Without a word - chapter 5
Title: Without a word
Pairings: HanChul <-- main, KangTeuk, EunHae (ninjas here and there)
Rating: PG-13 (changes)
Genre: Angst, humor
Summary: Heechul has loved Hangeng since pre-debut, but never said anything about it to anyone. Hiding all of his feelings is getting more and more difficult, as bad things happens and Heechul slowly starts building up a fake personality to cover up his depression. Is there a light at the end of the dark tunnel? Will there ever be a way for Heechul to be happy...
Disclaimer: I have a big bed that fits both dbsk and suju I do not own the boys... A/N: OK, so this has taken a very long time. I'm sorry, but I've been moving to my own apartment, so I haven't had the time to write. Heechul feels terrible, and hasn't the courage to be around Hangeng. But the members can make him happy... or can they?
"Is he going to stay for the rest of the week?"
Heechul could hear Junsu's voice dimly in his head.
"I don't know." It was Yunho. "But don't try to push out any answers from him, ok?"
"It's ok..." Heechul grunted as he opened his eyes, to see all the members from Dong Bang Shin Ki standing in the room, looking at him.
"Good morning!" Jaejoong said and sat down on the edge of his own bed, which Heechul had slept in.
"Are you ok, Heechul? You really look... well, not good." Junsu said.
Heechul smiled. "You can pretty much say that I hate me life right now."
Yunho moved and kneeled down beside Heechul. "Don't worry. It'll be alright."
Heechul smiled at him, but he didn't believe a word of ‘it will turn out alright’, because it never would.
"What happened?" Yoochun asked.
Changmin hit him on the arm and gave him a meaning look. "Don't ask him. It's none of our business."
Heechul sighed. "It's just my old love problems again." He sighed, and moved to get out of the bed and they all moved to sit down in the kitchen, where Jaejoong had prepared breakfast.
All the members of Dbsk understood that Heechul didn't really want to talk about his problems and let him sit in silence, eating his food while the rest of them fooled around as always.
Heechul loved that they were so understanding. They never asked a hundred questions about what was wrong and never dragged the answers out from him, they waited for Heechul himself to come and talk to them when he was ready.
After breakfast was ready Heechul helped Yunho to clean of the table.
"Yunho..." Heechul said while he sat down on a chair by the table. "I don't know if I can do this anymore..."
Yunho stopped wiping the table and sat down on the chair beside Heechul. "Can't do what?"
Heechul sighed. "I don't know... This... Hankyung… I can't take it any longer."
Yunho looked at him with understanding eyes and Heechul continued.
"Being around him all the time is really... I'm getting too emotional."
"Is it worse now than it has been before? Has something new happened?" Yunho asked.
Heechul nodded. "Yesterday was really a shock for me. Maybe I should quit Super Junior to get rid of him?"
Heechul snorted at what he himself said, but Yunho understood that it laid some truth in the words.
"Then..." Yunho said in a low voice. "What happened yesterday?"
Heechul looked down at the table and started to make circles with his fingers. "He has a girlfriend."
Yunho slammed his fist to the table and swore pretty loudly, which startled Heechul a little.
"Yunho?" Jaejoong's voice came from the bathroom. "What are you doing?!"
Yunho didn't bother answering and instead embraced Heechul in a big hug.
"I was afraid that it was something like that when I saw you so sad." he said softly into Heechul's ear.
Heechul felt his tears coming, he didn't want to cry again. He had cried all night until he fell asleep, that was really too much already. It wasn't wrong to cry, but Heechul hated it.
Right then Heechul got a text message from Eeteuk and read that they were on their way to pick him up now, so Heechul stood up and went to grab his bag.
When he went to the door to take on his shoes, Yunho stopped him.
"I don't want you to play happy in front of them when you're not."
Heechul looked up. "Play happy?"
Yunho looked at him. "I know how well you can hide your feelings, Chul. But I don't want you to hide the fact that you're sad to them. They’re your brothers."
Heechul sighed. "Why do you know everything about me?" he smiled weakly at Yunho.
"Because I'm your best friend?" Yunho said and gave Heechul a hug again.
Heechul looked at him. "I can't show them how I feel." he said. "If I do they will be worried and ask me hundreds of questions about what's wrong, and I can't really say to either of them that I love Hankyung. I don't want them to know the truth or be worried about me, ok?"
Yunho sighed. "But I think you should at least tell Jungsoo hyung."
"That guy has too many problems already, so no thank you." Heechul said and opened the door.
"I'll call you when the schedule's finished ok?" He said to Yunho, then shouted good buys to the others.
"Ok, good bye. Just call if you want to stay here tonight as well." Yunho said. "You know that you can come anytime you want."
"I know. Good bye!"
-
When Heechul had stepped into Super Junior’s minibus, everyone stared at him with questioned looks. But Heechul didn't say anything and smiled happily at them before he went back to sit beside Hangeng.
"Where did you go last night?" Hangeng asked Heechul, looking at him worryingly. "You just disappeared."
Heechul felt his heart beat extra hard for a second, it hurt. "Um, Yunho called and said he wanted to meet me." Heechul said with the happiest voice he could make. "It was urgent."
Hangeng looked at him, but Heechul didn't lift his face. If he saw Hangeng in his eyes right now - he would start to cry.
-
The day went past smoothly as usual and no one noticed anything wrong with Heechul at all. When they sat on the bus on their way back to the dorm, Heechul thanked God that he'd taken all those actor lessons and drama roles - because apparently he was very good at it.
"Hyung! Hyung! Where you at DBSK's place yesterday?" Donghae suddenly screamed and tried to reach forward to Heechul who was sitting at the other end of the bus.
All eyes turned to face Heechul because of Donghae's loud voice, even Siwon who sat beside the driver.
Heechul looked at them. "How... what? Yeah, I was. So? Got a problem?"
Donghae smirked. "You really have something going on with Yunho, don't you?"
Heechul shoot up his eyes. "What?! NO!"
"Haha! You're denying!" Eunhyuk giggled from beside Donghae.
Heechul hit Donghae on his head. "Shut up, you idiot."
"Heechul, be nice." Eeteuk said to him seriously. "Say what you want, but don't hit him."
Heechul sighed. "Why do you always defend all others, except me?"
Eeteuk opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by Yesung.
"It's true Teukie. The only ones you actually can be really mad at are Heechul hyung and Kangin."
"Yeah, and you only screaming at Kangin because he wants to have sex with you all the time." Kyuhyun finished.
Kangin then stood up, reached and grabbed Kyuhyun's collar.
"KANGIN!!" Eeteuk and Sungmin screamed, while the others laughed loudly.
Heechul smiled and looked out through the window again, when Hangeng pulled at his arm.
"Chul-ah..." Hangeng whispered.
Heechul looked at him. "What?"
"Is it really true that it's nothing between you and Yunho? You’ve been meeting him a lot lately."
Hangeng's question was quiet, so that absolutely no one else would hear and he looked at Heechul with serious eyes.
Heechul snorted and shrugged Hangeng of off him and looked out through the window again.
"Why would you care?" He answered, in normal tone.
*
Heechul, Kangin, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Sungmin, Yesung and Ryeowook stood all pressed outside Kyuhyun's and Sungmin's shared room and listen sharply through the door while holding their hands over their mouths to prevents themselves from laughing.
Kyuhyun was inside, giggling like a little girl while talking with someone on the phone.
Ryeowook who had just joined them tried his best to find a spot to eavesdrop as well.
"Who is he talking to?" Ryeowook whispered.
"Seriously think a little." Heechul said. "Who is the only person who can make Kyuhyun act like a nine-year-old kid?"
Ryeowook looked confused. "Well... In China he's alwa-"
"ZhouMi, yes." Kangin said. "Who else?"
"Aaaaah, yeah!" Ryeowook said loudly.
"Shhhhhh!!!" Yesung put his hand over Ryeowook's mouth.
They continued to listen, before the door opened quickly, making all of them landing in a pile on the floor.
Kyuhyun looked at them with a shocked expression, before his eyes turned dark and he started to kick them.
"Were you listening?!" he screamed.
There was a mixture of laugh and scream from the pile of boys.
Heechul and Kangin were the first two who managed to crawl up and stand, both smiling like mad.
"So... you're going to ZhouMi's place tonight?" Kangin smirked.
Kyuhyun looked at them furious.
"It's not hard to figure out who bottoms..." Heechul said. "Since you're acting like a little girl everytime you're around him, I bet you're the one who-"
Kyuhyun hit him on the head. "I'm NOT!" He said before he turned and walked away.
"He so bottoms." Kangin said meaningfully.
"Yeap!" Heechul said and they burst out into laughter again.
"Bye!" Kyuhyun screamed to the rest of the members after he'd grabbed his things and put on his shoes and jacket.
"Baai~" could be heard from here and there in the dorm.
"Use protection!" Heechul screamed after him.
"FUCK YOU!!" Kyuhyun screamed back, before he slammed the door behind him.
-
Dear Diary~
I can't do anything, I can't feel anything...
The only thing I think of is that idiot girl who’s with Hankyung.
Scenes of the two of them together play in repeat in my head.
He's at her place right now... probably fucking that whore senseless.
And here am I, alone in the dark, crying.
"Fuck this shit..." Heechul threw his dairy on the floor and lay down on his bed, tears running down his already wet cheeks.
comments are love~ :*
Pairings: HanChul <-- main, KangTeuk, EunHae (ninjas here and there)
Rating: PG-13 (changes)
Genre: Angst, humor
Summary: Heechul has loved Hangeng since pre-debut, but never said anything about it to anyone. Hiding all of his feelings is getting more and more difficult, as bad things happens and Heechul slowly starts building up a fake personality to cover up his depression. Is there a light at the end of the dark tunnel? Will there ever be a way for Heechul to be happy...
Disclaimer: I have a big bed that fits both dbsk and suju I do not own the boys... A/N: OK, so this has taken a very long time. I'm sorry, but I've been moving to my own apartment, so I haven't had the time to write. Heechul feels terrible, and hasn't the courage to be around Hangeng. But the members can make him happy... or can they?
"Is he going to stay for the rest of the week?"
Heechul could hear Junsu's voice dimly in his head.
"I don't know." It was Yunho. "But don't try to push out any answers from him, ok?"
"It's ok..." Heechul grunted as he opened his eyes, to see all the members from Dong Bang Shin Ki standing in the room, looking at him.
"Good morning!" Jaejoong said and sat down on the edge of his own bed, which Heechul had slept in.
"Are you ok, Heechul? You really look... well, not good." Junsu said.
Heechul smiled. "You can pretty much say that I hate me life right now."
Yunho moved and kneeled down beside Heechul. "Don't worry. It'll be alright."
Heechul smiled at him, but he didn't believe a word of ‘it will turn out alright’, because it never would.
"What happened?" Yoochun asked.
Changmin hit him on the arm and gave him a meaning look. "Don't ask him. It's none of our business."
Heechul sighed. "It's just my old love problems again." He sighed, and moved to get out of the bed and they all moved to sit down in the kitchen, where Jaejoong had prepared breakfast.
All the members of Dbsk understood that Heechul didn't really want to talk about his problems and let him sit in silence, eating his food while the rest of them fooled around as always.
Heechul loved that they were so understanding. They never asked a hundred questions about what was wrong and never dragged the answers out from him, they waited for Heechul himself to come and talk to them when he was ready.
After breakfast was ready Heechul helped Yunho to clean of the table.
"Yunho..." Heechul said while he sat down on a chair by the table. "I don't know if I can do this anymore..."
Yunho stopped wiping the table and sat down on the chair beside Heechul. "Can't do what?"
Heechul sighed. "I don't know... This... Hankyung… I can't take it any longer."
Yunho looked at him with understanding eyes and Heechul continued.
"Being around him all the time is really... I'm getting too emotional."
"Is it worse now than it has been before? Has something new happened?" Yunho asked.
Heechul nodded. "Yesterday was really a shock for me. Maybe I should quit Super Junior to get rid of him?"
Heechul snorted at what he himself said, but Yunho understood that it laid some truth in the words.
"Then..." Yunho said in a low voice. "What happened yesterday?"
Heechul looked down at the table and started to make circles with his fingers. "He has a girlfriend."
Yunho slammed his fist to the table and swore pretty loudly, which startled Heechul a little.
"Yunho?" Jaejoong's voice came from the bathroom. "What are you doing?!"
Yunho didn't bother answering and instead embraced Heechul in a big hug.
"I was afraid that it was something like that when I saw you so sad." he said softly into Heechul's ear.
Heechul felt his tears coming, he didn't want to cry again. He had cried all night until he fell asleep, that was really too much already. It wasn't wrong to cry, but Heechul hated it.
Right then Heechul got a text message from Eeteuk and read that they were on their way to pick him up now, so Heechul stood up and went to grab his bag.
When he went to the door to take on his shoes, Yunho stopped him.
"I don't want you to play happy in front of them when you're not."
Heechul looked up. "Play happy?"
Yunho looked at him. "I know how well you can hide your feelings, Chul. But I don't want you to hide the fact that you're sad to them. They’re your brothers."
Heechul sighed. "Why do you know everything about me?" he smiled weakly at Yunho.
"Because I'm your best friend?" Yunho said and gave Heechul a hug again.
Heechul looked at him. "I can't show them how I feel." he said. "If I do they will be worried and ask me hundreds of questions about what's wrong, and I can't really say to either of them that I love Hankyung. I don't want them to know the truth or be worried about me, ok?"
Yunho sighed. "But I think you should at least tell Jungsoo hyung."
"That guy has too many problems already, so no thank you." Heechul said and opened the door.
"I'll call you when the schedule's finished ok?" He said to Yunho, then shouted good buys to the others.
"Ok, good bye. Just call if you want to stay here tonight as well." Yunho said. "You know that you can come anytime you want."
"I know. Good bye!"
-
When Heechul had stepped into Super Junior’s minibus, everyone stared at him with questioned looks. But Heechul didn't say anything and smiled happily at them before he went back to sit beside Hangeng.
"Where did you go last night?" Hangeng asked Heechul, looking at him worryingly. "You just disappeared."
Heechul felt his heart beat extra hard for a second, it hurt. "Um, Yunho called and said he wanted to meet me." Heechul said with the happiest voice he could make. "It was urgent."
Hangeng looked at him, but Heechul didn't lift his face. If he saw Hangeng in his eyes right now - he would start to cry.
-
The day went past smoothly as usual and no one noticed anything wrong with Heechul at all. When they sat on the bus on their way back to the dorm, Heechul thanked God that he'd taken all those actor lessons and drama roles - because apparently he was very good at it.
"Hyung! Hyung! Where you at DBSK's place yesterday?" Donghae suddenly screamed and tried to reach forward to Heechul who was sitting at the other end of the bus.
All eyes turned to face Heechul because of Donghae's loud voice, even Siwon who sat beside the driver.
Heechul looked at them. "How... what? Yeah, I was. So? Got a problem?"
Donghae smirked. "You really have something going on with Yunho, don't you?"
Heechul shoot up his eyes. "What?! NO!"
"Haha! You're denying!" Eunhyuk giggled from beside Donghae.
Heechul hit Donghae on his head. "Shut up, you idiot."
"Heechul, be nice." Eeteuk said to him seriously. "Say what you want, but don't hit him."
Heechul sighed. "Why do you always defend all others, except me?"
Eeteuk opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by Yesung.
"It's true Teukie. The only ones you actually can be really mad at are Heechul hyung and Kangin."
"Yeah, and you only screaming at Kangin because he wants to have sex with you all the time." Kyuhyun finished.
Kangin then stood up, reached and grabbed Kyuhyun's collar.
"KANGIN!!" Eeteuk and Sungmin screamed, while the others laughed loudly.
Heechul smiled and looked out through the window again, when Hangeng pulled at his arm.
"Chul-ah..." Hangeng whispered.
Heechul looked at him. "What?"
"Is it really true that it's nothing between you and Yunho? You’ve been meeting him a lot lately."
Hangeng's question was quiet, so that absolutely no one else would hear and he looked at Heechul with serious eyes.
Heechul snorted and shrugged Hangeng of off him and looked out through the window again.
"Why would you care?" He answered, in normal tone.
*
Heechul, Kangin, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Sungmin, Yesung and Ryeowook stood all pressed outside Kyuhyun's and Sungmin's shared room and listen sharply through the door while holding their hands over their mouths to prevents themselves from laughing.
Kyuhyun was inside, giggling like a little girl while talking with someone on the phone.
Ryeowook who had just joined them tried his best to find a spot to eavesdrop as well.
"Who is he talking to?" Ryeowook whispered.
"Seriously think a little." Heechul said. "Who is the only person who can make Kyuhyun act like a nine-year-old kid?"
Ryeowook looked confused. "Well... In China he's alwa-"
"ZhouMi, yes." Kangin said. "Who else?"
"Aaaaah, yeah!" Ryeowook said loudly.
"Shhhhhh!!!" Yesung put his hand over Ryeowook's mouth.
They continued to listen, before the door opened quickly, making all of them landing in a pile on the floor.
Kyuhyun looked at them with a shocked expression, before his eyes turned dark and he started to kick them.
"Were you listening?!" he screamed.
There was a mixture of laugh and scream from the pile of boys.
Heechul and Kangin were the first two who managed to crawl up and stand, both smiling like mad.
"So... you're going to ZhouMi's place tonight?" Kangin smirked.
Kyuhyun looked at them furious.
"It's not hard to figure out who bottoms..." Heechul said. "Since you're acting like a little girl everytime you're around him, I bet you're the one who-"
Kyuhyun hit him on the head. "I'm NOT!" He said before he turned and walked away.
"He so bottoms." Kangin said meaningfully.
"Yeap!" Heechul said and they burst out into laughter again.
"Bye!" Kyuhyun screamed to the rest of the members after he'd grabbed his things and put on his shoes and jacket.
"Baai~" could be heard from here and there in the dorm.
"Use protection!" Heechul screamed after him.
"FUCK YOU!!" Kyuhyun screamed back, before he slammed the door behind him.
-
Dear Diary~
I can't do anything, I can't feel anything...
The only thing I think of is that idiot girl who’s with Hankyung.
Scenes of the two of them together play in repeat in my head.
He's at her place right now... probably fucking that whore senseless.
And here am I, alone in the dark, crying.
"Fuck this shit..." Heechul threw his dairy on the floor and lay down on his bed, tears running down his already wet cheeks.
comments are love~ :*