, but I just can’t pick it up. Ever since I went to lunch today it’s said ‘MSG’ right on the face-plate. And like I told ‘ya mister, I’m dearly allergic to the stuff. I can’t even touch that phone now for fear that I’ll get this milky complexion all broke out in hives.”
Mac hurriedly finished his cheeseburger. Even down at the end of the middle bottom of Low-down Town you didn’t get many like this one. He could tell this was going to take all night.
--Hope I didn’t lose you in the window dressing there!--
The middle bottom of Low-down Town had never seemed so sleazy. So greasy. Or maybe that was just the cheeseburger in Mac’s hand. Mac had a thing for cheeseburgers. He had a thing for dames too. But the cheeseburgers treated him better. Sometimes a guy’s just gotta eat out.
Whoever heard of a cheeseburger with legs? Wait, slow down Mac thought, I’m getting confused again. He was getting confused a lot these days. It wasn’t a cheeseburger at all. Well, the one in his hands was. But the legs. They belonged to a classy brunette walking his way.
“You Mac?” asked the Brunette.
“Yo. Yup.”, said Mac in his best tough. “How’d you hear ‘o me. What you doin’ here,” was his reply. Just let her get a load of that wit.
“My friend Darcy. Heard you fixed her up with a phone had more features.”
“What’s it to you?” he shot back.
“She went on vacation. I had to take her spot at the Ad Agency, sat at her desk and all. Working on those accounts. Well, some guys come in and beat up Brenden. He’s that queer fella eats the banana runts out of the bowl at the reception desk. I don’t know why they came in and I don’t care. I tried to make a page, and didn’t know how to work her hip new phone and couldn’t call help from the boys in the back. They were playing poker over lunch and never heard a thing. I don’t want that to happen to me.”
“So sit at your desk,” Mac replied. His cheeseburger was getting cold and this dame was awful easy on the eyes. But she talked to damn much.
“She’s not coming back till next week. And somebody’s gotta keep those accounts balanced.”
“Tell you what I’ll do,” said Mac. And he outlined how he’d teach her how to use the phone. Seeing as how it’s after hours and they’d be at the office alone…”We could get started right away. Soon’s I’m finished with this burger. I’ll even give you the bereavement discount.”
“You wouldn’t think it’d be this difficult to make a page,” she said. “And me, not even a blonde!”
“Yeah well, wait till I show you all the OTHER stuff that phone can do.”
“Did I mention I don’t eat Chinese because I’m allergic to MSG?”
“What the hell’s THAT got to do with it,” Mac cried spluttering on his cheeseburger. And a little part of the shake too. Mac really needed a stiffer chaser about now. When would this chick start making sense?
“Well, the phone beeps, but I just can’t pick it up. Ever since I went to lunch today it’s said ‘MSG’ right on the face-plate. And like I told ‘ya mister, I’m dearly allergic to the stuff. I can’t even touch that phone now for fear that I’ll get this milky complexion all broke out in hives.”
Mac hurriedly finished his cheeseburger. Even down at the end of the middle bottom of Low-down Town you didn’t get many like this one. He could tell this was going to take all night.
--Hope I didn’t lose you in the window dressing there!--