A strange mood struck me...
This isn't meant to be depressing; I'm not in a depressed mood. But... still. I somewhat reflected on myself earlier.
I have to wonder... what I'm actually good for. What my outstanding qualities are. I mean... well, I honestly can't think of what I'm good at. I don't have a big personality like the student council people. My drawings look like a three-year-old drew them. My grades aren't amazing, my writing is mediocre at best, and my singing has gotten 5 stars on YouTube for being awful.
I'm not in the highest band at my school (despite wanting to be for years), I'm not section leader, and I can't stop squeaking my secondary instrument no matter how hard I try. I hardly ever have any real idea on how to give advice, or how to handle people's pain other than to say I'll be there for them, and even with that, it sounds like a typical "Oh, you're hurt" thing to say. Hell, some people are great at videogames, but even that I'm simply mediocre in. My hyperactivity annoys people, yet when I'm not hyper they're irritated that I'm not my usual self; my clinginess and general hyperactive uke-ness scared off my boyfriend and I'm pretty sure has caused some people that would possibly be my friends to dislike me.
It seems to me like I'm not particularly *good* at anything; my entire life is filled with mediocrity, regardless of my dreams or what I work at.
I want to find my passion. I want to find what I'm talented at, even if I have to work to make myself better for it. But... I can't think of anything. I don't have a set personality, the core that makes me, well, me. Other people have their dancing, their singing, their instruments, drawing, *something* that helps define who they are, that gives them something to actually do and love.
While I enjoy singing (and I will admit, a dream of mine for the past few years has been to be able to become a great singer, to be in a band and make great music), I feel like there's very little chance I can improve. The chances of me continuing as either a percussionist or clarinetist past high school (or even college) are very little.
I just... want to find me. The thing that defines me, what I want to do, what I love, what I have a talent for that I want to refine and make amazing instead of just decent. I want to find the one part of me that isn't mediocrity, but... my life seems to swim in it.
"Quiero vivir
Quiero gritar
Quiero sentir
el universo sobre me
Quiero correr en libertad
Quiero encontrar mi sitio."
"I want to live
I want to shout
I want to feel
the universe around me
I want to run freely
I want to find my place."
~AMARAL, "El Universo Sobre Mi"
What makes me, me? What is there that I have that's actually outstanding, that isn't mediocre?
I have to wonder... what I'm actually good for. What my outstanding qualities are. I mean... well, I honestly can't think of what I'm good at. I don't have a big personality like the student council people. My drawings look like a three-year-old drew them. My grades aren't amazing, my writing is mediocre at best, and my singing has gotten 5 stars on YouTube for being awful.
I'm not in the highest band at my school (despite wanting to be for years), I'm not section leader, and I can't stop squeaking my secondary instrument no matter how hard I try. I hardly ever have any real idea on how to give advice, or how to handle people's pain other than to say I'll be there for them, and even with that, it sounds like a typical "Oh, you're hurt" thing to say. Hell, some people are great at videogames, but even that I'm simply mediocre in. My hyperactivity annoys people, yet when I'm not hyper they're irritated that I'm not my usual self; my clinginess and general hyperactive uke-ness scared off my boyfriend and I'm pretty sure has caused some people that would possibly be my friends to dislike me.
It seems to me like I'm not particularly *good* at anything; my entire life is filled with mediocrity, regardless of my dreams or what I work at.
I want to find my passion. I want to find what I'm talented at, even if I have to work to make myself better for it. But... I can't think of anything. I don't have a set personality, the core that makes me, well, me. Other people have their dancing, their singing, their instruments, drawing, *something* that helps define who they are, that gives them something to actually do and love.
While I enjoy singing (and I will admit, a dream of mine for the past few years has been to be able to become a great singer, to be in a band and make great music), I feel like there's very little chance I can improve. The chances of me continuing as either a percussionist or clarinetist past high school (or even college) are very little.
I just... want to find me. The thing that defines me, what I want to do, what I love, what I have a talent for that I want to refine and make amazing instead of just decent. I want to find the one part of me that isn't mediocrity, but... my life seems to swim in it.
"Quiero vivir
Quiero gritar
Quiero sentir
el universo sobre me
Quiero correr en libertad
Quiero encontrar mi sitio."
"I want to live
I want to shout
I want to feel
the universe around me
I want to run freely
I want to find my place."
~AMARAL, "El Universo Sobre Mi"
What makes me, me? What is there that I have that's actually outstanding, that isn't mediocre?