Hard Hand to Hold - Ten
Chapter Ten:
“Where you gonna spend the night? There’s no other place to be than by my side”
Shige:
The room is dimly lit, royal blue curtains pulled over the only window. The comforter is soft under me and Koji is warm lying on top of me, kissing me slowly. We had been talking for a while on his bed, while I glanced around at the sports memorabilia on the walls and on the dresser. It was quite possibly the longest time either of us sat down just to talk with each other.
With Koji, when I’m not working, we usually spend time together as a group with other co-stars. When we are finally alone, our time is usually spent on the physical. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a part of him that is closed off to me. Which is why, even though no part of me wants to, I always connect him back to Ryo.
I always thought I had a deep connection with Ryo, an understanding I treasured more than anything else. But then I figured out that he was actually in love with someone whose name he never mentioned. It’s probably just paranoia that connects that situation to this one. I’m afraid that with Koji, though it is highly unlikely for the same situation to occur, something else will come up that will have the same effect.
He moves from my lips to kiss across my jaw and I feel his hand slip up my shirt, his fingers warm and soft on my skin.
“Koji,” I whisper gently when his lips meet my collarbone and he lifts his head to look into my eyes.
“What’s up?” he asks, concerned, before smiling a comforting smile that makes me want to shut up and forget that the thought of stopping ever popped into my head. “You don’t want to?”
“It’s not that. We should go out for dinner or something.”
He runs his fingers across my stomach. “You’re hungry?”
“Sort of.”
“Okay.” He grabs my glasses from the table - he always takes them off when we’re like this. “You know, you really should get contacts. I like to see your eyes.”
“I have them.”
“Oh.”
“I'll be wearing them for the play.”
He smiles. “The pictures look amazing, by the way.” He ruffles my hair. “Messy hair,” he says and moves his hand down to run his finger gently under my eye. “Eyeliner. It’s a good look for you.”
“Shut up,” I complain and move his hand away.
He laughs in response. “I'm serious.”
I try to push him away, but he, as always, chooses to wrestle with me playfully instead. My glasses end up falling to the floor and I give up, returning the kiss when he kisses me and moving away when he rolls onto his back.
After I put my glasses back on, I fix my ruined hair in the mirror. “Let's go, before the places start crowding.”
I can see him smile warmly in the reflection. “Kei-san's right. You're only happy if your stomach's happy.”
When I reach the door, he grabs my hand and flips off the light switch. “My treat.”
I smile back at him and we descend the stairs, grabbing our coats on the way.
-~-~-~-
Christmas, almost as much of a “couple-holiday” as Valentine’s. Strings of colored lights line buildings, stores and houses. People buy cakes and wrap gifts in shiny paper and curled ribbons.
It passes without a call from Ryo. I call him once or twice, but it goes straight to voice mail each time.
A few days later, I spend New Year’s Eve with Kei and Koji and Kairi. We drink champagne and share stories about the past year as we all wait for the moment when the new one officially begins.
And still without a call or even a simple message.
-~-~-~
Towards the middle of January, not long before my play is scheduled to begin, I get a call when hanging out with some friends after the bookstore closes. I excuse myself, and wander over to an area between two bookshelves before placing it to my ear.
“What happened? You never called.”
“Sorry. I ran into-” He begins but is cut off by a sound of laughter in the background.
“Noeru?”
He sighs. “It’s not what you think, Shige.”
I lean against the shelf gently, careful not to knock anything over and draw attention to myself. “Even if it is, that’s fine. You just should have at least called to cancel.”
“I’m sorry, Shige…my mind was elsewhere. I could barely think.”
“Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
The feelings of frustration suddenly begin to fade. “What happened?”
“One second.”
Noe, I’m going to go outside for a bit.
Got it.
I can hear some doors shutting on the other end.
“I um…started working on my apartment. Noeru seemed like he was fine, happy even. But then he had a bruise on his arm. He said he fell carrying stuff up the stairs but I didn’t believe it. Then two nights later, he didn’t come over. We had plans to cook dinner so I called him and he sounded really…off. I-“
He breaks off, and not only can tell that it’s hard for him, but that this is the first time he’s told anyone any of it. “Calm down, Ryo. You can tell me.”
“I went looking for him. It was cold that night and I was about to give up after I told myself it was nothing like he said. But I decided I’d look through two more streets.” He pauses. “He was sitting, leaning against a building in an alley with a beer in one hand, messed up shirt and bruises all over him. I panicked and ran over to him, and he ignored my questions at first. He was in this daze, Shige. Finally, he broke down and hugged me, sobbing. He had hit rock bottom and I didn’t even realize any of it. He put on this front this entire time while in reality he was still hurting because of what happened to us. I should have known he didn’t take it as well as he acted like.”
“It’s not your fault, Ryo. Did someone beat him up?”
“Some bastard talked him up at a bar, acted nice, took him home and was violent with him. More than one night. He’s always so gentle and that guy took him-”
He begins to sob quietly and I close my eyes, trying to dull the sting rising up in my chest. “Ryo…I can come over there if you need me to.”
“No, have fun with your friends, boyfriend, whoever you’re with.” I quickly realize the guys are loud enough to carry over to Ryo through the phone.
I’m about to say Are you sure? Alright, if you need anything, call. But I can’t.
“Where are you?”
---
I head up the stairs of his apartment building and take off my gloves, inserting them into both pockets of my coat. It’s hot and stuffy so I unzip the coat and remove it, stuffing it under my arm as I continue to ascend. When I reach where Ryo is standing, he is leaning against the wall and holding onto the railing.
“It makes me sick to think there is a man like that living in the same city I do.”
The pain is written clearly on his face and it is as if words have all lost their meaning as I cannot find one to say. I drop my coat on the nearest step and walk over to him, pulling him close to me. He seems a bit caught off guard by the action at first, but then loosens up after a few moments and hugs me tightly, though I can tell all his strength has faded away.
“Talk to me,” I whisper into his ear and pull away. He sinks to the ground and I kneel next to him, wiping away a tear that falls. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now after seeing the one he was so in love with hurt so mercilessly by someone else. A man whose face and name are still blurred by mystery.
My mind drifts back to the night he arrived at my doorstep, dripping wet, and fell asleep on my lap as I read a book that has become one of my favorites. Without question, I sit with my back against the wall and straighten my legs out in front of me. He sighs and lays his head down on my lap, heavy with exhaustion.
“You haven’t gotten much sleep, have you?”
He shakes his head. “Not really. Too many things to think about.”
I run my hand gently over his chest, more feeling than the obvious hidden inside of the gesture. “You’re beating yourself up too much.”
“I just know that the one thing that will truly make him happy is something I cannot give. I can’t be with him half-heartedly. I can’t do that to him.”
“He probably knows that. You can’t make everyone happy. Be what you can for him.”
We continue to talk for what seems to be close to an hour on the level area of the staircase. I can tell that he still cares for Noeru an awful lot. I ask him why things didn’t work out between them, and he answers “Because our relationship had too many tears in it. The biggest one caused by the fact that I never found in him the amount of comfort I found in you. I never did this with him.”
He closes his eyes almost all the way and as I look down at him, I can’t help the slight smile that spreads across my lips.
“If you fall asleep, I’m leaving you here. Come on, get up.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I left kind of abruptly…I promised Koji I wouldn’t be long.”
“Before you go…”
“Yeah?”
“You’re happy with him, right?”
I nod. “Yeah. It hasn’t been that long but I think once a few things are worked out, it’ll only grow from there.”
He stands up suddenly, fixing his clothes, and I follow suit. “Then I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, Ryo.”
“Thanks for coming out. I needed this…” He turns around and hugs me, and it seems like the most natural thing for him to do.
“Anytime. I’ll be here.”
As he pulls away, he kisses my cheek softly and grabs my coat, handing it to me. I take it, and as he ascends the stairs, I descend them. Away from secret meetings in staircases and back to our own lives which, though intersected, are still different.
End of Chapter Ten.
A/N: The feelings of hidden grief and comfort are inspired by recent events and things I have been going through. That being said, this chapter is dedicated to my uncle who recently passed away. May he know that those of us he left behind will always be able to find comfort in one another.
And also, Happy Birthday to Shige~ <3
Lyrics are from "How You Gonna Spend Your Life" by Ace Young
“Where you gonna spend the night? There’s no other place to be than by my side”
Shige:
The room is dimly lit, royal blue curtains pulled over the only window. The comforter is soft under me and Koji is warm lying on top of me, kissing me slowly. We had been talking for a while on his bed, while I glanced around at the sports memorabilia on the walls and on the dresser. It was quite possibly the longest time either of us sat down just to talk with each other.
With Koji, when I’m not working, we usually spend time together as a group with other co-stars. When we are finally alone, our time is usually spent on the physical. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but there is a part of him that is closed off to me. Which is why, even though no part of me wants to, I always connect him back to Ryo.
I always thought I had a deep connection with Ryo, an understanding I treasured more than anything else. But then I figured out that he was actually in love with someone whose name he never mentioned. It’s probably just paranoia that connects that situation to this one. I’m afraid that with Koji, though it is highly unlikely for the same situation to occur, something else will come up that will have the same effect.
He moves from my lips to kiss across my jaw and I feel his hand slip up my shirt, his fingers warm and soft on my skin.
“Koji,” I whisper gently when his lips meet my collarbone and he lifts his head to look into my eyes.
“What’s up?” he asks, concerned, before smiling a comforting smile that makes me want to shut up and forget that the thought of stopping ever popped into my head. “You don’t want to?”
“It’s not that. We should go out for dinner or something.”
He runs his fingers across my stomach. “You’re hungry?”
“Sort of.”
“Okay.” He grabs my glasses from the table - he always takes them off when we’re like this. “You know, you really should get contacts. I like to see your eyes.”
“I have them.”
“Oh.”
“I'll be wearing them for the play.”
He smiles. “The pictures look amazing, by the way.” He ruffles my hair. “Messy hair,” he says and moves his hand down to run his finger gently under my eye. “Eyeliner. It’s a good look for you.”
“Shut up,” I complain and move his hand away.
He laughs in response. “I'm serious.”
I try to push him away, but he, as always, chooses to wrestle with me playfully instead. My glasses end up falling to the floor and I give up, returning the kiss when he kisses me and moving away when he rolls onto his back.
After I put my glasses back on, I fix my ruined hair in the mirror. “Let's go, before the places start crowding.”
I can see him smile warmly in the reflection. “Kei-san's right. You're only happy if your stomach's happy.”
When I reach the door, he grabs my hand and flips off the light switch. “My treat.”
I smile back at him and we descend the stairs, grabbing our coats on the way.
-~-~-~-
Christmas, almost as much of a “couple-holiday” as Valentine’s. Strings of colored lights line buildings, stores and houses. People buy cakes and wrap gifts in shiny paper and curled ribbons.
It passes without a call from Ryo. I call him once or twice, but it goes straight to voice mail each time.
A few days later, I spend New Year’s Eve with Kei and Koji and Kairi. We drink champagne and share stories about the past year as we all wait for the moment when the new one officially begins.
And still without a call or even a simple message.
-~-~-~
Towards the middle of January, not long before my play is scheduled to begin, I get a call when hanging out with some friends after the bookstore closes. I excuse myself, and wander over to an area between two bookshelves before placing it to my ear.
“What happened? You never called.”
“Sorry. I ran into-” He begins but is cut off by a sound of laughter in the background.
“Noeru?”
He sighs. “It’s not what you think, Shige.”
I lean against the shelf gently, careful not to knock anything over and draw attention to myself. “Even if it is, that’s fine. You just should have at least called to cancel.”
“I’m sorry, Shige…my mind was elsewhere. I could barely think.”
“Are you okay?”
“Not really.”
The feelings of frustration suddenly begin to fade. “What happened?”
“One second.”
Noe, I’m going to go outside for a bit.
Got it.
I can hear some doors shutting on the other end.
“I um…started working on my apartment. Noeru seemed like he was fine, happy even. But then he had a bruise on his arm. He said he fell carrying stuff up the stairs but I didn’t believe it. Then two nights later, he didn’t come over. We had plans to cook dinner so I called him and he sounded really…off. I-“
He breaks off, and not only can tell that it’s hard for him, but that this is the first time he’s told anyone any of it. “Calm down, Ryo. You can tell me.”
“I went looking for him. It was cold that night and I was about to give up after I told myself it was nothing like he said. But I decided I’d look through two more streets.” He pauses. “He was sitting, leaning against a building in an alley with a beer in one hand, messed up shirt and bruises all over him. I panicked and ran over to him, and he ignored my questions at first. He was in this daze, Shige. Finally, he broke down and hugged me, sobbing. He had hit rock bottom and I didn’t even realize any of it. He put on this front this entire time while in reality he was still hurting because of what happened to us. I should have known he didn’t take it as well as he acted like.”
“It’s not your fault, Ryo. Did someone beat him up?”
“Some bastard talked him up at a bar, acted nice, took him home and was violent with him. More than one night. He’s always so gentle and that guy took him-”
He begins to sob quietly and I close my eyes, trying to dull the sting rising up in my chest. “Ryo…I can come over there if you need me to.”
“No, have fun with your friends, boyfriend, whoever you’re with.” I quickly realize the guys are loud enough to carry over to Ryo through the phone.
I’m about to say Are you sure? Alright, if you need anything, call. But I can’t.
“Where are you?”
---
I head up the stairs of his apartment building and take off my gloves, inserting them into both pockets of my coat. It’s hot and stuffy so I unzip the coat and remove it, stuffing it under my arm as I continue to ascend. When I reach where Ryo is standing, he is leaning against the wall and holding onto the railing.
“It makes me sick to think there is a man like that living in the same city I do.”
The pain is written clearly on his face and it is as if words have all lost their meaning as I cannot find one to say. I drop my coat on the nearest step and walk over to him, pulling him close to me. He seems a bit caught off guard by the action at first, but then loosens up after a few moments and hugs me tightly, though I can tell all his strength has faded away.
“Talk to me,” I whisper into his ear and pull away. He sinks to the ground and I kneel next to him, wiping away a tear that falls. I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now after seeing the one he was so in love with hurt so mercilessly by someone else. A man whose face and name are still blurred by mystery.
My mind drifts back to the night he arrived at my doorstep, dripping wet, and fell asleep on my lap as I read a book that has become one of my favorites. Without question, I sit with my back against the wall and straighten my legs out in front of me. He sighs and lays his head down on my lap, heavy with exhaustion.
“You haven’t gotten much sleep, have you?”
He shakes his head. “Not really. Too many things to think about.”
I run my hand gently over his chest, more feeling than the obvious hidden inside of the gesture. “You’re beating yourself up too much.”
“I just know that the one thing that will truly make him happy is something I cannot give. I can’t be with him half-heartedly. I can’t do that to him.”
“He probably knows that. You can’t make everyone happy. Be what you can for him.”
We continue to talk for what seems to be close to an hour on the level area of the staircase. I can tell that he still cares for Noeru an awful lot. I ask him why things didn’t work out between them, and he answers “Because our relationship had too many tears in it. The biggest one caused by the fact that I never found in him the amount of comfort I found in you. I never did this with him.”
He closes his eyes almost all the way and as I look down at him, I can’t help the slight smile that spreads across my lips.
“If you fall asleep, I’m leaving you here. Come on, get up.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Yeah. I left kind of abruptly…I promised Koji I wouldn’t be long.”
“Before you go…”
“Yeah?”
“You’re happy with him, right?”
I nod. “Yeah. It hasn’t been that long but I think once a few things are worked out, it’ll only grow from there.”
He stands up suddenly, fixing his clothes, and I follow suit. “Then I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks, Ryo.”
“Thanks for coming out. I needed this…” He turns around and hugs me, and it seems like the most natural thing for him to do.
“Anytime. I’ll be here.”
As he pulls away, he kisses my cheek softly and grabs my coat, handing it to me. I take it, and as he ascends the stairs, I descend them. Away from secret meetings in staircases and back to our own lives which, though intersected, are still different.
End of Chapter Ten.
A/N: The feelings of hidden grief and comfort are inspired by recent events and things I have been going through. That being said, this chapter is dedicated to my uncle who recently passed away. May he know that those of us he left behind will always be able to find comfort in one another.
And also, Happy Birthday to Shige~ <3
Lyrics are from "How You Gonna Spend Your Life" by Ace Young