(no subject)
"its not a bad thing," i kept saying to myself. and every time i said that i thought of something wrong with you. i spent hours going back and forth in my mind and all i came up with was no. there has to be something else, something willing to try, but i always come back to no. maybe it is because i push myself away from you so much that i block out every word you say to me. that way i can always say, "we don't even know each other." and in my mind i can say, "because i don't try." maybe it is because i won't stop talking about something little just to past the time because i don't want to know about your problems. "i don't want this. i know i don't want this." why do i keep changing my mind then? "i am not afraid. i know i am not afraid of this."
when i sit in class sometimes i think of you. when that happens i beat you out of my mind. i tell myself i hate you and everything about you, but i know i don't. i even go as far as telling other people that i hate. i know i don't hate you. why do i say it? i hear myself saying the lies and i do nothing about it. i try and laugh at it. i can't laugh at it.
every once in a while i say to myself, "what if i didn't hate you," but i throw that away as quick as it came. i try to avoid you but it is hard when you are always there. i feel so suffocated by the walls you put around me. they are miles away but closing in. i feel the space between us deteriorating. "i don't like it. i know i don't like it." why are you there when i look up. all i have to do is squint and i see you. "i don't want to see you. i know i don't want to see you." i despise you for being in my mind when i don't want you and for saying nice things to me when i try not to hear them. i hate you for trying to be there when i cry and i hate myself for liking it.
i don't like feeling this way.
please leave i don't like feeling vulnerable.
when i sit in class sometimes i think of you. when that happens i beat you out of my mind. i tell myself i hate you and everything about you, but i know i don't. i even go as far as telling other people that i hate. i know i don't hate you. why do i say it? i hear myself saying the lies and i do nothing about it. i try and laugh at it. i can't laugh at it.
every once in a while i say to myself, "what if i didn't hate you," but i throw that away as quick as it came. i try to avoid you but it is hard when you are always there. i feel so suffocated by the walls you put around me. they are miles away but closing in. i feel the space between us deteriorating. "i don't like it. i know i don't like it." why are you there when i look up. all i have to do is squint and i see you. "i don't want to see you. i know i don't want to see you." i despise you for being in my mind when i don't want you and for saying nice things to me when i try not to hear them. i hate you for trying to be there when i cry and i hate myself for liking it.
i don't like feeling this way.
please leave i don't like feeling vulnerable.