(no subject)
So. Yeah. I'm so tired of kirking out like I do. One day, man. One day and I'll be ok. One day I won't b such a pain in the ass to all those around me. As I stated in a previous entry I woke up feeling abnormaly depressed, like my life has no meaning. As though my soul was empty. I think I may have pin pointed it. As I also stated the trouble started once Jon actually left. I was fine when I first woke up. It was the instant he left my room that it was filled with the dread. The dread of spending a day doing nothing. Which is what it would have been. Me awake from 8 until 4, a full fricking work day in which I do nothing but sit and watch TV. Possibly plat some computer. It's just ridiculous. I really have that little of a life when I can't find someone to be around for a few hours before work. Without my cell phone of numbers the task is more impossible. So what do I do, go and talk to my Mommy. Mommy makes all better. We went out shopping. She bought me pants, two bras, and a bunny duck. It made me feel so much better.
Then we got home and I felt worthless again. nothing to do before work. luckily they called me in early so i perked up a bit, that is until I got to work, saw Jon's emotionless face, and felt down again. I can't describe it. The feeling I get when he basically look right through me. granted we must keep things at a professional level but hot damn. At least look happy that I stopped in the back to see you no matter what the reason was. I know he cares but sometimes I wish he would show it more although I'm not even sure HOW he could show me he cares any more than he already does. Am I really just that needy? Sad thing is I am. I am entirely dependant on other people's emotions and their reactions to me. Whenever one thing get's thrown out of whack my hole life jsut crumbles. One of these days I should voercome that but for now I'm a bit comfortable that way.
In some sick sad way I love the attention it draws to me. I lvoe being in people's thoughts whether it be for me being a bitch, a crazzy psycho emo kid, or because they care. I guess I don't want to be forgotten. In a way I guess if they are thinking about me they must care in their own special way but the degree of caring will vary with the different emotions. I'm just kind of crazy like that.
Wanna know something weirder? I'm perfectly content now. The instant he said he would call me back I totally calmed down. WTF? I mean come the poop on. I'm so head over heels for him it's not funny. I guess the bggest problem is that well, with Zach every minute I could find of my free time I would spend it either with him or doing something for him. With Jon I gained so much time it's not even funny. Not that I don't do things for him or see him but because there is just less free time on his part. I don't know. it's so frigging frustrating.
And to make matters worse worked sucked so bad. Then again it is work so that is to be expected. And my frigging tanzen hurts. I wanna cry.
Then we got home and I felt worthless again. nothing to do before work. luckily they called me in early so i perked up a bit, that is until I got to work, saw Jon's emotionless face, and felt down again. I can't describe it. The feeling I get when he basically look right through me. granted we must keep things at a professional level but hot damn. At least look happy that I stopped in the back to see you no matter what the reason was. I know he cares but sometimes I wish he would show it more although I'm not even sure HOW he could show me he cares any more than he already does. Am I really just that needy? Sad thing is I am. I am entirely dependant on other people's emotions and their reactions to me. Whenever one thing get's thrown out of whack my hole life jsut crumbles. One of these days I should voercome that but for now I'm a bit comfortable that way.
In some sick sad way I love the attention it draws to me. I lvoe being in people's thoughts whether it be for me being a bitch, a crazzy psycho emo kid, or because they care. I guess I don't want to be forgotten. In a way I guess if they are thinking about me they must care in their own special way but the degree of caring will vary with the different emotions. I'm just kind of crazy like that.
Wanna know something weirder? I'm perfectly content now. The instant he said he would call me back I totally calmed down. WTF? I mean come the poop on. I'm so head over heels for him it's not funny. I guess the bggest problem is that well, with Zach every minute I could find of my free time I would spend it either with him or doing something for him. With Jon I gained so much time it's not even funny. Not that I don't do things for him or see him but because there is just less free time on his part. I don't know. it's so frigging frustrating.
And to make matters worse worked sucked so bad. Then again it is work so that is to be expected. And my frigging tanzen hurts. I wanna cry.