Snow and Ash - Chapter Thirteen Part 2
A few days later:
When I open the door, Naoya is standing there in a striped t-shirt and jeans holding up a white box. “I brought dessert.”
I take the box from him. “Thanks. You look nice.”
“So do you. Can I help you with anything?”
I see Shige arrive at the gate, staying there as if trying not to interrupt. “Can you check on the food? I’ll be right back.”
He heads towards the kitchen and I walk towards the gate. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Of course. I had to meet him to see if I approve,” he says half-jokingly.
“It’s not anything like that right now.”
He nods. “Just in case it is in the future. You’re not going to be single forever, after all.”
“Mm.”
When we step inside, the way Shige looks at Ryo as he walks down the stairs makes me wish even more that whatever happened between them will pass soon.
“Hey,” Ryo says awkwardly, as if he was talking to a stranger.
When Shige returns the greeting, also awkwardly, I take that as a cue to leave and I make my way into the kitchen. “How does it look?”
“Great. One needed a good stir but now it’s okay. You didn’t have to go through all this work though. We could have gone out.”
“Home-cooked meals are the best, don’t you think?” I say with a smile, not mentioning the fact that after so many meals out together, I wanted to cook him one.
The one on the back burner begins to bubble and I reach for the handle with my left hand, spoon in right, and once my hand makes contact with the handle, I jerk it back with a hiss. Too hot.
“I’ll do it,” he offers and grabs a pot holder, holding the handle without problem and stirring slowly in a circle. He glances over to me. “Are you okay?”
The pain is long gone, but he can’t know that. “I’ll be okay.”
“You should be more careful, Koyama.”
I should. I should have always been more careful not to get hurt.
---
The air is cool and perfect for a walk. Stars glitter the sky, like little pieces of hope peeking out of something that used to be completely dark. Naoya walks beside me, his hand brushing against mine every once in a while. I wonder if he wants to hold it?
“So,” he begins. “How did the four of you decide to live together?”
“Uhm,” I say nervously. “We were all in a similar situation and so we thought it would be good to help each other out. Somehow we ended up living together.”
“Sounds like it was nice to have a sort of support group like that.”
“It was. There were five of us though, not four.”
“Your ex?” he asks hesitantly as if afraid to hit a nerve.
“Mm. He was also in a similar situation. That’s how we met - I was the one who was able to help him the most.”
He nods in understanding.
“Then we met Shige, and he became entangled in our second family when he became interested in Ryo-chan.” I conveniently leave out the XMA thing. “And then Aoi-chan came back to Massu. It became the seven of us, but when Tomohisa left it went back to being six.”
“You know, Koyama…”
“Hmm?”
He looks into my eyes, smiles a little and touches my fingers, question in his eyes if it’s okay. To answer, I move my hand and take his. He’s happy but doesn’t make a big deal out of it, just continues walking naturally. I think he doesn’t want to make it awkward.
“When I saw you around work, you always looked so happy. It was like you had no problems at all.”
“Disappointed?”
“No, it’s just that you seem more real to me now.”
“Even though I have had problems, I’ve always been happy. I was never alone. I only started feeling like that recently, but the guys were there for me.”
He squeezes my hand. His hand is different, smaller than Yamapi’s, colder, but it’s not bad. “You’re never alone, Koyama.”
---
When we reach his apartment building, he asks me if I want to hang out for a bit. It’s not late yet so I agree. His place is really nice, as I would expect it to be. All the surfaces are shiny and gorgeous, and there are glass figurines on display that look really expensive.
“What do you think?” he asks proudly as he flops down onto the couch. I look around a few more times before joining him.
“It’s amazing…uwahh, such a big TV!” I exclaim in excitement.
“You want to watch something?” he asks, and we look through his vast collection of DVDs, most of which I haven’t seen before.
We decide on a comedy that he says is his favorite and I can see why when it starts playing on the ridiculously large screen. It feels good to laugh so much after all the tears.
When something ends, it’s like everything is put on hold, frozen in place, until you find a new beginning.
Halfway through the movie, when the plot begins to overshadow the ridiculous comedy, Naoya turns to me. Somehow we moved closer as we laughed together.
“You have a cute laugh, did I ever mention that?”
I feel my face blush in embarrassment. “No, I don’t think you have.”
I look into his dark brown eyes and when he smiles at me, I am reminded of how attractive he is.
“It’s hard not to be happy around you,” he says and as I remember Ryo-chan telling me something like that once, he leans closer to me and though it feels like it is too fast, I don’t pull away.
Even though something that still has a tight grip on my heart is trying to hold me back, I don’t want to listen to it anymore. It’s hopeless and so I put all of my energy into ignoring that feeling and instead focusing on his not-as-soft, not-as-warm, lips on mine. For as long as I still compare, nothing will ever equal him. But even so, I like kissing Naoya. Who knows, maybe when I forget what it is like to be kissed by Yamapi I will like this better.
He asks if it’s okay, and when I say yes he lays me down on the couch, pulling away from my lips to laugh at something that was said on the TV. It makes the situation a lot more comfortable.
“This doesn’t have to mean anything, Koyama. We can still just be friends.”
I nod, leaning my head up and kissing him once again, closing my eyes. I know this probably isn’t the best way to continue down the path I’m on, but maybe feeling what it is like to be with someone else will help erase the thoughts that Yamapi is the only one I’ll ever love. It feels good when he runs his hand over my stomach and it’s getting easier to just focus on the feeling without many emotions attached to it. I do like Naoya, and I feel comfortable with him, but I’m not ready to date him. This is as far as I can go for right now: everything except my heart.
“Does it hurt?” he asks me a while later.
I shake my head. I can’t tell him why, can I? I can’t tell him that even if he had the worst disease imaginable, my body wouldn’t react to it. Any pain is minimal and nothing compared to what other people feel. It doesn’t last for very long either. How do I tell him that I’m a mutant? Do I have to?
Once again, I push away the thoughts. Physical things don’t hurt me, but thinking about them does.
I know he feels the same way too with the way he doesn’t really look at me. He’s in the same situation I’m in.
---
His couch is comfortable under me and my head is resting on a fluffy pillow he grabbed for me. He’s lying next to me; somehow we both fit comfortably.
“I should get going,” I say after looking at the red numbers on the clock on the desk.
He stops me, worry in his eyes. “I didn’t do anything you didn’t want me to, did I?”
“No,” I say with a smile.
That grip on my heart has loosened, and I know one day it will start to disappear completely. I guess I’ve told myself that he won’t come back enough times.
“Do you need a ride?”
I shake my head. “Nah, it’s a nice night, I can walk back.”
He runs his fingers over my cheek. “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
I slip on my clothes and kiss him on the forehead. “I’ll see you at work.”
“See you.”
---
It’s a nice night to walk around and think what just happened and what it means for the future. You could say at this point I’ve given up all hope of things going back to the way they used to be with Yamapi. Of course part of me still wants them to, but I know they won’t.
Tonight I felt that it is possible for me to like Naoya even more. He’s very gentle even though he doesn’t have a power that could hurt me if he wasn’t. He’s nice, makes me laugh, and does things for me that show me his kindness.
I think I’ll wait a little while before telling him about my power, though. I trust him, but not enough to share a secret like that. Of course I have to run it by the others as well before I say anything.
I find a bench and sit down, thinking for a little while longer before my phone begins to ring. It’s late so one of the others is probably calling to see if I’m okay.
I look at the ID.
Tomohisa
At first I think of not answering it, but the possibility of him being hurt forces me to.
“Hello?”
His breath is heavy and I start to get worried when he doesn’t say anything. I can hear Reiko’s voice in the background but I can’t make out what she’s saying.
“Yamapi, say something.”
“I still love you, Kei.”
And then he hangs up, leaving me frozen in shock and confusion and even frustration over him toying with me again.
“Don’t say things like that,” I say out loud. “Don’t say it when you don’t mean it.”
What am I supposed to think after hearing that? Especially when his harsh words and actions don’t allow me to believe it.
I try to call him back twice, but he doesn’t answer either time. Is he laughing right now? I squeeze the phone in my hand before flipping it open once again, deciding that if he doesn’t want to answer, he can read a text.
I press send and stand up, strolling down the sidewalk to go back home.
I won’t let him play around with my emotions anymore. Before, he’d hurt me, say that he was sorry and that he loved me and then I’d forgive him. But then he’d just hurt me again. It’s a cycle I’ve put so much effort into breaking.
Don’t start it up again.
---
Yamapi:
Loops of metal are tightly clamped around my wrists and my arms are tired from being in one position for so long. The loops are chained to the wall and the floor under me is dirty and uncomfortable.
Reiko steps forward, giggling with my cell phone in hand. “You’re so sweet, Tomo-chan. Not that he believes you, but you’re a little late.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She shrugs like she’s at all sweet. “I was curious so I followed him and some doctor. My innocent eyes!”
Though my wrists hurt and so do the burns, it feels like all the pain has pooled in my chest. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ll show you,” she offers and kneels down in front of me, placing her cool palms on my cheeks.
I see Kei lying on a couch, kissing someone else, someone else with his hands on him, and every image is like a dagger. I yank my head away from her grasp and the images disappear but the ones I did see race through my head.
I look up at her desperately. “Did you make him do that?”
“No.”
“You’re lying.”
She frowns. “Do I have any reason to lie to you? He did all of that on his own. Made it easy for me. He let go of you very quickly.”
I pull against the restraints, fire burning through my fingertips and she reaches over, dumping two glasses of water over them. It stings.
“Now, now, Tomo-chan. Don’t blame me. Blame Ryo-chan.”
I breathe slowly, trying to calm down but it’s anything but easy. “Reiko…”
“You know that’s not my name.”
My eyes focus solely on the blonde streak in her hair.
“Shiori.”
“Yes?”
“Let me see him. Like I am now - without you.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t do that. We still have things to do. It wouldn’t be very good if our little secret got out, would it?”
I swallow, knowing that the words I’m about to say won’t have any effect, but it’s all I can do. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Kumiko is my sister. What she needs I give to her. When she wasn’t given dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and gathered some of the food that was left out since I convinced my parents I would be hungry late at night and brought it to her. When she needed a companion I was there for her. This is what she needs from me, and I have to give it to her.”
She presses a few buttons on my phone and shows me a message that Kei sent to me a few minutes ago. She places the phone on my leg and walks off, and I stare at the screen as it becomes dimmer, reading the words as many times as I can before they disappear under a black screen.
Don’t tell me that because I know you don’t mean it. Tell it to Reiko instead. I know right now it’s a lie. In the past I would say the words back to you, but I can’t anymore.
I struggle against the restraints once again, wanting, needing to pick up the phone and talk to him.
“I do love you,” I say as if the words could reach him somehow.
Two large flames appear on my arms but before I can even do anything, water is dumped on me again. But this time, it’s not Shiori.
“Would you shut up?”
End of Chapter Thirteen
A/N: Thank you again
rainy_fruit for the beta :D
When I open the door, Naoya is standing there in a striped t-shirt and jeans holding up a white box. “I brought dessert.”
I take the box from him. “Thanks. You look nice.”
“So do you. Can I help you with anything?”
I see Shige arrive at the gate, staying there as if trying not to interrupt. “Can you check on the food? I’ll be right back.”
He heads towards the kitchen and I walk towards the gate. “I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Of course. I had to meet him to see if I approve,” he says half-jokingly.
“It’s not anything like that right now.”
He nods. “Just in case it is in the future. You’re not going to be single forever, after all.”
“Mm.”
When we step inside, the way Shige looks at Ryo as he walks down the stairs makes me wish even more that whatever happened between them will pass soon.
“Hey,” Ryo says awkwardly, as if he was talking to a stranger.
When Shige returns the greeting, also awkwardly, I take that as a cue to leave and I make my way into the kitchen. “How does it look?”
“Great. One needed a good stir but now it’s okay. You didn’t have to go through all this work though. We could have gone out.”
“Home-cooked meals are the best, don’t you think?” I say with a smile, not mentioning the fact that after so many meals out together, I wanted to cook him one.
The one on the back burner begins to bubble and I reach for the handle with my left hand, spoon in right, and once my hand makes contact with the handle, I jerk it back with a hiss. Too hot.
“I’ll do it,” he offers and grabs a pot holder, holding the handle without problem and stirring slowly in a circle. He glances over to me. “Are you okay?”
The pain is long gone, but he can’t know that. “I’ll be okay.”
“You should be more careful, Koyama.”
I should. I should have always been more careful not to get hurt.
---
The air is cool and perfect for a walk. Stars glitter the sky, like little pieces of hope peeking out of something that used to be completely dark. Naoya walks beside me, his hand brushing against mine every once in a while. I wonder if he wants to hold it?
“So,” he begins. “How did the four of you decide to live together?”
“Uhm,” I say nervously. “We were all in a similar situation and so we thought it would be good to help each other out. Somehow we ended up living together.”
“Sounds like it was nice to have a sort of support group like that.”
“It was. There were five of us though, not four.”
“Your ex?” he asks hesitantly as if afraid to hit a nerve.
“Mm. He was also in a similar situation. That’s how we met - I was the one who was able to help him the most.”
He nods in understanding.
“Then we met Shige, and he became entangled in our second family when he became interested in Ryo-chan.” I conveniently leave out the XMA thing. “And then Aoi-chan came back to Massu. It became the seven of us, but when Tomohisa left it went back to being six.”
“You know, Koyama…”
“Hmm?”
He looks into my eyes, smiles a little and touches my fingers, question in his eyes if it’s okay. To answer, I move my hand and take his. He’s happy but doesn’t make a big deal out of it, just continues walking naturally. I think he doesn’t want to make it awkward.
“When I saw you around work, you always looked so happy. It was like you had no problems at all.”
“Disappointed?”
“No, it’s just that you seem more real to me now.”
“Even though I have had problems, I’ve always been happy. I was never alone. I only started feeling like that recently, but the guys were there for me.”
He squeezes my hand. His hand is different, smaller than Yamapi’s, colder, but it’s not bad. “You’re never alone, Koyama.”
---
When we reach his apartment building, he asks me if I want to hang out for a bit. It’s not late yet so I agree. His place is really nice, as I would expect it to be. All the surfaces are shiny and gorgeous, and there are glass figurines on display that look really expensive.
“What do you think?” he asks proudly as he flops down onto the couch. I look around a few more times before joining him.
“It’s amazing…uwahh, such a big TV!” I exclaim in excitement.
“You want to watch something?” he asks, and we look through his vast collection of DVDs, most of which I haven’t seen before.
We decide on a comedy that he says is his favorite and I can see why when it starts playing on the ridiculously large screen. It feels good to laugh so much after all the tears.
When something ends, it’s like everything is put on hold, frozen in place, until you find a new beginning.
Halfway through the movie, when the plot begins to overshadow the ridiculous comedy, Naoya turns to me. Somehow we moved closer as we laughed together.
“You have a cute laugh, did I ever mention that?”
I feel my face blush in embarrassment. “No, I don’t think you have.”
I look into his dark brown eyes and when he smiles at me, I am reminded of how attractive he is.
“It’s hard not to be happy around you,” he says and as I remember Ryo-chan telling me something like that once, he leans closer to me and though it feels like it is too fast, I don’t pull away.
Even though something that still has a tight grip on my heart is trying to hold me back, I don’t want to listen to it anymore. It’s hopeless and so I put all of my energy into ignoring that feeling and instead focusing on his not-as-soft, not-as-warm, lips on mine. For as long as I still compare, nothing will ever equal him. But even so, I like kissing Naoya. Who knows, maybe when I forget what it is like to be kissed by Yamapi I will like this better.
He asks if it’s okay, and when I say yes he lays me down on the couch, pulling away from my lips to laugh at something that was said on the TV. It makes the situation a lot more comfortable.
“This doesn’t have to mean anything, Koyama. We can still just be friends.”
I nod, leaning my head up and kissing him once again, closing my eyes. I know this probably isn’t the best way to continue down the path I’m on, but maybe feeling what it is like to be with someone else will help erase the thoughts that Yamapi is the only one I’ll ever love. It feels good when he runs his hand over my stomach and it’s getting easier to just focus on the feeling without many emotions attached to it. I do like Naoya, and I feel comfortable with him, but I’m not ready to date him. This is as far as I can go for right now: everything except my heart.
“Does it hurt?” he asks me a while later.
I shake my head. I can’t tell him why, can I? I can’t tell him that even if he had the worst disease imaginable, my body wouldn’t react to it. Any pain is minimal and nothing compared to what other people feel. It doesn’t last for very long either. How do I tell him that I’m a mutant? Do I have to?
Once again, I push away the thoughts. Physical things don’t hurt me, but thinking about them does.
I know he feels the same way too with the way he doesn’t really look at me. He’s in the same situation I’m in.
---
His couch is comfortable under me and my head is resting on a fluffy pillow he grabbed for me. He’s lying next to me; somehow we both fit comfortably.
“I should get going,” I say after looking at the red numbers on the clock on the desk.
He stops me, worry in his eyes. “I didn’t do anything you didn’t want me to, did I?”
“No,” I say with a smile.
That grip on my heart has loosened, and I know one day it will start to disappear completely. I guess I’ve told myself that he won’t come back enough times.
“Do you need a ride?”
I shake my head. “Nah, it’s a nice night, I can walk back.”
He runs his fingers over my cheek. “You sure?”
“Yeah.”
I slip on my clothes and kiss him on the forehead. “I’ll see you at work.”
“See you.”
---
It’s a nice night to walk around and think what just happened and what it means for the future. You could say at this point I’ve given up all hope of things going back to the way they used to be with Yamapi. Of course part of me still wants them to, but I know they won’t.
Tonight I felt that it is possible for me to like Naoya even more. He’s very gentle even though he doesn’t have a power that could hurt me if he wasn’t. He’s nice, makes me laugh, and does things for me that show me his kindness.
I think I’ll wait a little while before telling him about my power, though. I trust him, but not enough to share a secret like that. Of course I have to run it by the others as well before I say anything.
I find a bench and sit down, thinking for a little while longer before my phone begins to ring. It’s late so one of the others is probably calling to see if I’m okay.
I look at the ID.
Tomohisa
At first I think of not answering it, but the possibility of him being hurt forces me to.
“Hello?”
His breath is heavy and I start to get worried when he doesn’t say anything. I can hear Reiko’s voice in the background but I can’t make out what she’s saying.
“Yamapi, say something.”
“I still love you, Kei.”
And then he hangs up, leaving me frozen in shock and confusion and even frustration over him toying with me again.
“Don’t say things like that,” I say out loud. “Don’t say it when you don’t mean it.”
What am I supposed to think after hearing that? Especially when his harsh words and actions don’t allow me to believe it.
I try to call him back twice, but he doesn’t answer either time. Is he laughing right now? I squeeze the phone in my hand before flipping it open once again, deciding that if he doesn’t want to answer, he can read a text.
I press send and stand up, strolling down the sidewalk to go back home.
I won’t let him play around with my emotions anymore. Before, he’d hurt me, say that he was sorry and that he loved me and then I’d forgive him. But then he’d just hurt me again. It’s a cycle I’ve put so much effort into breaking.
Don’t start it up again.
---
Yamapi:
Loops of metal are tightly clamped around my wrists and my arms are tired from being in one position for so long. The loops are chained to the wall and the floor under me is dirty and uncomfortable.
Reiko steps forward, giggling with my cell phone in hand. “You’re so sweet, Tomo-chan. Not that he believes you, but you’re a little late.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She shrugs like she’s at all sweet. “I was curious so I followed him and some doctor. My innocent eyes!”
Though my wrists hurt and so do the burns, it feels like all the pain has pooled in my chest. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ll show you,” she offers and kneels down in front of me, placing her cool palms on my cheeks.
I see Kei lying on a couch, kissing someone else, someone else with his hands on him, and every image is like a dagger. I yank my head away from her grasp and the images disappear but the ones I did see race through my head.
I look up at her desperately. “Did you make him do that?”
“No.”
“You’re lying.”
She frowns. “Do I have any reason to lie to you? He did all of that on his own. Made it easy for me. He let go of you very quickly.”
I pull against the restraints, fire burning through my fingertips and she reaches over, dumping two glasses of water over them. It stings.
“Now, now, Tomo-chan. Don’t blame me. Blame Ryo-chan.”
I breathe slowly, trying to calm down but it’s anything but easy. “Reiko…”
“You know that’s not my name.”
My eyes focus solely on the blonde streak in her hair.
“Shiori.”
“Yes?”
“Let me see him. Like I am now - without you.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t do that. We still have things to do. It wouldn’t be very good if our little secret got out, would it?”
I swallow, knowing that the words I’m about to say won’t have any effect, but it’s all I can do. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Kumiko is my sister. What she needs I give to her. When she wasn’t given dinner, I snuck into the kitchen and gathered some of the food that was left out since I convinced my parents I would be hungry late at night and brought it to her. When she needed a companion I was there for her. This is what she needs from me, and I have to give it to her.”
She presses a few buttons on my phone and shows me a message that Kei sent to me a few minutes ago. She places the phone on my leg and walks off, and I stare at the screen as it becomes dimmer, reading the words as many times as I can before they disappear under a black screen.
Don’t tell me that because I know you don’t mean it. Tell it to Reiko instead. I know right now it’s a lie. In the past I would say the words back to you, but I can’t anymore.
I struggle against the restraints once again, wanting, needing to pick up the phone and talk to him.
“I do love you,” I say as if the words could reach him somehow.
Two large flames appear on my arms but before I can even do anything, water is dumped on me again. But this time, it’s not Shiori.
“Would you shut up?”
End of Chapter Thirteen
A/N: Thank you again
rainy_fruit for the beta :D