Revelations of diner filled last night.
This is more of a reflections piece than an update, that said i spent the latter part of the evening with paul at the diner, seems over that past couple of months i've takin akin to spending my night in there listening to music,reflect,draw,and write. Also it seems the onbly time paul and i hang out. I know he's my friend but its like he doesn't want me to be friends with him when others are around. Which is really fucked up. But i really think i'm just very emotional right now but still it begs re-examintation. I've faced alot of rejection in my life because lerts face it i'm not a person everyone can handle and i've heard everything from i'll always be your friend or your my best friend or i love you and i don't believe nearly any of it unless its been proven even if it has been proven it can turn around and betray when you most need it so i'm always prepared for people to stab me in the back its sad but its what i've learned i need to do. There is no one i meet or no one i know i put beyone trying to use me for their own purpose, proplr likr to play games they get ego trips they feel big or simply they don't care and will usse the easiest path to their ends. just like the postal service says "well i was the one worth leaving." I am me. I am the best friend and the best person i can be i put it all on the table right from the beginning, i make sure people know right off the bat what there gettiong into. ?I make friends quickly and i care more than time should allow in alot of cases that is a fault of mine but a fault of mine i like. It may get me hurty much more offten but if one good friendship comes out of it within the course of my life then i'll be happy even if one doesn't i'll be happy knowing i didn't hold back. Love is something i have experience very sporadically and i mean true whole spirit love but i have experienced it tqwwice it ended in tragedy most other times ended in heartbreak. But i know what i experienced and its much more than most people will ever have and people give them selves to other people for pleasure physical pleasure i'mn a virgin and will remain till i find another person who i care about with my whole soul and who i know cares about me with their whole sole enough that i forget my fears and cherish them. I have no problem never having kissed anyone its who i am. If i remain this way for 20 years i will because i care about something more than physical gratification even though i joke about it all the time it does mean theres any thing more than humopur in my jokes i joke about alot of things i have avid stances on like death,ddrugs,alcohol,violence i'm sarcastic so sue me. I was saddened the other day then again today 1st by reading someone elses journal and it being the most materialistic thing i have ever read the fact that someone could put so much worth in material possesions and wwealthy experiences its really got to me, then today to see another person pass the blame for their own mistakes(another jopurnal entry diff person) i see so many people not willing to take responsibility for their cactions it makes me sad thats like the first thing you learn as you grow up you fuck up you own up at least thats how i live my life, i'm nopt perfecvt i'm made huge glaring errors and mistakes but i've always fessed up to them and took responsibility if don't take responsibility then its simply someone else trying to pin their problems on me cause i'm an easy answer i take alot of unnessicary blame in my relationships with people but i wont be a token for other people problems or mistakes i'm not a toy or a tool to be used like that i've been used like that enough of my life. I know not to cdount on anyone when it can be helped but i'm in a place and a situation where i need to rely on other people to a certain extent i know i have a long dark road to walk and no one will be there to hold my hand but i need someone to show me where the road begins cause all i see is cold concrete 360degrees around me. One thing is even if i lose everything and end up in some street alley in cali i'm going to keep my book anbd my pens and one day something beautiful wwill come out of it or something horribly dark which only i will find beautiful. I find comfort in darkness in sadness and suicide though i find comfort in thoughts of death i find beauty in the horrible the dark the sadistic when i feel likme this its the feeling most familiar i feell like i'm home like i'm complete like i'm how i was ment to be. But its that very feeling that scares me i don't want to be like this my whole life there were times when i wasn't like this times when i was better i wouldn't say i've ever felt happiness but i think i can imagine what itas like and i want that to be my warm familiar comfortable feeling. I'm going to continue working hard twoards this goal and someday i will achieve it. Someday. I'm saddened about bronwen she left and didn't leave a number and hasn't called me i'm begining to think she going to be an one who wants nothing to do anything with me. And if so i'm going to have to respect that. So winding up i will get through this if i have to go to school living in the alleyway i will i've been there before i know how to survive i can swallow my pride and ask for help i can even learn to swallow my morals and take it(the help that is) i can find solutions and aanswers i can live with nothing for a long time i have before and i know at some point i will again if this is my suffering then so be it i can handle it i will become a more rounded person because of it and probably gain a few experiences i'll never have again as an artist they say your inspiration grows with pain and i already have plenty but if thweres more i'm not going to run away from it.