Fanfic: A Step back
Title: A step back
Author: yume16
Disclaimer: The plot is mine...but not the boys *sob*
Beta: blursakana
Pairing(s): Ryopi
Rating: PG-13
Genre: A little angst
Warnings: none
Summary: Sometimes you have to take a step back to see things clearer
Author Notes: I am not sure about this one-shot at all, but my beta said it was okay. So I hope you enjoy this...
A step back
Yamashita Tomohisa sat in front of his TV and played with his remote. A day off was great, but somehow he had no idea what to do with all that free time. Should he watch a movie? But wouldn't that be a waste? Should he rather go outside and enjoy the sunshine, but then again, he had an air-conditioner in his room and it was freaking hot outside. He hated to make decisions like that. In the end he would always choose the less tiring alternative. So, he would watch a movie. Jin had lent him one of his American ones. He could already predict that he would get to see a lot of breasts, with clothes and probably some without.
Ten minutes into the movie, his door bell rang and he pressed pause so that he could keep up with his counting.
“Oh hey, Ryo.”
“Long time no see.”
He stepped to the side to let his friend inside.
“You are in Tokyo?”
“Yeah, Jin told me you should be here and since we didn’t see each other for ages, I figured I should drop by.”
“True, I am seldom in Osaka.”
“That’s for certain.” Ryo looked at him sharply till they both had to grin. The other couldn’t fool him. He knew Ryo was not really angry and knew his full schedule quite well. He had one himself.
“So what are you doing? Am I interrupting you?” Ryo asked and walked into his living room.
“Nah, I am only watching a movie Jin lent me. Do you want to join?”
“Sure, how many boobs did you count so far?”
“Twelve.” He had to grin. There was never the need to explain to Ryo anything, especially not things concerning Jin.
“I didn’t miss much then.”
…
“15.”
“16.”
“17.”
“18.”
“There is seriously not much plot.” Ryo emptied his glass with juice he had gotten before he had pressed play again.
“It’s a movie from Jin.”
“Yeah okay…”
“With your English you wouldn’t understand anything anyway, would you?”
“My English is okay.”
“If you say so.” He grinned and Ryo poked his tongue out at him.
“Do butts count, too?”
“Too late, we already missed too many of them.”
“Figured.”
When the movie was over he leaned back with a sigh. All that counting had been exhausting.
“Should we write a message and tell Jin how many boobs we counted?”
“If we do that he will be here in 20 minutes because he feels left out.” He said and Ryo hummed thoughtfully.
“Let’s do it later then.”
“What? You want me for yourself?” He chuckled amused.
“Yeah, I do.” Ryo winked and he had to laugh only more. He had missed the other quite a lot.
“Here, I got something for you.”
“Huh?” he watched surprised how Ryo leaned forward and took a box out of his bag. It was really unusual for the other to give him presents when it was not his birthday or Christmas.
“Oh my god! Did something happen? Are you going to confess something terrible to me? God, what did I miss?”
When Ryo looked at him as if he thought he had lost his mind, he figured he was over-reacting.
“Nothing happened?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say nothing happened, but at least nothing terrible.”
“Oh…” Now he was even more puzzled and decided to just open the present and then he could decide how to react.
He had to look twice at his present.
“Ryo-chan, did you mix up presents?”
The other leaned forward to peek into the opened box and then shook his head.
“No, there is no other present I could mix it up with anyway. This is for you.”
“But I don’t really need something like that.”
Ryo ginned at him and he got the bad feeling he had missed something important indeed.
“Are you sure you don’t need it?”
“Yes, I am a man.”
“Well, after watching the preview of your PV I think it is justified to give you something like this.”
”Oh Ryo…” He massaged his temple and wished he could wipe away that smug smirk of the other.
“You worked out quite a bit, didn’t you?”
“So what?”
“Strip your shirt.”
“No.”
“Oh yes.” And with that Ryo jumped at him and tugged with swift hands his t-shirt over his head.
“Hey!”
“Wow, up close they are even more impressive.”
He wondered if he should feel complimented by the awe in the other’s voice, but for now he only wanted his shirt back.
“Ryo, give me my shirt.”
“Nope.” With that the other reached out and let his hands wander over his chest.
“You are such a pervert. Now you are even pawing your friend.”
”You should feel complimented. Not everyone qualifies.”
“Qualifies? To be pawed by you?”
“Yupp, I think I should have gotten a D cup instead of a C. Who would have thought you would get such impressive pecs.”
“Yeah, right pecs. And there is no need for a bra because I am not having boobs like the girls in the movie.”
“Are you really sure you don’t need one?” Ryo asked and to make his point clear he placed his hands on his pecs and massaged them as if they were breast.
“Stop, it’s embarrassing.” It really was especially since it felt kind of good.
Ryo suddenly burst out laughing and he rolled his eyes.
“You know I like breast.”
”But I don’t have any.”
“Your pecs are nice enough.” Ryo was grinning widely and then did something that took him completely by surprise. He kissed him. On the mouth.
His thoughts were going crazy in his head just as much as his heart in his chest.He was getting kissed by Ryo and it was not just a peck on the lips, it was a passionate kiss with tongue. While kissing him, Ryo moved his hands over his body and a low moan slipped past both of their tongues. Ryo stopped kissing him to look at him. The heat crawled into his cheeks when he realized the moan had really come from him.
“I…”
The other leaned in and kissed him on the lips much gentler now. Nibbling at his bottom lip before he pushed his tongue between his lips again. A hand in his nape made him turn his head to give Ryo better access.
The other nudged his tongue playfully and his free hand tweaked one of his nipples. Now he really had to push the other away.
“Ryo, what are you doing?”
“I thought that was obvious: Kissing you.”
“Okay, it is, but…”
“You know Tomo, sometimes you have to take a step back to see things clearer.” The other moved away from him and suddenly, there was a serious expression on his face. The whole atmosphere had changed abruptly from playful to serious.
“What do you mean Ryo?”
“You know there are these pictures. They consist of little coloured spots and only when you take some steps back you see the whole picture and realize there is more to it. Like there is actually a person hidden within these spots.”
He furrowed his brows as he looked at Ryo. What did the other try to tell him? Spots like pixels? Or was the other talking about paintings? The second option made more sense at the moment.
“We have been spending lesser time together at the moment. Simply, because we don’t work together anymore and we are both too busy to meet up in our free time.”
”I know, but…”
“I have taken a step back to see the whole picture.” Ryo seriously said and he swallowed. This was incredibly important for Ryo. He felt that, but he didn’t really know how to react. Mostly because he still didn’t understand what the other was trying to tell him.
“What did you see when you stepped back?” He could only find out through asking and he tried to follow Ryo’s line of thoughts.
“What did I see…” Ryo looked thoughtfully at his hands. “That is a very good and difficult question, Tomo.”
It had been long since he had seen Ryo so thoughtful and worried. He wished he knew what was going on in the other’s head.
“I think I saw you, but in a different way.”
The atmosphere was so serious he was getting scared. Ryo had said earlier that nothing bad had happened when he gave him the present, but he couldn’t help but feel that the other was going to break something terrible to him.
“Is that good or bad?” He asked carefully.
“I don’t know.”
“Ryo please! You are scaring me with the things you are saying.”
The other turned his head and looked softly at him.
“I am sorry.” He reached out and placed his hand on his cheek.
“What are you sorry for?” His heart was beating like crazy in his chest, even faster than it had when Ryo kissed him.
“I guess I have seen you in a different light for awhile now, but it has been shown to me again today; when I watched the preview of your PV.”
Ryo saw him in a different light? He was seriously starting to worry. Not only because of the things Ryo was saying but because his heart was going crazy and he was starting to fear a heart attack.
“What do you mean?” Did that thin voice really belong to him?
“I guess I am not all that normal.”
“Eh? Why wouldn’t you be normal?”
“You are pretty innocent Tomo. I’ve been hinting at it a lot.”
”What…”
“I said I am looking at you differently. I did not want to call Jin so that he would come. I kissed you. I touched you intimately. It still doesn’t make click?”
“You…”
”Yes I. Just now as we watched the DVD we had fun counting, but you know, I am actually someone who can get easily affected by such stuff. Stuff like naked skin, sexy bodies and so on. For me it was just some skin and I counted because it was fun, but when I watched your PV it was not just naked skin for me. I actually searched for it on the Internet so that I could watch it again and again.”
He looked at the other wide eyed.
“Are you finally starting to feel crept out?” Ryo laughed, but it was not a happy laugh. Rather the contrast. “I guess you caught on now.”
His throat was dry and his tongue numb in his mouth. He did not know what to say and even if he knew, he wouldn’t know how to say it.
“You know, I thought I could make a joke out of it. Buy that bra and joke about your pecs, about the body I desire so much, but one look into your black eyes and I lost control. I can make fun of your body, but not about what I see in your eyes, not about your soul.” Ryo suddenly picked up his bag and stood up abruptly.
“I probably shouldn’t have told you all this and I certainly didn’t plan it. That’s why I said sorry earlier. You asked me remember? I said it because I was about to destroy our precious friendship.”
With that the other left.
He sat there on his couch unmoving. What had happened just now? Ryo…
A strange sound left his mouth and he curled up on his side. Just now Ryo confessed to him, didn’t he?
That he felt something when he had looked at his body and even more so when he looked into his eyes.
He saw his shirt lying on the floor. He should probably put it back on but his thoughts started to race in his mind. What should he do now? Ryo had confessed to him and that changed the whole situation between them. He had to give the other some kind of answer but what for one?
What should he do?
He laid there and watched the sky slowly turned dark in front of his window. Ryo, Ryo, Ryo…Normally, if he was in such a situation, in which he didn’t know what to do, he would call the other, but he couldn’t do that this time. It was not about Jin standing him up four times in a week or his sister bringing one of her terrible boyfriends home nor was it about a terrible person he met at work and had to deal with. He could not rely on Ryo like he usually did because for once it was about Ryo. He really couldn’t deal with such things alone. Even less when they were so important and life changing. Because one way or another, his life was going to change drastically. But what did that actually mean?
He couldn’t think straight anymore and decided that he needed to take a shower to get a clearer head. This was something he had to think about carefully and nothing he should take lightly. Moreover, the sky was really dark by now and he could not believe he had spent that much time thinking and lying unmoving. His body felt slightly sore when he stood up.
As the water ran down his body, he looked down at himself. What did the other see when he looked at him? Of course, he worked out so much to look desirable, but he did not really feel like he had reached that goal. There were so many flaws, so much wrong and imperfectness.
He closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. What the hell was he thinking? That was really not the point at the moment.
Ryo, his best friend since forever, had confessed to him and he didn’t know how to handle the situation. Moreover, Ryo had to feel so much more worse than he did at the moment. He had sat there like a muted fish and stared at the other with big eyes. Ryo probably felt like an idiot. If it was him, he certainly would and he knew how insecure Ryo was when it was about feelings. He could talk big and act cool, but he had a soft heart.
And then it suddenly hit him. What if he lost the other? Ryo had said it himself, that he had destroyed their precious friendship. He would be an idiot (and an incredible asshole) if he expected Ryo to act as if everything was like it used to be. Like he never confessed his feelings and that he didn’t love him.
Love…there was the word he never knew how to deal with.
Did Ryo really love him? He did not say it, but he had described it quite well. He had to admit that he was scared of Love. Love could be wonderful and make you feel like on the top of the world, but on the other hand it could make you feel incredibly hurt and terrible.
And that was how Ryo was definitely feeling: terrible and hurt, because he had sat there like an idiot and done nothing.
He jumped out of the shower and dried himself with his towel. His clothes he put on hastily, before he hurriedly stumbled out of the bathroom and put on some shoes and grabbed his car keys.
He had to talk with Ryo no matter what. The other was someone he couldn’t lose.
When he stood in front of the other’s door he couldn’t really remember how he had gotten there. His mind was still racing, but he was happy the other had kept his flat in Tokyo and he knew where he would go. Ryo was not someone who liked to be seen when he felt bad and he knew that the other wasn’t alright. He had seen it on his face when he had left his flat earlier.
Ringing the bell, he bit his bottom lip nervously, but nothing happened.
Ryo was not opening the door.
He prayed to god that the other had hid a spare key somewhere so that he could get in. After searching at every nook and corner, he had to admit defeat. There was no key and he couldn’t get in. He rang the door bell again, but just like he expected the door stayed shut.
If Ryo didn’t drive directly back to Osaka he had to be there so he sat down next to his door because he was starting to feel really tired.
He woke up through feeling a hand caress his cheek and he slowly blinked his eyes open. Ryo pulled his hand back and looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. He also stood back up and looked down on him.
“What are you doing here?”
“Waiting to be let in.” He answered and pushed some of his messy hair out of his face. Yesterday, he had left his flat in a hurry and not even dried it.
“Are you telling me you sat here since you rang the bell yesterday?” Ryo looked at him incredulous.
“If you heard, you could have opened the door.” He tried to get up, but his back protested because of the way he had slept and he needed a second attempt to get up.
There was a spark of worry in Ryo’s eyes and that was probably what made the other step to the side and let him in. Ryo pulled out his phone and dialled a number.
“Subaru, I am sorry. I guess I won’t make it to the drinking with Eito. Something came up here in Tokyo.” Ryo looked at him and he felt slightly guilty as he toed of his shoes.
“Yeah, the interview went alright. What? Yeah…I went to see him.” Ryo cleared his throat and looked away.
Did that mean Subaru knew?
“Yeah, I slipped it. It’s kind of a mess right now. So tell the others I am sorry that I can’t make it. Yeah, bye and thanks.”
Subaru knew for sure.
Ryo put his phone into his pocket and walked further into his flat without turning around to look at him.
“Do you want some coffee?”
“Uhm yeah…” He was feeling really nervous at the moment. How should he behave now? And even more importantly: What should he say? He knew he needed to talk with the other, but that didn’t mean he knew what to say.
Instead of sleeping he should have thought about some proper words.
“So why are you here?” Ryo asked as he took out a cup for him.
“I…because of what you said.”
”Forget it.”
“What no. I can’t.”
“What should we do then?” The other asked coolly.
The way Ryo was acting gave him the shivers. He seemed so distant.
“Stop it!” he had not planned to say it loud, but the way the other looked at him surprised he must have.
“What should I stop?”
He took the other by the hand and tugged him into his living room and down on the couch.
“I want you to stop that act. If I hurt you then say it to me or if you are frustrated. That’s not the Ryo I know.”
“I know, sorry.” The other buried his face in his hands and he reached out awkwardly and patted his back.
“Aren’t you scared I’d jump you like yesterday?”
“Well, I guess I should but…” He swallowed “Okay, before I say anymore I want to remind you that I am awful with words.”
Ryo lifted his head slightly and looked at him.
“I know that Tomo.”
“Okay first of all, I am sorry I sat there like a fish yesterday.” Ryo looked puzzled at him and he scratched his neck nervously.
“I mean I sat there totally mute and didn’t react. That was not very nice.”
“I surprised you.”
“That’s true, but…”
“Tomo, it’s still just me. Just say what is onyour mind I’ll try to understand.”
“We have to talk about it, but I don’t know how.”
“You must have had something on your mind when you came. I already said how I felt. I take it you are not disgusted since you are patting my back quite awkwardly at the moment.” He felt embarrassed and was probably blushing, plus, there was the indication of a smile on the other’s lips.
“I am afraid of losing you.” He had to admit, he was surprised by himself. It must've been ages ago since he had been that straight to the point. Ryo looked quite surprised by his statement as well.
“I can't pretend as though nothing happened though. You only have to do something cute and I’ll…”
“I know.” He lowered his head. He knew that things wouldn’t go back to how they used to be.
“I guess there is not really a solution for this situation. At least, not a satisfying one for both of us.”
He looked at his best friend sadly. Did that really mean their friendship was going to end? A lump formed in his throat. A friendship for such a long time couldn’t end just like that. It was too cruel.
“You know me Ryo.”
The older one looked at him questioning.
“I am relying on you so much and so are you.” His eyes widened when he realized what he had said just now. He had spoke out a truth he had not been aware of. He was not the only one who needed the other.
“The texts you write in the middle of the night because you can’t sleep. And the calls you give me when I answer and you know I am awake. Do you seriously think we can stop with these habits? Do you think I will be able to stop calling you because of little problems I encounter everyday? Or when you call and just talk about random things because you are stressed? Do you think I didn’t notice? We are totally co-dependent on each other. Writing e-mails as guys that are several pages long to each other is not that normal either.”
“I know why I am doing that, but I have been wondering. Why are you doing it?” Ryo suddenly asked and he was faced with a question he didn’t know how to answer.
“I don’t know. It just seemed like the right thing to do.”
“Are you doing it because you would feel bad for me otherwise?” Ryo moved closer to him and looked at him with burning eye.
“No, it feels good to talk with someone about what is on my mind.”
Suddenly, there were again lips on his and he could feel Ryo’s desperation. Hesitantly, he returned the kiss. The other slung his arms around him and he wrapped his arms around Ryo’s body as well. This was so wrong on so many levels.
“Tomo, are you okay?” Ryo asked as they pulled apart and he leaned his head against the other’s shoulder.
“If we keep doing such stuff, you are going to give me a heart attack for sure.”
”I am making you heart race?” There was a glint in Ryo’s eyes and he placed his hand over his heart on his chest and a smile tugged at his lips.
“Yeah…”
”Then there is still hope.”
”Let’s take things slow. I am still pretty confused.”
“You know Tomo, being in love is not that awful.”
”I’ll keep it in mind.”
He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Their future was pretty uncertain and he had no clue if he could give the other what he wanted, but the most important was for him that he had not lost him. Fingers carefully traced his jawline and he reached out without opening his eyes for the other because that was what he was going to do from now on. Blindly going into a new relationship and discovering his friend anew.
“I can feel the laugh lines around your mouth, Ryo-chan.”
“I guess that is because I am smiling.”
“Your smile feels nice.”
The other chuckled and he could feel his face move. It was really a totally new experience.
“That’s really something I have never been told before, Tomo.”
“How does my smile feel?”
Ryo’s hands moved from his cheek to his mouth and he smiled automatically.
“Very soft and…Ouch!” He laughed and opened his eyes to look at Ryo who looked at his finger.
“You bit me.”
“Just a little warning to be careful with me.”
Ryo looked at him with a slight smile.
“I got it. I know you are not sure about anything.”
“Good.” And with that he reached out towards the other again.
This paining consists of little points in different colours all placed next to each other and was painted by Georges Seurat. I hope it makes clearer what Ryo talked about. I am not sure I explained it well. The technique is called pointillism.
Okay, that was it^^ I think I should go to bed now. I almost posted the next part of my multichapter instead of this...even though it's only halfway written...That's bad XD I am working on it though^^