A fine line (Junba)
Title: A fine line
Pairing/Group: Junba
Rating: PG-13
Beta: gurajiorasu
Genre: romance, a little hurt & comfort
Summary: Aiba wonders when Jun will have enough. When he’ll just get up and say: You are not worth it.
Aiba wonders when Jun will have enough. When he’ll just get up and say: You are not worth it.
“Jun, do you love me?“
Jun shifts slightly under the blanket, a confused look is in his eyes before he glances at his watch. It’s 4 AM. He sighs, “Yes, I love you.”
Aiba nods, before he turns to the side and closes his eyes. Okay. Or maybe- “Show me how much?” he says and it sounds more like a question than an actual demand.
Jun is apparently awake now, because he sits up in his bed and switches the light on. The lilac-colored blanket slips from his upper body a little. On any other night, Aiba might feel slightly embarrassed by his own Snoopy shirt and the yellow short pants he is wearing because Jun is covered in black and beautiful DKNY, but tonight he doesn’t mind. He has other things to be embarrassed about. Because- “Are you asking me for sex? Now?” Jun asks, fortunately sounds more surprised than reproachful. His hair is a little messy and the pillow has left a little print on his cheek. It looks cute, Aiba thinks.
Aiba shrugs. He is not sure what he could say now. He is afraid that his voice might break or his face heats up in embarrassment. The more casual it sounds, the better. Jun looks at him for a while, then he smiles. He lies down again, but this time he faces Aiba, his forehead leaning against his. “Come, you idiot,” he smiles.
Aiba doesn’t care if it’s out of pity or if Jun actually wants him. He just knows that only Jun’s arms can make him feel safe. It’s so easy to escape into them.
~~~
When Aiba dreams, he sometimes sees the red string of fate connecting him and Jun together. He doesn’t dare to tell Jun though. It sounds so cheesy and he is not sure if Jun likes that. Still he hopes it is there - an invisible thread connecting their lives and hearts.
The next morning Aiba sleeps in. When he wakes up, Jun has already left for a magazine cover shooting. Aiba probably should feel guilty - and he does for the first half an hour, because damn it, he has forgotten that Jun needs to get up so early. Had he known, he wouldn’t have woken him at 4AM. But then he sees the note Jun left him.
I didn’t want to wake you up - you look so cute when you are asleep :-) Eat something healthy today, okay? Nothing from these disgusting frozen foods - the junk Nino always brings along. Oh, and try to take it easy today - you have a free day after all. Relax, watch stupid movies, sleep, play videogames, have some fun.
See you tonight.
Oh, and, I love you.
Aiba giggles like a teenager and not like a 30-year-old man. 30! He tends to round his age down to 30 - it sounds better like that. He puts the note into his wallet so he could look at it whenever he wants.
~~~
Sometimes Aiba wonders how Jun can be that patient with him. It’s not Jun’s fault after all that Aiba is like he is now. Jun didn’t do anything. When they got together Aiba was already like this. Jun is the one that puts together the broken shards again. He is the one that has to bear the consequences for what someone else did to Aiba.
Aiba knows it’s not fair. He knows he should be stronger. It shouldn’t be that hard for him to trust and have faith and to believe in himself. But he can’t help it. Right now that’s how he is.
Sometimes he wishes that he could just vanish in thin air.
~~~
Jun is on a drama shooting. For two weeks probably. On some freaking, awful, far away, stupid island in Okinawa. A part of Japan that takes a three-fucking-hours of flight to reach it. Why can’t it be Kyoto or any other city at the mainland? It’s impossible to make a short visit, not with the amount of work Aiba has himself, not with that huge distance.
Well, he can’t help it. He wants to be supportive and not make this difficult and nerve-wracking for Jun. He wants to show him how much he loves him, how much he supports him.
It’s five days later that Aiba steps on the scale without thinking much. He stares at the numbers written on the display in shock. Has he really lost 6 pounds?
He doesn’t believe it at first, angles for the second scale, the one beneath the bed that’s covered with thick dust because none of them ever uses it. He wipes over it a little, coughing when he breaths in some of the dust. Then he steps on it. But the outcome is basically the same.
Jun is going to see, he thinks. Jun is going to know. He is going to be worried. Fuck!
~~~
He tries to eat more during the next days, not let the stress and the loneliness affect him that much. He doesn’t want to be the partner that is completely lost when the other isn’t around every day, doesn’t want to be the guy that can’t watch out for himself. He knows Jun is going to be worried - again. All Aiba does is making him worried.
The ringing of his phone pulls him out of his thoughts.
“Ah, I knew you are awake,” he can hear Jun’s voice.
“Hm?” Aiba blushes. He looks at the clock. It’s 1AM, “How did you know?”
“I had a feeling.”
“And you?” Aiba wants to know.
“Just came back to the hotel,” he can hear Jun’s breath through the phone, it makes him feel at ease immediately, “Drama shooting is so tiring. On top of that, as much as I love Okinawa, we are in the middle of nowhere here. I swear, yesterday I started to talk to a grasshopper in my room.”
“Did you name it?” Aiba asks and chuckles slightly. He switches his phone on loudspeaker mode, puts it on the table for a second, and switches into his pyjama swiftly. Then he takes the phone into his hand again, turning the volume down a little.
“Yeah,” Jun jokes, “I called it Sho-kun and told it what I think about its weird new outfit.” He joins Aiba’s laugh for a moment, before he continues, more earnest this time, “Talk to me, Masaki, please.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About your day.”
So, Aiba does. He tells Jun what he did today, what the others did, how they spent their rehearsals and which dance steps he thinks are difficult. Jun asks questions in between, but most of the time he is listening, until Aiba runs out of words.
“Let’s sing the new song together,” Jun suggests. It’s an innocent request, that’s why Aiba doesn’t wonder. It’s only the next day that he considers the thought that Jun might have done it for him.
They hum the song together until Aiba’s body starts to feel heavier, his eyes getting more tired. Later he doesn’t know when it happened, when the phone slipped out of his hand, but he falls asleep.
He only remotely remembers that he said I love you, Jun. And that Jun answered something like I love you too.
~~~
The next morning he feels refreshed. Forward. Dash forward. He goes on a walk in the morning to gain some energy, then he eats a proper breakfast with vitamins. He feels a lot better when he goes to the rehearsals this time.
It’s only Nino and Ohno because Sho is on a project too.
“You look good, Aiba-chan,” Nino says and it almost sounds a little surprised. Aiba decides to ignore the weird tune in his voice and just nods.
“I’m feeling good,” he says instead and means it.
“In for a drink afterwards?” Ohno wants to know.
“Sure.”
He has to admit himself that he overdoes it a little though. He drinks a bit too much but so does Nino. In the end Ohno somewhat drags them home. They stay overnight at his place and it’s fun, more than Aiba thought it would be.
~~~
Two days. Jun comes back in two days. Aiba decides to put some extra effort into his work so that Jun sees that he can do well alone too.
~~~
Aiba has a little panic attack. It’s not even half as bad as it was the last times. It doesn’t happen often anymore, especially not since he is with Jun. But he just couldn’t help it this time - couldn’t prevent it from happening. Jun will come home tomorrow. Just… what if he doesn’t want to? What if he decides that his time alone was so much more relaxing and fun? What if he realizes that Aiba is just so freaking annoying and difficult to handle, that he needs too much support, too much help, too many reassuring words? What if Jun won’t want to give that to him anymore?
Aiba’s body feels cold when his senses reappear. He angles for a glass of water and swallows down his meds.
He feels a little better then but still drained.
~~~
“I’m probably obsessed with you,” Aiba says and takes a sip from his beer.
Jun has just arrived home. Of course he didn’t just leave or stay away. Aiba feels stupid now that he thinks of it. And he decides to tell Jun about it. Jun looks concerned for a while but at the same time relieved that he was able to handle his panic attack alone. It gets better. Be proud of yourself for once. he said afterwards.
“It’s okay,” Jun reassures him. He grins, “I’m probably pretty obsessed with you too. So it’s fine.”
Aiba laughs openly at that. He offers Jun a bite of his Daifuku. Jun has brought them along though he doesn’t like them much. Also now he grimaces slightly, “A little too sweet,” he says.
“I don’t think so,” Aiba argues, “It tastes good.’”
“Really?”
For a while they are sitting next to each other, enjoying each other’s silence, then Jun suddenly puts his plate aside and bends forward to kiss Aiba. It comes spontaneous and as a nice little surprise. Aiba soon buries his fingers in Jun’s hair, enjoying the fact that he is the freaking only one who is allowed to do that and kisses him back with all he has.
~~~
They take a few days off and travel to the beach together. It’s these times that Aiba loves the most when it’s just the two of them, like a normal couple doing normal things. He loves normal. He never was the guy that needed extravagant stuff or confessions written all over the sky. When he and Jun play beach volleyball together, or go horse riding along the beach, lie under the sun next to each other and make love whenever they want to, it’s more perfect than anything else.
~~~
Aiba’s doubts come and go. It’s difficult to explain. He tries sometimes to talk to Jun about it and explain it, but it’s hard. Not the talking, but the explaining.
His therapist however told him to do it. So he does.
Jun always listens to him when he talks about it. He even went to his therapist together with him several times. Apparently it was good because the doctor was pretty positive about everything afterwards.
This time it’s going to be alright. Aiba told him back then. Because Jun is a good guy. Finally a good guy.
Not always do his doubts concern his relationship though, more often it’s about himself and his work. Like he is afraid that he can’t keep up, that he is less talented, less pretty, less interesting than the others.
It’s these times that get a little difficult for his relationship.
~~~
The neon light in the rehearsal room gets suddenly switched on and Aiba halts in his movements. He has been secretly practising in the dark, without anyone knowing it. They have some new dance steps and they are pretty difficult to remember. He feels like he is falling behind and hindering the others. Getting in their way. So he needs to practise, practise more and more. He stayed behind every day to do some extra practise, without the others knowing about it. They wouldn’t like him doing that, he knows that.
He turns around a little, ready to just tell whoever it is that disturbed him to fuck off, when his eyes catch a very well-known silhouette leaning against the doorframe. Aiba feels horrible all of a sudden, the kind of horrible that almost makes him throw up. The silhouette’s hand brush through its hair a little, eyes looking at him questioning, “What are you doing here?” Jun’s voice sounds a little surprised and a tiny bit frustrated. “You wrote me a message four hours ago, telling me that you are home.”
Aiba blushes, much to his own annoyance. He wants to sound cool but he can’t help but feel guilty for lying, “I was practising a little.”
“Masaki-“ Jun steps into the room, “It’s 3 AM.”
“You are here too!”
“Yes, but I didn’t have a choice,” Jun explains, “I had to shoot for an outdoor night scene for the drama.”
They stay silent for a moment and Aiba is sure that Jun counts one and one together and pretty much knows that he has just tricked him and the others, slipping back into these unhealthy pattern.
“If you don’t stop this, you will have a breakdown again and land in the hospital,” Jun voices out what he just thought. He doesn’t blame him for lying to him, though Aiba is pretty sure that he feels disappointed and a little hurt.
“I have it under control,” Aiba defends himself.
“Right now?” Jun asks. “If you had, you wouldn’t have kept it a secret.”
He just hit the nail on its head. Aiba feels like the ground beneath him wavers a little, “What do you know!?” he suddenly blurts out in unknown anger that’s directed rather to himself and this whole situation than to Jun.
Jun pulls his eyebrows up, looking slightly pissed now, “I know that what you do is not good for your health.”
“What do you know about my health? How it feels to be always slacking behind and not being able to catch on-“
Jun’s lips are somehow thin, he thinks, but he keeps his cool much to Aiba’s surprise. “Believe me that I know exactly how that feels. We all know it.”
“You are the one who has to talk!” Aiba complains, clinging to the last straw he has. “You are constantly working too much, you are a freaking perfectionist yourself!”
“Exactly. But I know my limits pretty well. And if I don’t, then you guys would tell me and I would listen!” Jun says with a little more force now, “And I don’t hide it.”
All of a sudden Aiba feels drained, realizing that fighting with Jun was actually worse than hiding his little fall-back here, “I’m sorry,” he says. “I lost control.”
Jun walks a little closer and puts his hand on Aiba’s head. “How about we go home?” he suggests.
~~~
As long as Jun gets angry at him sometimes, it means he still cares. Even though Aiba hates arguing with him.
“He is not angry,” Nino smiles when Aiba tells him what happened. Nino did spend ten minutes with reprimanding him though about how stupid he was, “You are just imagining things.”
Aiba watches Jun, eyes his face, how his features are all straight and without any movement. “Yes, he is,” he says, “He just doesn’t want to show it. He doesn’t want me to be upset.” Aiba sighs a bit, “That’s bad isn’t it? That he holds back just because he wants me to be alright.”
Nino shrugs.
“Be honest,” Aiba demands, “I’m a little sick of it that you all think I was made out of porcelain.”
“Fine,” Nino agrees, “I think that you should probably talk to Jun about it. And yes, I think he should be allowed to be pissed. Shows that your relationship is getting more and more normal.”
Aiba is surprised for a moment. “You think so?” Normal. A normal relationship. He loves normal! All he wants is to have a normal, loving relationship with Jun. Be his partner, not a social case.
“Yes. You didn’t have a real panic attack for long.” When Aiba wants to intervene that he just had one a few weeks ago when Jun was away, Nino waves him off, “Doesn’t count. It was nothing serious and you managed it alone. You hear that? You were able to handle it. You were able to hang in there alone. You went on a short vacation together - for the first time it wasn’t some sort of therapy relaxation weekend but a real vacation. You even had a pretty normal fight with Jun just yesterday, with Jun actually fighting back for once.”
Aiba’s eyes widen at that revelation. He grins and pats Nino’s shoulder affectionately, “For that revelation I’m going to buy you a beer.”
“Make it two,” Nino says randomly.
~~~
“Do you love me?”
Jun puts the dishcloth aside and dries his hand with the towel. He never mixes up these two items. He likes things neat and proper, which makes Aiba wonder sometimes why Jun sticks to him. Jun puts his hand on the kitchen table and leans against it, sighs for a moment, before he turns around to look at Aiba, “Yes, Masaki,” he says and his voice is shaking slightly. It’s either anger or resignation or affection - or maybe all three of them, “Even when I’m mad at you, I love you.”
“Are you mad at me?”
Jun shrugs.
Aiba grins and hugs him all of a sudden. He is pretty sure that Jun has no idea where this is coming from.
So normal, normal, normal~
~~~
They make up. Of course they do. And Aiba feeds Jun with strawberries while they are sitting on the floor. Jun lets him, eats a few strawberries before he pulls Aiba into his arms.
They have sex right there, on the floor. It’s pretty exciting, Aiba thinks. It’s more raw than usual, and it has more tension in the air, more want. And it’s something new because Jun normally prefers a bed.
Aiba decides he wants to see a lot more from Jun’s spontaneous and wild side. He tells him that and Jun grins, “If that’s what you want, I’ll happily oblige,” he says and forces a strawberry into Aiba’s mouth. “Just give me a list of what you would like to give a try.”
“Don’t think I won’t make that list!” Aiba warns him teasingly.
“Don’t think I won’t do what is on that list,” Jun teases back.
~~~
Aiba has decided he wants a new hair colour so Jun helps him with dying his hair. “You should have gone to a hair stylist,” Jun sighs.
Aiba chuckles, “I can still do that tomorrow.”
“And you really want some green strands in between?”
“Yes!”
It looks surprisingly good afterwards though nothing he can show on TV. Of course they go to the hair stylist the same day to undo it but still - it was fun.
It’s even more fun to sit together now, few hours later. Jun has perfect new furniture for his balcony and they settle down there for a little random talk and some dinner. They are watching how the darkness slowly covers the city and the huge neon lights get switched on. It’s never dark here.
“Ohno-kun asked me if we want to travel to New York with him,” Jun says all of a sudden, “What do you think?”
“New York?” Aiba can’t even hold back his excitement. He likes the thought immediately. A trip with Jun and Ohno, an exciting new place, somewhere he always wanted to go. “Damn yes.”
“Well,” Jun smiles, “Let’s do it then.”
~~~
Aiba still feels the safest in Jun’s arms. Meanwhile though they are both joking about it sometimes, making some teasing remarks about clingy lovers, which is entirely new for them because until now there was nothing like teasing in their relationship. At the same time they like it to cuddle with each other.
And sometimes Aiba still asks Jun if he loves him, wants to know if he is going to leave him, wants to hear promises and reassuring words. Jun nods then, says I love you. Tells him he won’t leave, he will stay. Says things like You are worth it. And if you continue questioning yourself, I’ll be mad.
He probably means all he says because Jun is always honest to him. He always means what he tells him. Jun’s trust and faith in him probably awakes some trust in Aiba too, some faith in himself.
He tries not to think too much about what ifs and worst case scenarios in which he always ends up all alone. He tries to think about what he has now, how rich his life actually is. He has friends who love him, he has a partner who accepts him the way he is, he has fans that support him, he is doing well at work.
Sometimes he and Jun fight. It doesn’t happen very often though because they are both not the type for it.
And Aiba has written the promised list - almost embarrassing earnestly - and handed it to Jun.
Jun has kept his promise too.
Pairing/Group: Junba
Rating: PG-13
Beta: gurajiorasu
Genre: romance, a little hurt & comfort
Summary: Aiba wonders when Jun will have enough. When he’ll just get up and say: You are not worth it.
Aiba wonders when Jun will have enough. When he’ll just get up and say: You are not worth it.
“Jun, do you love me?“
Jun shifts slightly under the blanket, a confused look is in his eyes before he glances at his watch. It’s 4 AM. He sighs, “Yes, I love you.”
Aiba nods, before he turns to the side and closes his eyes. Okay. Or maybe- “Show me how much?” he says and it sounds more like a question than an actual demand.
Jun is apparently awake now, because he sits up in his bed and switches the light on. The lilac-colored blanket slips from his upper body a little. On any other night, Aiba might feel slightly embarrassed by his own Snoopy shirt and the yellow short pants he is wearing because Jun is covered in black and beautiful DKNY, but tonight he doesn’t mind. He has other things to be embarrassed about. Because- “Are you asking me for sex? Now?” Jun asks, fortunately sounds more surprised than reproachful. His hair is a little messy and the pillow has left a little print on his cheek. It looks cute, Aiba thinks.
Aiba shrugs. He is not sure what he could say now. He is afraid that his voice might break or his face heats up in embarrassment. The more casual it sounds, the better. Jun looks at him for a while, then he smiles. He lies down again, but this time he faces Aiba, his forehead leaning against his. “Come, you idiot,” he smiles.
Aiba doesn’t care if it’s out of pity or if Jun actually wants him. He just knows that only Jun’s arms can make him feel safe. It’s so easy to escape into them.
~~~
When Aiba dreams, he sometimes sees the red string of fate connecting him and Jun together. He doesn’t dare to tell Jun though. It sounds so cheesy and he is not sure if Jun likes that. Still he hopes it is there - an invisible thread connecting their lives and hearts.
The next morning Aiba sleeps in. When he wakes up, Jun has already left for a magazine cover shooting. Aiba probably should feel guilty - and he does for the first half an hour, because damn it, he has forgotten that Jun needs to get up so early. Had he known, he wouldn’t have woken him at 4AM. But then he sees the note Jun left him.
I didn’t want to wake you up - you look so cute when you are asleep :-) Eat something healthy today, okay? Nothing from these disgusting frozen foods - the junk Nino always brings along. Oh, and try to take it easy today - you have a free day after all. Relax, watch stupid movies, sleep, play videogames, have some fun.
See you tonight.
Oh, and, I love you.
Aiba giggles like a teenager and not like a 30-year-old man. 30! He tends to round his age down to 30 - it sounds better like that. He puts the note into his wallet so he could look at it whenever he wants.
~~~
Sometimes Aiba wonders how Jun can be that patient with him. It’s not Jun’s fault after all that Aiba is like he is now. Jun didn’t do anything. When they got together Aiba was already like this. Jun is the one that puts together the broken shards again. He is the one that has to bear the consequences for what someone else did to Aiba.
Aiba knows it’s not fair. He knows he should be stronger. It shouldn’t be that hard for him to trust and have faith and to believe in himself. But he can’t help it. Right now that’s how he is.
Sometimes he wishes that he could just vanish in thin air.
~~~
Jun is on a drama shooting. For two weeks probably. On some freaking, awful, far away, stupid island in Okinawa. A part of Japan that takes a three-fucking-hours of flight to reach it. Why can’t it be Kyoto or any other city at the mainland? It’s impossible to make a short visit, not with the amount of work Aiba has himself, not with that huge distance.
Well, he can’t help it. He wants to be supportive and not make this difficult and nerve-wracking for Jun. He wants to show him how much he loves him, how much he supports him.
It’s five days later that Aiba steps on the scale without thinking much. He stares at the numbers written on the display in shock. Has he really lost 6 pounds?
He doesn’t believe it at first, angles for the second scale, the one beneath the bed that’s covered with thick dust because none of them ever uses it. He wipes over it a little, coughing when he breaths in some of the dust. Then he steps on it. But the outcome is basically the same.
Jun is going to see, he thinks. Jun is going to know. He is going to be worried. Fuck!
~~~
He tries to eat more during the next days, not let the stress and the loneliness affect him that much. He doesn’t want to be the partner that is completely lost when the other isn’t around every day, doesn’t want to be the guy that can’t watch out for himself. He knows Jun is going to be worried - again. All Aiba does is making him worried.
The ringing of his phone pulls him out of his thoughts.
“Ah, I knew you are awake,” he can hear Jun’s voice.
“Hm?” Aiba blushes. He looks at the clock. It’s 1AM, “How did you know?”
“I had a feeling.”
“And you?” Aiba wants to know.
“Just came back to the hotel,” he can hear Jun’s breath through the phone, it makes him feel at ease immediately, “Drama shooting is so tiring. On top of that, as much as I love Okinawa, we are in the middle of nowhere here. I swear, yesterday I started to talk to a grasshopper in my room.”
“Did you name it?” Aiba asks and chuckles slightly. He switches his phone on loudspeaker mode, puts it on the table for a second, and switches into his pyjama swiftly. Then he takes the phone into his hand again, turning the volume down a little.
“Yeah,” Jun jokes, “I called it Sho-kun and told it what I think about its weird new outfit.” He joins Aiba’s laugh for a moment, before he continues, more earnest this time, “Talk to me, Masaki, please.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About your day.”
So, Aiba does. He tells Jun what he did today, what the others did, how they spent their rehearsals and which dance steps he thinks are difficult. Jun asks questions in between, but most of the time he is listening, until Aiba runs out of words.
“Let’s sing the new song together,” Jun suggests. It’s an innocent request, that’s why Aiba doesn’t wonder. It’s only the next day that he considers the thought that Jun might have done it for him.
They hum the song together until Aiba’s body starts to feel heavier, his eyes getting more tired. Later he doesn’t know when it happened, when the phone slipped out of his hand, but he falls asleep.
He only remotely remembers that he said I love you, Jun. And that Jun answered something like I love you too.
~~~
The next morning he feels refreshed. Forward. Dash forward. He goes on a walk in the morning to gain some energy, then he eats a proper breakfast with vitamins. He feels a lot better when he goes to the rehearsals this time.
It’s only Nino and Ohno because Sho is on a project too.
“You look good, Aiba-chan,” Nino says and it almost sounds a little surprised. Aiba decides to ignore the weird tune in his voice and just nods.
“I’m feeling good,” he says instead and means it.
“In for a drink afterwards?” Ohno wants to know.
“Sure.”
He has to admit himself that he overdoes it a little though. He drinks a bit too much but so does Nino. In the end Ohno somewhat drags them home. They stay overnight at his place and it’s fun, more than Aiba thought it would be.
~~~
Two days. Jun comes back in two days. Aiba decides to put some extra effort into his work so that Jun sees that he can do well alone too.
~~~
Aiba has a little panic attack. It’s not even half as bad as it was the last times. It doesn’t happen often anymore, especially not since he is with Jun. But he just couldn’t help it this time - couldn’t prevent it from happening. Jun will come home tomorrow. Just… what if he doesn’t want to? What if he decides that his time alone was so much more relaxing and fun? What if he realizes that Aiba is just so freaking annoying and difficult to handle, that he needs too much support, too much help, too many reassuring words? What if Jun won’t want to give that to him anymore?
Aiba’s body feels cold when his senses reappear. He angles for a glass of water and swallows down his meds.
He feels a little better then but still drained.
~~~
“I’m probably obsessed with you,” Aiba says and takes a sip from his beer.
Jun has just arrived home. Of course he didn’t just leave or stay away. Aiba feels stupid now that he thinks of it. And he decides to tell Jun about it. Jun looks concerned for a while but at the same time relieved that he was able to handle his panic attack alone. It gets better. Be proud of yourself for once. he said afterwards.
“It’s okay,” Jun reassures him. He grins, “I’m probably pretty obsessed with you too. So it’s fine.”
Aiba laughs openly at that. He offers Jun a bite of his Daifuku. Jun has brought them along though he doesn’t like them much. Also now he grimaces slightly, “A little too sweet,” he says.
“I don’t think so,” Aiba argues, “It tastes good.’”
“Really?”
For a while they are sitting next to each other, enjoying each other’s silence, then Jun suddenly puts his plate aside and bends forward to kiss Aiba. It comes spontaneous and as a nice little surprise. Aiba soon buries his fingers in Jun’s hair, enjoying the fact that he is the freaking only one who is allowed to do that and kisses him back with all he has.
~~~
They take a few days off and travel to the beach together. It’s these times that Aiba loves the most when it’s just the two of them, like a normal couple doing normal things. He loves normal. He never was the guy that needed extravagant stuff or confessions written all over the sky. When he and Jun play beach volleyball together, or go horse riding along the beach, lie under the sun next to each other and make love whenever they want to, it’s more perfect than anything else.
~~~
Aiba’s doubts come and go. It’s difficult to explain. He tries sometimes to talk to Jun about it and explain it, but it’s hard. Not the talking, but the explaining.
His therapist however told him to do it. So he does.
Jun always listens to him when he talks about it. He even went to his therapist together with him several times. Apparently it was good because the doctor was pretty positive about everything afterwards.
This time it’s going to be alright. Aiba told him back then. Because Jun is a good guy. Finally a good guy.
Not always do his doubts concern his relationship though, more often it’s about himself and his work. Like he is afraid that he can’t keep up, that he is less talented, less pretty, less interesting than the others.
It’s these times that get a little difficult for his relationship.
~~~
The neon light in the rehearsal room gets suddenly switched on and Aiba halts in his movements. He has been secretly practising in the dark, without anyone knowing it. They have some new dance steps and they are pretty difficult to remember. He feels like he is falling behind and hindering the others. Getting in their way. So he needs to practise, practise more and more. He stayed behind every day to do some extra practise, without the others knowing about it. They wouldn’t like him doing that, he knows that.
He turns around a little, ready to just tell whoever it is that disturbed him to fuck off, when his eyes catch a very well-known silhouette leaning against the doorframe. Aiba feels horrible all of a sudden, the kind of horrible that almost makes him throw up. The silhouette’s hand brush through its hair a little, eyes looking at him questioning, “What are you doing here?” Jun’s voice sounds a little surprised and a tiny bit frustrated. “You wrote me a message four hours ago, telling me that you are home.”
Aiba blushes, much to his own annoyance. He wants to sound cool but he can’t help but feel guilty for lying, “I was practising a little.”
“Masaki-“ Jun steps into the room, “It’s 3 AM.”
“You are here too!”
“Yes, but I didn’t have a choice,” Jun explains, “I had to shoot for an outdoor night scene for the drama.”
They stay silent for a moment and Aiba is sure that Jun counts one and one together and pretty much knows that he has just tricked him and the others, slipping back into these unhealthy pattern.
“If you don’t stop this, you will have a breakdown again and land in the hospital,” Jun voices out what he just thought. He doesn’t blame him for lying to him, though Aiba is pretty sure that he feels disappointed and a little hurt.
“I have it under control,” Aiba defends himself.
“Right now?” Jun asks. “If you had, you wouldn’t have kept it a secret.”
He just hit the nail on its head. Aiba feels like the ground beneath him wavers a little, “What do you know!?” he suddenly blurts out in unknown anger that’s directed rather to himself and this whole situation than to Jun.
Jun pulls his eyebrows up, looking slightly pissed now, “I know that what you do is not good for your health.”
“What do you know about my health? How it feels to be always slacking behind and not being able to catch on-“
Jun’s lips are somehow thin, he thinks, but he keeps his cool much to Aiba’s surprise. “Believe me that I know exactly how that feels. We all know it.”
“You are the one who has to talk!” Aiba complains, clinging to the last straw he has. “You are constantly working too much, you are a freaking perfectionist yourself!”
“Exactly. But I know my limits pretty well. And if I don’t, then you guys would tell me and I would listen!” Jun says with a little more force now, “And I don’t hide it.”
All of a sudden Aiba feels drained, realizing that fighting with Jun was actually worse than hiding his little fall-back here, “I’m sorry,” he says. “I lost control.”
Jun walks a little closer and puts his hand on Aiba’s head. “How about we go home?” he suggests.
~~~
As long as Jun gets angry at him sometimes, it means he still cares. Even though Aiba hates arguing with him.
“He is not angry,” Nino smiles when Aiba tells him what happened. Nino did spend ten minutes with reprimanding him though about how stupid he was, “You are just imagining things.”
Aiba watches Jun, eyes his face, how his features are all straight and without any movement. “Yes, he is,” he says, “He just doesn’t want to show it. He doesn’t want me to be upset.” Aiba sighs a bit, “That’s bad isn’t it? That he holds back just because he wants me to be alright.”
Nino shrugs.
“Be honest,” Aiba demands, “I’m a little sick of it that you all think I was made out of porcelain.”
“Fine,” Nino agrees, “I think that you should probably talk to Jun about it. And yes, I think he should be allowed to be pissed. Shows that your relationship is getting more and more normal.”
Aiba is surprised for a moment. “You think so?” Normal. A normal relationship. He loves normal! All he wants is to have a normal, loving relationship with Jun. Be his partner, not a social case.
“Yes. You didn’t have a real panic attack for long.” When Aiba wants to intervene that he just had one a few weeks ago when Jun was away, Nino waves him off, “Doesn’t count. It was nothing serious and you managed it alone. You hear that? You were able to handle it. You were able to hang in there alone. You went on a short vacation together - for the first time it wasn’t some sort of therapy relaxation weekend but a real vacation. You even had a pretty normal fight with Jun just yesterday, with Jun actually fighting back for once.”
Aiba’s eyes widen at that revelation. He grins and pats Nino’s shoulder affectionately, “For that revelation I’m going to buy you a beer.”
“Make it two,” Nino says randomly.
~~~
“Do you love me?”
Jun puts the dishcloth aside and dries his hand with the towel. He never mixes up these two items. He likes things neat and proper, which makes Aiba wonder sometimes why Jun sticks to him. Jun puts his hand on the kitchen table and leans against it, sighs for a moment, before he turns around to look at Aiba, “Yes, Masaki,” he says and his voice is shaking slightly. It’s either anger or resignation or affection - or maybe all three of them, “Even when I’m mad at you, I love you.”
“Are you mad at me?”
Jun shrugs.
Aiba grins and hugs him all of a sudden. He is pretty sure that Jun has no idea where this is coming from.
So normal, normal, normal~
~~~
They make up. Of course they do. And Aiba feeds Jun with strawberries while they are sitting on the floor. Jun lets him, eats a few strawberries before he pulls Aiba into his arms.
They have sex right there, on the floor. It’s pretty exciting, Aiba thinks. It’s more raw than usual, and it has more tension in the air, more want. And it’s something new because Jun normally prefers a bed.
Aiba decides he wants to see a lot more from Jun’s spontaneous and wild side. He tells him that and Jun grins, “If that’s what you want, I’ll happily oblige,” he says and forces a strawberry into Aiba’s mouth. “Just give me a list of what you would like to give a try.”
“Don’t think I won’t make that list!” Aiba warns him teasingly.
“Don’t think I won’t do what is on that list,” Jun teases back.
~~~
Aiba has decided he wants a new hair colour so Jun helps him with dying his hair. “You should have gone to a hair stylist,” Jun sighs.
Aiba chuckles, “I can still do that tomorrow.”
“And you really want some green strands in between?”
“Yes!”
It looks surprisingly good afterwards though nothing he can show on TV. Of course they go to the hair stylist the same day to undo it but still - it was fun.
It’s even more fun to sit together now, few hours later. Jun has perfect new furniture for his balcony and they settle down there for a little random talk and some dinner. They are watching how the darkness slowly covers the city and the huge neon lights get switched on. It’s never dark here.
“Ohno-kun asked me if we want to travel to New York with him,” Jun says all of a sudden, “What do you think?”
“New York?” Aiba can’t even hold back his excitement. He likes the thought immediately. A trip with Jun and Ohno, an exciting new place, somewhere he always wanted to go. “Damn yes.”
“Well,” Jun smiles, “Let’s do it then.”
~~~
Aiba still feels the safest in Jun’s arms. Meanwhile though they are both joking about it sometimes, making some teasing remarks about clingy lovers, which is entirely new for them because until now there was nothing like teasing in their relationship. At the same time they like it to cuddle with each other.
And sometimes Aiba still asks Jun if he loves him, wants to know if he is going to leave him, wants to hear promises and reassuring words. Jun nods then, says I love you. Tells him he won’t leave, he will stay. Says things like You are worth it. And if you continue questioning yourself, I’ll be mad.
He probably means all he says because Jun is always honest to him. He always means what he tells him. Jun’s trust and faith in him probably awakes some trust in Aiba too, some faith in himself.
He tries not to think too much about what ifs and worst case scenarios in which he always ends up all alone. He tries to think about what he has now, how rich his life actually is. He has friends who love him, he has a partner who accepts him the way he is, he has fans that support him, he is doing well at work.
Sometimes he and Jun fight. It doesn’t happen very often though because they are both not the type for it.
And Aiba has written the promised list - almost embarrassing earnestly - and handed it to Jun.
Jun has kept his promise too.