Snow and Ash - Chapter Twelve Part 2
When I arrive at Shige’s doorstep, shivering, he doesn’t say much and just steps out of the way to let me in. He called me by chance just as I was getting myself together and drying the last tears. My voice was shaky and he didn’t say much of anything then either, except for “Come to my place.”
I slip out of my shoes and he tosses me a warm towel out of the dryer.
“I was doing laundry,” he says with a smile. “Come on, I’ll get you some clothes.”
When I step into his bedroom, I see Ryo sprawled comfortably on the bed, holding onto the half of the comforter he isn’t lying on top of. I laugh quietly and Shige looks up from the drawer over his shoulder and smiles. “He crashed a while ago. I don’t think the wildest of storms could wake him up.”
He hands me some of his clothes and motions towards the bathroom. “Help yourself to anything you need.”
I thank him and step into the bathroom, feeling a lot better now than I did earlier.
---
We talk for a long time about what happened tonight. I can tell he’s angry with Yamapi but I don’t really want him to be. He didn’t hurt me on purpose; I know that.
“Did you ever think about moving out of the house?” he asks. “I think it might be good for you to try to move on as well. I mean, it’s not like all of us will ever stop being close even if we do go our own ways.”
“Yamapi and I talked about it once but it never happened. I guess I’ll revisit the idea soon but as for right now I think I’ll just make the room mine again.”
He nods in understanding. “Mm. I’ll help you. And I’m sure we could get Ryo to move the furniture around.”
Just as I open my mouth to respond, another voice comes into the room.
“What am I doing?”
Ryo is standing against the wall, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Shige looks back at him and smiles, the kind of smile that makes me feel warm. “I was wondering how long it would take you to figure out I’m not made out of cotton and polyester.”
He frowns at Shige but decides not to respond to the comment. “Did something happen?”
“I’m officially single again,” I say, choosing to keep it brief for the sake of remaining calm and his expression softens and he walks over and sits next to us on the floor in front of the couch.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t really know how to answer that. “Half sad, half okay.”
“You’ll find someone, Kei-chan. Someone who doesn’t want to hide the fact that he’s with you.” Those words hit against my chest but I know he’s right. I hope there is someone else who I can love as much and make me feel as loved as Yamapi did. “It’s hard not to like you.”
“Was that a confession?” Shige asks jokingly, trying to make me laugh, which I do. He’s been trying to do that all night, and just the thought of it makes me feel better.
Ryo just plays along, though I know he would probably say something else if it was another situation. “It did sound like it, didn’t it?”
---
A few days later:
A hand ruffles through my hair and a smile greets me when he enters the room.
“I like the haircut. The color looks good on you,” Shige says and I look into the mirror, fixing it. It’s a little bit shorter and darker brown. I’ve been wanting a change for a while and now, as three empty suitcases line the wall, seemed like the perfect time to do so.
“Thanks.”
“Ready?” he asks hesitantly. The truth is, I don’t want to do this, but I’ve been ready ever since that night when we officially went our separate ways. Even if I do this, his presence will always be in this room. This only lessens it to a point where it’s not as easily noticeable.
We start with the shirts, packing them one by one into a large suitcase. At first when we began sharing a room, we had separate drawers but eventually our things mixed in together. It didn’t matter; we knew which things belonged to each of us. Under my own black t-shirt is his white one. Wherever something of mine is, his is there as well.
I pick up one of his older t-shirts, one I used to enjoy sleeping in.
“You’re wearing my shirt,” he begins calmly and I look down, smiling.
“Yeah. It’s comfortable.”
He reaches me and takes the mug from my hands before setting it down on the counter beside us. He slides his hands under the shirt, and I close my eyes half-way in the feeling of the heat of his hands on my cold skin.
He meets my eyes. “I’ll never do something so stupid again.”
I grip the material in my hands for a moment before carelessly tossing it into the bag and moving onto the next drawer. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Shige fixing it but he doesn’t say anything about it. He understands without asking; certain things are harder than others.
---
“Is that the last of it?” he asks much later upon placing one of the last photos into a box.
I stand up, brushing off the front of my jeans. “I think so.”
Ryo begins to move things around according to the arrangement I thought up. At first I felt bad asking him, not knowing if it hurt or was difficult to move heavier and larger things. He said it’s not much different than lifting a piece of paper or a glass of water; it just takes more concentration.
The bed is against the wall now, and Shige moves around the empty space. “The room looks much bigger now.”
It takes a while to get things perfect, but once they are a sense of comfort fills me. I’ll be okay on my own like this, I tell myself and though part of me still stings at the loss of yet another piece of him, I actually believe these words.
“Something smells good,” I comment. Tegoshi and Massu have been messing around for a while in the kitchen to make dinner for all of us. Not too long after I make the comment, the three of us rush to the stairs, our hunger obvious, and Ryo makes it down there first (though he doesn’t actually take the stairs) and Shige and I follow afterwards.
“We thought for a long time about what to make,” Tegoshi admits and Massu steals something off of one of the plates before bringing it into the dining room comfortably in his blue shirt and yellow pajama pants. “It’s all for you, Kei-chan.”
“Thank you,” I say and my heart fills with warmth and gratitude. They’re always so good to me.
“You deserve it,” Massu adds and the feeling grows. I thank him as well, but he shakes his head to tell me it’s not needed.
To my left, Shige playfully shoves Ryo and says something that is too low for me to hear and Ryo smiles, a soft expression that we rarely get to see when Shige’s not around. Inwardly I pray that what happened to me doesn’t ever happen to them. I pray that little exchanges like this between them will never disappear and end up only existing in memories attached to photographs hidden away in a box upstairs.
When we step into the dining room and now there are 5 chairs instead of 6, the extra chair set next to the desk in the other room, no one pays it any attention. And after this one moment and the one glance to it in the other room that lasts mere seconds, I don’t either.
---
Ryo:
The schoolyards are empty when I arrive there; it’s like when I was back in high school. It was like jail; no one ever wanted to stay there for longer than they had to. Massu sees me when I walk in and leads me to the office where Yamapi is.
I’ve thought about what I’m going to say to him. If I had a choice, I’d tell him what an idiot he’s being. Not that I haven’t made mistakes, but the stupidity of throwing your boyfriend away without a word and not even trying to make it work in favor of being with some girl is something that I never thought he’d be capable of.
When I reach the door, he’s in full concentration sitting at his desk and is writing something in a book while chewing on something out of a light blue lunchbox even though it’s way past lunchtime.
He looks surprised to see me, and places his pen down, swallowing. “What are you doing here?”
I want to say something. I see Kei-chan’s red, puffy eyes that night and I want to say something to him. But I know that he doesn’t want me to - he told me specifically before I left not to mention him.
It’s not only for Koyama’s sake. For the years before I met Shige, I sat back and watched everything without a word. I watched as the small crush and the slightly squeaky or whiny way he called him Kei-chan Kei-chan developed into something tangible. I watched and I saw how happy they both became when they were together. How could that happiness be matched by a relationship with someone who, by looking at his lunch, doesn’t even know what he likes?
“I came to give you your things. Kei-chan packed up everything.”
His lips press into a line and he nods. “Oh. Thanks.”
“You don’t care, do you?”
“I really don’t need you attacking me right now.”
Before I can bite my tongue, the words come out. “Oh, heaven forbid you feel a bit of pain.”
“Ryo-chan, when you first moved in with us you asked me not to talk down to you or look at you differently for what you were choosing to do even though I might not agree with it. Remember?”
I nod silently.
“Is it too much to ask for you to do the same with me right now?”
“I’m sorry.”
He continues writing, red pen drifting along lines of text without making contact with the page. My eyes drift over to the side of a pen holder, where a small frame stands with a picture of him with his arm around Koyama, both of them making strange faces for the camera. It’s fun, something that would look like him and a best friend to anyone passing by and wouldn’t draw any suspicions.
“Why do you still have that picture?”
He doesn’t even look at it or at me, for that matter. “I like it.”
I want to say something, but I don’t. I know I shouldn’t judge him; I know relationships don’t last forever.
“Reiko might like a picture on your desk too.”
“She’s getting a frame for one of the ones we took recently when we went out. I just hope it doesn’t have pink hearts or bows or something on it.”
He smiles, and I no longer feel as angry with him. He’s moved on.
“She likes that kind of stuff, huh?”
He nods. “Cute things.”
It’s silent for a while, and he looks at the lunch box, smiling to himself.
“I know things are awkward right now,” I begin slowly. “But eventually, when it gets better, come over okay? Don’t be a stranger for too long.”
“I don’t think anyone else other than you wants that.”
“They do. Maybe not right now, but they will.”
He doesn’t respond and I pick that time to leave. I make it down two hallways before I realize I forgot to ask for his keys to put the luggage in his car. But when I go back, it’s a different image entirely.
He takes another bite of cold rice, covers his full mouth with his fist as his shoulders shake with silent sobs. Once he swallows, a small noise escapes his throat, one that is barely audible from where I’m standing. It’s one of loss, and his eyes travel down to where the small picture stands, and he continues to cry for about a minute before wiping away the tears on the sleeve of his shirt and burying his face in his hands.
Things aren’t always as black and white as they seem, are they? Sometimes the true colors only show when you’re not looking for them.
His phone rings, and he wipes his face one last time before answering it.
“Hey, babe. Sorry I’m late…no, I’m alright. Just stressed, that’s all…yeah, I can pick it up on my way home…okay…see you soon.”
I walk away without a word and I leave the bags with Massu.
I slip my hands into the pockets of my jeans and something Kei-chan said last night comes back to me. It had such a sense of finality to it and after seeing Pi today it has become even more real. The two halves that had always fit together perfectly no matter what in the past have now broken into pieces whose edges no longer match.
“I know I’ll see him again,” he had said. “He’ll always have wounds to heal and if that is the only relationship that can and will exist between us, at least it is one that is beautiful, one that will always remind me of the day we met and the time we spent together.”
End of Chapter 12
A/N: Will be mostly RyoShige/Shiku for a while after this.
I slip out of my shoes and he tosses me a warm towel out of the dryer.
“I was doing laundry,” he says with a smile. “Come on, I’ll get you some clothes.”
When I step into his bedroom, I see Ryo sprawled comfortably on the bed, holding onto the half of the comforter he isn’t lying on top of. I laugh quietly and Shige looks up from the drawer over his shoulder and smiles. “He crashed a while ago. I don’t think the wildest of storms could wake him up.”
He hands me some of his clothes and motions towards the bathroom. “Help yourself to anything you need.”
I thank him and step into the bathroom, feeling a lot better now than I did earlier.
---
We talk for a long time about what happened tonight. I can tell he’s angry with Yamapi but I don’t really want him to be. He didn’t hurt me on purpose; I know that.
“Did you ever think about moving out of the house?” he asks. “I think it might be good for you to try to move on as well. I mean, it’s not like all of us will ever stop being close even if we do go our own ways.”
“Yamapi and I talked about it once but it never happened. I guess I’ll revisit the idea soon but as for right now I think I’ll just make the room mine again.”
He nods in understanding. “Mm. I’ll help you. And I’m sure we could get Ryo to move the furniture around.”
Just as I open my mouth to respond, another voice comes into the room.
“What am I doing?”
Ryo is standing against the wall, rubbing his eyes sleepily. Shige looks back at him and smiles, the kind of smile that makes me feel warm. “I was wondering how long it would take you to figure out I’m not made out of cotton and polyester.”
He frowns at Shige but decides not to respond to the comment. “Did something happen?”
“I’m officially single again,” I say, choosing to keep it brief for the sake of remaining calm and his expression softens and he walks over and sits next to us on the floor in front of the couch.
“Are you okay?”
I don’t really know how to answer that. “Half sad, half okay.”
“You’ll find someone, Kei-chan. Someone who doesn’t want to hide the fact that he’s with you.” Those words hit against my chest but I know he’s right. I hope there is someone else who I can love as much and make me feel as loved as Yamapi did. “It’s hard not to like you.”
“Was that a confession?” Shige asks jokingly, trying to make me laugh, which I do. He’s been trying to do that all night, and just the thought of it makes me feel better.
Ryo just plays along, though I know he would probably say something else if it was another situation. “It did sound like it, didn’t it?”
---
A few days later:
A hand ruffles through my hair and a smile greets me when he enters the room.
“I like the haircut. The color looks good on you,” Shige says and I look into the mirror, fixing it. It’s a little bit shorter and darker brown. I’ve been wanting a change for a while and now, as three empty suitcases line the wall, seemed like the perfect time to do so.
“Thanks.”
“Ready?” he asks hesitantly. The truth is, I don’t want to do this, but I’ve been ready ever since that night when we officially went our separate ways. Even if I do this, his presence will always be in this room. This only lessens it to a point where it’s not as easily noticeable.
We start with the shirts, packing them one by one into a large suitcase. At first when we began sharing a room, we had separate drawers but eventually our things mixed in together. It didn’t matter; we knew which things belonged to each of us. Under my own black t-shirt is his white one. Wherever something of mine is, his is there as well.
I pick up one of his older t-shirts, one I used to enjoy sleeping in.
“You’re wearing my shirt,” he begins calmly and I look down, smiling.
“Yeah. It’s comfortable.”
He reaches me and takes the mug from my hands before setting it down on the counter beside us. He slides his hands under the shirt, and I close my eyes half-way in the feeling of the heat of his hands on my cold skin.
He meets my eyes. “I’ll never do something so stupid again.”
I grip the material in my hands for a moment before carelessly tossing it into the bag and moving onto the next drawer. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Shige fixing it but he doesn’t say anything about it. He understands without asking; certain things are harder than others.
---
“Is that the last of it?” he asks much later upon placing one of the last photos into a box.
I stand up, brushing off the front of my jeans. “I think so.”
Ryo begins to move things around according to the arrangement I thought up. At first I felt bad asking him, not knowing if it hurt or was difficult to move heavier and larger things. He said it’s not much different than lifting a piece of paper or a glass of water; it just takes more concentration.
The bed is against the wall now, and Shige moves around the empty space. “The room looks much bigger now.”
It takes a while to get things perfect, but once they are a sense of comfort fills me. I’ll be okay on my own like this, I tell myself and though part of me still stings at the loss of yet another piece of him, I actually believe these words.
“Something smells good,” I comment. Tegoshi and Massu have been messing around for a while in the kitchen to make dinner for all of us. Not too long after I make the comment, the three of us rush to the stairs, our hunger obvious, and Ryo makes it down there first (though he doesn’t actually take the stairs) and Shige and I follow afterwards.
“We thought for a long time about what to make,” Tegoshi admits and Massu steals something off of one of the plates before bringing it into the dining room comfortably in his blue shirt and yellow pajama pants. “It’s all for you, Kei-chan.”
“Thank you,” I say and my heart fills with warmth and gratitude. They’re always so good to me.
“You deserve it,” Massu adds and the feeling grows. I thank him as well, but he shakes his head to tell me it’s not needed.
To my left, Shige playfully shoves Ryo and says something that is too low for me to hear and Ryo smiles, a soft expression that we rarely get to see when Shige’s not around. Inwardly I pray that what happened to me doesn’t ever happen to them. I pray that little exchanges like this between them will never disappear and end up only existing in memories attached to photographs hidden away in a box upstairs.
When we step into the dining room and now there are 5 chairs instead of 6, the extra chair set next to the desk in the other room, no one pays it any attention. And after this one moment and the one glance to it in the other room that lasts mere seconds, I don’t either.
---
Ryo:
The schoolyards are empty when I arrive there; it’s like when I was back in high school. It was like jail; no one ever wanted to stay there for longer than they had to. Massu sees me when I walk in and leads me to the office where Yamapi is.
I’ve thought about what I’m going to say to him. If I had a choice, I’d tell him what an idiot he’s being. Not that I haven’t made mistakes, but the stupidity of throwing your boyfriend away without a word and not even trying to make it work in favor of being with some girl is something that I never thought he’d be capable of.
When I reach the door, he’s in full concentration sitting at his desk and is writing something in a book while chewing on something out of a light blue lunchbox even though it’s way past lunchtime.
He looks surprised to see me, and places his pen down, swallowing. “What are you doing here?”
I want to say something. I see Kei-chan’s red, puffy eyes that night and I want to say something to him. But I know that he doesn’t want me to - he told me specifically before I left not to mention him.
It’s not only for Koyama’s sake. For the years before I met Shige, I sat back and watched everything without a word. I watched as the small crush and the slightly squeaky or whiny way he called him Kei-chan Kei-chan developed into something tangible. I watched and I saw how happy they both became when they were together. How could that happiness be matched by a relationship with someone who, by looking at his lunch, doesn’t even know what he likes?
“I came to give you your things. Kei-chan packed up everything.”
His lips press into a line and he nods. “Oh. Thanks.”
“You don’t care, do you?”
“I really don’t need you attacking me right now.”
Before I can bite my tongue, the words come out. “Oh, heaven forbid you feel a bit of pain.”
“Ryo-chan, when you first moved in with us you asked me not to talk down to you or look at you differently for what you were choosing to do even though I might not agree with it. Remember?”
I nod silently.
“Is it too much to ask for you to do the same with me right now?”
“I’m sorry.”
He continues writing, red pen drifting along lines of text without making contact with the page. My eyes drift over to the side of a pen holder, where a small frame stands with a picture of him with his arm around Koyama, both of them making strange faces for the camera. It’s fun, something that would look like him and a best friend to anyone passing by and wouldn’t draw any suspicions.
“Why do you still have that picture?”
He doesn’t even look at it or at me, for that matter. “I like it.”
I want to say something, but I don’t. I know I shouldn’t judge him; I know relationships don’t last forever.
“Reiko might like a picture on your desk too.”
“She’s getting a frame for one of the ones we took recently when we went out. I just hope it doesn’t have pink hearts or bows or something on it.”
He smiles, and I no longer feel as angry with him. He’s moved on.
“She likes that kind of stuff, huh?”
He nods. “Cute things.”
It’s silent for a while, and he looks at the lunch box, smiling to himself.
“I know things are awkward right now,” I begin slowly. “But eventually, when it gets better, come over okay? Don’t be a stranger for too long.”
“I don’t think anyone else other than you wants that.”
“They do. Maybe not right now, but they will.”
He doesn’t respond and I pick that time to leave. I make it down two hallways before I realize I forgot to ask for his keys to put the luggage in his car. But when I go back, it’s a different image entirely.
He takes another bite of cold rice, covers his full mouth with his fist as his shoulders shake with silent sobs. Once he swallows, a small noise escapes his throat, one that is barely audible from where I’m standing. It’s one of loss, and his eyes travel down to where the small picture stands, and he continues to cry for about a minute before wiping away the tears on the sleeve of his shirt and burying his face in his hands.
Things aren’t always as black and white as they seem, are they? Sometimes the true colors only show when you’re not looking for them.
His phone rings, and he wipes his face one last time before answering it.
“Hey, babe. Sorry I’m late…no, I’m alright. Just stressed, that’s all…yeah, I can pick it up on my way home…okay…see you soon.”
I walk away without a word and I leave the bags with Massu.
I slip my hands into the pockets of my jeans and something Kei-chan said last night comes back to me. It had such a sense of finality to it and after seeing Pi today it has become even more real. The two halves that had always fit together perfectly no matter what in the past have now broken into pieces whose edges no longer match.
“I know I’ll see him again,” he had said. “He’ll always have wounds to heal and if that is the only relationship that can and will exist between us, at least it is one that is beautiful, one that will always remind me of the day we met and the time we spent together.”
End of Chapter 12
A/N: Will be mostly RyoShige/Shiku for a while after this.