Silence Shattered By My Loud, Mannish Laugh
Hello.
It's been quite a long time, hasn't it? How are you all? What's new? What have I missed? I hope nothing bad.
I've been avoiding updating anything for weeks, obviously. It feels longer than it actually has been, which is odd to me. Time usually passes quickly for me. But it's been sluggish when it comes to going online.
I realised maybe a week after my last entry that these words fall upon many caring and kind eyes, and usually greeted by words sharing such feelings. But it wasn't until it really hit me that Kristen was dead, really dead and gone, and I would never meet her and hug her and thank her voice-to-voice for her years of love, support, challenge, and debate, that I suddenly just broke.
I sobbed. Hard. Because I realised that as I was grieving for Kristen, I was realising that it could happen to any of you. ANY OF YOU. And it HAD - to Kristen. I was (and am, truth be told) shaken to the core and terrified. I realised that loving, trusting, and knowing many of you, also made me come to terms with the very fact that I will probably NEVER meet 95% of you, and if I did lose any more of you, I would never know unless someone cared enough to come online on your behalf. There would be no way to see you, to be able to put flesh and blood and bone to words and icons and ideas.
So I disappeared. I wondered, rather in cruel irony, if anyone would wonder or think I died (finally and that there WAS no one there to let any of you know. And then I wondered about being alive, if I was, all of that terrifying shit that keeps me awake less now that I'm going off Zoloft (long story; will explain under a lock). For that, I'm very sorry if I actually DID scare any of you or made you think the worst.
The truth is, I have not been okay. I have been in a dark enclosed chrysalis of self-hate and self-blame, self-abuse and abuse to others (verbal - I'm pretty weak now anyway). I buried myself in my Nintento DS or in a pile of real books and a pile of e-books, in between Milo and Nim, hidden under the hand-stitched blanket my mother made and gave to me, that does little to warm my chill so deep that it's rare for me to feel anything but it when inside the house. I was afraid of the internet, of fandom and fanfiction, of reading any news, forums, or online things I used to adore.
I was, in short, acting like a child who has discovered death escapes no one. And it usually makes no sense in its claims. Which is exactly it.
But today I picked up my netbook instead of my tablet, and when I booted it up to look up a medicine, I found myself opening up a Notepad and typing all of this down, even before DreamWidth loaded or the internet connected properly. (During the duration of this update, the internet disconnected twice. Hard not to take that personally, internet.) I realised that I needed to contact you all, to keep contact open, just in case I actually DO lose any of you, though I hope I do not, and that I go first. Even though I do not feel particularly important, I can imagine that suddenly vanishing offline would be confusing at the least (no, the least is ignored. Oh well). In the span of ten years, I have spilled my guts online to the benefit of anyone willing to read it, and I suddenly have realised how significant that is.
Ten years. A decade of documentation. That is a long, long time, and plenty to easily watch me grow up. Well, so far, anyway. If I were to suddenly vanished on my own choice without so much as a so long, I do not like to imagine how that would feel for those of you who care. And while this is NOT my goodbye, please note that from now on, you can depend on my updating at least once a week, just even with one word or two, so you can make sure I live.
Plus, I began this journal to meet people and express my feelings. Granted, it was also to get closer to a boy I liked, but luckily he liked me too, and somehow we still do. I sort of feel as if it could also be a record of the relationship he and I have had, from the span of being dumb teenagers to actual adults (or adult-shaped... we really are still grossly affectionate).
So, to sum up, I really am still here and around. Just not online. And it was due to fear and loss and both. And I will strive to come online once a week, if just to update my writing (which has been really awesome).
Also, I humble request detailed comments about your own goings-on since I was online last. Even a sentence is okay. I just want to make sure you are all okay, and I think it would take WAY too long to try to read that far back (if I can).
A detailed post following this one will be locked, as it goes into details about personal stuff. So if I have not provided an acceptable explanation, you can probably figure it out from it (maybe). If you are reading this as a public post but would like to know more, just comment here and I will explain as much as I feel comfortable doing so in public. Otherwise, PM me.
Once again, sorry.
And, hello.
It's been quite a long time, hasn't it? How are you all? What's new? What have I missed? I hope nothing bad.
I've been avoiding updating anything for weeks, obviously. It feels longer than it actually has been, which is odd to me. Time usually passes quickly for me. But it's been sluggish when it comes to going online.
I realised maybe a week after my last entry that these words fall upon many caring and kind eyes, and usually greeted by words sharing such feelings. But it wasn't until it really hit me that Kristen was dead, really dead and gone, and I would never meet her and hug her and thank her voice-to-voice for her years of love, support, challenge, and debate, that I suddenly just broke.
I sobbed. Hard. Because I realised that as I was grieving for Kristen, I was realising that it could happen to any of you. ANY OF YOU. And it HAD - to Kristen. I was (and am, truth be told) shaken to the core and terrified. I realised that loving, trusting, and knowing many of you, also made me come to terms with the very fact that I will probably NEVER meet 95% of you, and if I did lose any more of you, I would never know unless someone cared enough to come online on your behalf. There would be no way to see you, to be able to put flesh and blood and bone to words and icons and ideas.
So I disappeared. I wondered, rather in cruel irony, if anyone would wonder or think I died (finally and that there WAS no one there to let any of you know. And then I wondered about being alive, if I was, all of that terrifying shit that keeps me awake less now that I'm going off Zoloft (long story; will explain under a lock). For that, I'm very sorry if I actually DID scare any of you or made you think the worst.
The truth is, I have not been okay. I have been in a dark enclosed chrysalis of self-hate and self-blame, self-abuse and abuse to others (verbal - I'm pretty weak now anyway). I buried myself in my Nintento DS or in a pile of real books and a pile of e-books, in between Milo and Nim, hidden under the hand-stitched blanket my mother made and gave to me, that does little to warm my chill so deep that it's rare for me to feel anything but it when inside the house. I was afraid of the internet, of fandom and fanfiction, of reading any news, forums, or online things I used to adore.
I was, in short, acting like a child who has discovered death escapes no one. And it usually makes no sense in its claims. Which is exactly it.
But today I picked up my netbook instead of my tablet, and when I booted it up to look up a medicine, I found myself opening up a Notepad and typing all of this down, even before DreamWidth loaded or the internet connected properly. (During the duration of this update, the internet disconnected twice. Hard not to take that personally, internet.) I realised that I needed to contact you all, to keep contact open, just in case I actually DO lose any of you, though I hope I do not, and that I go first. Even though I do not feel particularly important, I can imagine that suddenly vanishing offline would be confusing at the least (no, the least is ignored. Oh well). In the span of ten years, I have spilled my guts online to the benefit of anyone willing to read it, and I suddenly have realised how significant that is.
Ten years. A decade of documentation. That is a long, long time, and plenty to easily watch me grow up. Well, so far, anyway. If I were to suddenly vanished on my own choice without so much as a so long, I do not like to imagine how that would feel for those of you who care. And while this is NOT my goodbye, please note that from now on, you can depend on my updating at least once a week, just even with one word or two, so you can make sure I live.
Plus, I began this journal to meet people and express my feelings. Granted, it was also to get closer to a boy I liked, but luckily he liked me too, and somehow we still do. I sort of feel as if it could also be a record of the relationship he and I have had, from the span of being dumb teenagers to actual adults (or adult-shaped... we really are still grossly affectionate).
So, to sum up, I really am still here and around. Just not online. And it was due to fear and loss and both. And I will strive to come online once a week, if just to update my writing (which has been really awesome).
Also, I humble request detailed comments about your own goings-on since I was online last. Even a sentence is okay. I just want to make sure you are all okay, and I think it would take WAY too long to try to read that far back (if I can).
A detailed post following this one will be locked, as it goes into details about personal stuff. So if I have not provided an acceptable explanation, you can probably figure it out from it (maybe). If you are reading this as a public post but would like to know more, just comment here and I will explain as much as I feel comfortable doing so in public. Otherwise, PM me.
Once again, sorry.
And, hello.