I know at least two mentally ill young men over the internet, one of them all the way over in Europe, another of whom I regularly chat with. Both friendships had their scary patches--one showed extreme hostility to me on a fandom forum while the other would talk about raping and beating my character. And yet they both turned out to be big teddy bears once they dropped the asshole act and came to trust me enough to confide in me. The guy who wanted to rape my character actually came out as a gay man and has been an absolute gentleman since, though he has his dickish moments that I make sure to call him out on and which he always admits he was wrong about.
I've argued with, given advice to, strategized with, hung around with, traded insults and interesting links with, and listened to the heartfelt confessions of these friends. And I can honestly say I don't see anything different between them and my other friends other than the fact that they're dealing with issues that society happens to stigmatize as laziness or even faking. Some of it has to do with the tendency to romanticize damage, I think--many can't seem to wrap their heads around the idea that damage, real damage, isn't pretty or safe or tame. These are real problems that real people deal with, problems that are difficult, exhausting, and often lifelong. What's needed is not some quick fix but a willingness to walk together, through good patches and bad, laughing, crying, bickering, swearing, just being human beings to each other.
I don't care for my mentally ill friends because they need my help, and I don't delude myself that I'm helping them in any great measure. I care because they're my friends. Sure they can be dickish--so can I--but we muddle through somehow. I can be angry at them and they with me, no one's getting saved in an orgy of tears and epiphany. I still worry sometimes that one or both of them might harm himself or be harmed by someone in anger or even for fun. I know that'll hurt, because that's the risk of being invested in someone. But good or bad I'll live with it, and we'll stumble along together for however long our paths meet. That's life.
I remember this quote from Stefan Zweig's Beware of Pity where a doctor says:
"There are two kinds of pity. One, the weak and sentimental kind, which is really no more than the heart's impatience to be rid as quickly as possible of the painful emotion aroused by the sight of another's unhappiness...; and the other, the only kind that counts, the unsentimental but creative kind, which knows what it is about and is determined to hold out, in patience and forbearance, to the very limit of its strength and even beyond."
Except I wouldn't call the second type pity. I'd call it... I don't think they have the exact word in English, walking together. Togetherness, or solidarity. A recognition that yeah there are problems here, an acceptance that it's okay and we'll deal with it, the willingness to go together and help when you can. Being friends, being human together, because nobody can be human alone.
Sorry for the rambling, I didn't even know I was thinking these things until I started to respond. I don't have any real conclusion. That's the way I think about it, which isn't to say professional mental health care isn't necessary or doesn't need reform. Just that there's something more basic there, about accepting each others' flaws, not turning away just because they don't fit a preconceived mold, things like that.
I've argued with, given advice to, strategized with, hung around with, traded insults and interesting links with, and listened to the heartfelt confessions of these friends. And I can honestly say I don't see anything different between them and my other friends other than the fact that they're dealing with issues that society happens to stigmatize as laziness or even faking. Some of it has to do with the tendency to romanticize damage, I think--many can't seem to wrap their heads around the idea that damage, real damage, isn't pretty or safe or tame. These are real problems that real people deal with, problems that are difficult, exhausting, and often lifelong. What's needed is not some quick fix but a willingness to walk together, through good patches and bad, laughing, crying, bickering, swearing, just being human beings to each other.
I don't care for my mentally ill friends because they need my help, and I don't delude myself that I'm helping them in any great measure. I care because they're my friends. Sure they can be dickish--so can I--but we muddle through somehow. I can be angry at them and they with me, no one's getting saved in an orgy of tears and epiphany. I still worry sometimes that one or both of them might harm himself or be harmed by someone in anger or even for fun. I know that'll hurt, because that's the risk of being invested in someone. But good or bad I'll live with it, and we'll stumble along together for however long our paths meet. That's life.
I remember this quote from Stefan Zweig's Beware of Pity where a doctor says:
"There are two kinds of pity. One, the weak and sentimental kind, which is really no more than the heart's impatience to be rid as quickly as possible of the painful emotion aroused by the sight of another's unhappiness...; and the other, the only kind that counts, the unsentimental but creative kind, which knows what it is about and is determined to hold out, in patience and forbearance, to the very limit of its strength and even beyond."
Except I wouldn't call the second type pity. I'd call it... I don't think they have the exact word in English, walking together. Togetherness, or solidarity. A recognition that yeah there are problems here, an acceptance that it's okay and we'll deal with it, the willingness to go together and help when you can. Being friends, being human together, because nobody can be human alone.
Sorry for the rambling, I didn't even know I was thinking these things until I started to respond. I don't have any real conclusion. That's the way I think about it, which isn't to say professional mental health care isn't necessary or doesn't need reform. Just that there's something more basic there, about accepting each others' flaws, not turning away just because they don't fit a preconceived mold, things like that.
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