Namida no Hurricane
Today, I spent my whole afternoon singing songs at a videoke place near the school. With my blockmates. All 9 of them. With the 3 men included.
I loved how everyone was cheering and clapping. We needed this time. No, maybe I needed this time. And my friend, too. We're kind of in a similar situation, only hers is more complicated because it involves more years and more commitments.
I was nearly in tears when this particular song played. I was not singing it but remembering something I don't want to think about is... well, gut-wrenching. (Yes, my insides were turning and knotting themselves silly.)
It surprises me that my friends find me strong enough to withstand something like... a loss. I don't cry all of sudden or stare into nothingness for hours. They almost always tell me how composed I look and act given the circumstances. They also tell me how they envy my casual air. But I somehow assure them that I'm just like them, despairing, worrying, going to the brink of madness. And that I'm cursing and crying, too... but just inside. A mask hides me again, I presume.
Gosh, my favorite professor saw me crying once when I exploded. Every single stress factor burst out during that time. Thesis, logistics, virtual tours, AVPs, relationships. Heart full, tears overflowing. It just shows how fragile I really am. He made me laugh, though. That most wonderful visual artist. And the lovely lady friend who was with me.
And I actually forgot what else to write because of these ductless glands on my face. Hahaha!
Just kidding. :)
With these emotions tumbling upside down, it's really hard to focus on the things I need to do. Sometimes, I wish "a wounded heart" is a legitimate reason to skip class. But then, no one will come to class. Oh, complications of being a human being.
I told myself I'd be gracious and forgiving. However, I'm being the opposite; I can't seem to be the person I want to be. I feel unappreciated, useless, second-rate... somewhat equaling to a technological gadget. Plus, I see things I don't need to see. And betrayal comes in, too. There's nothing official but the other one seem to enjoy his life while I... well, try to spend time being cool and calm hahaha. Then, there's the twisting sensation in the stomach which seem to suck everything in. A deep sigh temporarily removes it... but it comes right back when you don't want it to. A endless cycle of deep sighs.
Is it wrong to even hope? Even just a tiny speck of hope. Because this was special to me. It's hard to let go of something really special. I can't believe the other one can let this go THAT easily. Was I even special in the first place? (Here's to wishing for numbness. But I'm fully human, sadly.)
I'm tired but I'm still waiting. I hate but don't feel indifferent. Yet.
Yep, angst-ridden post is angst-ridden. Much. And so random.
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible. -Thomas à Kempis
I loved how everyone was cheering and clapping. We needed this time. No, maybe I needed this time. And my friend, too. We're kind of in a similar situation, only hers is more complicated because it involves more years and more commitments.
I was nearly in tears when this particular song played. I was not singing it but remembering something I don't want to think about is... well, gut-wrenching. (Yes, my insides were turning and knotting themselves silly.)
It surprises me that my friends find me strong enough to withstand something like... a loss. I don't cry all of sudden or stare into nothingness for hours. They almost always tell me how composed I look and act given the circumstances. They also tell me how they envy my casual air. But I somehow assure them that I'm just like them, despairing, worrying, going to the brink of madness. And that I'm cursing and crying, too... but just inside. A mask hides me again, I presume.
Gosh, my favorite professor saw me crying once when I exploded. Every single stress factor burst out during that time. Thesis, logistics, virtual tours, AVPs, relationships. Heart full, tears overflowing. It just shows how fragile I really am. He made me laugh, though. That most wonderful visual artist. And the lovely lady friend who was with me.
And I actually forgot what else to write because of these ductless glands on my face. Hahaha!
Just kidding. :)
With these emotions tumbling upside down, it's really hard to focus on the things I need to do. Sometimes, I wish "a wounded heart" is a legitimate reason to skip class. But then, no one will come to class. Oh, complications of being a human being.
I told myself I'd be gracious and forgiving. However, I'm being the opposite; I can't seem to be the person I want to be. I feel unappreciated, useless, second-rate... somewhat equaling to a technological gadget. Plus, I see things I don't need to see. And betrayal comes in, too. There's nothing official but the other one seem to enjoy his life while I... well, try to spend time being cool and calm hahaha. Then, there's the twisting sensation in the stomach which seem to suck everything in. A deep sigh temporarily removes it... but it comes right back when you don't want it to. A endless cycle of deep sighs.
Is it wrong to even hope? Even just a tiny speck of hope. Because this was special to me. It's hard to let go of something really special. I can't believe the other one can let this go THAT easily. Was I even special in the first place? (Here's to wishing for numbness. But I'm fully human, sadly.)
I'm tired but I'm still waiting. I hate but don't feel indifferent. Yet.
Yep, angst-ridden post is angst-ridden. Much. And so random.
Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility; for it thinks all things lawful for itself, and all things possible. -Thomas à Kempis