Chapter 23. ICU psychosis |C|

[yunjae_mochichi]

Title: A truth without love
Pairings: YunJae
Length: 23c/32
Overall Rating: PG-13, NC-17 later on
Disclaimer: Nope
Genre: AU, Romance, Fluff, Angst,
Summary: True love will never fade unless it was all a lie. What happens when there’s no love in telling the truth? This is a story about two men who should have been together since the start or should have never met. Two different kinds of love and two different kinds of lives.... They met halfway and committed a crime that damned their lives.

“Since you don’t have any recollections of what happened and we can’t spot the trigger with certainty, those tests we ran were necessary. Did you have a hard time?"

He shook his head at the old man, feeling lucky to have him as his physician. He was patient, should be retired, yet there he was, working hard for him and other patients. Jaejoong told himself not to dwell on how many digits there were in the man’s paycheck every month, but believe he was a real doctor with true vocation.

He told him, it had been fine. A white lie and the doctor replied to him that he was kind. Jaejoong was, truthfully; both knew how much torture he endured. Stitches on his chest that undid themselves at night and the ugly scars that were left behind. They feared for his mental stability, they never said, but questions about suicide were thrown at him every time carefully and not. Jaejoong never confessed the reason to why he did what he did, not to the specialists neither to his friends or family. He had rather lie and make them believe he wasn’t aware of what had occurred, that there was a blank in his memory than explaining it had been because of the man he loved and left him.

However, that night he did not try to kill myself. He wanted to get to Yunho, he was desperate for Yunho to look up and see him, come running to his arms and see that he was all right and ready to go home with him. He didn’t feel the cuts from the glass or realized that was climbing out from a window 50 meters above the ground.

“… Good news is we were able to discard the possibilities of an infection or any cyst in the main brain. It’s unnecessary to keep you under observation. Looks like you’ll be finally going home, Jaejoong”

The doctor’s smile was encouraging, promising him that everything was going to be good from now on. That was the beginning of his realization that in fact nothing was ever going to be good from this point on.

Where is home? He wondered.

One upon a time there was a Prince and there was a Knight. The Prince was very tall and handsome with a small face and squinty eyes. The Knight had soft, dark hair and a shy smile. The Prince and the Knight were very kind and brave men and led a happy life. One day that the Prince wandered far away from his Kingdom, he found the Knight terribly wounded in the forest. The Prince took the Knight to a nearby hut and attended him for long days and nights until the young warrior healed. He embraced him in his arms to give him warmth. Love was born from the Knight towards the Prince and the Prince swore to love the Knight and stay by his side for eternity. However, the Prince’s destiny was sealed by his responsibilities with the Kingdom. The King ordered his son to marry the Princess and bear children to take the Crown. The Knight and the Prince wanted a simple and happy life together, so they planned to run away. But the King discovered their plans and Destiny’s will played its part because the Knight fell terribly ill on a bed for a long, long time. The Prince was forced to return to the castle. There he met the Princess who was very beautiful and gentle and he accepted to marry her. When the Knight recovered from his sickness and looked for the Prince, he saw he was favorably wedded to the Princess who cherished him like gold and the Kingdom was now peaceful and wealthy. There was no longer a place for the Knight by the side of the Prince. He left on a quest to find happiness for himself with the memory of the Prince and the love they shared for it was worthy and wonderful as there would be no other. The Prince who saved his life, he will keep him safe in his heart because somewhere in the Prince’s heart there will always be the Knight.

“The End. Did you like the story?”

He reached for the tiny palms of the boys and girls sitting around him. They had giant smiles on their tiny faces, so very beautiful missing one or two teeth in the front. Seeing their eyes light up and hearing their laughter, from deep inside, Jaejoong remembered what happiness used to be like. He lost his long time ago and hope seemed to be hiding with it, but children always had so much of both.

He smiled as they were doing. Their excitement was contagious and his heart was still beating. He, like these children, who dwelt between death and sickness, was still alive. He felt a twitch of repulsion for himself. Less than a meter tall and no hair on their little heads, they had so little left in this world and yet, he wished very deeply to steal their innocence. If he could have that spark in his eyes once more…

He felt a feathery weight land softly on his lap, it was littlest boy in the bunch who wobbled towards him with open arms. Jaejoong pointed above his head, nodding.

Did you understand?

The little boy shook his head.

No.

Umma spoke too fast? Jaejoong hugged him. That was his apology. The citric taste of the sanitizers was subtle to his nostrils and he was able to smell the fragrance of the child, baby powder. That was his favorite fragrance. What a weird man. Did Yunho imagine diapers and baby cries or a tin of talcum? Did he see himself holding his baby and squeezing it closer to his frame, just like he was doing with the boy?

He always wished to become a father. He wanted it more than being successful, much more and even more than his own father’s appreciation.

Jaejoong wanted it to. He wanted Yunho to become a father because there would be no child as loved. And he wished to be a father with Yunho.

He embraced the boy’s little frame tighter, feeling the wounds swell and throb as he was reminded of his lost. He would have been a good mother too. He had it in him, to be a mom. Despite being born male.

The boy couldn’t hear him, he was deaf, but he must have felt Jaejoong’s sadness because he rested his little head on his shoulder and stayed in his arms.

Jaejoong was hollow, as hollow as an empty shell. He no longer had a place among adults. He refused to take the hypocrisy that it meant to be responsible for being alive when there was nothing he wished to live for. Pills kept him lingering among the living while his mind and body seemed to age by day, but he couldn’t quit, nor heartache or life. He didn’t wish for any of them anymore, yet there he was, embracing both. And there he would stay because he couldn’t do differently.

The boys asked him about the Knight. They wanted to know what the Knight would do next. They liked his sick, little tale that was Jaejoong’s life and ruin.

“Where do you think the Knight should go?”

They shouted fantastic tasks he could never achieve. Ferocious dragons and three headed monsters he’d be so glad to meet and upfront in their name. If only they knew, their Knight did battle every day, distorted, gruesome demons that lived inside his head and he could not defeat.

“I’ll ask the Knight how did he survive to those horrific creatures and I’ll tell you all about his adventures”

They frowned at him before they began to poke him and tickle him, believing he was looney because how could he possibly know the bravesome Knight.

“Children are bullying me” He complained and the kids laughed, but didn’t stop. He laughed with them. “The Knight is my friend” Jaejoong repeated. “I will tell him to come one day so you can meet him. But be nice to me”

“There you are. I knew you’d be here” The nurse’s voice broke away the tiny hooligans who left the young man alone at last. “Doctor is asking for you, Jaejoong-ssi. Everything is set for your discharge”

He got up from the floor. “I’ll be back, cottontails. Umma promises”

Being in the hospital, he had changed his mind about the cold facility. He wanted to stay. He could sleepwalk the days away until he was finally old and senile with no memories of the past. His children would be there with him. He promised he’d be a better mother to them that Jihyun would ever be to any of Yunho’s children. How could he leave them now?

“I can’t. I can’t” Jaejoong spat to the old man, swiftly getting up the chair. Uneasiness casted upon his fragile figure like a cloud above his head he could not escape. The room quickly began to spin, but his eyes focused on his doctor as the man called his name with a frown adding to his wrinkles. The man’s expression frightened him and he screamed, then he began to cry. He couldn’t stop because he did try. His last memory that day was the one of two broad-shouldered men in white, a nurse and a syringe.

“Hyung” It was Changmin’s voice. He called him softly and Jaejoong woke up. It was early despite the gray sky, he could tell by the birds he was hearing. Not the chirping birds from 4 to 5 am, but the chirping birds of 8 o'clock.

Jaejoong worried that his face showed the anger and fear that were currently traveling through his blood flow, and he tried to smile and mumble a weak thank you to the three men in front of him who were helping him pack his belongings and out of the hospital. His lips trembled as familiar faces waved goodbye and said congratulations to him.

“Everything will turn out great. You trust us Hyung?”

“I do. Of course I do” He sounded so confident at the moment. His only confidence relayed on how he became good at lying, especially to them. There’s a wall between them. They didn’t see it, couldn’t feel it. But there it was. He built it. There’s a horrible him, he didn’t want them to meet.

In the car ride, they wouldn’t shut up. Junsu told him about these great plans they had and places they were going to visit because they were going on a vacation very soon. Yoochun kept saying something about a new start and Changmin nodded and agreed to every word. He’d have loved to be as excited as his friends were about leaving the hospital, but he wasn’t. It took him long to accept and realize he could not spend the rest of his life there.

Slowly his friend’s voices quietened down and he stopped listening to them and heard his own voice. His cursed words than once prayed for his misfortune.

It doesn’t matter if I'm not in his future, if he doesn’t choose me, just… I want him to be happy. I want him to do as he wishes with his life. Don’t let him have regrets and don't let him get hurt. He deserves to be loved. With an unselfish heart. Love that is unconditioned, without judgments. Yunho deserves that love.

How arrogant had he been back then to believe he was Yunho’s destiny. At the end, he was not meant for him and there was a woman. At the end, Yunho chose her and left him.

“Hyung… are you crying?”

He was let out to find his legs one last time. But he wasn’t fearless and eager like a baby would be, trying to walk on his own and explore the vast world outside the window. Jaejoong didn’t leave the house. At all. He didn’t touch anything inside either. He went around looking for his clothes, his cologne, like a dog after a trace. There were none.

Did he really live here?

He cried and lay down in their bed, covered from head to toe with sheets he wished smelled of sex. They carried the scent of being old and left abandoned just like himself. He couldn’t sleep. Indeed Yunho lived there with him because Jaejoong had memories replaying endlessly inside his head. The happiest years of his life. Did he ever tell Yunho that? That being loved by him gave him happiness he didn’t experience before and there would be no going back to that happiness without him.

He didn’t blame her. For coming their way and snatching the love that once belonged to him. She had to be blind and bleak and stupid if she didn’t like Yunho and didn’t try to steal him away.

Abruptly and with a rage that rocked his body from the core of his chest, Jaejoong smashed his fist against the wooden wall. He was possessed by bitterness. His stomach turned at the thought of Jihyun kissing Yunho, sucking on his body like a leech, touching him like she owned him.

He screamed until his throat felt heavy and his voice was hoarse. The pain would remain, trapped inside the heart that was eating and until there wasn’t a heart, there wouldn’t be pain. Jaejoong did blame her and he hated her, deeply. His fury was such, he didn’t recognize his reflection anymore. As if his insides were out and displayed in his face and eyes. He was no longer beautiful like Yunho used to call him. He wished he could hear his compliments once more, but this time they would be lies.

It was around noon when Jaejoong fell asleep at last. Doctor didn’t allow him to take hypnotics. Therefore he had insomnia most nights and no appetite every day, went through his day with eyes wide open and queasiness, looking like a raisin.

“The Knight is a very learned man about pain. He says that among all forms of pain, physical pain is nicer that the rest, because it goes away eventually and that is much, much faster than never. But it’s not acute and sharp pain like being pinched, it’s heavy and makes him exhausted, like carrying big rocks tied to his head and limps. So he can’t do much of his duties like to save the village from thieves and dragons”

“Jaejoong-ssi” The nurse cleared her throat. “I think it’d be better if you just read the kids the book.” Her frown was one of obvious mistrust, but Jaejoong had no interest or strength even to feel offended. His children loved him either way because he was better than her. Unlike the lousy nurse, Jaejoong faked voices for all his characters.

“The Little Mermaid” He began, opening the book that lay untouched at the side of the bench and wondering why couldn’t he tell his children about pain? Love was full of it and love which was not always pretty and miraculous, but poisonous, oozing pus like an infected wound, it made some wither and fade a little every day.

“You keep loosing weight, Jaejoong. Are you not following the diet?” The doctor questioned.

“Must be because of the insomnia. My heart won’t calm down. It’s always racing. The sleeping pills… they helped me before”

“I don’t want you to become dependant. You have to conciliate sleep by natural means. I’ll prescribe you some mild tranquilizers”

He made it home tripping on his own feet. He emptied the entire flask after he was given the niacin, not caring if he collapsed in the middle of the street. His eyesight became clouded, but he had silence at last. There were no more voices, no more faces, no more memories and he was thankful for the little peace.

He closed the door of his apartment and walked towards the bedroom, the ground below his feet was unstable as if made of sand, yet he was smiling. He dragged those heavy feet and lay down with the only shirt he had of him, left forgotten behind an armchair. He made love to that shirt every night and like most nights, he couldn’t tell if he writhe in pain or pleasure, but sheets smelled of sex once again and that was better than the foul smell of putrescence.

He hugged the dirty piece of clothing and laughed as his eyes welled up with tears. He felt safe like when Yunho made love to him and he slept tightly in his arms. He hoped he made it into Yunho’s dreams because he’d share the night with him.

His heart didn’t give up that night or the next one. He woke up on the third day. And there they were with him, as boisterous and enraged as always, voices trapped inside the walls. Ghosts from the past, yelling their reproaches and poking answers out of him.

Yunho never forgave you for leaving him. This is the punishment you get for abandoning him.

“I was going to come back”

Is this what you wanted?

“I needed to get away from him!”

He is with a woman now.

“His father would have hurt him. I had to leave”

You’re just a coward.You are the one who put the bars in your cage.

“I was scared… I’m sorry. I’m sorry” He sobbed but there was no use. They were ruthless.

It’s too late now. You deserve his hatred.

“Yunho loves me”

Yunho hates you. He hates you so much he doesn’t like cocks anymore.

“No! It was a forced wedding. He loves me”

He makes love to her. That’s how he got her pregnant. She satisfies him.

“NO! She doesn’t! She wouldn’t do the things I did to him. Jihyun doesn’t have the love I have for him”

Jeon Jihyun, that bitch. But she is so beautiful. She glows. Always glowing.

“She’s the devil. She said she was my friend. She even said she loved me. But she’s the devil!”

You know where she came from. The bitch told you and then she fucked Yunho in the room where you lay unconscious.

“I heard their moans”



They lived by the beach. How bitter that made him. His dreamed house with the view of the endless ocean, the sky, the immense garden of sand, Jihyun had it as well. An ear-piercing fury resonated inside his chest like an echo, reproaching that it wasn’t fair. It isn’t fair. And there he was crying like a lost child, at the doors of Yunho’s happiness where he no longer had a place.

He didn’t have the courage to knock on the door and he didn’t call. He was scared to meet him up front. He wanted at least that bit of control about how he would see him for the last time, so he sneaked inside the house like an intruder would. That was who he was now.

The insides of the house matched the outside, French architecture. A very open space with high ceilings and wood frames on the walls and many wide doors that opened in the middle and directed him to different rooms, like a labyrinth.

He went past the hall and the tacky flower arrangements and saw a little boy in red footed pajamas. He was sitting in front of a large TV, mumbling to himself and doing as he saw on the screen. The little boy didn’t notice Jaejoong, but Jaejoong stared at him with eyes of love. He looked so familiar. He was a tiny version of Yunho.

His eyes followed the boy’s moves and kicks and jumps and then stayed fixed on the walls of the spacious living room where he confirmed what so cruelly the voices warned him every day. Yunho made a life with her. A life he was proud of and a life he could share with the rest of the world. A wonderful life. Without him.

There was a beautifully crafted gold frame of their wedding. There were pictures of them, Jihyun with a camera, Yunho and Jihyun painting, Jihyun with Yunho’s parents, pictures of them in Paris, pictures of Yunho with people he didn’t recognize but supposed to be Jihyun’s relatives. Pictures of Yunho and Jihyun holding each other and kissing under the Christmas’s mistletoe. Pictures of children, Yunho holding a baby, Jihyun feeding two boys, then Mr. Jung carrying a little girl in his arms.

He was in shock and beyond shock, there was horror. Those photos, he had seen them before. He had little time to conclude what his fear was when a baby girl dressed like a princess, pulled the side of his pants and put her hands up in the air for him to pick her up.

Jaejoong reached down to her and held her. The little girl cupped his face and he realized he was crying. There were tears spilling from his eyes and dripping on the baby’s arms and pink dress like a waterfall.

“What’s your name?” Jaejoong asked.

“Ji-yool”

“Jung Jiyool?”

The little girl nodded her head and Jaejoong hugged her tight. He was sobbing and he would do so loudly, trying to squeeze out the pain, if not for the next sound that made it to his ears like a caress and immobilized the muscles in his body.

“Jaejoongie come here”

His voice. It was poison to him.

Jaejoong’s heart gave a somersault before it stumbled upon his own steps as he raced to where the voice came from.

He found him after following a narrow hall that led to the kitchen. Yunho was busying himself with what seemed twenty bowls on the counter and at least 5 pots all set on the stove at the same time. He couldn’t see him fully unless he made himself visible in the cramped kitchen, but he saw his profile from the door. His hair was combed backwards and he was wearing a flowery apron tied with a ribbon around his waist. Jaejoong thought he looked delicious.

“Baby hurry”

The next second a boy with long, black hair and the fairest skin Jaejoong had ever seen stood besides Yunho, from the opposite direction. He seemed a bit older than the child sitting on the sofa and the girl in his arms, but he was a little boy still.

“Would you try this for me?” Yunho asked and sat the boy on the counter top. The child wrinkled his nose, before sighing dramatically. Then he opened his mouth wide. Yunho smiled and offered him a spoonful of a what looked like green pudding.

“Is it too salty?”

“Appa, it’s hot” The boy complained and both blew on the spoon at the same time causing the liquid to spill everywhere.

“Jaejoongie please help appa. I’m trying to impress mommy”

“Who is playing in my kitchen?”

Jaejoong leaned against the wall, hiding himself as he spotted Jihyun and her giant belly slowly walking up to Yunho and the little boy. She was wearing a long, black skirt with a red rose printing and a white buttoned shirt. Even with her stomach the size of a whale, she looked stunning.

“I thought you were asleep. Did I wake you up?” Yunho asked as he pulled a chair for her.

“No, honey. It’s fine. What are you making?”

“Oh. It’s a surprise. Doesn't it smell good?”

“Delicious” Jihyun said and winked at the little boy who giggled in response and disappeared as if a signal made by the woman to save his young, innocent life from tasting the food.

“I saw that”

Jihyun stood up and hugged him from behind. “Are you intoxicating my children?”

“It’s very edible, Jihyun. The taste might be a bit odd, but harmless food nevertheless”

She laughed and rested her head on his back. “Good…. I had a nice nap. I dreamt of my husband”

“What did you dream?”

“I dreamt that my husband was making love to me”

Jaejoong saw the smile in Yunho’s face. “Didn’t your husband make love to you last night?”

“Hmm. He did, but pregnant women are hormonal like teenagers”

Yunho laughed and put down the pot and the spoon and turned around. He took the woman by the waist and kissed her.

“Wait, I’m hungry” She stopped him.

“I know” Yunho smirked.

She slapped his chest. “I mean food. Feed me. Then when the children take their nap, we’ll have time”

Yunho nodded. “I shall hurry then”

“I love you” She pressed a kiss on his cheek.

“I love you too, sweetie”

Jaejoong dropped the girl to the floor. He simply let her go, oblivious that her tiny figure snuggled into his arms. Jiyool cried instantly. She cried hard and loud until her little face turned red, but Jaejoong did not react. Could not.

“Baby what happened?” Her parents were with her immediately.

Jiyool rubbed her arms which Yunho kissed one, two, three times. Then she pointed at the end of the hall, but there was no one there.

“Was it Moonbin?” Jihyun asked as he rubbed her back and rocked her body to the sides.

“Ajeossi” She mumbled.

“I’m so sorry, Jiyool” Jaejoong whispered, pressing a hand to his mouth not to let his sobs be heard. He hid by the coats in the entrance. He wished he could vanish and grieve by himself in the dark. But there he was, in their home, sobbing pathetically steps away from where Yunho pampered his child and kissed his wife.

He was covering his face, ashamed to be hidden and ashamed to be crying, leaning against the wall like a wounded soldier. He had battled a war of his own for far too long and yet it seemed there would be no end to it. Today he lost all hope. Yunho loved her. He said he loved her.

From his corner, he observed the dreamed family eat together at the table. The sight would be adorable for anyone, the cute children with their mouths covered in dark sauce and the bloated mother carrying the fourth kid inside wiping their faces and hands with infinite patience; the father making faces for the little boy who wouldn’t eat his veggies and sparing a smile to his wife who wiped his mouth as well; the sound of the kids’ slurping and blabbering…

It hurt. So much. And it was not wrath, envy or resentment. It was desolation, profound and gutted, because in his heart he knew this was the best that could ever happen to Yunho. But the love he had for him and ate him inside was still there, unrequited love that wouldn’t go away and only caused misery because he was once loved wholly by him.

Jihyun walked to the balcony with a book in hand and Yunho took the three children to their bedroom where he sang lullabies to them, trying to make them close their eyes and soothe dreams of a better world. Jaejoong saw them yawn and in all good conscience he wished profound slumber on them so they wouldn’t hear or see the tragedy that was to take place.

Yunho walked out of the room and he leaned against the wall and rubbed his neck. He looked tired and Jaejoong stepped closer, he wondered if he could just talk to him and hold him.

His attention was disperse as tiny flames on a little tall table to his left extinguished simultaneously. Yunho walked over to the corner where a modest altar with incense sticks and a little Budda was placed and he lighted up the candles. He stared at the picture that was between the flames and kissed it.

“Honey?” Jihyun called and Jaejoong stepped back.

“Coming”

Jaejoong could not believe his eyes. It did not make sense. There was his picture in the center. Beloved brother. Lost and found. That was his altar, but he was not dead. He wasn’t the lost twin. Jihyun was. He went back to the living room and looked through the pictures again. He noticed at last that those photographs were of Yunho and himself, their memories, but it was Jihyun there. Jihyun killed him and then took his place.

He couldn’t breathe, there was an ache and a need he hadn’t fulfilled and screamed from the depths of his self. Rage that blinded him and controlled his body, made it stiff and sore. With bitter tears running down his face, he prayed to the Devil itself to let him breathe, because he would do horrible deeds. He would kill her and he knew it.

But not God neither the Devil would hear him now and Jaejoong simply let go. His heart wouldn’t beat anymore. It couldn’t stand the agony. He wanted relief, not for them, but for himself.

They were lying comfortably on the balcony, Jihyun in Yunho’s arms reading her book while Yunho played with her hair. They were talking and laughing. Jaejoong didn’t want to pay attention to what they were saying. He couldn’t think, her laughter resounded against his ears like twigs thrown at fire, flames which grew bigger and bigger. It was irrepressible, but he felt peace, knowing it would end soon. He didn’t deserve the tortured that had been inflicted on him.

As if sinister forces had gathered up to watch the greatest show he was about to perform, they helped him out and inside the master bedroom, a little child began to cry. Yunho stood up and went to the other side of the house and from the window as he cradled the baby girl in his arms, he saw the man who was about to take his life.

Jaejoon stood up at the end of the cliff. He saw the waves crashing against the shore and the sharp rocks that were there to catch his fall.

He took the photo he stole, the beautiful man that once belonged to him. There was a place where he could reunite with him. He just had to make it to that place.



“Jaejoongie…”

“Aren’t you scared to see a ghost?”

“Jaejoong, I… She couldn’t live with the blame. She loves you. I’m sorry”

“She loves me or is it you who still loves me? It was you who killed me, weren’t you Yunnie?”

“I…You killed me first”

“You once loved me with madness. Why would you let her take you away?”

“… It’s been 6 years. I have a family now. I love my wife. I want their happiness”

He nodded his head, not in understanding of Yunho’s words, because they were callous and vile. A murder slashing through his flesh would have had more tact. Jaejoong nodded his head in reassurance of what he was meant to do next. He took a step forward and then abruptly he felt his presence, Yunho’s strong arms which wrapped safely around him and carried him away from the edge.

Jaejoong felt sun rays bathing their bodies, but were there metal bars between them? It didn’t feel like before, to be in his arms. He had shrunk and their bodies didn’t fit like they used to. He could no longer feel the warmth he remembered, no heat emanated from Yunho’s body. But it was Yunho nevertheless and he would not be this close to him ever again, so he put his arms around his neck and buried himself in that uncomfortable body whose chest seemed made of wood.

His tears damped his shirt and Yunho wiped the last traces on his face. Their eyes met and Jaejoong couldn’t take it any longer. He craved for that man. Yunho’s love for him might have died, but his was as eager and alive as the first time they made love and Jaejoong kissed him. He pressed his body against his and threaded his hands on his hair and devoured his mouth. It didn’t last, not the couple seconds Jaejoong had hoped much less the eternity he deserved for the time away from each other. Yunho put his hand on his shoulders and firmly, but gently moved him away.

Jaejoong sought for Yunho’s lips again. He was testing the waters of his lenience and he would sink deep. He ran his hands on Yunho’s face and he touched his lips, tenderly.

“I cried every day you weren’t by my side. You don’t know how much I missed you”

“You hurt me so much. I can’t go back to that.... I don’t love you anymore, Jaejoong”

“I don’t believe you. You kissed me. Kiss me again. You used to kiss me until my mouth bled. Don’t you remember?”

“We weren’t meant to meet, Jaejoong” Those were Yunho's last words, before he gave in. He secured his arms around Jaejoong's tiny waist and sucked on his mouth with the lust and love Jaejoong remembered and made the little hairs of his back rise. This was the moment of mercy he’d be granted before death.

Everything happened so fast after the exhilaration washed over his body. Jihyun was there and she was crying. She pulled Yunho away from him and she held onto him.

“My child. Yunho. This is our child” She sobbed, trying to take a grip of him. Her voice wouldn’t come out clearly, but she was pleading and hugging her belly.

Tears ran down from Jaejoong’s face, but they weren’t sad, he was smiling, because he understood the predicament they were in. Yunho was a man of right. He wouldn’t jump into his arms and leave her behind. He had a family now. After all, it had been a long time.

The words locked inside his heart, he was finally able to utter them. “I understand that you fell in love with him. I understand. But was it real love, Jihyun? The one that makes you feel that intangible joy in the pit of your stomach and goes through your body like electricity and it even hurts. I had that Jihyun. I had that before you came along. Why would you steal that from me? You’re my blood. I treasured you. I wanted you in my life. Why did you erase me from yours and his? Was it lust or was it envy? Why did you try to replace me?”

“The only reason he ever loved you was because of me. Don’t you get it? All those years together and you didn’t meet. You were never meant to meet. It was Yunho and I.  Our family. Our life together”

A dreadful scream pierced time and space and Jaejoong saw terrible fright in his sister's features. He could not believe what he had done, but he knew his smile was beautiful because from the first time in a very long time, it was genuine. He had just pushed her off the cliff. Jihyun's body bent like a doll as her feet left the rocky edge of the precipice.

And he took hold of her arm.

Yunho did.

Jaejoong saw her wrist break with the forceful grip and the sound of the bones cracking mixed with her screams of terror as Yunho swung her body closer to his. But it was too late, she was falling and along with her putrid self which Jaejoong wanted to see smashed against the rocky shore, there was Yunho and for Yunho he’d die.

He flung his body to them and the tortured inflicted on him had finally reached its peak when he was forced to choose between Yunho’s life or Yunho’s love. There was that moment and that decision he never believed he could make.

“Jaejoong, please save my child” Yunho pleaded and he managed to pull the woman up to take hold on his other free hand. But Jaejoong couldn’t hold on for long. He had Yunho in one hand and he had Jihyun in the other. He wasn’t letting go of Yunho, his ribcage would fracture and split in half, but he couldn’t let go the love of his life.

“Please Jaejoong”

“DON’T LET GO. YUNHO. HOLD ON. PLEASE!” His tears were going down on his hands, making them slippier. The crazed woman continued to scream her lungs out in pain and terror, but Yunho was calm and he was looking at him with those eyes overfilled with love again.

“I’m sorry, Jaejoongie. I never stopped loving you”

“What am I supposed to do without you?” His strength crumbled with the sobs that gathered in his throat and congested his chest.  He saw his nails dig into Yunho's sking and sobbed harder. He couldn’t let him go. Not now that he had him again.

“We’ll meet again. I love you”

“No, Yunho. Please. Please. Hold onto me. YUNHO! YUNHO!”

Yunho let go. And Jihyun pulled herself back up and crawled away from the edge. Jaejoong stayed where he was, looking down where the ocean had swallowed his lover.

Yunho, Yunho. He called his name frantically, but he was gone and Jaejoong was too. Without him, he was gone. He held to the piece of rock that had kept the man of his life alive enough to let the truth come out of his lips, Yunho never stopped loving him.

He cried for a long time, choking himself with his own tears and with remorse. Why did he let go? His arms and chest were covered in bruises and his shirt was ragged, but that didn’t matter. Yunho was dead.

Jaejoong let himself go, falling on his back like Yunho did, looking at the wide, blue sky not the rocks of the shore and their sharp ends defining itself as gravity pulled him down.

He felt the salty breeze splash and refresh his arms and face and he closed his eyes…

We'll meet again. I love you too.



“80/60... Blood pressure is dropping fast”

“50/30. Pulse is low. He’s going into cardiac arrest”

“Let’s start with 200. Charge”

“Clear!"

“Nothing.”

“300. Charging”

“Come on boy. Clear!”

“It’s not working”

“Let’s try 360­. Come on, Jaejoong. Don’t give up on me now”

“Charging”

“Clear!”

They stared at the heart monitor, the thin line which seemed eternal.

“Come off it, boy”

It can't be.

Damn it.

He was just a kid.

Beep

There was the small spike at last, followed by another and then a third one, seconds after.

“There you are” The man in white coat let out as he wiped the sweat on his forehead. His shaky breath followed by the nurses loud sighs.

“Heart rate is normal. Blood pressure stabilizing”

“Hello Jaejoong, welcome back” The old man smiled. “Long time no see. Did you have sweet dreams?”

“Doctor, should I call him?” One of the nurses asked in hurry.

“Oh, please do Miri”

The young woman earnestly ran out of the room under the instructions of her superior, smiling wide in gratitude and anticipation for the reunion of the couple she had grown to love like family.

“Quite a fright you gave us… I couldn’t allow him inside. I’d have had to defibrillate him as well” The old man laughed.

Very quickly, the nurse was back and besides her a young man looking terrified if not destroyed, with shaky hands and tears smeared all over his face. He walked with heavy, apprehensive steps towards the doctor who stared at him from the other side of the room.

Unfortunately the man’s surgical mask covered the big smile on his wrinkled features and Yunho approached the patient's bed with his heart on his hands until the very last second. The doctor dragged him by the neck and patted his back hard, but affectionately.

“Look who’s up”

And those beautiful, large eyes were looking around the room. They were glassy, disconcerted and brimful with fear but as breathtaking as Yunho remembered them if not more.

“Oh God” He let out before his throat closed with incredible pressure. Then he was mute, could not utter a word even if he tried, except for the most pitiful wails and cries from deep inside his heart.

Jaejoong's eyes lit up when they met his. He was unable to smile with a tube down his throat, but he was smiling at Yunho with his eyes. Smiling like he used to through tearful eyes.

Yunho bit his lower lip because this wasn’t a time for him to cry, but to laugh and dance from joy. His love had woken up. Jaejoong was by his side once again.

He felt a cold touch on his leg, Jaejoong’s hand that was reaching for his and at that moment Yunho couldn’t hold himself together any longer. He fell on his knees and took Jaejoong’s hand and buried himself in his stomach as he cried in infinite gratefulness.
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A/N: So... yes Jihyun was a dream! Terrible nightmare. Raise your hand if you didn't believe that Yunnie could be such a prick and cheat on his JaeJae and suspected evil autor-ssi was messing around with your heads ^^

This comes a little in next chapter but I'll explain fully since I ow you dearies. I.C.U psychosis stands for Intensive Care Unit psychosis and it's real and it happens to a lot of people in hospitals who are disconcerted by being hospitalized in extreme conditions. With Jae, he was under the influence of barbiturates. Patients who are induced into coma often have nightmares which feel extremely real because of those drugs and sometimes when they wake up they can't tell apart what's real and what's not. Since Jae dreamt during the time of his coma, I played a little with his fears and insecurities and his last memories of leaving Yunho and the accident and that reality with Jihyun seemed pretty feasible for a nightmare. I could have omitted it of course and never write those last painful chappies ^^;;;;;; /hides .....but! then again I just couldn't have Jaejoong with induced coma and not write him a nightmare. It'd be like wasting material... hope you forgive me and if you do leave me loooong comment with all your thoughts of this. I love those! :)