A Letter to Santa (xmas oneshot)
Title: A Letter to Santa
Featuring: Kim Junsu, Kim Jaejoong
Rating: G
Summar: A young boy writes a letter to Santa on Christmas Eve.
Author's Note: This oneshot was written in December 2007 for a DBSK Xmas writing challenge. This was the first full-length oneshot I've ever written. Won 1st place with this in the end. Enjoy. :)
A Letter to Santa
Original one-shot written by Yumi-Jae
Darkness that filled the night sky still said that it was night, but it was actually almost dawn. The stars that decorated the night sky were disappearing while the moon was slowly being replaced with the morning sun that rose from the horizon. Every child in the city of Seoul was deep in their slumbers. They slept soundly to the warmth of their beds, having sweet dreams of great Christmas gifts they think they would receive from Santa Claus in the next two mornings. Every child was asleep…
Every child but one.
Little Junsu was wide awake while the others in his home were deep in sleep like the rest of the city. The six-year-old boy’s eyes were bloodshot red; evidence of a whole night’s lack of sleep. Usually, the young boy would have been tired by the time the clock struck ten but tonight, it was different. Tonight, little Junsu had a mission to do. A mission he was determined to finish tonight. He told himself that as soon as the morning sun beamed through his bedroom window, he would have finished the letter and then he would run to the nearest postbox to have it delivered.
But it was easier said than done.
He looked around his table and let out a soft sigh. Balls of scrunched up paper filled the messy table and Junsu was sure his older brother would tell him to clean it up as soon as he wakes up. The table was in between two single beds in a room he and his older brother shared. The table actually belonged to his brother and their mother insisted that they shared it because she had no money to buy another one for Junsu. In normal situations, children would protest and complain about the inconvenience that they would face when something was shared. But his brother was different. His older brother just smiled and nodded his head in agreement when they bought the table.
The young boy shifted his eyes to his brother who slept next to him. His brother’s face was pure white, reminding Junsu of the soft snow that blanketed the frozen streets outside and his skin seemed to glow with his rosy cheeks. His brother’s face seemed flawless to Junsu until he noticed the light purple bruises that pooled beneath his brother’s eyes.
Tears began to well up in Junsu’s eyes and threatened to fall as he remembered what happened. The incident that took place a few hours before replayed in Junsu’s head again and again like strips of film on repeat. Little Junsu ignored the tears that streamed down his cheeks and started to write on a piece of paper for the umpteenth time.
‘Dear Santa,’ started the letter, in the shaky handwriting of a small hand, just starting its long journey on the road to words, ‘How are you? This is Kim Junsu writing to you again. I have been a good boy this year. I listened to Mommy and big brother and did everything they told me to do, I helped Mommy take out rubbish, I helped Hyojung from next door finish her homework, I never told any lies, I didn’t cry all year, I never killed any ants or insects and I even helped an old grandma cross the road.
I hope I’m not on your list of naughty children, Santa. But I don’t want any toys this year. All I want is a box of band-aids. I want to use them for my big brother, Jaejoong who always get these purple bruises every time he comes back to our room from outside. I asked him where he got them from. He said Mommy gave them to him. Then I asked him why would Mommy do that? He said it is because Mommy always drinks this juice that smells funny after Mommy and Daddy fight.’
Another tear cascaded down Junsu’s cheek and he hastily wiped it away with the sleeve of his pajamas. ‘It wasn’t like this last time, Santa. Last time, Jaejoong used to smile more and Mommy didn’t drink that smelly purple juice and both, Daddy and Mommy always tuck both of us to sleep every night. But things start to change when Mommy, big brother and I saw Daddy with another Auntie when we went out shopping one day. After that, when she asked where Daddy was that day, he lied to Mommy that he was working. I remember they had a big fight that day.
Daddy always came back late after that. When I ask Mommy, she says that Daddy has a lot of work to do and that was when she started drinking. Mommy started to drink only one glass after Jaejoong and I went to bed. A few nights after that, she started to drink two or three glasses and then finally a whole bottle was gone every time Jaejoong and I wake up the next morning. Mommy started to yell a lot after drinking that juice. She was always angry and hits Jaejoong for looking a lot like Daddy. And, just now, Mommy was going to hit me for having Daddy’s eyes but big brother protected me. He got hit quite badly because of that. I love my big brother so much, Santa. If you ever ask me who I would turn to if I felt that the sky was falling, I would say big brother. He's everything to me, Santa.
And that is why I hope the band-aids help. I hope the band-aids will help big brother heal the purple bruises he has under his eye now. I know my family sounds naughty, Santa. But they’re very good people actually. They just had forgotten for a while. I’m sure after I get those band-aids from you; things will be the same again. Daddy would come back just in time to tuck in Jaejoong and I, and Mommy would be smiling again.
Oh! I forgot! Can I get two boxes of band-aids, Santa? One more for Mommy. I just remembered that she always complains about how much her broken heart hurts. I'm sorry if I sound greedy... and I think that’s all for now. Bye, Santa. I hope you get this letter and remember the band-aids please. Thank you.’
Thus, the letter ended. Signed and slipped into an envelope.
On the envelope, little Junsu carefully wrote Santa’s name and the address he got from his favorite cartoon on the television the day before. He smiled and picked up the envelope with his small hands.
“There, all done.”
“Done what?”
The sudden voice frightened little Junsu and he quickly hid his precious letter under his pillow.
He could not let his brother see it!
Jaejoong rubbed his eyes wearily and winced at the pain when he realized that he got a bruise beneath his eye. He stifled a yawn and looked at the clock on the table. It read 6.30a.m. He turned to Junsu, puzzled on why his younger brother was up so early. “Junsu, what are you doing so early in the morning?”
Little Junsu shook his head vigorously and he had his palms out, shaking from right to left as he answered, “N-Nothing!”
Jaejoong looked away from Junsu and at the table next to him. “Then what’s all these paper on the table for?”
“I-I-I was just writing a letter!” Junsu stuttered. He didn’t want to. It was a natural reaction when he was nervous or feeling shy. He then realized that he had slipped when he told Jaejoong that he was writing a letter. Junsu covered his mouth with his hands with shock.
That made Jaejoong even more puzzled. “To whom?”
Junsu did not know what to say. He could not tell his brother that he was writing a letter to Santa! Jaejoong stopped believing in Santa many years ago and he was sure that Jaejoong would laugh at him if he knew! Junsu was tongue-tied and the curious stares that Jaejoong was giving him did not help. Then suddenly, he saw a look of realization on Jaejoong’s face.
Don’t tell me big brother knows! Junsu panicked as he watched Jaejoong’s lips turn into a playful, evil smile.
“I know who you’re writing to, Ducky.”
Ducky was Junsu’s nickname given by Jaejoong ever since his older brother found out that he, Kim Junsu loved ducks. His favorite bedtime story was ‘The Ugly Duckling’. He loved the part when the ugly duckling finally turned into a swan in the end. He remembered he was so happy that he cried when he heard it for the first time from his mother. He also remembered asking his mother to read him that story every night before he went to bed and Jaejoong would always whine how boring that story was.
Obviously upset and the letter totally out of mind, Junsu retorted, “Why must you always call me Ducky? It sounds girly, big brother.”
Jaejoong let out a laugh and pinched Junsu’s chubby cheeks. “Because you look like a Ducky, that’s why.” He smiled. “And I know you like Hyojung too. You’re writing her a love letter, aren’t you?”
Junsu’s eyes became wide with shock and that was when Jaejoong knew his guesses were right. Jaejoong laughed some more as he watched Junsu’s face turn slightly pink with embarrassment.
Little Junsu did not know how Jaejoong knew about Hyojung but he hoped that his big brother would not tell anyone about it. And, Junsu was going to let Jaejoong think that the letter was for Hyojung and no one else. It was a secret that only Junsu knew and he intended to keep it that way. When he receives the band-aids from Santa, Junsu would surprise his big brother with them.
Big brother would be happy to see the gift and he’ll know how much I appreciate him. Then everything would be back to normal again. Junsu smiled at the thought.
Junsu planned his day in his mind, not paying any attention to Jaejoong who continued teasing him about the love letter and Hyojung.
One, Junsu would make breakfast for himself later. A toast would be good enough. Two, after breakfast, he would go out to send the letter to the postbox to have it delivered to Santa before his mother wakes up. Then, he would have to wait for Christmas which was coming in the next two days to receive the gift.
Perfect, just perfect! A grin formed on Junsu’s lips as he thought of his brilliant plan.
The morning sun seeped through the blinds of the bedroom window, announcing the start of Christmas Eve. Junsu could also hear the birds chirping cheerily outside.
It was a beautiful day and Kim Junsu was ready for it.
*~*~*~*~*
Kim Junsu blinked open his eyes and rolled over onto his side to look at the clock on his bedside table. Bright sunshine streamed in through the drapes of his window, and he had to squint to read the time.
Seven forty-five.
He stretched his arms over his head and stared at the ceiling, running a hand through his grubby hair as he tried to wake up. He then took a look at the world outside through his window and had to smile. White puffs decorated the clear blue sky and it was evident that yesterday's news on weather had been accurate. The great weather was a great start for...
Junsu's smile disappeared when he realized what today was.
24th December, Christmas Eve.
Instantly, grief started to haunt him like it always did every year since he was six. It had been fifteen years now and one would think that that grief would lessen throughout the years. But it didn't. It just got worse every year. And this year was the worst of all. Junsu knew he would never forget what happened exactly fifteen years ago on this day.
He would never forget to remember today.
His heart shattered as he glanced at the framed picture that hung on the wall in front of him. Two young boys stared back at him, mocking him with the big grins on their faces. The younger one was on the older one's back with his arm around his neck while the other was trying hard to balance the weight of his younger brother on top of him. The picture was slowly eating away his sanity and Junsu felt as if he was going to fall into an endless pit of darkness.
But this time, with no hand reaching out to save him.
A silent tear grazed his cheeks as he stumbled out of bed and slowly dragged himself towards the picture. Sorrow and despair tugged at his heart and he fought hard not to fall on his knees and start shouting cries of agony and pain.
"Big Brother..." he whispered.
More tears stained his face as he struggled to clear the lump in his throat.
"Why did you have to go? Why?"
All Junsu can ask now is 'why?'.
Why did Jaejoong have to take his own life?
Why did Jaejoong have to take his own life to save his younger brother's?
He stared at the picture on the wall and started talking to no one particular.
"Big brother, was there something I could do to save you from myself? Was there something I could do to stop you when the car came speeding towards me? Yes, there was. I should have believed in you when you said that Santa didn't exist in the first place. I should have thought of a better way to help before I wrote that letter. I should have thrown the letter away when I had the chance. I should have insisted that I could go to the post office on my own when you offered to walk me there. There were so many things that I should have done but never did..."
Junsu leaned his back on the wall and slid down to the floor when he felt his strength slowly slipping away from him. He hugged his knees, trying to comfort himself and soothe the pain of his throbbing heart. Junsu never got the chance to send that letter in the end and he never got the band-aids either. And what's worse was the letter cost him his beloved brother's life.
Junsu remembered how lovely and great that day was. The weather wasn't chilly; in fact, it was warm for a winter day. He remembered the tight but warm grip he had on Jaejoong’s hand as they walked down the street hand in hand to the post office. When they were crossing the street to the other side, Junsu remembered dropping his letter and went down to retrieve it. After that, there was the loud honk and the screech of tires when he felt himself being pushed to the side. Junsu remembered the blinding color of crimson red all over his big brother's face. He could never forget the smell of rusting copper that were all over him and Jaejoong when they were on their way to the hospital in the ambulance car. He could never bring himself to forget the desperate yearning he had for the slightest bit of warmth from Jaejoong’s body.
The memory was so vivid in his mind that he knew he could do nothing to erase it.
The power of grief was greater than ever as he reminisced on the happy times they shared together. The times when they would wrestle to see who was stronger. The times when they would argue when their opinions collided with one another. The times when they laughed over the silly things others did. The times when they slept next to each other, sharing the same bed when Junsu was feeling scared on cold nights. The times when they knew that they understood how each other thought and felt without saying a word.
Junsu wiped his tears with the back of his hand and stood up to face the faded picture on the wall. The pair of expressive eyes that his big brother had was staring back at him, telling him that it was time…
It was time to let go.
"Big brother, I miss you so much that it kills me inside. I’ve been so lonely now because I don’t have you to talk to. You were the only one that I felt who understood me completely. You understood my pain because it was yours as well. You were my role model. You were everything I ever dreamed of being. You were always there when I needed someone to talk to. You had always been my shoulder to cry on. But more importantly, you were my big brother."
A faint smile formed on Junsu's lips as he continued, "Even though it drives me crazy just thinking about you, please know that I will always love you and don't forget me when we see each other again. I really want to say sorry but I know you wouldn't like that. You would hate it. So I'm not going to apologize. Instead, I'll say 'thank you'. Thank you for teaching me how to love and appreciate people in life. Thank you for showering me love and care when Mom had forgotten to. Thank you for everything you did for me. And most of all, thank you for being such a great brother. "
Junsu closed his eyes and listened to the silence in the air around him. He wanted to hear his brother’s last words for one last time. For one last time before he could let go.
I’ll wait for you at the gates of heaven…
Those were the words that left Junsu speechless as he heard Jaejoong breathed his last breath. Those were the words that brought the last stab to Junsu’s already bleeding heart as he watched his brother slip away from life. Those were the words that brought Junsu so much sorrow throughout the years.
All these years, Junsu knew that till the last second of Jaejoong’s life, his brother still thought of him. Jaejoong still cared about Junsu more than himself. His big brother was selfless till the very end. These thoughts used to break Junsu’s heart every time 24th December arrived. These thoughts used to bring so much guilt that Junsu felt it was hard to breathe every time the scene was reborn in his mind.
Yet, why did it not affect his emotions right now?
The reason was simple.
Because Junsu was going to start to get used to a new life.
A new life where Junsu would smile when he thought of his big brother.
Because that was what his brother would want him to do.
A new life where Junsu would laugh without a care for the whole world.
Because that way, he could forever remember his brother’s laughter.
A new life where Junsu would treasure every moment of it.
Because he knew it was best gift given from his brother.
Junsu took a piece of paper, picked up a pen and started to write.
‘Dear Santa,’ it started. ‘How have you been? It’s been years since I last wrote to you. I never got to send you that letter on the band-aids. Let’s just say, something life-changing happened that day and since then, I didn’t have the chance to send it to you. But I will, together with this letter. I don’t want any gifts from you anymore, Santa because I already have the best gift in the world. All I want from you now is a favor.
Can you help me pass this letter to my big brother? His name is Kim Jaejoong and he’s currently waiting for me at the front gates of heaven. I want to let him know that I’m fine and he could go on into heaven without me. Tell him that I’ll meet up with him in another 50 years.
Thank you, Santa. You’re a great help. And this maybe the last time I’m writing to you. I mean, you do know that it’s embarrassing for a 21-year-old man to write to you right? Thank you once again and take care, Santa. Also, for all the trouble you’ll have to go through to send this letter to big brother, I’ll leave this poem as a small compensation. I hope you’ll like it.
The ring of jingle bells,
That was the time when snow fell,
The cheerful melody brought excitement to my cells,
Not only for me, but for all as well.
Lost, I was when my big brother disappeared,
No longer around to love and care for me here,
My heart was stabbed with the horn of a deer,
And every night I was tormented with fear.
If I had known, I wished I had one last goodbye,
Or I wouldn’t have suffered as the years go by,
If I said I wasn’t sad, that would be a lie,
Because I hated to see my brother fly away into the sky.
Sorrowful I may be, as I watched him part,
But that did not matter because now, I have a brand new start,
Although our worlds may be far apart,
He will forever remain alive in my heart.’
With that, the letter ended. And just like many years before, it was signed and sealed into an envelope. A genuine smile formed onto Junsu’s lips as he held the letter in his hand.
He had finally learned how to let go.
This was finally the end.
This was finally the end to all his sufferings.
And he knew that this ‘end’ was the start of something great.
This ‘end’ was the start of many happy beginnings.
-End
Featuring: Kim Junsu, Kim Jaejoong
Rating: G
Summar: A young boy writes a letter to Santa on Christmas Eve.
Author's Note: This oneshot was written in December 2007 for a DBSK Xmas writing challenge. This was the first full-length oneshot I've ever written. Won 1st place with this in the end. Enjoy. :)
A Letter to Santa
Original one-shot written by Yumi-Jae
Darkness that filled the night sky still said that it was night, but it was actually almost dawn. The stars that decorated the night sky were disappearing while the moon was slowly being replaced with the morning sun that rose from the horizon. Every child in the city of Seoul was deep in their slumbers. They slept soundly to the warmth of their beds, having sweet dreams of great Christmas gifts they think they would receive from Santa Claus in the next two mornings. Every child was asleep…
Every child but one.
Little Junsu was wide awake while the others in his home were deep in sleep like the rest of the city. The six-year-old boy’s eyes were bloodshot red; evidence of a whole night’s lack of sleep. Usually, the young boy would have been tired by the time the clock struck ten but tonight, it was different. Tonight, little Junsu had a mission to do. A mission he was determined to finish tonight. He told himself that as soon as the morning sun beamed through his bedroom window, he would have finished the letter and then he would run to the nearest postbox to have it delivered.
But it was easier said than done.
He looked around his table and let out a soft sigh. Balls of scrunched up paper filled the messy table and Junsu was sure his older brother would tell him to clean it up as soon as he wakes up. The table was in between two single beds in a room he and his older brother shared. The table actually belonged to his brother and their mother insisted that they shared it because she had no money to buy another one for Junsu. In normal situations, children would protest and complain about the inconvenience that they would face when something was shared. But his brother was different. His older brother just smiled and nodded his head in agreement when they bought the table.
The young boy shifted his eyes to his brother who slept next to him. His brother’s face was pure white, reminding Junsu of the soft snow that blanketed the frozen streets outside and his skin seemed to glow with his rosy cheeks. His brother’s face seemed flawless to Junsu until he noticed the light purple bruises that pooled beneath his brother’s eyes.
Tears began to well up in Junsu’s eyes and threatened to fall as he remembered what happened. The incident that took place a few hours before replayed in Junsu’s head again and again like strips of film on repeat. Little Junsu ignored the tears that streamed down his cheeks and started to write on a piece of paper for the umpteenth time.
‘Dear Santa,’ started the letter, in the shaky handwriting of a small hand, just starting its long journey on the road to words, ‘How are you? This is Kim Junsu writing to you again. I have been a good boy this year. I listened to Mommy and big brother and did everything they told me to do, I helped Mommy take out rubbish, I helped Hyojung from next door finish her homework, I never told any lies, I didn’t cry all year, I never killed any ants or insects and I even helped an old grandma cross the road.
I hope I’m not on your list of naughty children, Santa. But I don’t want any toys this year. All I want is a box of band-aids. I want to use them for my big brother, Jaejoong who always get these purple bruises every time he comes back to our room from outside. I asked him where he got them from. He said Mommy gave them to him. Then I asked him why would Mommy do that? He said it is because Mommy always drinks this juice that smells funny after Mommy and Daddy fight.’
Another tear cascaded down Junsu’s cheek and he hastily wiped it away with the sleeve of his pajamas. ‘It wasn’t like this last time, Santa. Last time, Jaejoong used to smile more and Mommy didn’t drink that smelly purple juice and both, Daddy and Mommy always tuck both of us to sleep every night. But things start to change when Mommy, big brother and I saw Daddy with another Auntie when we went out shopping one day. After that, when she asked where Daddy was that day, he lied to Mommy that he was working. I remember they had a big fight that day.
Daddy always came back late after that. When I ask Mommy, she says that Daddy has a lot of work to do and that was when she started drinking. Mommy started to drink only one glass after Jaejoong and I went to bed. A few nights after that, she started to drink two or three glasses and then finally a whole bottle was gone every time Jaejoong and I wake up the next morning. Mommy started to yell a lot after drinking that juice. She was always angry and hits Jaejoong for looking a lot like Daddy. And, just now, Mommy was going to hit me for having Daddy’s eyes but big brother protected me. He got hit quite badly because of that. I love my big brother so much, Santa. If you ever ask me who I would turn to if I felt that the sky was falling, I would say big brother. He's everything to me, Santa.
And that is why I hope the band-aids help. I hope the band-aids will help big brother heal the purple bruises he has under his eye now. I know my family sounds naughty, Santa. But they’re very good people actually. They just had forgotten for a while. I’m sure after I get those band-aids from you; things will be the same again. Daddy would come back just in time to tuck in Jaejoong and I, and Mommy would be smiling again.
Oh! I forgot! Can I get two boxes of band-aids, Santa? One more for Mommy. I just remembered that she always complains about how much her broken heart hurts. I'm sorry if I sound greedy... and I think that’s all for now. Bye, Santa. I hope you get this letter and remember the band-aids please. Thank you.’
Thus, the letter ended. Signed and slipped into an envelope.
On the envelope, little Junsu carefully wrote Santa’s name and the address he got from his favorite cartoon on the television the day before. He smiled and picked up the envelope with his small hands.
“There, all done.”
“Done what?”
The sudden voice frightened little Junsu and he quickly hid his precious letter under his pillow.
He could not let his brother see it!
Jaejoong rubbed his eyes wearily and winced at the pain when he realized that he got a bruise beneath his eye. He stifled a yawn and looked at the clock on the table. It read 6.30a.m. He turned to Junsu, puzzled on why his younger brother was up so early. “Junsu, what are you doing so early in the morning?”
Little Junsu shook his head vigorously and he had his palms out, shaking from right to left as he answered, “N-Nothing!”
Jaejoong looked away from Junsu and at the table next to him. “Then what’s all these paper on the table for?”
“I-I-I was just writing a letter!” Junsu stuttered. He didn’t want to. It was a natural reaction when he was nervous or feeling shy. He then realized that he had slipped when he told Jaejoong that he was writing a letter. Junsu covered his mouth with his hands with shock.
That made Jaejoong even more puzzled. “To whom?”
Junsu did not know what to say. He could not tell his brother that he was writing a letter to Santa! Jaejoong stopped believing in Santa many years ago and he was sure that Jaejoong would laugh at him if he knew! Junsu was tongue-tied and the curious stares that Jaejoong was giving him did not help. Then suddenly, he saw a look of realization on Jaejoong’s face.
Don’t tell me big brother knows! Junsu panicked as he watched Jaejoong’s lips turn into a playful, evil smile.
“I know who you’re writing to, Ducky.”
Ducky was Junsu’s nickname given by Jaejoong ever since his older brother found out that he, Kim Junsu loved ducks. His favorite bedtime story was ‘The Ugly Duckling’. He loved the part when the ugly duckling finally turned into a swan in the end. He remembered he was so happy that he cried when he heard it for the first time from his mother. He also remembered asking his mother to read him that story every night before he went to bed and Jaejoong would always whine how boring that story was.
Obviously upset and the letter totally out of mind, Junsu retorted, “Why must you always call me Ducky? It sounds girly, big brother.”
Jaejoong let out a laugh and pinched Junsu’s chubby cheeks. “Because you look like a Ducky, that’s why.” He smiled. “And I know you like Hyojung too. You’re writing her a love letter, aren’t you?”
Junsu’s eyes became wide with shock and that was when Jaejoong knew his guesses were right. Jaejoong laughed some more as he watched Junsu’s face turn slightly pink with embarrassment.
Little Junsu did not know how Jaejoong knew about Hyojung but he hoped that his big brother would not tell anyone about it. And, Junsu was going to let Jaejoong think that the letter was for Hyojung and no one else. It was a secret that only Junsu knew and he intended to keep it that way. When he receives the band-aids from Santa, Junsu would surprise his big brother with them.
Big brother would be happy to see the gift and he’ll know how much I appreciate him. Then everything would be back to normal again. Junsu smiled at the thought.
Junsu planned his day in his mind, not paying any attention to Jaejoong who continued teasing him about the love letter and Hyojung.
One, Junsu would make breakfast for himself later. A toast would be good enough. Two, after breakfast, he would go out to send the letter to the postbox to have it delivered to Santa before his mother wakes up. Then, he would have to wait for Christmas which was coming in the next two days to receive the gift.
Perfect, just perfect! A grin formed on Junsu’s lips as he thought of his brilliant plan.
The morning sun seeped through the blinds of the bedroom window, announcing the start of Christmas Eve. Junsu could also hear the birds chirping cheerily outside.
It was a beautiful day and Kim Junsu was ready for it.
*~*~*~*~*
Kim Junsu blinked open his eyes and rolled over onto his side to look at the clock on his bedside table. Bright sunshine streamed in through the drapes of his window, and he had to squint to read the time.
Seven forty-five.
He stretched his arms over his head and stared at the ceiling, running a hand through his grubby hair as he tried to wake up. He then took a look at the world outside through his window and had to smile. White puffs decorated the clear blue sky and it was evident that yesterday's news on weather had been accurate. The great weather was a great start for...
Junsu's smile disappeared when he realized what today was.
24th December, Christmas Eve.
Instantly, grief started to haunt him like it always did every year since he was six. It had been fifteen years now and one would think that that grief would lessen throughout the years. But it didn't. It just got worse every year. And this year was the worst of all. Junsu knew he would never forget what happened exactly fifteen years ago on this day.
He would never forget to remember today.
His heart shattered as he glanced at the framed picture that hung on the wall in front of him. Two young boys stared back at him, mocking him with the big grins on their faces. The younger one was on the older one's back with his arm around his neck while the other was trying hard to balance the weight of his younger brother on top of him. The picture was slowly eating away his sanity and Junsu felt as if he was going to fall into an endless pit of darkness.
But this time, with no hand reaching out to save him.
A silent tear grazed his cheeks as he stumbled out of bed and slowly dragged himself towards the picture. Sorrow and despair tugged at his heart and he fought hard not to fall on his knees and start shouting cries of agony and pain.
"Big Brother..." he whispered.
More tears stained his face as he struggled to clear the lump in his throat.
"Why did you have to go? Why?"
All Junsu can ask now is 'why?'.
Why did Jaejoong have to take his own life?
Why did Jaejoong have to take his own life to save his younger brother's?
He stared at the picture on the wall and started talking to no one particular.
"Big brother, was there something I could do to save you from myself? Was there something I could do to stop you when the car came speeding towards me? Yes, there was. I should have believed in you when you said that Santa didn't exist in the first place. I should have thought of a better way to help before I wrote that letter. I should have thrown the letter away when I had the chance. I should have insisted that I could go to the post office on my own when you offered to walk me there. There were so many things that I should have done but never did..."
Junsu leaned his back on the wall and slid down to the floor when he felt his strength slowly slipping away from him. He hugged his knees, trying to comfort himself and soothe the pain of his throbbing heart. Junsu never got the chance to send that letter in the end and he never got the band-aids either. And what's worse was the letter cost him his beloved brother's life.
Junsu remembered how lovely and great that day was. The weather wasn't chilly; in fact, it was warm for a winter day. He remembered the tight but warm grip he had on Jaejoong’s hand as they walked down the street hand in hand to the post office. When they were crossing the street to the other side, Junsu remembered dropping his letter and went down to retrieve it. After that, there was the loud honk and the screech of tires when he felt himself being pushed to the side. Junsu remembered the blinding color of crimson red all over his big brother's face. He could never forget the smell of rusting copper that were all over him and Jaejoong when they were on their way to the hospital in the ambulance car. He could never bring himself to forget the desperate yearning he had for the slightest bit of warmth from Jaejoong’s body.
The memory was so vivid in his mind that he knew he could do nothing to erase it.
The power of grief was greater than ever as he reminisced on the happy times they shared together. The times when they would wrestle to see who was stronger. The times when they would argue when their opinions collided with one another. The times when they laughed over the silly things others did. The times when they slept next to each other, sharing the same bed when Junsu was feeling scared on cold nights. The times when they knew that they understood how each other thought and felt without saying a word.
Junsu wiped his tears with the back of his hand and stood up to face the faded picture on the wall. The pair of expressive eyes that his big brother had was staring back at him, telling him that it was time…
It was time to let go.
"Big brother, I miss you so much that it kills me inside. I’ve been so lonely now because I don’t have you to talk to. You were the only one that I felt who understood me completely. You understood my pain because it was yours as well. You were my role model. You were everything I ever dreamed of being. You were always there when I needed someone to talk to. You had always been my shoulder to cry on. But more importantly, you were my big brother."
A faint smile formed on Junsu's lips as he continued, "Even though it drives me crazy just thinking about you, please know that I will always love you and don't forget me when we see each other again. I really want to say sorry but I know you wouldn't like that. You would hate it. So I'm not going to apologize. Instead, I'll say 'thank you'. Thank you for teaching me how to love and appreciate people in life. Thank you for showering me love and care when Mom had forgotten to. Thank you for everything you did for me. And most of all, thank you for being such a great brother. "
Junsu closed his eyes and listened to the silence in the air around him. He wanted to hear his brother’s last words for one last time. For one last time before he could let go.
I’ll wait for you at the gates of heaven…
Those were the words that left Junsu speechless as he heard Jaejoong breathed his last breath. Those were the words that brought the last stab to Junsu’s already bleeding heart as he watched his brother slip away from life. Those were the words that brought Junsu so much sorrow throughout the years.
All these years, Junsu knew that till the last second of Jaejoong’s life, his brother still thought of him. Jaejoong still cared about Junsu more than himself. His big brother was selfless till the very end. These thoughts used to break Junsu’s heart every time 24th December arrived. These thoughts used to bring so much guilt that Junsu felt it was hard to breathe every time the scene was reborn in his mind.
Yet, why did it not affect his emotions right now?
The reason was simple.
Because Junsu was going to start to get used to a new life.
A new life where Junsu would smile when he thought of his big brother.
Because that was what his brother would want him to do.
A new life where Junsu would laugh without a care for the whole world.
Because that way, he could forever remember his brother’s laughter.
A new life where Junsu would treasure every moment of it.
Because he knew it was best gift given from his brother.
Junsu took a piece of paper, picked up a pen and started to write.
‘Dear Santa,’ it started. ‘How have you been? It’s been years since I last wrote to you. I never got to send you that letter on the band-aids. Let’s just say, something life-changing happened that day and since then, I didn’t have the chance to send it to you. But I will, together with this letter. I don’t want any gifts from you anymore, Santa because I already have the best gift in the world. All I want from you now is a favor.
Can you help me pass this letter to my big brother? His name is Kim Jaejoong and he’s currently waiting for me at the front gates of heaven. I want to let him know that I’m fine and he could go on into heaven without me. Tell him that I’ll meet up with him in another 50 years.
Thank you, Santa. You’re a great help. And this maybe the last time I’m writing to you. I mean, you do know that it’s embarrassing for a 21-year-old man to write to you right? Thank you once again and take care, Santa. Also, for all the trouble you’ll have to go through to send this letter to big brother, I’ll leave this poem as a small compensation. I hope you’ll like it.
The ring of jingle bells,
That was the time when snow fell,
The cheerful melody brought excitement to my cells,
Not only for me, but for all as well.
Lost, I was when my big brother disappeared,
No longer around to love and care for me here,
My heart was stabbed with the horn of a deer,
And every night I was tormented with fear.
If I had known, I wished I had one last goodbye,
Or I wouldn’t have suffered as the years go by,
If I said I wasn’t sad, that would be a lie,
Because I hated to see my brother fly away into the sky.
Sorrowful I may be, as I watched him part,
But that did not matter because now, I have a brand new start,
Although our worlds may be far apart,
He will forever remain alive in my heart.’
With that, the letter ended. And just like many years before, it was signed and sealed into an envelope. A genuine smile formed onto Junsu’s lips as he held the letter in his hand.
He had finally learned how to let go.
This was finally the end.
This was finally the end to all his sufferings.
And he knew that this ‘end’ was the start of something great.
This ‘end’ was the start of many happy beginnings.
-End