i'm fucking mopey as shit
Do you ever just feel faulted beyond repair, like maybe when you were traveling down the cosmic assembly line, some celestial being was out to late the night before, is snoozing on the job, and you get put together "mostly" right?
That's how I feel these days; I think, unless i've been lied to, it is too late to go back, to start again, so where does one go now? once they have discovered their unwholness? I'm just at this point where I don't care.... if the phone rings...if i hear from my family.... if you tell me you love me, but I know in my head that I care. I don't think all the days in bed and all the oreos currently in circulation could cure this void... I don't even like oreos wtf??
I keep telling myself that I just need to get through this semester...one more month...but I've been feeding myself that bullshit for my entire collegiate career, and I feel worse now than I ever have... to the point where I am no longer the only one who is disappointed in me. I see it in the eyes.... even when they are shiny with laughter, I see the hurt, the dissaproval. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, that I am what I am, who I'm supposed to be, and so, I can't really be faulted. Yet, here's the kicker. I don't feel like me. I don't even want to be what I am feeling, so how come I defend it with everything in me? hear hear for posts longer than intended. I basically want forgiveness most of the time even though the crime escapes me, but from what I'm gathering that is the crime itself. I never intend to cause anyone any pain, it just happens. It's amazing how little effort it actually takes. I can do it anywhere... I can do it on a chair, I can do it with no hair.... I sorta feel like taking myself up on the cookies and bed day now, but instead I think i'll suck it up, pretend to be doing well, and go pay my rent, go to school, go to work, and then come home really fucking exhausted, so that I can do it all again tomorrow....except for the rent, because I don't want to drop that much money everyday.
In other news, if anyone got this far, Have a lovely day. I mean it. You deserve it.
That's how I feel these days; I think, unless i've been lied to, it is too late to go back, to start again, so where does one go now? once they have discovered their unwholness? I'm just at this point where I don't care.... if the phone rings...if i hear from my family.... if you tell me you love me, but I know in my head that I care. I don't think all the days in bed and all the oreos currently in circulation could cure this void... I don't even like oreos wtf??
I keep telling myself that I just need to get through this semester...one more month...but I've been feeding myself that bullshit for my entire collegiate career, and I feel worse now than I ever have... to the point where I am no longer the only one who is disappointed in me. I see it in the eyes.... even when they are shiny with laughter, I see the hurt, the dissaproval. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, that I am what I am, who I'm supposed to be, and so, I can't really be faulted. Yet, here's the kicker. I don't feel like me. I don't even want to be what I am feeling, so how come I defend it with everything in me? hear hear for posts longer than intended. I basically want forgiveness most of the time even though the crime escapes me, but from what I'm gathering that is the crime itself. I never intend to cause anyone any pain, it just happens. It's amazing how little effort it actually takes. I can do it anywhere... I can do it on a chair, I can do it with no hair.... I sorta feel like taking myself up on the cookies and bed day now, but instead I think i'll suck it up, pretend to be doing well, and go pay my rent, go to school, go to work, and then come home really fucking exhausted, so that I can do it all again tomorrow....except for the rent, because I don't want to drop that much money everyday.
In other news, if anyone got this far, Have a lovely day. I mean it. You deserve it.