Letting go (Sosuke/Michiru)
Title: Letting go
Pairing: Sosuke, Michiru
Rating: PG-13
Drabble
Genre: Dorama (Last Friends), focused on Sosuke. A bit angst.
Summary: Sosuke's thoughts about his life and Michiru
Warnings: This is just a very weak and first attempt to write this dark character. And it's only a drabble.
CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!!!!
Note: Written for ryo_short community, for the prompt challenge. Prompt: Miracle
It was a miracle that he met Michiru. A person so wonderful and pure and sweet. Precious. When he saw her he swore to always watch out for her.
He didn’t know when it started to overwhelm him, when these feelings of jealousy and envy and the fear of loss overwhelmed him and led him to actions he would regret each time. He didn’t know when he turned into such a guy, or how he turned into it. It was the monster deep inside him, something that was unknown to him, not knowing that it even existed, until the moment he hit her for the first time.
There were loose memories coming to him, all of them connected to his father and how he treated his mother and him. How his mother would cry and beg, fight, but come back to him every time again. And how he was wishing for her not to, wanting her to think about him, her child, and not about her husband. But overall he had wanted her to think about herself. He had read books about how children growing up in an abusive home would be part of an abusive family again - either as the abusing part or the one that got abused. It was a vicious circle.
Sosuke had believed he would break out of it. He had believed that a miracle would happen and spare him from this fate. Worse than his father beating him was the thought about him beating his own child or wife. He had believed in miracles and dreams, thinking they became true when he met Michiru.
It was a miracle that a person like he was, with this dark and shattered past and his non-existent home, no family, no one there for him, would meet an angel like she was. Sweet and innocent Michiru, who never lost faith in someone, who always believed and saw the best in people.
She was the biggest miracle of all.
It was only a few months later he started to destroy it. The miracle scattered in pieces. What happened inside him… he couldn’t tell it. It was like there was a switch turning, making his mind go blank and only seeing the dark things - the fear, the pain, the anger, the panic. At the end of the day he didn’t know who he hit, his girlfriend… or his father.
It was a miracle that she came back to him every time. No matter how much he hurt her, no matter how cruel he was. And the more she tried to
understand him, the angrier he got, the more he wanted to hurt her.
Who was she to believe she could understand him? His family? How he grew up? His life? She didn’t know a thing. She was so naïve and believed in him. Why did she never lose her faith in him? He knew she would come back, every time, but still he was surprised when she did. He knew that she was longing for a warm family and a home, because she didn’t have one herself, that’s why she kept her faith in him. He knew that. He wanted to give her all this, but at the same time he used it against her.
He wanted her to be his. Was that so wrong? It didn’t sound wrong to his ears. She should be his.
All his!
He didn’t know when he lost it completely. But at one point he realized that he wasn’t the same person anymore, maybe when he started to play his cards, to plan his steps. Instead of seriously worrying and wanting her, he expected her to come back, he expected her to react the way she did, he expected her to forgive him. He was able to play with her like with a marionette.
He got predictable, calculating her feelings and reactions. And with it, he got unpredictable for her.
He almost didn’t realize it first, not until he said it out loud: I know, she will come back.
In the end he was afraid of himself.
A miracle that she loved him, that she forgave him, again and again, that she kept loving and forgiving until the end.
A miracle she was once.
Because now she didn’t smile anymore.
Nor did she laugh.
Or dance around in the living room.
She was frightened and the more scared she was, the angrier he got. It made him feel so upset that she flinched whenever he reached out his hand just to touch her, that she pulled back when he wanted to hug her. She was scared. And he hated it.
But most of all, he hated himself.
She wasn’t able to smile for him. Not like she did for others. Her shining beautiful pure smile. She couldn’t show it to him.
That’s when he realized that what he loved the most, he couldn’t protect. He couldn’t let her go away from him, he couldn’t make her smile, he couldn’t make her feel at home. He wasn’t able to build a home for her. When he thought about marrying her and having a child, he suddenly got scared. What if the unborn child he wanted to have so badly with her, would grow up with him as a father. Grow up to be scared and hurt and full of anger and pain, until one day this child, a son maybe, would be a grown-up too. And hit the woman he loves.
He realized that when he couldn’t let her break up with him and move on, he needed to do something. The person he couldn’t protect and for whom he wasn’t able to provide a warm home.
In the end, none of these miracles meant anything, because the biggest one happened at last. He let go of her. Finally. And set her free. Maybe he was weak and a coward, but this was the only solution he could thing of. The pain he felt, the sting, the feeling of warm blood running over his fingers, his body feeling numb and dizzy, his memories mixed up with the things he dreamed of. It was his own warm place he suddenly lived at, home and family. It would have felt good to have it for real. At lesat she would have it now.
Pairing: Sosuke, Michiru
Rating: PG-13
Drabble
Genre: Dorama (Last Friends), focused on Sosuke. A bit angst.
Summary: Sosuke's thoughts about his life and Michiru
Warnings: This is just a very weak and first attempt to write this dark character. And it's only a drabble.
CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!!!!!!
Note: Written for ryo_short community, for the prompt challenge. Prompt: Miracle
It was a miracle that he met Michiru. A person so wonderful and pure and sweet. Precious. When he saw her he swore to always watch out for her.
He didn’t know when it started to overwhelm him, when these feelings of jealousy and envy and the fear of loss overwhelmed him and led him to actions he would regret each time. He didn’t know when he turned into such a guy, or how he turned into it. It was the monster deep inside him, something that was unknown to him, not knowing that it even existed, until the moment he hit her for the first time.
There were loose memories coming to him, all of them connected to his father and how he treated his mother and him. How his mother would cry and beg, fight, but come back to him every time again. And how he was wishing for her not to, wanting her to think about him, her child, and not about her husband. But overall he had wanted her to think about herself. He had read books about how children growing up in an abusive home would be part of an abusive family again - either as the abusing part or the one that got abused. It was a vicious circle.
Sosuke had believed he would break out of it. He had believed that a miracle would happen and spare him from this fate. Worse than his father beating him was the thought about him beating his own child or wife. He had believed in miracles and dreams, thinking they became true when he met Michiru.
It was a miracle that a person like he was, with this dark and shattered past and his non-existent home, no family, no one there for him, would meet an angel like she was. Sweet and innocent Michiru, who never lost faith in someone, who always believed and saw the best in people.
She was the biggest miracle of all.
It was only a few months later he started to destroy it. The miracle scattered in pieces. What happened inside him… he couldn’t tell it. It was like there was a switch turning, making his mind go blank and only seeing the dark things - the fear, the pain, the anger, the panic. At the end of the day he didn’t know who he hit, his girlfriend… or his father.
It was a miracle that she came back to him every time. No matter how much he hurt her, no matter how cruel he was. And the more she tried to
understand him, the angrier he got, the more he wanted to hurt her.
Who was she to believe she could understand him? His family? How he grew up? His life? She didn’t know a thing. She was so naïve and believed in him. Why did she never lose her faith in him? He knew she would come back, every time, but still he was surprised when she did. He knew that she was longing for a warm family and a home, because she didn’t have one herself, that’s why she kept her faith in him. He knew that. He wanted to give her all this, but at the same time he used it against her.
He wanted her to be his. Was that so wrong? It didn’t sound wrong to his ears. She should be his.
All his!
He didn’t know when he lost it completely. But at one point he realized that he wasn’t the same person anymore, maybe when he started to play his cards, to plan his steps. Instead of seriously worrying and wanting her, he expected her to come back, he expected her to react the way she did, he expected her to forgive him. He was able to play with her like with a marionette.
He got predictable, calculating her feelings and reactions. And with it, he got unpredictable for her.
He almost didn’t realize it first, not until he said it out loud: I know, she will come back.
In the end he was afraid of himself.
A miracle that she loved him, that she forgave him, again and again, that she kept loving and forgiving until the end.
A miracle she was once.
Because now she didn’t smile anymore.
Nor did she laugh.
Or dance around in the living room.
She was frightened and the more scared she was, the angrier he got. It made him feel so upset that she flinched whenever he reached out his hand just to touch her, that she pulled back when he wanted to hug her. She was scared. And he hated it.
But most of all, he hated himself.
She wasn’t able to smile for him. Not like she did for others. Her shining beautiful pure smile. She couldn’t show it to him.
That’s when he realized that what he loved the most, he couldn’t protect. He couldn’t let her go away from him, he couldn’t make her smile, he couldn’t make her feel at home. He wasn’t able to build a home for her. When he thought about marrying her and having a child, he suddenly got scared. What if the unborn child he wanted to have so badly with her, would grow up with him as a father. Grow up to be scared and hurt and full of anger and pain, until one day this child, a son maybe, would be a grown-up too. And hit the woman he loves.
He realized that when he couldn’t let her break up with him and move on, he needed to do something. The person he couldn’t protect and for whom he wasn’t able to provide a warm home.
In the end, none of these miracles meant anything, because the biggest one happened at last. He let go of her. Finally. And set her free. Maybe he was weak and a coward, but this was the only solution he could thing of. The pain he felt, the sting, the feeling of warm blood running over his fingers, his body feeling numb and dizzy, his memories mixed up with the things he dreamed of. It was his own warm place he suddenly lived at, home and family. It would have felt good to have it for real. At lesat she would have it now.