Snow and Ash - Six
Shige:
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
I’ve been running away from the reality, the unfavorable. It’s time for me to focus on what I need to do, and not stop until I get there.
Ryo:
He’s already gone when I awake. He might have just left, or he may have been gone for a while. I have no way of knowing.
Just as I’m about to call him and discuss possibly meeting later to talk about what almost happened last night and ways we can try to make things better between us with the newfound limitations, I see his clothes from yesterday still in a pile on the floor and sticking out of the pocket is his cell phone. He doesn’t pick up his house phone.
The others are at work, and I sit down with a cup of coffee and look through a few papers and magazines for places who are hiring. I had a job for a while after I began to age once again after losing half of the curse, but the shop closed down not too long ago and I’d been looking for another, but that was put on hold when Shiku came into the picture.
After finding a few that look alright, my mind drifts back to last night. How angry I had been at Shige, and how close I had been to letting myself believe things wouldn’t work out. It’s hard, knowing that I’m the wall. Normally, if a wall was built between us, the both of us would try to find a way to knock it down. But instead he’s fighting to knock it down and I’m fighting to hold it up. Finally, last night, his efforts stopped and he let go, and it scares me to think what that will lead to. I was lying there last night, feeling sick that I couldn’t give him what he wants.
I distract myself for a few hours by meeting a few friends. I laugh with them, fool around a bit, and for a while I don't have to think about Shiku and curses and everything else.
--
Later on, it doesn’t take long to get to his apartment, doesn’t take long to find the right key and open the door, and doesn’t take long for me to realize he’s not here.
Shige’s not, but the octopus is. He’s sprawled out on the couch with a magazine like he lives here.
“Why are you here?” he grumbles in his usual defensive way, like I’m a pest that he can’t get rid of. Or, in his words, a freak.
I narrow my eyes. “I’m looking for my boyfriend, not that it’s anything you should be concerned about.”
“He’s not here.”
“I can see that, thanks.” I turn to leave, but he throws the magazine down on the table.
“Came back late last night, looking a bit frazzled…you wouldn’t happen to know why, would you?” As always, a threat.
“Again, it’s none of your concern.”
“Bullshit. He’s free from that little curse you put him under. It’s over…can’t you accept that and leave him alone? I can see it already, you’re making him upset.”
“You don’t know the half of it. Maybe you just walk away from things when they’re too hard, but I don’t. If I really thought that leaving him alone would make him happy, I’d do it. But that’s not the case…at least not right now.”
“You just can’t see it.”
“Are you done? I didn’t come here to discuss my relationship with you.”
His lips curve up into a smirk. “What are you going to do? Throw things around? Break something? That’ll make me change my mind.”
I hear the slam of the door and the clanking of metal on the counter. I turn around, and Shige leans against the counter, annoyed. “If you two are going to fight, then you can both leave. Go somewhere else.”
I can tell something’s bothering him, something beyond walking in on his best friend and his boyfriend fighting for the umpteenth time. Something possibly even beyond what happened last night.
“Where did you go after you left?” Tako asks, ignoring me now that Shige is present.
He leans into the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and holding it up in a silent question if I want one. I nod slowly, and he grabs another before shutting the door. “I went for a long walk, needed to clear my head and think over some things.”
My heart starts pounding.
After a troubling time, one of the first things we say is “I never want to do that again.” Or “I can’t imagine going through that again.” And we do everything to avoid it.
But no amount of avoidance could have prevented this, and once again we have to face what almost broke us in the past. Even though the terms are less, the insecurity still remains.
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
“Your phone,” I point out after noticing his phone in the pocket of his jeans.
“Yeah,” he mumbles. “I went back to get…it. My phone.”
I can’t help but notice the nervous tone the last part of the sentence took on but I shake it off, not really caring about the little things like that right now. Especially not when he stops next to me, hands me the bottle and I take it, looking right into his eyes as I do so. He moves closer, wraps his arms around my waist, and leans his head on my shoulder.
The moment he does so, though it may end up to be just wishful thinking, I have a feeling that things won’t end up the way I have been thinking they would.
Tako eyes this for a moment, probably waiting for the moment he pulls away. When he does, the smirk that is planted on Tako’s lips causes a feeling to rise up inside of me, one that can only be described as anger, but one tinged with envy. It’s true that I have a desire to end this curse, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also wish I was never cursed in the first place. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t anger me when I’m looked at like I’m not right for Shige, like I’m some sort of infliction.
I collapse onto the couch, focusing my energy and power on unscrewing the cap of the water bottle hands-free, twisting it instead of twisting him out of anger. As I listen to the two of them make small talk, I take a drink of the ice cold water, blocking it out. When you have a power that can be thrown off by emotions, you learn to block them out if possible.
“You’re sure you’re okay, Shige?” Tako asks for the third time.
“I will be. But I have to have a talk with Ryo first…I’ll walk you to your car?”
Tako agrees happily and regards me one more time before following Shige out the door.
I lean back on the couch, taking another sip too fast and I begin to choke on the water, a tear or two escaping the corners of my eyes, and I cough until I can breathe normally. In the background I can hear something break but I don’t notice what it is until I return to normal.
I sigh, shaking my head, and place the bottle on the end table before walking over towards the kitchen to see what broke. There, on the floor by my feet, is a broken frame, and I sweep away the shattered glass and sit down on the floor next to it, crossing my legs and picking it up. Another glass piece that I missed falls to the floor in one piece, and I look at the picture of the two of us, of one of the times we were fooling around during the times he used to carry a camera with him everywhere.
I hear the door open once again, and I turn to where Shige is staring at me then at the floor. “It broke?”
“Sorry.”
He shrugs and steps closer, cautiously, probably afraid of any broken glass. “I’ll just get another one. It’s one of my favorite pictures.”
“I swept up the glass.”
He sits down across from me and eyes the single piece. “Not very well,” he teases.
“If you don’t like the way I did it, do it yourself.”
He frowns at my response. “What’s wrong with you today? I told you I wasn’t going to try anything again.”
“That’s it. I should be able to do this for you.”
“No,” he says and takes the frame out of my hands, setting it aside and grasping onto my fingers. “I don’t know if I ever told you, but what you’re doing is amazing.” He lets go, waits a moment and then takes my hand once again. “Before, I never thought about it in a good light because it limited us from being together. And when I was a part of ending it, it was overwhelming because it was a big responsibility to take on. But it really is amazing, Ryo.”
When he says this, a sense of relaxation washes over me and he lets go of my hand and warm lips press against my own. “I shouldn’t have been angry at you for it.” He kisses me again, and the routine from last night begins, pulling away after eight seconds, just barely, before going back. But something doesn’t feel right.
I pull away and he stares at me, confused. “It’s not that I don’t like it, but...why aren’t you so upset about the eight seconds and the counting anymore all of a sudden?”
He directs his eyes to the floor, and I instantly know I was right. He’s hiding something.
“Because I won’t have to deal with it for much longer.”
I can’t speak.
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth before. I went back to get this, not my phone.”
I watch as he pulls out a slip of paper from his back pocket. “Why did you lie?”
“I didn’t want Tako to know.”
He hands it to me, and I unfold it, eyeing a man’s name next to the horribly drawn sketch of his face. “A mutant?”
He nods.
I look through the useless words like Name, Age, Address, looking for a reason why Shige would want anything to do with him, until I read the word Power. “Time travel?”
“Yeah…I want to go back, Ryo.”
“Shiku isn’t affected by that, though. She’ll just come back and take it away again without a care in the world.”
He shakes his head. “Not that.”
“Then to when?”
“I want to go back to…before I met you.”
My heart stops. Shige grimaces, shakes his head. “I mean…back to before you guys saved me.”
My voice is shaky when I open my mouth. “You’ll probably still know we exist…so if you want to forget us-“
His eyes widen and he squeezes my hand. “No. No, Ryo, no. I don’t want to forget you.”
“Then…” I take my hand away, probably too early, but I’m to tense to care about counting. “Fuck, Shige just say what you mean.”
He breathes in deeply. “I don’t want you to save me.”
“…What?”
“Remember I woke up one night saying that I saw something that happened in the past, but it was different? It wasn’t a memory. I was seeing myself relive the past. And change it.”
Leave it to him to find some way to accomplish the impossible. “You want to be a mutant?”
“I want to be with you freely, which I’ll be able to afterwards. I want to be a part of this world again, belong to this life, the one you belong to, which I’ll be able to. I want this. I don’t feel right being…normal. As crazy as that sounds, it’ll solve everything.”
I replay the fuzzy memories of XMA in my mind, of running around, dodging falling debris, having my head slammed repeatedly into the wall before and after being controlled, and almost killing myself and everyone around me. “Don’t you remember the one who slipped through the floor, the one with the strength to break a bone with a single touch, the one with knives ripping out of her skin, the one who melted into water, the one with the skin of a snake…not all of the powers are as easy to manage and hide as what the four back home have.”
“I know. I know.”
I’m silent once again, and so is he, though he’s probably just giving me time to register what he just told me. I want to say Great plan, it’ll solve everything. Let’s do it. But all I can remember are the rooms of torture, the stories of pain from the others back home, and the mangled looks of some of the ones that refused to leave XMA because they were brainwashed. The ones who lost any sense of who they were…
Tears spring to my eyes before I even realize. Shige shifts uncomfortably, touches my cheek.
“Don’t do it,” I plead, though pointless. “I don’t want to lose you like some of those mutants lost themselves. I want you to stay the way you are, and I know that’s selfish, but-“
“Shhh, relax.” He moves closer, his leg touching mine, and all I want is to tighten my arms around him, bury my face into his shoulder and not let go, not have to sit back and wait as he puts himself through torture. But I slide back away from him, even though I know that doing so just fed his determination even more.
“I just wanted to see if it was possible before I told you. I talked to the mutant about it, and he can pull me out if it gets too bad or if I want to leave. I just have to take this off.” He reaches under his shirt and pulls out a necklace that looks like a chain with scrap metal hanging off of it. “Things will go back to normal, as long as it’s before the three day point.”
“It’s dirty,” I blurt out mindlessly.
He scrutinizes it for a few moments before letting it hang freely. “He made it when he was locked in XMA, in a room by himself because the man who ran it didn’t think he’d need him immediately since his power wasn’t offensive.”
“And this is where you want to go?”
“It’s dangerous, I know. If there wasn’t a way out like this,” he grips the metal once again, “I wouldn’t even consider it.”
I think about it for a few moments, and it turns into a few minutes before either of us say anything. The only motion in the room is that of our fingers grasping each other’s and letting go, holding and letting go. Going back and forth between decisions, between agreeing despite the fear and disagreeing for the same reason.
His hand is soft, always has been. Every time he lets go, I want to hold on once again. Every time his warmth wraps around my fingers once again, it reminds me how much I love him, and how I want him to have what he wants. Even if my heart is still pounding, I don’t want be the one to deny him anymore. He’s not stupid; he wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t think it over first.
“Okay. But one question. How did you get this mutant to agree to this? I’m sure it’s not that easy.”
He laughs awkwardly and rubs the back of his neck nervously. “The first thing I had to do was talk to the mutant to see if he’d do it. The second thing I had to do was talk to you about it to hear your thoughts. The third and final thing I need to do is talk to the others…to see if they’ll agree to the terms of the deal I made with the mutant.”
“Sounds like a deal with the devil.”
“Not really. More like a deal with someone who loves a show.”
---
Shige:
Ryo took the plan better than I thought he would. I could tell he was nervous and he’s worried about me, but nothing could deny the fact that he’s here for me, supporting me even when he doesn’t agree. In that way, it’s like I still have part of that life I thought I lost completely.
It’s beginning to rain outside, and in the distance I can hear the rumble of thunder. Ryo opens the door to the house and I step in first, seeing Koyama sitting on the floor in the living room where the couch used to be, watching something on TV and Yamapi lying across the floor with his head in Koyama’s lap. Everything is moved to the side, making it seem like the two of them are the only things in the room. The volume is so low I can barely hear it, and Koyama looks down to Yamapi worriedly, running his fingers over his forehead and passing them through his hair. Yamapi is breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling quickly with every labored breath.
I’ve never seen anything like it. If he feels ill, Koyama usually takes care of it, same with if he’s burned. But now, it’s like he’s sick with something Koyama can’t heal.
“Everything okay?” I ask quietly and Koyama looks up at me for a moment before taking one of Yamapi’s arms, extending it and facing his palm upwards. Blue fire appears on his palm and Yamapi shakes, his breathing suddenly calming. My heart skips with worry, and suddenly what I was about to talk to them about doesn’t matter as much.
“Um…,” he responds finally, his voice exhausted. “It will be. I just don’t know how long this will go on.”
“What exactly is going on?” I ask, and I look to Ryo, but his expression tells me that it’s happened before.
Koyama raises his arm and wipes the sweat from his forehead. “He doesn’t use his power much to begin with, but lately he hasn’t been using it at all. It’s overwhelming him.”
I think back to the times I see him sitting outside, reading or grading with one hand, and with the other, starting a flame and putting it out. He’d continue like that for a while, and I used to shake it off thinking he just did it absently. I never knew he had to do it to release some of it so he wouldn’t be taken over by it, though it makes sense. “So we just have to wait it out?”
“Yeah,” he says, still optimistic, and looks down when Yamapi shifts a little. “He’s strong, he’ll be okay.”
Ryo touches my shoulder and motions to the kitchen with a jerk of his head. I follow him into the kitchen and he turns around, leaning against the counter. “Don’t worry about him too much, last time he was fine in a few days.”
“I can’t ask them. Not now.”
He smirks. “Idiot. He’ll be grateful. Kei-chan too. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”
I open the refrigerator, eyeing the contents and trying to come up with something to prepare for dinner so the others won’t have to worry about it. Ryo comes over when I take too long to decide, moving me over and taking out a few things I’ve been looking at.
“You just cut off quite a bit of recovery time.”
I stare at him blankly. “He can’t even move. How could I ask him to go back to XMA and fight?”
“Because it’s a place where he can use his power and release it all at once? Think about it,” he says without even looking back at me from where he is heating a pan. “If you want this so badly, you’re going to have to talk to them.”
--
When I went to talk to the time-travel mutant this morning, I expected him to say No, or say it’s impossible, or that everything afterwards would change along with it.
He cannot travel himself; he can only watch as others travel back in time by his power.
I explained myself to him, but I never expected him to agree. He told me that I can go back to any time in the past three years, for three days. If I make it to the three day point, I’ll return to the present and whatever I changed would also be changed in the present. In my case, the fact that I’d be a mutant would carry over to the present, but nothing else would. Everything else will be the same; the only thing that would change is me. Not a domino effect of changed events or people who don’t remember me because they don’t know me. Everything will be the same as it is right now, except for me. I’d continue with my life as a mutant.
There was a catch, however. He’ll only allow me to stay the three days and make the change permanent if XMA is destroyed a second time. When we found him, he was knocked unconscious, and when he woke up he was told that XMA was no longer in existence. He was never able to release the vengeance that kept him alive in the empty, locked room. If he can watch us fight and destroy XMA for a second time, meaning we’d have to succeed a second time, he’ll allow me to stay the full time. If not, he’ll pull us all out and everything will return to normal.
In order to defeat XMA, everyone has to come with me.
Koyama always tells me, If you need anything, we’re here for you. But isn’t there a limit? Isn’t there a limit to what you can ask of someone, no matter how close they are to you? To me, as strange as it sounds, it seems that the closer the person, the closer the limit. You never want to endanger those you love, especially for your own benefit.
---
When we’re almost finished with dinner, the smell of food lures the others towards the kitchen. Even Yamapi, who leans exhaustedly against Koyama.
“Feeling better, Pi?” Ryo asks and Yamapi nods slowly, and I eye the holes in his shirt and shorts. Burn holes.
I explain it, nervously, over dinner. It comes as a shock to all of them, but Yamapi agrees first, saying how much better he’d feel if he was able to use a large amount of his power. Koyama was next, saying he’d be there anytime I (and in this case, also Yamapi) need him. But only after I explained that if any of us are hurt beyond what he can heal, we’ll end it, and come back to the present where everything will be the same as it is now. There’s really no danger for them, and it’ll be to help me, and so it doesn’t take long before Tegoshi and Massu also agree.
The only danger in this situation lies within me. The mutant made it very clear that he can only send me back to the past once. Meaning, if something goes wrong, whether with the others or with myself changing into something that I can’t hide, or something that would hurt myself or others, that’s it. Game over, if you will.
Only one chance, with only two outcomes. One, I am changed into something I can manage and hide enough to live a normal life and I come back to the present and am able to be part of this life I’ve been missing, and live together with Ryo in ways that will make the both of us happy.
Or, I come back to the present the way I am now, and adjust to this life the way it is. And with Ryo, well I can’t really say. I’m not going to be foolish and say we’ll adjust completely to anything life throws at us and we’ll be completely happy living separated lives. But either way, I’ll always love him the way I did in both lives, in both situations, limited or not. Restricted or free. The only thing that would change is whether that love will break my heart with every count to the number eight, or create happiness with nothing holding us back.
It can go either way, and honestly, it’s frightening. But I have to keep hope.
I used to say that our story wasn’t like one in a storybook, filled with happiness and unrealistic perfection. We aren’t guaranteed a happy ending, but it’s not guaranteed that it won’t be one. The only thing that is guaranteed is that there will be a story between us.
Either way.
End of Chapter Six
A/N: I’ve been listening to Westlife quite a bit recently, and when I heard their version of the song “Angel,” I saw that some of the lyrics fit into both of the boys’ situations and explained them well. :)
Of course I was influenced by Ryo & Pi’s flu, so I gave Pi a mutant flu. :P I’m so glad they’re doing much better now. ♪ But they need and deserve more rest.
There were a lot of changes in this chapter, so if there are any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! ^^ I hope it wasn’t too confusing.
Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
I’ve been running away from the reality, the unfavorable. It’s time for me to focus on what I need to do, and not stop until I get there.
Ryo:
He’s already gone when I awake. He might have just left, or he may have been gone for a while. I have no way of knowing.
Just as I’m about to call him and discuss possibly meeting later to talk about what almost happened last night and ways we can try to make things better between us with the newfound limitations, I see his clothes from yesterday still in a pile on the floor and sticking out of the pocket is his cell phone. He doesn’t pick up his house phone.
The others are at work, and I sit down with a cup of coffee and look through a few papers and magazines for places who are hiring. I had a job for a while after I began to age once again after losing half of the curse, but the shop closed down not too long ago and I’d been looking for another, but that was put on hold when Shiku came into the picture.
After finding a few that look alright, my mind drifts back to last night. How angry I had been at Shige, and how close I had been to letting myself believe things wouldn’t work out. It’s hard, knowing that I’m the wall. Normally, if a wall was built between us, the both of us would try to find a way to knock it down. But instead he’s fighting to knock it down and I’m fighting to hold it up. Finally, last night, his efforts stopped and he let go, and it scares me to think what that will lead to. I was lying there last night, feeling sick that I couldn’t give him what he wants.
I distract myself for a few hours by meeting a few friends. I laugh with them, fool around a bit, and for a while I don't have to think about Shiku and curses and everything else.
--
Later on, it doesn’t take long to get to his apartment, doesn’t take long to find the right key and open the door, and doesn’t take long for me to realize he’s not here.
Shige’s not, but the octopus is. He’s sprawled out on the couch with a magazine like he lives here.
“Why are you here?” he grumbles in his usual defensive way, like I’m a pest that he can’t get rid of. Or, in his words, a freak.
I narrow my eyes. “I’m looking for my boyfriend, not that it’s anything you should be concerned about.”
“He’s not here.”
“I can see that, thanks.” I turn to leave, but he throws the magazine down on the table.
“Came back late last night, looking a bit frazzled…you wouldn’t happen to know why, would you?” As always, a threat.
“Again, it’s none of your concern.”
“Bullshit. He’s free from that little curse you put him under. It’s over…can’t you accept that and leave him alone? I can see it already, you’re making him upset.”
“You don’t know the half of it. Maybe you just walk away from things when they’re too hard, but I don’t. If I really thought that leaving him alone would make him happy, I’d do it. But that’s not the case…at least not right now.”
“You just can’t see it.”
“Are you done? I didn’t come here to discuss my relationship with you.”
His lips curve up into a smirk. “What are you going to do? Throw things around? Break something? That’ll make me change my mind.”
I hear the slam of the door and the clanking of metal on the counter. I turn around, and Shige leans against the counter, annoyed. “If you two are going to fight, then you can both leave. Go somewhere else.”
I can tell something’s bothering him, something beyond walking in on his best friend and his boyfriend fighting for the umpteenth time. Something possibly even beyond what happened last night.
“Where did you go after you left?” Tako asks, ignoring me now that Shige is present.
He leans into the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water and holding it up in a silent question if I want one. I nod slowly, and he grabs another before shutting the door. “I went for a long walk, needed to clear my head and think over some things.”
My heart starts pounding.
After a troubling time, one of the first things we say is “I never want to do that again.” Or “I can’t imagine going through that again.” And we do everything to avoid it.
But no amount of avoidance could have prevented this, and once again we have to face what almost broke us in the past. Even though the terms are less, the insecurity still remains.
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
“Your phone,” I point out after noticing his phone in the pocket of his jeans.
“Yeah,” he mumbles. “I went back to get…it. My phone.”
I can’t help but notice the nervous tone the last part of the sentence took on but I shake it off, not really caring about the little things like that right now. Especially not when he stops next to me, hands me the bottle and I take it, looking right into his eyes as I do so. He moves closer, wraps his arms around my waist, and leans his head on my shoulder.
The moment he does so, though it may end up to be just wishful thinking, I have a feeling that things won’t end up the way I have been thinking they would.
Tako eyes this for a moment, probably waiting for the moment he pulls away. When he does, the smirk that is planted on Tako’s lips causes a feeling to rise up inside of me, one that can only be described as anger, but one tinged with envy. It’s true that I have a desire to end this curse, but that doesn’t mean I don’t also wish I was never cursed in the first place. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t anger me when I’m looked at like I’m not right for Shige, like I’m some sort of infliction.
I collapse onto the couch, focusing my energy and power on unscrewing the cap of the water bottle hands-free, twisting it instead of twisting him out of anger. As I listen to the two of them make small talk, I take a drink of the ice cold water, blocking it out. When you have a power that can be thrown off by emotions, you learn to block them out if possible.
“You’re sure you’re okay, Shige?” Tako asks for the third time.
“I will be. But I have to have a talk with Ryo first…I’ll walk you to your car?”
Tako agrees happily and regards me one more time before following Shige out the door.
I lean back on the couch, taking another sip too fast and I begin to choke on the water, a tear or two escaping the corners of my eyes, and I cough until I can breathe normally. In the background I can hear something break but I don’t notice what it is until I return to normal.
I sigh, shaking my head, and place the bottle on the end table before walking over towards the kitchen to see what broke. There, on the floor by my feet, is a broken frame, and I sweep away the shattered glass and sit down on the floor next to it, crossing my legs and picking it up. Another glass piece that I missed falls to the floor in one piece, and I look at the picture of the two of us, of one of the times we were fooling around during the times he used to carry a camera with him everywhere.
I hear the door open once again, and I turn to where Shige is staring at me then at the floor. “It broke?”
“Sorry.”
He shrugs and steps closer, cautiously, probably afraid of any broken glass. “I’ll just get another one. It’s one of my favorite pictures.”
“I swept up the glass.”
He sits down across from me and eyes the single piece. “Not very well,” he teases.
“If you don’t like the way I did it, do it yourself.”
He frowns at my response. “What’s wrong with you today? I told you I wasn’t going to try anything again.”
“That’s it. I should be able to do this for you.”
“No,” he says and takes the frame out of my hands, setting it aside and grasping onto my fingers. “I don’t know if I ever told you, but what you’re doing is amazing.” He lets go, waits a moment and then takes my hand once again. “Before, I never thought about it in a good light because it limited us from being together. And when I was a part of ending it, it was overwhelming because it was a big responsibility to take on. But it really is amazing, Ryo.”
When he says this, a sense of relaxation washes over me and he lets go of my hand and warm lips press against my own. “I shouldn’t have been angry at you for it.” He kisses me again, and the routine from last night begins, pulling away after eight seconds, just barely, before going back. But something doesn’t feel right.
I pull away and he stares at me, confused. “It’s not that I don’t like it, but...why aren’t you so upset about the eight seconds and the counting anymore all of a sudden?”
He directs his eyes to the floor, and I instantly know I was right. He’s hiding something.
“Because I won’t have to deal with it for much longer.”
I can’t speak.
“I didn’t tell you the whole truth before. I went back to get this, not my phone.”
I watch as he pulls out a slip of paper from his back pocket. “Why did you lie?”
“I didn’t want Tako to know.”
He hands it to me, and I unfold it, eyeing a man’s name next to the horribly drawn sketch of his face. “A mutant?”
He nods.
I look through the useless words like Name, Age, Address, looking for a reason why Shige would want anything to do with him, until I read the word Power. “Time travel?”
“Yeah…I want to go back, Ryo.”
“Shiku isn’t affected by that, though. She’ll just come back and take it away again without a care in the world.”
He shakes his head. “Not that.”
“Then to when?”
“I want to go back to…before I met you.”
My heart stops. Shige grimaces, shakes his head. “I mean…back to before you guys saved me.”
My voice is shaky when I open my mouth. “You’ll probably still know we exist…so if you want to forget us-“
His eyes widen and he squeezes my hand. “No. No, Ryo, no. I don’t want to forget you.”
“Then…” I take my hand away, probably too early, but I’m to tense to care about counting. “Fuck, Shige just say what you mean.”
He breathes in deeply. “I don’t want you to save me.”
“…What?”
“Remember I woke up one night saying that I saw something that happened in the past, but it was different? It wasn’t a memory. I was seeing myself relive the past. And change it.”
Leave it to him to find some way to accomplish the impossible. “You want to be a mutant?”
“I want to be with you freely, which I’ll be able to afterwards. I want to be a part of this world again, belong to this life, the one you belong to, which I’ll be able to. I want this. I don’t feel right being…normal. As crazy as that sounds, it’ll solve everything.”
I replay the fuzzy memories of XMA in my mind, of running around, dodging falling debris, having my head slammed repeatedly into the wall before and after being controlled, and almost killing myself and everyone around me. “Don’t you remember the one who slipped through the floor, the one with the strength to break a bone with a single touch, the one with knives ripping out of her skin, the one who melted into water, the one with the skin of a snake…not all of the powers are as easy to manage and hide as what the four back home have.”
“I know. I know.”
I’m silent once again, and so is he, though he’s probably just giving me time to register what he just told me. I want to say Great plan, it’ll solve everything. Let’s do it. But all I can remember are the rooms of torture, the stories of pain from the others back home, and the mangled looks of some of the ones that refused to leave XMA because they were brainwashed. The ones who lost any sense of who they were…
Tears spring to my eyes before I even realize. Shige shifts uncomfortably, touches my cheek.
“Don’t do it,” I plead, though pointless. “I don’t want to lose you like some of those mutants lost themselves. I want you to stay the way you are, and I know that’s selfish, but-“
“Shhh, relax.” He moves closer, his leg touching mine, and all I want is to tighten my arms around him, bury my face into his shoulder and not let go, not have to sit back and wait as he puts himself through torture. But I slide back away from him, even though I know that doing so just fed his determination even more.
“I just wanted to see if it was possible before I told you. I talked to the mutant about it, and he can pull me out if it gets too bad or if I want to leave. I just have to take this off.” He reaches under his shirt and pulls out a necklace that looks like a chain with scrap metal hanging off of it. “Things will go back to normal, as long as it’s before the three day point.”
“It’s dirty,” I blurt out mindlessly.
He scrutinizes it for a few moments before letting it hang freely. “He made it when he was locked in XMA, in a room by himself because the man who ran it didn’t think he’d need him immediately since his power wasn’t offensive.”
“And this is where you want to go?”
“It’s dangerous, I know. If there wasn’t a way out like this,” he grips the metal once again, “I wouldn’t even consider it.”
I think about it for a few moments, and it turns into a few minutes before either of us say anything. The only motion in the room is that of our fingers grasping each other’s and letting go, holding and letting go. Going back and forth between decisions, between agreeing despite the fear and disagreeing for the same reason.
His hand is soft, always has been. Every time he lets go, I want to hold on once again. Every time his warmth wraps around my fingers once again, it reminds me how much I love him, and how I want him to have what he wants. Even if my heart is still pounding, I don’t want be the one to deny him anymore. He’s not stupid; he wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t think it over first.
“Okay. But one question. How did you get this mutant to agree to this? I’m sure it’s not that easy.”
He laughs awkwardly and rubs the back of his neck nervously. “The first thing I had to do was talk to the mutant to see if he’d do it. The second thing I had to do was talk to you about it to hear your thoughts. The third and final thing I need to do is talk to the others…to see if they’ll agree to the terms of the deal I made with the mutant.”
“Sounds like a deal with the devil.”
“Not really. More like a deal with someone who loves a show.”
---
Shige:
Ryo took the plan better than I thought he would. I could tell he was nervous and he’s worried about me, but nothing could deny the fact that he’s here for me, supporting me even when he doesn’t agree. In that way, it’s like I still have part of that life I thought I lost completely.
It’s beginning to rain outside, and in the distance I can hear the rumble of thunder. Ryo opens the door to the house and I step in first, seeing Koyama sitting on the floor in the living room where the couch used to be, watching something on TV and Yamapi lying across the floor with his head in Koyama’s lap. Everything is moved to the side, making it seem like the two of them are the only things in the room. The volume is so low I can barely hear it, and Koyama looks down to Yamapi worriedly, running his fingers over his forehead and passing them through his hair. Yamapi is breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling quickly with every labored breath.
I’ve never seen anything like it. If he feels ill, Koyama usually takes care of it, same with if he’s burned. But now, it’s like he’s sick with something Koyama can’t heal.
“Everything okay?” I ask quietly and Koyama looks up at me for a moment before taking one of Yamapi’s arms, extending it and facing his palm upwards. Blue fire appears on his palm and Yamapi shakes, his breathing suddenly calming. My heart skips with worry, and suddenly what I was about to talk to them about doesn’t matter as much.
“Um…,” he responds finally, his voice exhausted. “It will be. I just don’t know how long this will go on.”
“What exactly is going on?” I ask, and I look to Ryo, but his expression tells me that it’s happened before.
Koyama raises his arm and wipes the sweat from his forehead. “He doesn’t use his power much to begin with, but lately he hasn’t been using it at all. It’s overwhelming him.”
I think back to the times I see him sitting outside, reading or grading with one hand, and with the other, starting a flame and putting it out. He’d continue like that for a while, and I used to shake it off thinking he just did it absently. I never knew he had to do it to release some of it so he wouldn’t be taken over by it, though it makes sense. “So we just have to wait it out?”
“Yeah,” he says, still optimistic, and looks down when Yamapi shifts a little. “He’s strong, he’ll be okay.”
Ryo touches my shoulder and motions to the kitchen with a jerk of his head. I follow him into the kitchen and he turns around, leaning against the counter. “Don’t worry about him too much, last time he was fine in a few days.”
“I can’t ask them. Not now.”
He smirks. “Idiot. He’ll be grateful. Kei-chan too. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”
I open the refrigerator, eyeing the contents and trying to come up with something to prepare for dinner so the others won’t have to worry about it. Ryo comes over when I take too long to decide, moving me over and taking out a few things I’ve been looking at.
“You just cut off quite a bit of recovery time.”
I stare at him blankly. “He can’t even move. How could I ask him to go back to XMA and fight?”
“Because it’s a place where he can use his power and release it all at once? Think about it,” he says without even looking back at me from where he is heating a pan. “If you want this so badly, you’re going to have to talk to them.”
--
When I went to talk to the time-travel mutant this morning, I expected him to say No, or say it’s impossible, or that everything afterwards would change along with it.
He cannot travel himself; he can only watch as others travel back in time by his power.
I explained myself to him, but I never expected him to agree. He told me that I can go back to any time in the past three years, for three days. If I make it to the three day point, I’ll return to the present and whatever I changed would also be changed in the present. In my case, the fact that I’d be a mutant would carry over to the present, but nothing else would. Everything else will be the same; the only thing that would change is me. Not a domino effect of changed events or people who don’t remember me because they don’t know me. Everything will be the same as it is right now, except for me. I’d continue with my life as a mutant.
There was a catch, however. He’ll only allow me to stay the three days and make the change permanent if XMA is destroyed a second time. When we found him, he was knocked unconscious, and when he woke up he was told that XMA was no longer in existence. He was never able to release the vengeance that kept him alive in the empty, locked room. If he can watch us fight and destroy XMA for a second time, meaning we’d have to succeed a second time, he’ll allow me to stay the full time. If not, he’ll pull us all out and everything will return to normal.
In order to defeat XMA, everyone has to come with me.
Koyama always tells me, If you need anything, we’re here for you. But isn’t there a limit? Isn’t there a limit to what you can ask of someone, no matter how close they are to you? To me, as strange as it sounds, it seems that the closer the person, the closer the limit. You never want to endanger those you love, especially for your own benefit.
---
When we’re almost finished with dinner, the smell of food lures the others towards the kitchen. Even Yamapi, who leans exhaustedly against Koyama.
“Feeling better, Pi?” Ryo asks and Yamapi nods slowly, and I eye the holes in his shirt and shorts. Burn holes.
I explain it, nervously, over dinner. It comes as a shock to all of them, but Yamapi agrees first, saying how much better he’d feel if he was able to use a large amount of his power. Koyama was next, saying he’d be there anytime I (and in this case, also Yamapi) need him. But only after I explained that if any of us are hurt beyond what he can heal, we’ll end it, and come back to the present where everything will be the same as it is now. There’s really no danger for them, and it’ll be to help me, and so it doesn’t take long before Tegoshi and Massu also agree.
The only danger in this situation lies within me. The mutant made it very clear that he can only send me back to the past once. Meaning, if something goes wrong, whether with the others or with myself changing into something that I can’t hide, or something that would hurt myself or others, that’s it. Game over, if you will.
Only one chance, with only two outcomes. One, I am changed into something I can manage and hide enough to live a normal life and I come back to the present and am able to be part of this life I’ve been missing, and live together with Ryo in ways that will make the both of us happy.
Or, I come back to the present the way I am now, and adjust to this life the way it is. And with Ryo, well I can’t really say. I’m not going to be foolish and say we’ll adjust completely to anything life throws at us and we’ll be completely happy living separated lives. But either way, I’ll always love him the way I did in both lives, in both situations, limited or not. Restricted or free. The only thing that would change is whether that love will break my heart with every count to the number eight, or create happiness with nothing holding us back.
It can go either way, and honestly, it’s frightening. But I have to keep hope.
I used to say that our story wasn’t like one in a storybook, filled with happiness and unrealistic perfection. We aren’t guaranteed a happy ending, but it’s not guaranteed that it won’t be one. The only thing that is guaranteed is that there will be a story between us.
Either way.
End of Chapter Six
A/N: I’ve been listening to Westlife quite a bit recently, and when I heard their version of the song “Angel,” I saw that some of the lyrics fit into both of the boys’ situations and explained them well. :)
Of course I was influenced by Ryo & Pi’s flu, so I gave Pi a mutant flu. :P I’m so glad they’re doing much better now. ♪ But they need and deserve more rest.
There were a lot of changes in this chapter, so if there are any questions, don’t hesitate to ask! ^^ I hope it wasn’t too confusing.