LJ Idol Week 2 - Um . . .
Title: I've Never Been Pregnant Before . . .
Genre: Non-Fiction
A/N: As always, concrit is all kinds of appreciated.
I've never been pregnant before, so don't really know how to tell people. I've kind of just been telling people. Which catches them off guard. Because I've never been pregnant before. And I'm still married. Going through a divorce that's been a long time coming. But still married. And I'd only been seeing Anthony (whom I jokingly call Baby Daddy at work because calling him my boyfriend makes me feel like I'm twelve) a couple of weeks before I got pregnant. We both knew we liked each other, but I honestly had no idea where our relationship was going. Still have no idea, really. So the situation isn't the most ideal for bringing a baby into the world. And I know that. So I never really know how to bring it up in a conversation.
The first person I told was my best friend, which I think, even in ideal let's-have-a-baby situations, is how it works. I had a very brief conversation in the office at work with her the day before I found out. Jess's dad was in town and he takes a lot of her time and attention, so I mentioned, almost in passing, that I hadn't had a period in a while and felt like I should have. Now, I'm not generally very regular, but since we opened our restaurant together in July 2012, I'd been synching with a lot of the other girls at work. It's a pretty intense week. So I noticed when they all started and I didn't, but didn't really worry about it until a couple weeks later. My boobs were still killing me (something they do for about a week before I start). Anyway, I told her I was thinking about taking a pregnancy test and she told me to tell her how it went.
I took one the next morning. And it was positive. I took a picture of the test, thinking I'd send it to Anthony. He lives just over an hour's drive North of me and we communicate pretty extensively via text. We weren't even at a point in our relationship where we called regularly like to say goodnight or see what our plans for seeing each other next were. However, I decided news like "Hey! I'm pregnant with your baby!" is best done in person. Work was busy, like most Sundays, and, like I said before, I've never been pregnant before and don't really know how to tell people. So I didn't tell Jess. I went all day with the knowledge all to myself. I wanted to tell her all day, but it seemed like there was always someone around. Or it never came up in the brief moments we were together alone. She left work early and I got a text from her as I was closing up. My ex husband has stalkerish tendencies, which are another story entirely, and is very tech-savvy. So, when we talked about Anthony via text, which we didn't do hardly ever, and still don't, we keep it very brief and vague.
Jess: Hey did u take that test
Me: Yes
Jess: and
Me: I am.
After which she called so we could have an actual conversation.
When I got to Anthony's house that evening after work, he was in the bathtub. He's got one of those wonderful, gigantic garden tubs that has a step to get in. I sat on the step while we talked about how our days had gone. I don't even know that I listened to a word he was saying. I certainly don't remember now how his day was or what he'd done. Or what I'd said to him. I remember butterflies in my tummy, roses on the counter, the way the lights were dimmed, and how warm his hand was when he held mine. I remember waiting for the right time in the conversation to tell him. I remember it never feeling like the right time. We'd talked a little bit about kids. He's significantly (17 years) older than I am and already has six kids. Three different moms, which again goes back to the not ideal thing. He knew I wanted to have kids, had always wanted kids, and I knew that he would be happy if he were "blessed with more children." So it wasn't that I was nervous he'd be upset. I'd just never had to tell a man I was pregnant with his baby. And I always thought it would be my husband I'd be telling, not someone who was practically a stranger.
"Um . . ." I started during a lull in our conversation. "I took a pregnancy test this morning."
"And?"
"I'm pregnant."
My dad took me on a tour of the Acoma Sky City eight or so years ago, and it was one of the most inspiring, moving experiences of my life. I can still remember how my heart felt too full of wonder and awe to breathe. I can't put words to the way it felt to be walking on the sacred ground of the church or to hear about why the walls around the graveyard were built the way they were. I can't tell you how it made me feel to stand on the mesa that the Acoma people believe God picked out just for them. But Anthony's face when I told him I was pregnant looked like I had felt that day.
I still get butterflies when I tell people I'm pregnant. Because of the situation, I always assume that in the pause (and there's always a pause) between me telling them I'm pregnant and their next sentence, they're wondering what the hell I was thinking. Because I'm not the type of girl who goes home with a stranger at a bar. And I'm not the type of girl who gets pregnant with another man's child while she's still married. Except apparently I am. And all I can think about during that pause is the way Anthony looked at me when I told him.