My life, or so it seems
Take the time to talk to me and relize that I always seem to make it out that I am depressed. That's a lie. Talk to me about what it is that makes me happy and be prepared to listen to me talk non-stop about Jon. Get me off the topic of Jon, and listen to me go on for hours about my personal nigger, Tionna. There are so many things in my life that make me happy, I'm just not very good at expressing it. Sure I get depressed. Christ knows that everyone does. Yes I've lost my share of good friends because of extenuating circumstances, but that does not make me depressed as much as it use to. Taking the time to relize how many wonderful things I have going for me right now erases all the bad. My hope for the rest of my life is focusing on the now. Not the past, not the future, but truly relishing in the now. I grow truly weary of the shit that goes on in the world. I want to try to not only focus solely on the good. After a long and somewhat irritating talk with Jon, it suddenly hit me. I'm not as depressed as I try to make it out to be. Is it my fault tht I can't express pure joy and that it always comes out as me being content. . .
That's a fault of mine right there. I don't like showing emotion to others. I'm always afraid that it will come out as me being weak minded and at a lose of control in the situation. I need control, another of my hugest faults. The instant I lose control of a situation I freak out. Can't beathe, can't think straight. That's when I'm the most vunerable and I hate that feeling. Which makes me wonder why in the world I am typing in this as we speak. I suppose it's the best way for me to get out my emotions. If other people read how I am it always makes for a better getaway in the end. I can always avoid them and their comments. It gives me a sense of control in the situation. There I go with that control again. To put it in perspective I could be dictator of the world and absolutely control every aspect of everyone's life and still crave for more. I like to live life on my terms.
In a way I guess that's much like everyone else in the world, but I take it to an extreme. Which is why Jon is so perfect for me in tht sense. He's not letting me have control and I absolutely hate it, but I know in the same way that it is for te better. In the end I will come out a better person. Now don't get me wrong. He does not control my life, in fact I made that point VERY clear when he made the mistake of telling me I had to read this book. Stop right there. You never tell me I HAVE to do anything. That angers me to no end. In the end he just relized he worded entirely wrong. I can't argue ith that. He apologized and I calmed down enough to relize he was right though. I should read that book. I need to change to better myself, not change for anyone else.
Which is why I am going to fight tooth and nail for this next change. Well, not tooth and nail and not to the point of being an ass about it either. Aparently he wants me to be a neat and organized person, which is all fine and dandy. I feel as though he fails to grasp the concept that I've lived with this for 18 years. That's a lot of reworking. For every single time you do something wrong you have to do it 10 times to rework it. So he has 180 years to go in that sense. I'm not ready to change though. I love the way I am. I love being me; however, I love him enough to allow him to try and change me no matter how much I despise it. I guess he's just lucky in that sense.
Enough prosing for right now. A little about my day. Well, I woke up sick so I called out of work. Well, I was sick yesterday and was still sick this morning I guess. My car was still at work since I was so sick I could'nt drive home yesterday. on stopped by after school for a quickie and to drive me to my car. Rather uneventful so far but the day is young. I'm going to a party tonight, which he claims will be a load of fun. I suppose it will be. I'm not sure though considering I am a misanthrope by nature. What can I say, I have a lot of issues. Issues that I am now trying to work through.
That's a fault of mine right there. I don't like showing emotion to others. I'm always afraid that it will come out as me being weak minded and at a lose of control in the situation. I need control, another of my hugest faults. The instant I lose control of a situation I freak out. Can't beathe, can't think straight. That's when I'm the most vunerable and I hate that feeling. Which makes me wonder why in the world I am typing in this as we speak. I suppose it's the best way for me to get out my emotions. If other people read how I am it always makes for a better getaway in the end. I can always avoid them and their comments. It gives me a sense of control in the situation. There I go with that control again. To put it in perspective I could be dictator of the world and absolutely control every aspect of everyone's life and still crave for more. I like to live life on my terms.
In a way I guess that's much like everyone else in the world, but I take it to an extreme. Which is why Jon is so perfect for me in tht sense. He's not letting me have control and I absolutely hate it, but I know in the same way that it is for te better. In the end I will come out a better person. Now don't get me wrong. He does not control my life, in fact I made that point VERY clear when he made the mistake of telling me I had to read this book. Stop right there. You never tell me I HAVE to do anything. That angers me to no end. In the end he just relized he worded entirely wrong. I can't argue ith that. He apologized and I calmed down enough to relize he was right though. I should read that book. I need to change to better myself, not change for anyone else.
Which is why I am going to fight tooth and nail for this next change. Well, not tooth and nail and not to the point of being an ass about it either. Aparently he wants me to be a neat and organized person, which is all fine and dandy. I feel as though he fails to grasp the concept that I've lived with this for 18 years. That's a lot of reworking. For every single time you do something wrong you have to do it 10 times to rework it. So he has 180 years to go in that sense. I'm not ready to change though. I love the way I am. I love being me; however, I love him enough to allow him to try and change me no matter how much I despise it. I guess he's just lucky in that sense.
Enough prosing for right now. A little about my day. Well, I woke up sick so I called out of work. Well, I was sick yesterday and was still sick this morning I guess. My car was still at work since I was so sick I could'nt drive home yesterday. on stopped by after school for a quickie and to drive me to my car. Rather uneventful so far but the day is young. I'm going to a party tonight, which he claims will be a load of fun. I suppose it will be. I'm not sure though considering I am a misanthrope by nature. What can I say, I have a lot of issues. Issues that I am now trying to work through.