AAA WHY IS EVERYTHING FALLING ON ME.
I seem to be abnormally unlucky as of recently.
Like everything must want to ASSAULT ME with it's matter.
It's such a big deal to me I must SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.
YESTERDAY:
I was at my locker, getting my lunch. Since my locker is a bottom one, I had to be kneeling.
Then like out of nowhere something falls on my back and WTF IT'S A BACKPACK. And that's not even the weird part, the thing was that it like fell AROUND me, like a ring of the armstrap, and I was like trapped "in" the backpack. And I never got a chance to see who threw it. But they're probably really good at horseshoes.
Outside at lunch, I was just sitting and talking and all of a sudden this football randomly bounces off my back. I hissed and glared behind me but said nothing.
And then I was standing up from getting stuff out of my locker right after lunch, and something like falls from the top of the lockers onto me. It was this squished, empty plastic coke bottle. Nathan did it, though. But I was like AAAAAA WHEN WILL THIS STOP?
The last one of the day, Brendan was trying to build a box fort in art again, and, I suppose this was my fault for sitting so close, because sometimes the boxes fell on me.
TODAY:
This morning I was taking a shower.
My shower is the hose kind, which is important. I was putting the showerhead back up so I could shampoo my hair, and then the holder for the showerhead BROKE. Of course, I didn't notice it until after I had let go of the showerhead, only for it to come crashing down onto my knee. Pretty much, I was like WTF. REALLY. WTF.
But the rest of today was alright. I guess.
I managed to fend off another attack from a football.
And I managed to momentarily tell off Alex.
We were playing four square out in the parking lot. Bobbi was like "Come hither, Ryan!"
And I was like "LOL, 'come hither'."
Because it was funny.
And then Alex butts in like "IT'S OLDE ENGLISH. OBV".
You know, usually I just kind of ignore him. I don't tell him to shut up when he's annoying me, or to go away when he wants to be around the people I'm around, whatever. But once he talks to me, and especially like that, I get a bit mad.
"I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, ALEX. JESUS! I'M SO TIRED OF YOU!" And I was going to say more, but I just stopped because I didn't wanna get too mean.
And plus Ryan burst out laughing, so it made me laugh halfway through my yell.
IDK I kind of regret it now, but I hope that he doesn't ever talk to me again.
ALSO ALSO ALSO.
This was one of the times I didn't like Sandy at all, because she proved that she barely knows what she's talking about.
We were in open work, talking. I don't even remember how we got to the topic.
I said something about my dad being strict, and she said something about volunteering at book clubs, and I said something about volunteering at an adoption workshop, and I said something about identity crises, and she said something about languages, and I said something about learning Chinese, and then something about wanting to be closer to my Asian/Chinese culture even though my parents are white and then she goes and says:
"But it's not your culture anymore!"
And I didn't know WHAT to say.
No smart remarks, no "laughing it off", not even a stutter.
Unlike with Alex, when the words shot out of me before I had the chance to think, I had nothing to react with. I don't even remember if I answered her at all.
The funny thing is, with the amount of thinking I do about mySELF and various adoption-related topics, how could I not have thought about this?
How is the culture not MINE anymore? Because I don't live there anymore? Because I have nobody to teach it to me? How can she say that, like it USED TO BE MINE, but it isn't anymore? I didn't really lose a part of me, did I?
I'm even more of a twinkie then I thought, I guess.
Why am I taking her so seriously? Maybe it's because I thought I could trust her when I talk about these things and then she has to say something like that. Maybe she thought it would make me feel better about myself, so I could focus on being more AMERICAN and not worry about the rest of myself. Or something.
I don't know.
But it really made me feel horrible.
I already have identity issues the size of Russia. You know, like most adopted people, and especially through transracial adoptions. Also, even with people who were born in different countries then their parents were. They don't "belong" with the country they live in because they look different, have different genes and, depending on their ages, may act different or talk different. They don't "belong" with their birth parents/parent's country because they are raised being taught different values or languages.
And maybe it's even my fault for talking about my adoption and identity so light-heartedly in the first place. If I established that it was touchy for me, maybe people who know NOTHING ABOUT IT would leave me alone on the topic and not try to say things like that.
I kind of want to tell her that it hurt me. But now that it's long passed, it would be weird to approach her again like "Yeah, that thing you said yesterday. I've been thinking about it, and it really hurt me."
Knowing her, she would say something like "LOL CAITLIN, why would you think that much about it? Calm down already. I'm sorry, jeez."
And even if she wasn't all that sincere, I would probably forgive her.
But she has no idea.
She never has any idea. I wish she would just shut up about things sometimes.
How can I tell her that without being too defensive or offensive?
Like everything must want to ASSAULT ME with it's matter.
It's such a big deal to me I must SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD.
YESTERDAY:
I was at my locker, getting my lunch. Since my locker is a bottom one, I had to be kneeling.
Then like out of nowhere something falls on my back and WTF IT'S A BACKPACK. And that's not even the weird part, the thing was that it like fell AROUND me, like a ring of the armstrap, and I was like trapped "in" the backpack. And I never got a chance to see who threw it. But they're probably really good at horseshoes.
Outside at lunch, I was just sitting and talking and all of a sudden this football randomly bounces off my back. I hissed and glared behind me but said nothing.
And then I was standing up from getting stuff out of my locker right after lunch, and something like falls from the top of the lockers onto me. It was this squished, empty plastic coke bottle. Nathan did it, though. But I was like AAAAAA WHEN WILL THIS STOP?
The last one of the day, Brendan was trying to build a box fort in art again, and, I suppose this was my fault for sitting so close, because sometimes the boxes fell on me.
TODAY:
This morning I was taking a shower.
My shower is the hose kind, which is important. I was putting the showerhead back up so I could shampoo my hair, and then the holder for the showerhead BROKE. Of course, I didn't notice it until after I had let go of the showerhead, only for it to come crashing down onto my knee. Pretty much, I was like WTF. REALLY. WTF.
But the rest of today was alright. I guess.
I managed to fend off another attack from a football.
And I managed to momentarily tell off Alex.
We were playing four square out in the parking lot. Bobbi was like "Come hither, Ryan!"
And I was like "LOL, 'come hither'."
Because it was funny.
And then Alex butts in like "IT'S OLDE ENGLISH. OBV".
You know, usually I just kind of ignore him. I don't tell him to shut up when he's annoying me, or to go away when he wants to be around the people I'm around, whatever. But once he talks to me, and especially like that, I get a bit mad.
"I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, ALEX. JESUS! I'M SO TIRED OF YOU!" And I was going to say more, but I just stopped because I didn't wanna get too mean.
And plus Ryan burst out laughing, so it made me laugh halfway through my yell.
IDK I kind of regret it now, but I hope that he doesn't ever talk to me again.
ALSO ALSO ALSO.
This was one of the times I didn't like Sandy at all, because she proved that she barely knows what she's talking about.
We were in open work, talking. I don't even remember how we got to the topic.
I said something about my dad being strict, and she said something about volunteering at book clubs, and I said something about volunteering at an adoption workshop, and I said something about identity crises, and she said something about languages, and I said something about learning Chinese, and then something about wanting to be closer to my Asian/Chinese culture even though my parents are white and then she goes and says:
"But it's not your culture anymore!"
And I didn't know WHAT to say.
No smart remarks, no "laughing it off", not even a stutter.
Unlike with Alex, when the words shot out of me before I had the chance to think, I had nothing to react with. I don't even remember if I answered her at all.
The funny thing is, with the amount of thinking I do about mySELF and various adoption-related topics, how could I not have thought about this?
How is the culture not MINE anymore? Because I don't live there anymore? Because I have nobody to teach it to me? How can she say that, like it USED TO BE MINE, but it isn't anymore? I didn't really lose a part of me, did I?
I'm even more of a twinkie then I thought, I guess.
Why am I taking her so seriously? Maybe it's because I thought I could trust her when I talk about these things and then she has to say something like that. Maybe she thought it would make me feel better about myself, so I could focus on being more AMERICAN and not worry about the rest of myself. Or something.
I don't know.
But it really made me feel horrible.
I already have identity issues the size of Russia. You know, like most adopted people, and especially through transracial adoptions. Also, even with people who were born in different countries then their parents were. They don't "belong" with the country they live in because they look different, have different genes and, depending on their ages, may act different or talk different. They don't "belong" with their birth parents/parent's country because they are raised being taught different values or languages.
And maybe it's even my fault for talking about my adoption and identity so light-heartedly in the first place. If I established that it was touchy for me, maybe people who know NOTHING ABOUT IT would leave me alone on the topic and not try to say things like that.
I kind of want to tell her that it hurt me. But now that it's long passed, it would be weird to approach her again like "Yeah, that thing you said yesterday. I've been thinking about it, and it really hurt me."
Knowing her, she would say something like "LOL CAITLIN, why would you think that much about it? Calm down already. I'm sorry, jeez."
And even if she wasn't all that sincere, I would probably forgive her.
But she has no idea.
She never has any idea. I wish she would just shut up about things sometimes.
How can I tell her that without being too defensive or offensive?