there are six billion people in the world, but i only need (love) you ♥

Jul 04, 2010 02:11

I don't know what drugs I was on when I was writing this.

For kigae  (he tries to deny that he's the one who created horing!beast) , room137  (my seobie ♥), parodying  (even though I know you're going to hate me after this. but i miss you so much and you're back now ♥), dongwun  (stan of doojoon's v-neck line).

Also for crappy_love /@_junhyung and lotsoflov_e /@_kikwang - my beast otp discussing buddies on twitter together with dongwun , they're so adorable idek lol

And of course, this is for my sweet, gorgeous boy. I love him so much that I can't (wouldn't) stop. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♥ (and yes, this is proof of my tendency to whore doojoon around, sadly. :( i can't help it if he's so loving and everybody loves him)

can't fight this feeling. pg-13
all the beast members
doojoon/everyone, ninja!kiseung
cheesy lines fluff with a little bit of angst, 2602 words
it's not hard to love yoon doojoon



can't fight this feeling

it’s not hard to love yoon doojoon. a glance, a smile, a word, a smirk or a touch from him and that’s probably enough to send one’s heart crumbling into a pathetic mess at his feet.

some just love him more than they should.

You’re patient with me
when my mind runs away and
all focus is lost.
kikwang isn’t stupid, contrary to what most people say. when his classmates and fellow trainees snigger and make fun of him, he knows what is going on in their minds but he doesn’t mind (most of the time). he smiles and flashes his pearly-whites, laughs his winsome laugh and forgets all about it because his heart is too small to store all the things he doesn’t want to remember.

the first time doojoon stood up for him (kikwang isn’t dumb. if he is, at least he doesn’t waste his brain cells on bitching and gossiping, unlike some people here.), he was dumbfounded because nobody had ever done this for him. when he tried to say thanks (shyly and mumbling), doojoon just waved it off.

the second time doojoon stood up for him, kikwang was shocked to see one of the more big-mouthed trainee walked out of the cafeteria with a huge black-eye. doojoon just shrugged and explained that the trainee was talking way too loudly and was getting on his nerves. before he turned to walk away, he said gently and hesitantly “… stop being too nice, I can’t be there to stand up for you every time.”

(kikwang learned to say no, learned to say “I’m not okay, I’m very upset right now” and learned to stand up for himself. people soon learned to take him seriously, learned to apologize to him and learned to respect him.)

as fate would have it, doojoon became his leader and he was more than happy and relieved. he’s no longer alone and he has a big brother now. a big brother who constantly looked out for him (there must be a reason why doojoon keeps walking past the studio where “hot brothers” filming is usually held), protected him and kept giving him opportunities to shine.

he found it endearing when doojoon tried to broach a certain topic and just went round and round around it until finally he couldn’t take doojoon’s rambling and exposed his leader.

“you just want to ask whether I get bullied during “hot brothers” filming, right? don’t give me that look. as you said, I’m not dumb. …I’m fine, all the hyungs are nice to me and they don’t bully me. everything you see is just for show, you should know that. now run along to junhyung and stop rambling about things I have no interest in.”

(he laughed when doojoon walked away with a pout and complained about not having the chance to do his “leader-duties” properly.)

when kikwang and hyunseung stood in the living room, breathing hard and tears evident in their eyes and on their cheeks after a huge fight, doojoon took them apart and talked to them separately. (he also smacked them in the head for being dumb enough to not notice how stupidly and deeply they were in love with each other; the first and last time kikwang heard doojoon calling him stupid)

doojoon may not be perfect as a leader or as a singer but at least, he protects and loves the people close to him; that is a true perfect man.

(this was what kikwang said to the man at the bar who had the audacity to talk shit about his leader, right in front of him.)

When I fall apart
you can hold me together.
You are glue to me.
another tub of ice-cream finished. hyunseung sighs and doesn’t want to imagine the frown on jiyong hyung’s face when the manager does know about this. he leans against the cold, rough wall of the balcony and wishes that it can bury him alive so that he doesn’t have to deal with the (crushing) disappointments and expectations that people have of him.

the night breeze brushes against him and he wishes that all the disappointments and expectations can be taken away by the wind, including (especially) his own because he isn’t sure how long he can carry them on his shoulders without falling apart.

“hyunseung?”

why is it that no matter how hard he tries to hide or run away, doojoon will always be able to find him? it’s really not fair and he should be complaining or protesting about it but he finds himself giggling slightly when the leader plopped down next to him with a pout.

“how nice of you to finish everything when you know that caramel chocolate is my favourite.”

“…I’m sorry.” the apology wasn’t just about the ice-cream; it was about how he weakened himself to the all-too-familiar feeling of rejection and how he surrendered to the same wounds of memories, over and over again. no matter how much time pass or how the group seems to climb in popularity and success with every performance, the chains will always be there, haunting and holding him back.

the leader knows all this. he understands because he has been through the same thing and he feels the same pain when he is reminded how he could have been in 2pm. he is genuinely happy with junhyung, hyunseung, dongwoon, kikwang and yoseob and he knows he would never exchange them for anything in the world. but it still doesn’t stop the “what ifs” that linger within him.

(what if I was still with junho and taecyeon and junsu hyung?)

he doesn’t expect himself to forget easily and so he doesn’t expect hyunseung to do the same thing. to simply hold, understand, comfort and reassure are the only things he can offer to his friend.

but all these are already enough for hyunseung because he’s grateful to know that there is another person who supports and sees him through such moments, another person to hold on to when it gets a little too dark. besides, nobody can ever resist smiling after getting a hug from doojoon; it’s a known fact that he gives one of the best and warmest hugs ever.

(even if hyunseung feels kikwang’s hugs are better, but he might just be biased.)

as doojoon fetches another tub of ice-cream from the freezer and they both look forward to another round of ice-cream supper, hyunseung smiles and feels certain that his love for the other is something he will never let go.

Come to me tonight
close my eyes to every fear.
Wash away the dark.
dongwoon can’t help the grin that always always always creeps up his red luscious lips whenever his leader is around; it’s just a natural reaction that he can never control. it’s not like he doesn’t know that he has a (hopeless) crush on doojoon but sometimes it confuses (and scares) him: does this mean he’s gay or bisexual or just…maybe doojoon-gay?

but most of the time he finds himself not caring too much about his sexual orientation, especially when doojoon turns to him with a smile that has the ability to undo his heart in a second.

he remembers the first time he saw that smile. outside the practice room when he was scared, hesitant and almost convinced that his members are going to hate him at first sight, the other suddenly popped up with a friendly “hi, you must be dongwoon. i’m doojoon, your hyung”. immediately, he felt his worries, fears and doubts getting beamed down by that sunny smile and he had an inkling that he will be most willing to follow this stranger and his crinkly eye-smiles forever.

(he also remembers gaping blankly at the other and he must have been a stupid sight to look at, judging from the way doojoon waited for any sort of response with a bemused smile.)

till today, he still finds himself gaping at doojoon, for absolutely no reason at all. and doojoon just laughs, ruffles his hair and walks away (leaving him breathless, heart racing like bumper cars rushing to their crashing doom).

everybody knows dongwoon’s crush on his hyung. they know that the only thing that can calm his nerves just before a performance is doojoon’s smile. it’s an open secret nobody bothers to keep because not a day goes by without doojoon teasing dongwoon and causing the younger to blush shyly with his heart fluttering like flimsy paper aeroplanes.

(kikwang smiles at this and holds hyunseung’s hand who smirks and casts a knowing look at their magnae. junhyung gets slightly jealous and yoseob feels his heart breaking a little.)

it’s an unfair transaction, dongwoon knows this; his heart for the stupid butterflies in his stomach. but he rather takes colourful butterflies and sunny smiles than lonely grey sky mornings.

How long can hearts ache
how far can they overflow
before those hearts break?
yoseob pretends.

on stage, he puts on a smile and pretends he’s happy when all he wants to do is scream, sob and breakdown because he’s so freaking tired of all this. at home, he says that he is contended with what he has when all he’s feeling is a sense of emptiness that can never be filled, not when he is constantly reminded of what he does not have.

(or who he doesn’t have)

when doojoon smiles in his sleep, yoseob pretends to not know that the other is probably dreaming of someone else (he just stares lovingly at the beautiful man and sometimes, he foolishly tries to synchronise his breathing to doojoon’s). he pretends that he doesn’t see the disappointment that ghosts doojoon’s face when it’s just him, and not that special somebody (he just smiles and tries to cheer the leader up, as best as he can).

he pretends it doesn’t fucking hurt when he knows that he’s not the one that doojoon loves.

but there are times he doesn’t (need to) put up a façade. when doojoon makes him laugh with some lame imitation or gag, he laughs with unadulterated joy and happiness. when he tells doojoon the special three words, he says it with all his heart.

(even if he pretends to laugh along when doojoon smiles the confession away with a “I love you too” and ruffles his hair like what one would do to a little brother.)

in this game of pretence, yoseob finds himself lying more and more. he knows that every time he lies, he loses a little of his heart to doojoon (like a chess pawn, easily discarded).

maybe there will come a day when his mask (and his heart) breaks into a million pieces, unable to piece back. or maybe one day he might be able to convince himself that he doesn’t love doojoon anymore.

but for now, he (is quite willing to) cling to this façade that he desperately creates.

(doojoon pretends too. he pretends that he doesn’t know what yoseob is feeling, pretends that he doesn’t see the way the younger one looks at him, pretends he doesn’t understand what the other means when the three words tumbled out.

for all that is happening, he plays along too, just for the sake of keeping the way things are and keeping himself from breaking yoseob’s heart, completely and heartlessly.

there’s just one thing he can’t do: he can’t pretend that he loves yoseob.)

Your hands and my hands
have a peculiar way of
fitting together.
it’s not hard to fall in love with yoon doojoon. junhyung knows this very well.

doojoon may not be the best leader and he may stumble over his words but his gentleness are enough to make up for the lack of leadership skills. he may not be the best singer, dancer or rapper but he tries his best and puts in everything he has to make sure that he doesn’t pull the group down.

what started out as admiration and respect for the older one quickly blossomed into something that junhyung couldn’t handle and stop. for someone who has been cool and collected all his life, it really offends his ego that he is anxious, breathless and restless…all because of one person.

(he’s pretty sure that the same butterflies in dongwoon’s stomach whenever doojoon is near them, are in his too. except they don’t just flutter around; they rush around, crashing into the walls of his stomach and making a mess of his insides. if that doesn’t suck, he doesn’t know what else does.

still, nothing beats the tiny constriction in his heart whenever he spots doojoon flirting with the soshi girls or t-ara girls; a constriction that he knows yoseob feels too.)

he doesn’t know why he notices all this: the way kikwang looks up to their leader, the quick thumping of dongwoon’s heart whenever their hyung is around, the secrets that hyunseung will tell no other except doojoon, the façade that yoseob builds in front of doojoon.

(he’s just not willing to admit to himself that he does all of this, unconscious or not.)

he knows what yoon doojoon means to his members and he doesn’t want to take it all away from them. so he runs away, storing his (small) heart in a wishing bottle and vowing never to take it out again. he ignores the glances that doojoon throws in his way, the hand pressed into his back (and the ache in his heart when he turns and walks away).

running away doesn’t solve the problem, doojoon tells him one night.

he stops but doesn’t turn around (because he doesn’t know what he will do when faced with the other’s intense brown eyes). and then quite suddenly, he is melting into the embrace that he has been dreaming, wishing, hoping for ever since he fell in love with this damn leader of his (who is smart, gorgeous, loving and everything he is not.)

“I don’t need you to do anything. I just need you to love me; love me as who I am. not a leader of some group , and definitely not your fellow band member but someone who desperately needs you to calm me down when I’m upset, someone who stays up all night, wondering why you seem to hate me, someone who is so affected by anything and everything you do. and I know you do love me. … so please, don’t push me away. not when I’m holding my heart in my hand, risking everything just to say I love you.”

he can’t say no. any half-hearted protest he spurted (at the moment) stopped when the three words were breathed out and when their lips met in a chaste kiss (that was slow, lingering, sweet and perfect)

he doesn’t want to say no. not when their hands are clasped together and he realized how perfectly they fit together.

he doesn’t need to say no. because kikwang and hyunseung cheer loudly and discuss excitedly about future double dates, dongwoon grins and claps him in the back for being the one to snag the beast. yoseob just smiles (with a little tinge of sadness distinct in his eyes) and squeezes his hand in reassurance.

doojoon laughs beside him, eyes crinkling into mini crescent moons that he loves so much. their fingers intertwine together and junhyung is quite sure he has forever written in his hand and in his heart (printed nicely in doojoon’s handwriting, yes indeed).

he wouldn’t have it any other way.

(it’s not hard to fall in love with yong junhyung; doojoon knows this very well.)

A/N: Every haiku that I used to begin each section were taken from tylerknott and can be found at quote-book@tumblr

Comments pretty please? ♥

m&ms: dooseung, m&ms: dookwang, balloons: beast, m&ms: 2jun, m&ms: kiseung, rainbows: one-shot, m&ms: doowoon, m&ms: dooseob

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