It's easier to forgive than forget
It's easier to forgive than forget
Title: It's easier to forgive than forget
Pairing: Honma Toshio/ Kamiyama Satoru; (Sakurai Sho/ Yokoyama You)
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, het, smut
Disclaimer: I don’t own the boys, but the story is mine. :D
Note: English is not my native language, so I'm sorry for mistakes
Summary: Yabu and Mirai married, but being married doesn't mean that they are allowed to do anything....
Requested by lilly0
Pairing (also OC): Honma/Kamiyama
Rating: NC-17
Sentence/ Title/ Situation: "What is forgiveness?" Honma wanted to know on his last evening in freedom...before he would surrender to the police. "I don't know..." Kamiyama looked at him through cold eyes, though there was also a soft glance.
"Can you forgive me?" Honma finally dared to ask.
For a last time Honma and Kamiyama were in a room together. Honma got a last evening in freedom before he had to serve his time. Kamiyama sat in the corner of the room, his melancholic and apathetic behaviour was gone, and his eyes turned cold and stoic.
Honma sat on the floor and looked at the other one with his tear strained face. He knew what he had done was wrong, and he'd go to atone for his deed, but he wanted to talk to Kamiyama for a last time, because there was something deep in him, and this had to be cleared before he'd go.
Kamiyama crossed his legs and stared at the other one with a glance of hate in his eyes, but there was a small sparkling between the anger, it was a kind of sympathy and understanding.
Honma wiped away the tears on his face and looked at the other one. His might was gone; he wasn’t the strong, arrogant man anymore, and the only thing he could do, was to apologize.
Kamiyama didn’t move, his posture was like ice, while he glanced at him: “What do you want here, Honma?”
“I just wanted to apologize.”
“Don’t you think it’s a bit too late for this?!”, Kamiyama spoke with a low and powerful voice. Honma wasn’t used to such a situation. He never thought that Kamiyama would remember about the real story.
“Why?”, Honma looked at the other one and didn’t know what he wanted him to say. “Why did you do this to me?”, he added. Honma only stared on the ground and didn’t know what to answer.
“Look at me, look into my eyes, and answer my question”, Kamiyama’s voice resounded in the room and let Honma wincing. Slowly he raised his head and looked at the other one: “I don’t know…” his voice was thin and silent and some other tears came up in his eyes.
“You know Honma,” Kamiyama started and stood up before he continued: “I never was interested in her even if I said it”. Honma looked at him and knitted his eyebrows.
What did he want from him, what did he want to say?
“What?”
“You never recognized it, didn’t you?”, Kamiyama smiled slightly and stood right in front of the other one, his hands in his pockets. Honma looked up and stared up, while Kamiyama slowly went on his knees to be in eye height with the other one.
“I always hoped to get you, but you were always in love with her.” He added and his smile disappeared.
“You loved me? But you never said a single word? I thought you were in love with her?”, Honma looked irritated at the man in front of him.
Kamiyama smiled sadly and shook his head: “I never loved her; I just wanted everyone to believe that I did. I couldn’t tell you the truth. And when I saw you standing on the roof of the house, my heart stopped and I was afraid like I was never before. It wasn’t the matter of losing her, but losing you. “
Honma couldn’t believe the other one’s words. He always thought that they were in love with the same girl, and he never thought, that Kamiyama felt as he did. “Kamiyama - I didn’t know you felt same as I did”, his voice broke and first he thought Kamiyama didn’t hear him, but he could see in his eyes, that the sparkling grew.
“You felt the same Honma?” Kamiyama’s voice was a mixture of laughing and being desperate and he rubbed his hands across his face.
“Why, why did you kill her?”
“I thought she wouldn’t become health again, and I saw no other chance than…” before Honma could finish his sentence, Kamiyama grasped his shirt and pulled him closer. “You killed that girl, Honma, you killed her, and you are no doctor, you can’t say that she was already dead, you can’t say it”. Kamiyama’s eyes were sparkling and tears came up in him. But he wasn’t only crying because of Misaki’s death, he was crying because he won’t see Honma anymore. Yes, Honma was the most evil person during the last month, but he felt sexually attracted to this man. He looked down at him and saw the tear strained eyes, his cheeks were deep red and his hands clawed into the carpet.
“I know…”, Honma whispered without looking at Kamiyama. “I can’t say why I did it, I can’t say it…I…..I…acted without thinking, I acted without thinking, really, I did, I never meant to do this…I…”, he continued, his words were broken, and his thoughts were spinning in his head. He tried to remember his thoughts on this day, but there was nothing, only white and black pictures popped up in his head.
“Honma…”, Kamiyama said loudly, made the other one looking at him. “Do you regret it?”
The other one nodded and sobbed he was unable to say a thing, slowly raising his head to look at Kamiyama, who stared at him and sighed deeply before he stood up and pushed Honma up with him. “Look at me and say that you regret it, say it”.
“I regret it, Kamiyama, I regret everything”, Honma could feel Kamiyama’s breathe in his face, when he grasped his shirt and pushed him closer to himself, staring with his cold eyes into Honma’s. Kamiyama let off his shirt and sighed, while he looked out of the window.
“I will miss you, yes, even though you handled me like a prisoner, you told me that I was the culprit, you made me feeling bad, you want me to remember about something I never did. Honma, why shall I forgive? Why?”
“There is no reason to forgive me!”
“No there isn’t”, Kamiyama whispered absent minded.
“Kamiyama”, Honma waited till the other one looked at him.
“I can’t do more than apologize, I can’t make anything undone, I can’t bring her back, and finally I can’t make the things I did to you undone. But I can swear from the bottom of my heart that I want to do it, but I can’t.”
Kamiyama nodded slightly and stepped closer to watch directly in the other ones eyes: “I can see in your eyes that you really regret it, but you have to know, I am not sad you get imprisoned, even though there are still feelings for you in me.”
Honma smelled the other one’s scent and he closed his eyes to hold back his upcoming tears. He suddenly felt a warm feeling on his lips, and opened his eyes immediately. Kamiyama’s lips were lying on his, caressing them and he could feel the other one’s tongue licking across his lower lip.
“Kamiy….” But he didn’t have the chance to speak, because Kamiyama kissed him forcefully and pushed him against the wall. Between two kisses he looked at Honma and whispered: “Don’t ask why, I can’t resist you, I want to forgive you Honma, I really want it, but I can’t now, but I don’t want to wait till you come back…”
He ran his hands above Honma’s upper body and put his hand slowly under the other one’s shirt. He felt Kamiyama’s fingertips on his skin and breathed deeply. Kamiyama waited so long for this, and he ever desired it, and even though it felt wrong right now, he really wanted it.
Honma took off the other one’s shirt and kissed his collarbone and nibbled on his neck. Kamiyama pressed Honma against the wall and rubbed his knee against the other one’s crotch. Honma moaned shortly and felt the other one’s mouth on his again. They’re tongues were twisting and hands were wandering up down on their bodies. Kamiyama pushed off the other one’s shirt and stepped close to him, rubbing his crotch against the other ones. Honma moaned and closed his eyes, enjoying every second of feeling the other one.
Kamiyama laid his hand on the other one’s crotch and stroked softly above the pant.
“Kami…”, Honma pressed his lips together and breathed in.
Kamiyama only smiled and opened the other ones belt skilfully while he kissed his neck and bit softly into his collarbone. His hand slipped into his pants and Honma felt his hand gliding across his length. He took it in his hand and started to stroke it from the base to the tip. Honma moaned and curled some of Kamiyama’s hair between his fingers. He took off the other one’s pants completely and felt Honma opening his belt, and pushing off Kamiyama’s pants. Both stood there for a moment, looking at each other and only a deep breathe resounded in the room.
Kamiyama stepped backwards and leaned against the table, and waited till Honma walked up to him and kissing his cheeks, neck and wandered down his collarbone, licked across his chest and wandered down to his belly button, glided his tongue above the other one’s skin before he took Kamiyama’s cock into his hand and started to stroke it. Kamiyama grasped Honma’s shoulder and smiled brightly before he got down taking the length in his mouth. He grasped Kamiyama’s hips and sucked him slowly.
Kamiyama stopped him and pushed him up to kiss him deeply. “Take me…” he whispered and looked deep into Honma’s eyes. He opened the cupboard on the left side of the table and took out the lube and a condom, smiling at Honma.
Honma took the bottle and rubbed a bit of it between his fingers before he stepped closer to the other one. Kamiyama smiled and leaned back against the table. Honma put him up and set him on it. He started to stroke across the other one’s thighs and grinned, when he saw Kamiyama closing his eyes and biting on his lips. He slowly ran his finger up and down, before he pushed in one finger.
Kamiyama yelled and breathed in deeply, because the pain nearly let him faint. Honma waited for a second and pushed out a little bit, to return his finger into the other one. He tried to find Kamiyama’s spot and after two tries he could hear Kamiyama’s yelling turned into an aroused moaning. He rubbed his finger against the spot and pushed in a second finger, scissoring them to prepare the other one for the intrusion. He finally entered a third finger and moved them frantically. Kamiyama moaned loudly and bit into Honma’s shoulder, leaving a deep red mark and a small wound there.
Honma pushed out and kissed the other one slightly, before he put on the condom and raised the other one’s hips to push in. Kamiyama smiled at him and put his hands around the other one’s neck. Honma held the other one’s hips and pushed in slowly, his hands on the Kamiyama’s waist to give him some hold.
Tears appeared in Kamiyama’s eyes, he never thought about such a pain, but it was sensational to feel the other one moving in him. Honma angled to find the other one’s spot and knew he had found it, when Kamiyama started to yell his name.
Honma started to push in frantically and looked at the other one’s eyes. For some moments there was only flesh hitting flesh mixed up with moaning and yelling. Kamiyama bit on his lips and started to stroke himself as fast as possible. Honma pushed in and out and felt the tightness of the other one around him, his hips started to be in rhythm with the movements of Kamiyama and he pushed away Kamiyama’s hand to stroke the other one’s cock fast. Kamiyama leaned back and felt the sensation in him rising up. The hand on his dick and the other one in him let him nearly reach the climax. Honma pushed in hard and his hand never made a stop, till he finally felt Kamiyama was coming in his hand. He smiled and held the other one’s hips when Kamiyama sank down on the table, and pushed in for some last times, before he fell on the other one.
He breathed for some times before he pushed out and cleaned himself before he put on his clothes and walked up to the door.
“Honma, we will never meet again, won’t we?”
“I don’t know it, Kamiyama, it depends on you. You know where you find me” Honma walked out of the room and stepped out in the cold air.
It was this was his last day in freedom, he had spent the last day with doing what he ever wanted to do, and even if Kamiyama would never visit him, he got what he desired, but somewhere in his heart, the hope of seeing the other one was still alive.
Kamiyama sat in the room and looked out of the window, he looked at the other one, walking down the street into imprisonment…he didn’t know what to do, the level between hate and love was small, and he didn’t know what he should do, and if there was a chance for them…