.. Listen to your heart ..
Work has been going good. I started last Monday running my own crew, and driving my own truck everyday. I was at the same location, a condominium where I planted flowers in different beds for them. Basically, I go in and tear out old, dead flowers and I replant new ones. But, I do designs in the beds, like you see at Disney and stuff. It’s neat and a lot of fun. Not that hard of a job, either. Right now it’s only me and one other girl on my crew, and she is a hard worker, so we got the job finished a lot faster than my manager thought we would. I got a lot of compliments and stuff, which was really nice. I’m really proud of what I do. I wanted to take some pictures of all of the beds I did and keep something like a portfolio of everything I do. I think I’m going to get a roll of film when I get paid, so I can do that.
Bobby’s doing good too. He started last Monday. We work at the same place, Luke Brothers Landscaping. But, he does irrigation, and runs his own crew. Right now he can’t drive his own truck though, because his licenses are suspended for about another year. But, if he sticks with this job until then, he will get to drive his own crew just like me. I don’t think that either of us dreads waking up for work in the mornings, because we both enjoy what we are doing. I’m proud of him for everything he has accomplished since we moved over here. It gets rough sometimes, and some days are worse than others but we both hold on, and look forward to the future.
He always says he doesn’t want to get married. He says he would stay with me, and live like we were married, but he doesn’t want to actually sign papers on it. The other day he popped out and said something about what he wants to wear when he gets married. I seriously almost fell out of my chair, because I honestly thought that if I was going to stay with him, I would just have to except that I would never be able to have that wedding day that little girls always dream of. But, when he said that, about what he would wear, I questioned him, “Oh, I thought you weren’t ever going to get married”? He said “Well, I guess I could if I found the right girl”, and gave me a look and a smile that told me I could look forward to my dream wedding. I couldn’t let him see, but that little comment made me melt, and made everything bad in my day fade away.
Aunt Liz (Bobby’s aunt, who we live with) says I need to quit cutting myself down so much. I think I’m doing a little better. I mean, I know Bobby loves me so much, and that’s all that matters I guess, but I have got to learn to love myself. I have always had hang ups with my weight, even whenever I got down to 130 pounds about 4 years ago, I still was not satisfied with myself. I guess I’m border-line with having an eating disorder or something. I just don’t want to allow myself to get back up to 180-185 pounds again. I haven’t weighed myself lately, for fear of what I will see when I do, but the last time I checked I was 145. I don’t think I can really gain too much, since I work all the time now, and I’m always out there in the heat, sweating and working all of that off. But, in the back of my mind, I’m still paranoid about my weight, and what I must look like. I feel fat, and I feel I look fat. Somehow I’ve got to get over this hump though. I have been told too many times that I am perfect just how I am, and my heart and personality are the only things that matter. I know I have a big heart, and I always think of others before me. And even if I gain so much weight that I can’t stand on my own two feet and hold myself up anymore, I still have my heart, and if someone cant love me for that, then I don’t need them.
Uncle Walt (Bobby’s uncle) is helping us out a lot. He is going to help us make sure we get all of our debts paid off, and he’s only going to let us have enough for a carton of cigarettes plus $30.00 a week for money in our pocket. It may sound like a bummer when you think about it, but we really need to get these things paid off, and then we’re going to start saving up our money for a car, and a place of our own. I’m so excited to see our progress, and I thank him so much for controlling this for us, so we don’t mess up and blow our money where we don’t need to.
I look forward to my future with Bobby, my job, and the life we can make for each other. I look forward to watching ourselves progress daily, monthly, and yearly. I hope this relationship does nothing but progress because in him, I have found my soul mate. I’ve found someone who picks me up when I am down, and corrects me when I’m in the wrong. And that, is something that I believe everyone needs.