Changes
So many changes have occured. Erik had gone from saying he wanted to be a father, to not wanting it to be his sperm, to saying he should move out when the baby's born because not enough room - really?? To saying he should just be the Uncle. And that last one killed it. Why the fuck am I prolonging getting pregnant for that? So I told him I'm not waiting.
Then he asked, "Can we stay together while it happens and see how it goes?"
Sure, why not have company? But then he kept talking about our "future" and how things might be. I lost it on Saturday. We most certainly do not have a future, I insisted. There was no hope that he'd stay and be there for me the way a partner was supposed to be. You know who else will be the uncle? EVERY OTHER FRIEND I HAVE. It does not make you special. I flat out told him I couldn't take care of my baby and him too. What could I possibly mean? Oh, you know, doing the things you say you're going to do (IE. Get his passport for the Cuba trip he's so adiment we go on - It's only been 8 months) and cleaning like an adult (which is more than doing the bare minimum - How many times have you watched me clean the bathroom, sweep, wipe the counters, etc?). But the main thing was "You require a LOT of attention. And everything I have will be going to this baby."
A moment please. But he starts frenzying. I have a day of him being vulnerable and trying to be helpful.
"If I can become what you want, can I win you back?"
Oh. Oh, child. And I told him, "Do not do this for me. If being a father is not what you want than it doesn't matter." And still, "What if it becomes what I want?" ...So I responded, "Then I'd see it in your actions." He's really trying. He's volunteered to clean the rat cage. I dunno. I don't want to be suckered into this again. So how much faith can I have? I really want to believe again. I'll just wait for the verdict. ANYWAYS I'M GOING TO THE CLINIC NEXT WEEK!! :D
Then he asked, "Can we stay together while it happens and see how it goes?"
Sure, why not have company? But then he kept talking about our "future" and how things might be. I lost it on Saturday. We most certainly do not have a future, I insisted. There was no hope that he'd stay and be there for me the way a partner was supposed to be. You know who else will be the uncle? EVERY OTHER FRIEND I HAVE. It does not make you special. I flat out told him I couldn't take care of my baby and him too. What could I possibly mean? Oh, you know, doing the things you say you're going to do (IE. Get his passport for the Cuba trip he's so adiment we go on - It's only been 8 months) and cleaning like an adult (which is more than doing the bare minimum - How many times have you watched me clean the bathroom, sweep, wipe the counters, etc?). But the main thing was "You require a LOT of attention. And everything I have will be going to this baby."
A moment please. But he starts frenzying. I have a day of him being vulnerable and trying to be helpful.
"If I can become what you want, can I win you back?"
Oh. Oh, child. And I told him, "Do not do this for me. If being a father is not what you want than it doesn't matter." And still, "What if it becomes what I want?" ...So I responded, "Then I'd see it in your actions." He's really trying. He's volunteered to clean the rat cage. I dunno. I don't want to be suckered into this again. So how much faith can I have? I really want to believe again. I'll just wait for the verdict. ANYWAYS I'M GOING TO THE CLINIC NEXT WEEK!! :D