Maybe two isn't always better than one
Yunho takes a deep breath as he puts his phone and jewelry in the plastic box in front of him. He knows the drill; he’s done it many times before. He follows the man dressed in white down the corridor. He ignores the shouting and whistling coming from behind the locked doors, just like the wardens always tell him to do. They reach the end of the corridor where a white double-door greets them.
“He’s become more violent when he’s having one of his moments, so we’ve had to restrain him to ensure his safety as well as that of the staff, and you of course. When you’re done, let me know and I’ll take him back to his room.”
Yunho nods, every word latches onto his heartstrings and tugs at them like it’s some sort of sick and twisted game. He watches silently as the warden unlocks the door in front of him, not quite knowing what to expect.
He sees Jaejoong sitting in the middle of the room, head hung low in shame and embarrassment. He walks towards him slowly; every step feels heavier than the last.
Yunho sits down at the table, unsure about what to say, he doesn’t even know how to start off the conversation. Jaejoong takes a deep breath, and it almost comes across as pure irritation, impatience.
“How are you feeling?” Yunho asks hesitantly after a few minutes. The white walls surrounding him makes him feel trapped, like everyone inside has been hidden away from society-too broken to function in everyday life. He figures this must be what Jaejoong feels like every day.
He looks at the older man sitting opposite him. There is no eye contact-no reaction to even acknowledge his presence in the room. He knows Jaejoong is never alone; there is always that voice in his head to entertain him, to poison his thoughts and dreams with a mix of toxic chemicals and lies.
Jaejoong’s dark hair covers most of his face, but he swears he can see a smirk peeking out from between the strands of hair.
“You want to know how I feel, Yunho?” Jaejoong asks with a smile, but he can tell it’s not legitimate. It looks like it’s been painted on his face, like it’s only for show.
“Yes.”
“It feels like I’m drowning, except I can see everyone around me breathing. It doesn’t kill you… but it makes you wish that it did. I know I’ve ruined what we once had, and I think about it a lot. Every day I can feel my heart breaking, and I can hear the pieces rattling around inside of me, afraid that the sharp edges will puncture my lungs… but sometimes I wish they did,“ he says, his gaze fixed on Yunho’s tie. It’s like the mix of colors confuse him, and he can tell something inside his former band mate and lover is changing. It’s like he can see Jaejoong’s thoughts, opinions and personality slipping through the cracks in his mind. He always knew the group splitting wouldn't sit well with the older man, but he didn't know this was how he'd cope with the sorrow, he didn't know his mind would break into insignificant little pieces that no one can make sense of anymore.
He looks at Yunho, and tilts his head to the side, while giggling like a little child. “I like your tie, mister.”
Yunho lets out a sigh. Jaejoong is gone.
He never gets more than 5 minutes with him until the voice takes over his body and mind, like a parasite feeding on its host.
“Thank you.”
“Are you here to see me? I never get any visitors… maybe it’s because I’m a doll, but dolls get lonely too.” His voice changes into that of a small child, a little boy to be exact. Yunho sees lips moving, and even though it’s just as sensual as he remembers, he knows the person speaking is not his beloved.
“I’m here to see Jaejoong. May I speak to him?”
“Jaejoong isn’t home. There is only me, am I not good enough for you?”
Yunho wants nothing more than to embrace the older man, but he knows when he’s in this state of mind, there is no telling how he’ll react to the sudden movement and physical contact. He can see the bruises on Jaejoong’s neck which are most likely the results from one of his violent altercations with the wardens. He knows he’ll never hear Jaejoong sing again, he knows they’ll never get a second chance. He knows nothing will ever feel the same, yet every week he goes to see him, because no one else does.
“I-I think I should come back later. Do you know when he’ll be back?”
“Oh, you know, whenever I’m tired of playing, he’ll come back,” he says with a sly smile.
Yunho nods at the warden, silently telling him the short visit is over. Yunho knows he'll have to come back and see him again next week. Despite their current situation, Yunho is the only bit of sanity Jaejoong has left.
As he’s about to leave, he can hear Jaejoong laughing. Without turning around, he asks, “What’s so funny?”
The older man tries to wipe his tears, but the straightjacket doesn’t allow him. As the warden drags him away, Jaejoong whispers in his own voice, “out of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.”