No
I am in a hideous mood, and DreamWidth insisting that I do not exist is only making it worse, so once again I am only posting here and not there, and will back the entries up when I find a way.
Honestly, I'm starting to hate the internet. I hate what it does to people. I hate the power it gives over others. I hate that there is absolutely nothing sacred, safe, or private about it (hence why I won't even bother locking this post).
I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have met through the internet, but am also very damaged by those whom I shouldn't have trusted. I love that I am usually able to find wonderful people to talk to about things I love and thought I was the only one who loved them, but I also loathe fandom's horrid ability to suck the fun and magic out of everything I adore.
The internet has allowed me to post writings that would have probably remained in duotangs stuck in my closet, and these writings have brought me closer to more people. It has also alienated me from people, as of course only weirdos write fanfic, right? So I can't even brag about it to "normal" people, despite being extremely proud of that which I wrote.
If anything, my lukewarm success with fanfic has given me hubris as to just how good or bad my writing actually is. I soar high one moment, then get shot down the next. And any time I think about writing the stories that are deep in my heart, I cringe and cringe, because of course it's bad, cliched, overdone, and seen before. EVERYTHING has been seen before, in this highly published society. Anything I write, however good or bad, would be lost in the pool of those who already beat me to it. So why bother?
And the death of Kristen was like the last straw. I had no idea how much I had missed her and wished I was a better friend to her until she died, and I never even met her. All of you, whom I love so much, could flicker just like her, and then what? It's selfish, but I hate having my heart broken.
I barely have friends. I can count the number of friends I have outside of the internet on one hand (without even bothering with my thumb), so really my only social net is full of you - people who have thought me interesting enough to read my words on a screen. I trust you all with more than I trust my family, and I haven't met you. And yet those few friends I know I can barely trust.
How did my life get so backward? Am I the only one?
I'm not really going away off the internet. I just... I obviously am on it so rarely that nobody really would note a difference. I've given up being a "presence" on the internet. Why bother? That is everyone.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't expect much of anything from me anymore. I'm just... probably to vanish quietly, if that's what I decide to do.
Comments are disabled because I know I won't see the comments until too late for replying anyway. If you really need to get in touch, I usually check Twitter more often than not, because I use it to post nonsense. But then, even that will probably die out, too.
(Funnily enough, as I was typing this, I got blocked out of DW AGAIN. This is after a week of changing my password FOUR TIMES and being locked out. FUCK YOU.)
This was originally posted over on Dreamwidth. Feel free to comment on either site!
Honestly, I'm starting to hate the internet. I hate what it does to people. I hate the power it gives over others. I hate that there is absolutely nothing sacred, safe, or private about it (hence why I won't even bother locking this post).
I am grateful for the wonderful friends I have met through the internet, but am also very damaged by those whom I shouldn't have trusted. I love that I am usually able to find wonderful people to talk to about things I love and thought I was the only one who loved them, but I also loathe fandom's horrid ability to suck the fun and magic out of everything I adore.
The internet has allowed me to post writings that would have probably remained in duotangs stuck in my closet, and these writings have brought me closer to more people. It has also alienated me from people, as of course only weirdos write fanfic, right? So I can't even brag about it to "normal" people, despite being extremely proud of that which I wrote.
If anything, my lukewarm success with fanfic has given me hubris as to just how good or bad my writing actually is. I soar high one moment, then get shot down the next. And any time I think about writing the stories that are deep in my heart, I cringe and cringe, because of course it's bad, cliched, overdone, and seen before. EVERYTHING has been seen before, in this highly published society. Anything I write, however good or bad, would be lost in the pool of those who already beat me to it. So why bother?
And the death of Kristen was like the last straw. I had no idea how much I had missed her and wished I was a better friend to her until she died, and I never even met her. All of you, whom I love so much, could flicker just like her, and then what? It's selfish, but I hate having my heart broken.
I barely have friends. I can count the number of friends I have outside of the internet on one hand (without even bothering with my thumb), so really my only social net is full of you - people who have thought me interesting enough to read my words on a screen. I trust you all with more than I trust my family, and I haven't met you. And yet those few friends I know I can barely trust.
How did my life get so backward? Am I the only one?
I'm not really going away off the internet. I just... I obviously am on it so rarely that nobody really would note a difference. I've given up being a "presence" on the internet. Why bother? That is everyone.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't expect much of anything from me anymore. I'm just... probably to vanish quietly, if that's what I decide to do.
Comments are disabled because I know I won't see the comments until too late for replying anyway. If you really need to get in touch, I usually check Twitter more often than not, because I use it to post nonsense. But then, even that will probably die out, too.
(Funnily enough, as I was typing this, I got blocked out of DW AGAIN. This is after a week of changing my password FOUR TIMES and being locked out. FUCK YOU.)
This was originally posted over on Dreamwidth. Feel free to comment on either site!