If Only I Had...Chapter 11
Title: If Only I Had...(Chapter 11/20)
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
Chapter 11: How Far Will One Go for Love?
Part One: Seeking Comfort
Jiro:
Every time I watch the two of them together, it saddens me beyond belief. I was caught up in love as well, years ago when Ara and I were living the life of newlyweds. I woke up to the smell of breakfast being prepared, we laughed at over-the-top comedies and she held my hand with tearful eyes up until my last moments. I used to think that what we had was the purest form of love. It began with helping each other through tragedy, grew with each nervous feeling and awkward brush of our fingers, and stabilized with words like I love you and Stay with me. We lived in our own world, just the two of us, and I used to think that nothing could ever take that away from us.
But ever since I returned, Ara doesn’t listen to me. She shrugs it off when I tell her about how my life was in the sky. When I cry, she gives me a cold shoulder. When we slept together months ago, she was almost emotionless. These past three years I have wondered if she was just silently loving me but after feeling the desire, longing and pure happiness that Ryo experiences whenever Shige comes into the equation, I realize that our love has died. Am I anything more to her than a prized trophy on a shelf that she will lie, cheat and kill to protect?
I look at Shige and how his love for Ryo never faltered even after death. I used to beat him in search of some sense of achievement but it simply masked even more pain. No matter what I did, Ryo never stopped yearning for him to the point where I had to give in to save my sanity. Watching a love like that from the sidelines makes me feel empty and even more desperate to find it myself.
Just when I thought I would never find it, Ryo met Asami. From the moment I saw her, I wanted to know more but my curiosity led me to discover that she has the same disease that released me from this world. I’ve never had the courage to speak to her because I was afraid that my words would scare her away. She likes Ryo and up until recently I have been happy just being around her. But now I want to spend time with her myself. Even if she only has a short time left, I wonder if we will be able to find the happiness I once shared with Ara.
It seems like everything I do now involves her in some shape or form. She wants Ryo to spend time with Shige so I let it happen even if it hurts me to know that they have the one thing I have been desperate for my entire life. She wants to sing and I listen. She coughs and I worry. Even the color white reminds me of her purity, angelic voice and beauty.
I’m falling in love with someone else - someone whose light is about to fade. I have to tell Ara the truth even though I know I will lose her. If I’ve realized anything, it’s that she doesn’t love me enough to forgive me.
I am shivering, but it is not because of the draft from the window that has been left open. Giving up on love leaves me feeling cold, so very cold.
---
As I stand in the doorway leading into our bedroom, I see Ara rubbing her hand over her bulging stomach. Her long hair is tied back and a few strands fall over her face. I wish I could back out, forget it all and accept living in a world filled with false love. But that is impossible.
“Why are you never around anymore, Jiro?” she asks coldly and I kneel in front of her, placing my hands on her knees like we used to do in an attempt to show her that I still care about her, despite what I am about to tell her.
“I met someone,” I finally manage to say and she slaps me across the face.
“You don’t need someone else. Am I not enough for you?”
It stings, more than any pain I have ever experienced. “You don’t love me, Ara. You forced me back to this world and I just want to be happy.”
She’s crying and I want to take my words back, tell her that I’ll try harder but there is nothing more I can do. “I know this is wrong-“
“Do you?” she asks angrily and hits me again.
“I can’t stop liking her.” I hold onto her shoulders as she sinks down next to me. “Look at you, Ara. Where have you gone? You’ve changed so much that I can hardly recognize you anymore. I mean…you even murdered someone for me.”
She looks into my eyes. “I’d do it again for you.”
“We have a child on the way. Do you really want her to grow up in this environment?”
She reaches into my pocket and pulls out my house key. “I have a child on the way. Get out.”
“Ara…”
“Get out!” she screams and I have no choice but to leave. I can’t bear to see her like this yet once I reach the front door I collapse onto the floor, wishing I could go back and be with her. Is there an emptier feeling than this?
There was no pain in the sky. I want to go back there.
Once again I hate this world.
---
I wake up on the front porch with aches all over my body. Behind me are packed suitcases with all of my things in them. I leave them on the porch for later and without thinking, I end up at Asami’s small white house with my fist against the wooden door.
Once she opens the door and that same smile adorns her face, it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.
“Um…I hate to ask-“
“Jiro,” I interrupt and she steps aside to let me in.
“I thought so. Ryo-chan usually has that cute glove on but I wanted to be sure.”
Her house smells of eggs and bacon and all around are pictures of her at different places around Nohin. She must have traveled often, I suppose.
“Want some breakfast? I made a lot.”
“Were you expecting someone?”
“Nope. I’m just really hungry,” she says with a laugh. I love the way she laughs; it is never fake or exaggerated but it still can make anyone lucky enough to hear it smile.
Food wasn’t particularly on my mind when I woke up; in fact, I felt like eating would just cause me to vomit. But as I sit here at her dining room table that is clothed with white lace, I feel better.
Asami arrives with plates full of food. “Breakfast is here! Get your stomach ready for some yummy food, Jiro-san.”
As we eat, I can’t stop myself from looking at her. Even when wearing pajamas with two braids falling just past her shoulders, she is beautiful.
“Your house is warm,” I tell her.
She looks up from her plate of eggs and nods. “I know, but we don’t have air conditioning. It’s too expensive.”
“No, I mean that it has a warm feeling to it.”
She giggles at her mistake. “Thanks. My aunt thinks that comfort is key to living a long, happy life,” she says and adjusts the position of one of the flowers in the vase at the center of the table.
“Your aunt is smart.”
She leans closer to me as if there is someone else in the room whose ears aren’t meant to hear what she is about to say. “You should see her when we watch game shows. It’s scary.”
For the first time in a while, I am able to laugh. It is as if this room is a safe haven guarding from the rest of the world. Here, there is no pain.
---
After breakfast, we walk around her garden. It is filled with blue, pink, orange, red and yellow flowers and as I step along the oval slates of rock, I see now why she is able to be so cheerful. I grew up in a world of destruction where even my own body was against me. She might have the same disease, but she has grown up surrounded by gentle beauty.
“I love flowers,” she begins. “They are always here when I have a bad day. When I feel sick or even when I was upset about being lonely, I came out here. I think they healed me and gave me back my smile. There is no darkness here. In this garden, it feels like nothing can hurt me.”
Her words cut right through me because as happy as I am that she has somewhere to feel safe, we both know that death cannot be escaped simply by smelling the sweet fragrance of a flower.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks and I kneel down on the damp grey slab to get a closer look at a yellow flower.
“This is Ara’s favorite flower,” I respond and suddenly tears form in my eyes and begin to fall involuntarily.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s over between us.”
This is the first time I’ve said it out loud and she holds onto me. I wonder if she knows how warm her embrace is.
“Cry if you need to, Jiro-san. I’m here.”
I wrap my arms around her slender waist and I proceed to cry into her shoulder. My tears do not pour only for Ara, but because I feel myself falling even more deeply for Asami. She begins to sing a soft melody that seems distantly familiar. After a few lines, I realize that it is the same song that was recorded onto her CD. Her words sink into me and for the first time, I am able to feel real happiness myself.
This is how it feels to be cared for.
---
Part Two: The Party
Shige:
It is the day of the party and Haru, Jun and I are sitting on the royal blue couch in Miya’s living room while the girls try on silver earrings then gold earrings, pick one but then have to switch to match the perfect necklace, only to find that it isn’t so perfect after all.
“Just pick something already!” Jun yells to them in annoyance.
“Why are they always like this?” Haru asks as if either of us knows the reason behind it.
“The worst is when we have to find presents for them. Take Miya for example. She likes chocolate, but only dark chocolate and it can’t be filled with anything and she will only eat certain brands. If I forget one of them she tells me that I don’t listen when she talks to me,” Jun complains.
The doorbell rings and Miya runs down the stairs to open it. Asami and Jiro are at the door and Miya acknowledges both of them before pulling Asami up the stairs to her room to pick out a dress for her.
I’ve never actually spoken to Jiro since the days he locked me in his house. He is dressed in an expensive white shirt and black pants to go along with the black and white theme of the party. Because so much time has passed since I’ve seen him, it is hard for me to look at him and tell myself that he is not Ryo.
Jun, being the overly protective friend that he’s always been, is wary about having Jiro in the same room as me.
“Long time no see,” he says to me after a few minutes of silence and the look he is giving me sends a chill down my spine.
“Don’t try anything,” Jun warns.
Jiro just laughs. “Trust me; I don’t even want to lay a finger on him.”
“How have you been?” Haru asks, earning an elbow in his stomach from Jun. I know Haru wants to be on everyone’s good side, but it is almost impossible with someone like Jiro.
“I was kicked out and I got sick because someone decided to run in the rain twice.”
The rest of the room is clueless but I glare at him anyway. “You could have let him stay.”
“I’ll pass. I’m already scarred enough as it is without having to be present while you two-“
“Jiro!” Asami yells and I look over to see her standing at the bottom of the stairs in a white dress.
He falls back into the leather armchair and the expression on his face is like that of a child being scolded. “Asami…”
“I came down to ask what you think of my dress, but it doesn’t even matter anymore.”
She begins to cry and I don’t know why. “Asami, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” I say in an attempt to soothe the tension in the room but it doesn’t do much.
“Have you ever thought about how R-“ she begins but looks up the stairs to where Kimi is. She can’t mention his name. “How he feels? What he needs?”
“I know more than anyone,” Jiro responds.
“And yet you couldn’t give them one night together after so much time they’ve spent apart?”
For the first time I realize how important Ryo is to Asami.
“I don’t understand why you are so kind to me yet so cruel to them,” she says and opens the front door claiming to need some air.
The air is thick with awkward silence and tension and I decide to go out and see if she is okay. I should tell her that Ryo and I did have some time together that night and that Jiro had made a promise with Ara. I shouldn’t be defending Jiro after all he’s done, but in the back of my mind I hope that if he and Asami can be together, that will mean no more burns on Ryo’s arms.
Jiro grabs my wrist as I walk by and I instinctively pull away. “Don’t touch me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he says to me. “I’ll do anything. Just don’t let her leave me.”
Asami is sitting on the blue bench on the porch playing with a silver bracelet on her wrist. She hears me shut the front door and smiles when I sit down next to her. “I hear you and Ryo-chan are officially back together.”
“Yeah.”
When I look at her close up like this, she seems a bit pale.
She looks back to the silver bracelet. “I guess Jiro kind of ruined it though, huh?”
“Not at all. He just cut it short. That night I was able to feel the love Ryo has for me. I think I was greedy after missing him so much and I wanted more of it.”
“It is hard, isn’t it?”
I sigh and watch as a blue bird flaps its wings suddenly and leaves the branch it was perched on. “I still long to spend an entire day just the two of us and wake up next to him in the morning. Thinking of those little things still hurts but I know we’ll make it through.”
A car drives is parked across the street with a hand sticking out of the window holding a cigarette. I try to see who it is but I give up when she suddenly hooks her arm with mine and leans her head on my shoulder. “I know you will. As for the other thing, I’ll see what I can do. Maybe Jiro will let you two go on a date or something. You two deserve it. Ryo-chan has made me so very happy over the past month with his music and stories of the fun times you two used to have.”
“He tells you about those things?”
“Yeah. There’s nothing more I want than to have another story for him to tell me about.”
I hear the door shut and Jiro is standing in the doorway. “You got it,” he says and turns to me. “If that is what she wants, then I have no reason to refuse.”
She perks up before I have a chance to respond. “Three days, two nights!”
Jiro frowns, obviously not willing to give that much time and I expect him to refuse but instead he says, “Fine.”
I try to thank him but I know he isn’t doing it for me or Ryo. I cannot even fathom how it will be to spend so much time together.
---
The large all-purpose room is decorated with black and white streamers and balloons and banners that say Good Luck to the cast and crew! in sparkly silver letters.
Music is blaring from the speakers and Kimi immediately apologizes and releases her hold on my arm to meet up with a friend who is standing by herself.
Asami is holding Jiro’s hand and ever since we left the house, they haven’t stopped talking to each other in whispers like a couple. Being brought up with traditional views, of course it seems wrong for him to be so close with her before a divorce but I let it go, remembering how his relationship with Ara was forced back on him.
Jun has his arms around Miya and is dancing with her. Knowing them, they will either dance the entire night or sneak off in the middle to find somewhere a bit less crowded.
I’ve never been much of a dancer, so I sit at one of the tables with Haru and talk to him about his trip to the mainland coming up. It is sad to see him go because even though Jun and Miya have helped me and comforted me, Haru is the one who has stood by me through everything over the past three years. He tried his best to make me laugh when my eyes were swollen from crying too much and sat on my bed to talk to me the entire day during the times when facing the world without Ryo was too much to handle.
After a while, Kimi comes over and tries to get me to dance to one of those silly songs everyone learns the dance steps to during countless school functions. It is childish but of course I cave. Asami and Jiro have been off somewhere else most of the time but I have fun dancing with the rest of my friends anyway.
When we are all tired, the DJ announces that he is going to slow it down a bit and a ballad begins to play. Kimi smiles to me in invitation and she wraps her arms around my neck and dances with me closely, softly whispering to me how much fun she’s had tonight.
It doesn’t take long for me to spot Jiro with his arms around Asami towards the front.
Suddenly, I freeze. Standing off to the side scanning the room is a man whose face I will never forget. How could I forget the one who smirked as he stabbed Ryo all those years ago?
“Shige, what’s wrong?” Kimi asks me but I cannot find the words to answer. Instead, I pull Miya by the arm away from a protesting Jun and point to the man.
“Shige, what?” she asks.
“That guy…doesn’t he look familiar?”
Her eyes widen in realization. “That’s the one who whistled at me that time.”
“Hold up, who whistled at you?” Jun asks angrily as though ready to start a fight.
“It doesn’t matter…that’s one of the guys who was sent to stab Ryo,” I reply, forgetting that Kimi is right here and that I never mentioned to her that Ryo not only died but was murdered. She notices right away and asks me about it but I can’t deal with her right now, not when I see that familiar smirk appear again.
“You don’t think she sent him again do you?” Haru asks fearfully.
“She did kick him out…”
I see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a black object and my fear takes over. “Jiro…”
He raises the gun and before I realize what I am doing, I begin to run over to where Jiro is dancing with Asami. Visions of Ryo bleeding on the ground race through my mind and all I can manage to think is I can’t lose him again. I hear my friends screaming my name but I don’t listen. When I reach the two, I push them down right before the sound of a gunshot reaches my ear and I feel an overwhelming pain in my right arm. The room is filled with people screaming and shrieking and running away and I fall to the ground.
---
I can’t remember how I got here; it is all a blur. The only thing that is clear to me is the pain and the pressure Jun is exerting on my arm to stop the bleeding. As I become more aware of my surroundings, I realize that we are hiding out in a janitor’s closet and I can hear Kimi and Miya crying.
Asami is leaning against Jiro and I hope that I didn’t hurt her. Haru is on the phone with what sounds like the hospital asking for an ambulance.
The pain is overwhelming and I feel sick upon looking at the white cloth on my arm soaked in my own blood.
---
Part Three: Just How Far?
Ryo:
If the gods hate me, they should hurt me.
The moment Jiro gives up control, I am at Shige’s side. Jun realizes that it is me and he lets me take his place. As I take the cloth in my hand and press it to Shige’s arm, the pain written on his face drives a nail into my heart.
“Shige…” I manage to say and he smiles at me ever so slightly. “Why did you do that?”
His voice is weak. “You know why.”
“You idiot. It could have been worse. You could have been kil-“ I can’t finish the word. Not even a moment later, my ability to speak disappears.
Damn you, Shige…don’t do this for me. Don’t put your life in danger to save me.
“I can’t-” he begins and gasps in pain after moving his injured arm slightly. “I can’t see you die again, Ryo. I can’t.”
I close my eyes and tears slip down my cheeks. “I told you I wouldn’t leave you again, didn’t I?” I reopen my eyes and raise my unoccupied hand to cup his cheek in an attempt to give him at least a little comfort. “You’ll be okay.”
“The ambulance should be here soon,” Haru says and I look over to Kimi-chan and just as I thought, she knows.
“Someone want to explain what is going on?”
She is afraid, as are the rest of us.
---
We’re sitting in the hospital waiting room now and Miya is explaining everything to Kimi-chan. She seems angry or maybe shocked, I don’t know. I can barely think right now.
Until the ambulance arrived, I did everything I could to make Shige feel even the slightest bit more comfortable. That is all I could do for him. Finally, the sirens could be heard and I don’t remember much after that. I remember seeing the two ambulances drive away with Shige in one, Asami in the other. She passed out soon after we made it into the janitor's closet. I should have stayed with her, but I needed to be with Shige. I had to.
I keep thinking back to the moment I saw Shige push Jiro away and I knew he was shot but for a few moments, I didn’t know how badly. Jiro was focused on Asami and I was scared out of my mind when I heard my friends yelling Shige’s name. Finally, Jiro looked at Shige and I was able to see him but I was still afraid. I am now even though they said that he should be okay.
I just want to see him.
Asami’s condition is worse. She told Jiro on the way to Miya’s house that she felt weak, and she had a feeling that tonight might be the end of her strength. Who knows her body more than she does? It seems like she will need to remain in the hospital from now on. She looked weak up until the slow dance, but she insisted on dancing anyway. Does she look worse now? Is she afraid?
Ever since I met her, Jiro and I have been trying to create happiness for her. What can I do for her now?
---
The waiting room is painted in oddly cheerful colors. Are the patterns supposed to be calming?
It’s really late now and Miya, Haru and Kimi-chan are fast asleep. Jun has been talking to me for the past few hours. I miss conversations like these. I might not have mentioned it clearly before but other than Shige, Jun is the one I am closest to. We’ve been talking about everything from the three years I missed up until the recent events. I explained to him that Ara was angry after what Jiro said to her and that she must have sent that guy to kill Asami as revenge.
It is easier to talk than to focus on the hands of the orange clock tick painfully slowly with no doctor in sight.
---
After what seems like an eternity, the doctor enters the waiting room and explains that Asami is asleep and that Shige is fine but he needs to rest. At first, he says that we can’t visit until tomorrow since it is late and that we should go home, but we convince him to let one of us stay. Naturally, I am the one chosen. As I make my way through the hallways, I briefly think about how I don’t even have a home to go back to. Right now, my home is the low-priced hotel on the other side of town.
I slide open the door and I see his right arm wrapped in a bandage and held in place with a sling. He looks over at me through half-lidded eyes. “I knew you would find some way to make the doctor let you stay.”
He sounds exhausted and I pull one of the chairs quietly over to the bed to sit down. “If I’m quiet they won’t kick me out.”
He smiles at me and I squeeze his left hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired and weak, but the pain medication is pretty amazing.”
I lift his hand to my lips and kiss it softly. “How badly did it hurt?”
“It was pretty bad.”
“You didn’t complain in the closet.”
“I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Well, I did anyway.”
He leans his head back on the pillow and I know he’s tired and must want to sleep off what happened tonight.
“You don’t have to stay,” he mumbles. “It will be pretty uncomfortable for you to sleep like that.”
“I want to.”
“Our first night together in a long time is in a hospital…how romantic.”
I smile at his sleepy attempt at humor. “Good night, Shige.”
A few minutes later he is fast asleep. I watch his chest rise up and down with each soft breath and when I feel comfortable enough to sleep, I lay my head on our joined hands and close my eyes. Even though the position is strange and I know I’ll be sore tomorrow, sleeping like this with him is the closest feeling to home.
End of Chapter 11
Author: Yuki
Pairing: RyoShige
Rating: PG-13
Genre: AU, Romance, Supernatural, Angst
Warnings: Violence/Abuse in chapters 1-6
Summary: Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things to live with and we always wish for a way to bring that person back. However, there are some times when that person is better off dead. After all, some reunions aren't always so sweet.
Previous Chapters:
( Chapter 1 )
( Chapter 2 )
( Chapter 3 )
( Chapter 4 )
( Chapter 5 )
( Chapter 6 )
( Chapter 7 )
( Chapter 8 )
( Chapter 9 )
( Chapter 10 )
Chapter 11: How Far Will One Go for Love?
Part One: Seeking Comfort
Jiro:
Every time I watch the two of them together, it saddens me beyond belief. I was caught up in love as well, years ago when Ara and I were living the life of newlyweds. I woke up to the smell of breakfast being prepared, we laughed at over-the-top comedies and she held my hand with tearful eyes up until my last moments. I used to think that what we had was the purest form of love. It began with helping each other through tragedy, grew with each nervous feeling and awkward brush of our fingers, and stabilized with words like I love you and Stay with me. We lived in our own world, just the two of us, and I used to think that nothing could ever take that away from us.
But ever since I returned, Ara doesn’t listen to me. She shrugs it off when I tell her about how my life was in the sky. When I cry, she gives me a cold shoulder. When we slept together months ago, she was almost emotionless. These past three years I have wondered if she was just silently loving me but after feeling the desire, longing and pure happiness that Ryo experiences whenever Shige comes into the equation, I realize that our love has died. Am I anything more to her than a prized trophy on a shelf that she will lie, cheat and kill to protect?
I look at Shige and how his love for Ryo never faltered even after death. I used to beat him in search of some sense of achievement but it simply masked even more pain. No matter what I did, Ryo never stopped yearning for him to the point where I had to give in to save my sanity. Watching a love like that from the sidelines makes me feel empty and even more desperate to find it myself.
Just when I thought I would never find it, Ryo met Asami. From the moment I saw her, I wanted to know more but my curiosity led me to discover that she has the same disease that released me from this world. I’ve never had the courage to speak to her because I was afraid that my words would scare her away. She likes Ryo and up until recently I have been happy just being around her. But now I want to spend time with her myself. Even if she only has a short time left, I wonder if we will be able to find the happiness I once shared with Ara.
It seems like everything I do now involves her in some shape or form. She wants Ryo to spend time with Shige so I let it happen even if it hurts me to know that they have the one thing I have been desperate for my entire life. She wants to sing and I listen. She coughs and I worry. Even the color white reminds me of her purity, angelic voice and beauty.
I’m falling in love with someone else - someone whose light is about to fade. I have to tell Ara the truth even though I know I will lose her. If I’ve realized anything, it’s that she doesn’t love me enough to forgive me.
I am shivering, but it is not because of the draft from the window that has been left open. Giving up on love leaves me feeling cold, so very cold.
---
As I stand in the doorway leading into our bedroom, I see Ara rubbing her hand over her bulging stomach. Her long hair is tied back and a few strands fall over her face. I wish I could back out, forget it all and accept living in a world filled with false love. But that is impossible.
“Why are you never around anymore, Jiro?” she asks coldly and I kneel in front of her, placing my hands on her knees like we used to do in an attempt to show her that I still care about her, despite what I am about to tell her.
“I met someone,” I finally manage to say and she slaps me across the face.
“You don’t need someone else. Am I not enough for you?”
It stings, more than any pain I have ever experienced. “You don’t love me, Ara. You forced me back to this world and I just want to be happy.”
She’s crying and I want to take my words back, tell her that I’ll try harder but there is nothing more I can do. “I know this is wrong-“
“Do you?” she asks angrily and hits me again.
“I can’t stop liking her.” I hold onto her shoulders as she sinks down next to me. “Look at you, Ara. Where have you gone? You’ve changed so much that I can hardly recognize you anymore. I mean…you even murdered someone for me.”
She looks into my eyes. “I’d do it again for you.”
“We have a child on the way. Do you really want her to grow up in this environment?”
She reaches into my pocket and pulls out my house key. “I have a child on the way. Get out.”
“Ara…”
“Get out!” she screams and I have no choice but to leave. I can’t bear to see her like this yet once I reach the front door I collapse onto the floor, wishing I could go back and be with her. Is there an emptier feeling than this?
There was no pain in the sky. I want to go back there.
Once again I hate this world.
---
I wake up on the front porch with aches all over my body. Behind me are packed suitcases with all of my things in them. I leave them on the porch for later and without thinking, I end up at Asami’s small white house with my fist against the wooden door.
Once she opens the door and that same smile adorns her face, it doesn’t hurt that much anymore.
“Um…I hate to ask-“
“Jiro,” I interrupt and she steps aside to let me in.
“I thought so. Ryo-chan usually has that cute glove on but I wanted to be sure.”
Her house smells of eggs and bacon and all around are pictures of her at different places around Nohin. She must have traveled often, I suppose.
“Want some breakfast? I made a lot.”
“Were you expecting someone?”
“Nope. I’m just really hungry,” she says with a laugh. I love the way she laughs; it is never fake or exaggerated but it still can make anyone lucky enough to hear it smile.
Food wasn’t particularly on my mind when I woke up; in fact, I felt like eating would just cause me to vomit. But as I sit here at her dining room table that is clothed with white lace, I feel better.
Asami arrives with plates full of food. “Breakfast is here! Get your stomach ready for some yummy food, Jiro-san.”
As we eat, I can’t stop myself from looking at her. Even when wearing pajamas with two braids falling just past her shoulders, she is beautiful.
“Your house is warm,” I tell her.
She looks up from her plate of eggs and nods. “I know, but we don’t have air conditioning. It’s too expensive.”
“No, I mean that it has a warm feeling to it.”
She giggles at her mistake. “Thanks. My aunt thinks that comfort is key to living a long, happy life,” she says and adjusts the position of one of the flowers in the vase at the center of the table.
“Your aunt is smart.”
She leans closer to me as if there is someone else in the room whose ears aren’t meant to hear what she is about to say. “You should see her when we watch game shows. It’s scary.”
For the first time in a while, I am able to laugh. It is as if this room is a safe haven guarding from the rest of the world. Here, there is no pain.
---
After breakfast, we walk around her garden. It is filled with blue, pink, orange, red and yellow flowers and as I step along the oval slates of rock, I see now why she is able to be so cheerful. I grew up in a world of destruction where even my own body was against me. She might have the same disease, but she has grown up surrounded by gentle beauty.
“I love flowers,” she begins. “They are always here when I have a bad day. When I feel sick or even when I was upset about being lonely, I came out here. I think they healed me and gave me back my smile. There is no darkness here. In this garden, it feels like nothing can hurt me.”
Her words cut right through me because as happy as I am that she has somewhere to feel safe, we both know that death cannot be escaped simply by smelling the sweet fragrance of a flower.
“What are you thinking about?” she asks and I kneel down on the damp grey slab to get a closer look at a yellow flower.
“This is Ara’s favorite flower,” I respond and suddenly tears form in my eyes and begin to fall involuntarily.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s over between us.”
This is the first time I’ve said it out loud and she holds onto me. I wonder if she knows how warm her embrace is.
“Cry if you need to, Jiro-san. I’m here.”
I wrap my arms around her slender waist and I proceed to cry into her shoulder. My tears do not pour only for Ara, but because I feel myself falling even more deeply for Asami. She begins to sing a soft melody that seems distantly familiar. After a few lines, I realize that it is the same song that was recorded onto her CD. Her words sink into me and for the first time, I am able to feel real happiness myself.
This is how it feels to be cared for.
---
Part Two: The Party
Shige:
It is the day of the party and Haru, Jun and I are sitting on the royal blue couch in Miya’s living room while the girls try on silver earrings then gold earrings, pick one but then have to switch to match the perfect necklace, only to find that it isn’t so perfect after all.
“Just pick something already!” Jun yells to them in annoyance.
“Why are they always like this?” Haru asks as if either of us knows the reason behind it.
“The worst is when we have to find presents for them. Take Miya for example. She likes chocolate, but only dark chocolate and it can’t be filled with anything and she will only eat certain brands. If I forget one of them she tells me that I don’t listen when she talks to me,” Jun complains.
The doorbell rings and Miya runs down the stairs to open it. Asami and Jiro are at the door and Miya acknowledges both of them before pulling Asami up the stairs to her room to pick out a dress for her.
I’ve never actually spoken to Jiro since the days he locked me in his house. He is dressed in an expensive white shirt and black pants to go along with the black and white theme of the party. Because so much time has passed since I’ve seen him, it is hard for me to look at him and tell myself that he is not Ryo.
Jun, being the overly protective friend that he’s always been, is wary about having Jiro in the same room as me.
“Long time no see,” he says to me after a few minutes of silence and the look he is giving me sends a chill down my spine.
“Don’t try anything,” Jun warns.
Jiro just laughs. “Trust me; I don’t even want to lay a finger on him.”
“How have you been?” Haru asks, earning an elbow in his stomach from Jun. I know Haru wants to be on everyone’s good side, but it is almost impossible with someone like Jiro.
“I was kicked out and I got sick because someone decided to run in the rain twice.”
The rest of the room is clueless but I glare at him anyway. “You could have let him stay.”
“I’ll pass. I’m already scarred enough as it is without having to be present while you two-“
“Jiro!” Asami yells and I look over to see her standing at the bottom of the stairs in a white dress.
He falls back into the leather armchair and the expression on his face is like that of a child being scolded. “Asami…”
“I came down to ask what you think of my dress, but it doesn’t even matter anymore.”
She begins to cry and I don’t know why. “Asami, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” I say in an attempt to soothe the tension in the room but it doesn’t do much.
“Have you ever thought about how R-“ she begins but looks up the stairs to where Kimi is. She can’t mention his name. “How he feels? What he needs?”
“I know more than anyone,” Jiro responds.
“And yet you couldn’t give them one night together after so much time they’ve spent apart?”
For the first time I realize how important Ryo is to Asami.
“I don’t understand why you are so kind to me yet so cruel to them,” she says and opens the front door claiming to need some air.
The air is thick with awkward silence and tension and I decide to go out and see if she is okay. I should tell her that Ryo and I did have some time together that night and that Jiro had made a promise with Ara. I shouldn’t be defending Jiro after all he’s done, but in the back of my mind I hope that if he and Asami can be together, that will mean no more burns on Ryo’s arms.
Jiro grabs my wrist as I walk by and I instinctively pull away. “Don’t touch me.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he says to me. “I’ll do anything. Just don’t let her leave me.”
Asami is sitting on the blue bench on the porch playing with a silver bracelet on her wrist. She hears me shut the front door and smiles when I sit down next to her. “I hear you and Ryo-chan are officially back together.”
“Yeah.”
When I look at her close up like this, she seems a bit pale.
She looks back to the silver bracelet. “I guess Jiro kind of ruined it though, huh?”
“Not at all. He just cut it short. That night I was able to feel the love Ryo has for me. I think I was greedy after missing him so much and I wanted more of it.”
“It is hard, isn’t it?”
I sigh and watch as a blue bird flaps its wings suddenly and leaves the branch it was perched on. “I still long to spend an entire day just the two of us and wake up next to him in the morning. Thinking of those little things still hurts but I know we’ll make it through.”
A car drives is parked across the street with a hand sticking out of the window holding a cigarette. I try to see who it is but I give up when she suddenly hooks her arm with mine and leans her head on my shoulder. “I know you will. As for the other thing, I’ll see what I can do. Maybe Jiro will let you two go on a date or something. You two deserve it. Ryo-chan has made me so very happy over the past month with his music and stories of the fun times you two used to have.”
“He tells you about those things?”
“Yeah. There’s nothing more I want than to have another story for him to tell me about.”
I hear the door shut and Jiro is standing in the doorway. “You got it,” he says and turns to me. “If that is what she wants, then I have no reason to refuse.”
She perks up before I have a chance to respond. “Three days, two nights!”
Jiro frowns, obviously not willing to give that much time and I expect him to refuse but instead he says, “Fine.”
I try to thank him but I know he isn’t doing it for me or Ryo. I cannot even fathom how it will be to spend so much time together.
---
The large all-purpose room is decorated with black and white streamers and balloons and banners that say Good Luck to the cast and crew! in sparkly silver letters.
Music is blaring from the speakers and Kimi immediately apologizes and releases her hold on my arm to meet up with a friend who is standing by herself.
Asami is holding Jiro’s hand and ever since we left the house, they haven’t stopped talking to each other in whispers like a couple. Being brought up with traditional views, of course it seems wrong for him to be so close with her before a divorce but I let it go, remembering how his relationship with Ara was forced back on him.
Jun has his arms around Miya and is dancing with her. Knowing them, they will either dance the entire night or sneak off in the middle to find somewhere a bit less crowded.
I’ve never been much of a dancer, so I sit at one of the tables with Haru and talk to him about his trip to the mainland coming up. It is sad to see him go because even though Jun and Miya have helped me and comforted me, Haru is the one who has stood by me through everything over the past three years. He tried his best to make me laugh when my eyes were swollen from crying too much and sat on my bed to talk to me the entire day during the times when facing the world without Ryo was too much to handle.
After a while, Kimi comes over and tries to get me to dance to one of those silly songs everyone learns the dance steps to during countless school functions. It is childish but of course I cave. Asami and Jiro have been off somewhere else most of the time but I have fun dancing with the rest of my friends anyway.
When we are all tired, the DJ announces that he is going to slow it down a bit and a ballad begins to play. Kimi smiles to me in invitation and she wraps her arms around my neck and dances with me closely, softly whispering to me how much fun she’s had tonight.
It doesn’t take long for me to spot Jiro with his arms around Asami towards the front.
Suddenly, I freeze. Standing off to the side scanning the room is a man whose face I will never forget. How could I forget the one who smirked as he stabbed Ryo all those years ago?
“Shige, what’s wrong?” Kimi asks me but I cannot find the words to answer. Instead, I pull Miya by the arm away from a protesting Jun and point to the man.
“Shige, what?” she asks.
“That guy…doesn’t he look familiar?”
Her eyes widen in realization. “That’s the one who whistled at me that time.”
“Hold up, who whistled at you?” Jun asks angrily as though ready to start a fight.
“It doesn’t matter…that’s one of the guys who was sent to stab Ryo,” I reply, forgetting that Kimi is right here and that I never mentioned to her that Ryo not only died but was murdered. She notices right away and asks me about it but I can’t deal with her right now, not when I see that familiar smirk appear again.
“You don’t think she sent him again do you?” Haru asks fearfully.
“She did kick him out…”
I see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a black object and my fear takes over. “Jiro…”
He raises the gun and before I realize what I am doing, I begin to run over to where Jiro is dancing with Asami. Visions of Ryo bleeding on the ground race through my mind and all I can manage to think is I can’t lose him again. I hear my friends screaming my name but I don’t listen. When I reach the two, I push them down right before the sound of a gunshot reaches my ear and I feel an overwhelming pain in my right arm. The room is filled with people screaming and shrieking and running away and I fall to the ground.
---
I can’t remember how I got here; it is all a blur. The only thing that is clear to me is the pain and the pressure Jun is exerting on my arm to stop the bleeding. As I become more aware of my surroundings, I realize that we are hiding out in a janitor’s closet and I can hear Kimi and Miya crying.
Asami is leaning against Jiro and I hope that I didn’t hurt her. Haru is on the phone with what sounds like the hospital asking for an ambulance.
The pain is overwhelming and I feel sick upon looking at the white cloth on my arm soaked in my own blood.
---
Part Three: Just How Far?
Ryo:
If the gods hate me, they should hurt me.
The moment Jiro gives up control, I am at Shige’s side. Jun realizes that it is me and he lets me take his place. As I take the cloth in my hand and press it to Shige’s arm, the pain written on his face drives a nail into my heart.
“Shige…” I manage to say and he smiles at me ever so slightly. “Why did you do that?”
His voice is weak. “You know why.”
“You idiot. It could have been worse. You could have been kil-“ I can’t finish the word. Not even a moment later, my ability to speak disappears.
Damn you, Shige…don’t do this for me. Don’t put your life in danger to save me.
“I can’t-” he begins and gasps in pain after moving his injured arm slightly. “I can’t see you die again, Ryo. I can’t.”
I close my eyes and tears slip down my cheeks. “I told you I wouldn’t leave you again, didn’t I?” I reopen my eyes and raise my unoccupied hand to cup his cheek in an attempt to give him at least a little comfort. “You’ll be okay.”
“The ambulance should be here soon,” Haru says and I look over to Kimi-chan and just as I thought, she knows.
“Someone want to explain what is going on?”
She is afraid, as are the rest of us.
---
We’re sitting in the hospital waiting room now and Miya is explaining everything to Kimi-chan. She seems angry or maybe shocked, I don’t know. I can barely think right now.
Until the ambulance arrived, I did everything I could to make Shige feel even the slightest bit more comfortable. That is all I could do for him. Finally, the sirens could be heard and I don’t remember much after that. I remember seeing the two ambulances drive away with Shige in one, Asami in the other. She passed out soon after we made it into the janitor's closet. I should have stayed with her, but I needed to be with Shige. I had to.
I keep thinking back to the moment I saw Shige push Jiro away and I knew he was shot but for a few moments, I didn’t know how badly. Jiro was focused on Asami and I was scared out of my mind when I heard my friends yelling Shige’s name. Finally, Jiro looked at Shige and I was able to see him but I was still afraid. I am now even though they said that he should be okay.
I just want to see him.
Asami’s condition is worse. She told Jiro on the way to Miya’s house that she felt weak, and she had a feeling that tonight might be the end of her strength. Who knows her body more than she does? It seems like she will need to remain in the hospital from now on. She looked weak up until the slow dance, but she insisted on dancing anyway. Does she look worse now? Is she afraid?
Ever since I met her, Jiro and I have been trying to create happiness for her. What can I do for her now?
---
The waiting room is painted in oddly cheerful colors. Are the patterns supposed to be calming?
It’s really late now and Miya, Haru and Kimi-chan are fast asleep. Jun has been talking to me for the past few hours. I miss conversations like these. I might not have mentioned it clearly before but other than Shige, Jun is the one I am closest to. We’ve been talking about everything from the three years I missed up until the recent events. I explained to him that Ara was angry after what Jiro said to her and that she must have sent that guy to kill Asami as revenge.
It is easier to talk than to focus on the hands of the orange clock tick painfully slowly with no doctor in sight.
---
After what seems like an eternity, the doctor enters the waiting room and explains that Asami is asleep and that Shige is fine but he needs to rest. At first, he says that we can’t visit until tomorrow since it is late and that we should go home, but we convince him to let one of us stay. Naturally, I am the one chosen. As I make my way through the hallways, I briefly think about how I don’t even have a home to go back to. Right now, my home is the low-priced hotel on the other side of town.
I slide open the door and I see his right arm wrapped in a bandage and held in place with a sling. He looks over at me through half-lidded eyes. “I knew you would find some way to make the doctor let you stay.”
He sounds exhausted and I pull one of the chairs quietly over to the bed to sit down. “If I’m quiet they won’t kick me out.”
He smiles at me and I squeeze his left hand. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired and weak, but the pain medication is pretty amazing.”
I lift his hand to my lips and kiss it softly. “How badly did it hurt?”
“It was pretty bad.”
“You didn’t complain in the closet.”
“I didn’t want you to worry.”
“Well, I did anyway.”
He leans his head back on the pillow and I know he’s tired and must want to sleep off what happened tonight.
“You don’t have to stay,” he mumbles. “It will be pretty uncomfortable for you to sleep like that.”
“I want to.”
“Our first night together in a long time is in a hospital…how romantic.”
I smile at his sleepy attempt at humor. “Good night, Shige.”
A few minutes later he is fast asleep. I watch his chest rise up and down with each soft breath and when I feel comfortable enough to sleep, I lay my head on our joined hands and close my eyes. Even though the position is strange and I know I’ll be sore tomorrow, sleeping like this with him is the closest feeling to home.
End of Chapter 11