Finding peace of mind in chaos

[yukimahou]

Shige x Ueda
Oneshot
Rating: PG-15 (maybe higher :S)
Notes: Originally written for the 2013 JE Holiday fic exchange for kyjr. I had a lot of fun writing it, even though I was crazy busy at one point in the middle, but I'm happy with how it came out.
Summary: One day it just got too much for Shige and he ran away. He just never thought that Ueda would be there with him to help and guide him forwards.



Shige stared at the pile of papers lying on his coffee table. His answering machine was flickering with messages he hadn’t listened to yet and his schedule laid on the kitchen counter outlying the lack of time he’d have to himself this next month. He didn’t want to admit to it out loud, but somewhere deep down things were just not ok.

He didn’t want to have to check every page of the Pink and Grey manga before it got published.

He didn’t want to attend hours and hours of singing and dance training every day in preparation for a new single, even though they just finished their tour.

He knew the messages were all either related to when his new book was coming out, or what type of drama he’d be in next, or when the new single will be announced.

His schedule held hundreds of interviews and photo shoots, and as an author, he featured in more magazines that would usually have nothing to do with the idol side of anything.

And that’s when Shige curled up. It was as if everything screamed at him. Do this, do that, do this, and do it all with a smile. He wanted to be an idol, he wanted to be an author, he wanted to be an actor, but this was too much right now.

Soon he was stumbling into his room, just to get away from the glaring pieces of paper, the flashing light of his answering machine and the horrible atmosphere that weighed down on his shoulders. He had to get away, step away from it for a bit. He’d just go crash at Koyama’s for a bit, or maybe go home. He could even go back to Osaka and hang out there for a bit.

He just needed a break.

Shige didn’t want to admit he was breaking down when he found himself at the airport, his phone left on his couch back in his apartment. All he had was a small bag with some clothes, a few necessities and a camera. He didn’t need more. He was just going to take a break, take a breather… not go far, just somewhere pretty where he can just calm down.

“Somewhere beautiful… I need a ticket on your next flight to somewhere beautiful…” The lady behind the counter blinked at him for a moment, “somewhere beautiful… and far” Shige looked down. Maybe she thought he was mad, maybe she thought she knew him; maybe she could see how tired he felt.

She smiled a professional smile, one that didn’t reach her eyes; one Shige had learnt to fake as well. And she typed away on her keyboard.

“There is a seat available on the next flight to Egypt… and two seats left on the flight to Italy, do either of those seem appealing?” She asked politely, her eyes not leaving the screen much.

“Italy” Soon she is typing away on the computer, taking payment and then Shige was heading to security with a flight ticket to Italy in one hand and his passport in another.

He was getting a break.

-🍁-

Ueda stared a little confused as he watched Shige fidget at the reception desk in the airport. Usually the idea of Shige fidgeting seemed cute; it meant the other was struggling to say something. But as he spoke to the lady, Ueda caught a glimpse of his face, and immediately it wasn’t cute anymore.

Shige looked tired and Ueda frowned. He looked strung out, stressed and in desperate need of an output. He remembered once when Kame hit a similar point, ended up screaming in their changing room and throwing anything and everything he could reach. Poor Nakamaru got pushed right down to the ground, and narrowly missed the table landing on him as Kame kicked it.

But something about Shige made Ueda realise that he wasn’t going to lash out physically. As Shige made his way to security he took his chance.

“Excuse me, where did he end up choosing to go?” He asked the lady, who simply raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t disclose that”

“We work together, and we were supposed to fly to England together. But I think he changed his mind. So before he runs away from me, can you please tell me where he is going?” She seemed nervous about this, but the brighter Ueda smiled, the more she seemed to think it was ok to tell.

“I’ve just booked him on the next flight to Italy”

“Great, can you change my ticket to England to be on the same flight as him?” Ueda asked, handing over his plane ticket. He’d wanted to go to England for ages now, and he finally managed to book off some time before his stage play rehearsals got into full swing. But somehow, he didn’t want Shige running off to Italy on his own when he looked that stressed out.

-🍁-

Shige kept his eyes down while people moved around him on the aircraft, stowing away their bags, settling down into their seats, getting ready for the long flight that lay ahead of them. Somewhere behind him a young girl chatted lively about the trip. To his left some business men talked in low tones in another language. Shige fiddled with the headphones that was on his seat and quickly plugged them in, flicking through the inflight entertainment searching for something to just drown it all out.

Someone sat on the seat next to him, but Shige was determined to ignore them. He didn’t want to talk; he didn’t want people to interact with him. Right now he wanted to be quiet; he wanted to be inside his own head where no one could tell him what to do, where to go, how to act and what to say. Here he was almost free; here he could be himself for a bit.

Himself? Shige thought… behind all the fake smiles, the stories of his novels, the instructions, who was he? Who was he now? Was he just another Johnny, modelled and styled to smile on stage like a puppet?

Was it Akanishi who said the same things just before he managed to go to America? Was that the path that drove Akanishi forwards? Shige shuddered, he could feel that the plane was now starting to level out and someone was trying to get his attention. Shige just waved away the food they tried to give him and curled up on the small chair.

Akanishi made an American debut because he had the musical talent… then he went back to Japan and now he has a family. Shige… what does Shige have? Surely it wasn’t the same.

Shige leant his head forwards on to his knees, listening to his internal voices and the dull drone of some unknown singer and he slowly let himself sleep. Maybe Italy would help him clear his head.

-🍁-

Shige woke up to an annoying poking. He lazily swiped out a hand to chase off Tegoshi, who else would be poking him awake?

As his hand connected with someone he heard a muffled groan. Slowly, Shige fluttered his eyes open, Tegoshi usually squeaks loudly when he does that. He took note of the chair in front of him and frowned. Slowly the events of yesterday came back to him, the glaring notes and frightening responsibilities. Now he was sitting on a plane, bound for Italy, with someone still poking him.

“What?” Shige ripped off the aeroplane headphones that were quiet over his ears, and turned tired, annoyed eyes at the poking insulter. Shige instantly froze in his seat, staring at someone who he never would have expected.

“The plane has landed, and we have to get off” Ueda said. His eyes were steady, although his hair was a little messy on one side. Had Ueda sat next to him the whole flight? Had Ueda casually slept next to him on a plane to Italy without bothering him?

“What…” Shige blinked, still in a bit of shock at the situation.

“No you’re not dreaming; now get up before the CA’s start trying to throw us off.” And with that Ueda stood up, digging about in the overhead locker and pulling Shige’s bag down. As he secured Shige’s bag on top of his small suitcase, he leant down towards Shige, wrapping his fingers around his wrist and pulled.

“Wait… don’t pull… I just… wait” Shige flailed, pulling his hand from Ueda’s grasp and quickly scanning his eyes over his seat, checking that nothing was left behind. When he turned back, Ueda was already bidding farewell to the flight attendants, stepping off the plane, and out of Shige’s sight. Shige quickly ran after him, following him off the plane. Ueda stood in the corridor, waiting for him, as he saw Shige climbing off the plane, he stared to walk again. And Shige could do nothing but follow him.

Even when they had gotten through customs and passport control, Ueda held on to his bag. The few attempts Shige had made at trying to get it back didn’t work as Ueda was stronger and had faster reflexes.

“Why don’t you just give me back my bag?” Shige eventually asked, starting to get a bit annoyed.

“Do you have any plans in Italy?” Ueda’s answered instead; not bothering to give Shige’s bag back.

Shige stared back, what was he to say? ‘No I ran away’, ‘I don’t know what I’m doing cause I just picked a random place’, Shige didn’t want to lie, but he wasn’t ready to admit what he had done yet. He didn’t want Ueda to shove him back on a plane to take responsibility for what he’s done. He just wants to go away for a while. He just wants some…

“Great, I take that as a no! I don’t have any plans either!” Ueda simply interrupted his thoughts and then strode off, leaving Shige in the middle of the airport with (still) no bag.

“Wait… Ueda… Hang on, come back…” But Ueda was gone, simply disappearing into the crowd…. Shige started to panic; no matter where he looked he couldn’t see Ueda. He was here, alone, in Italy, with no idea how to speak the language, and Ueda walked off with all his stuff. What was he going to do?

Shige paused in his inner ranting’s…

But… he was planning on being here alone anyway; Ueda was a surprise… maybe that’s why he was in such a panic, the other being here had thrown off his whole pace.

“Calm down, I didn’t steal your stuff” Shige jumped as Ueda popped up out of nowhere… How was the other doing that? “I got us rooms in a hotel, since neither of us have plans lets enjoy it all together! It’ll be more fun that way I think” Ueda grinned.

Why… why is he smiling? Shige wondered… of all the times he had seen Ueda, he had always seen the shy awkward smile or the bright for-the-fans smile. But this one was neither. It seemed gentle, content… and happy. Ueda smiled better than he did; every time he smiled it came out awkward or fake looking. But here he was, with Ueda smiling at him and he had no idea why.

Shige awkwardly smiled back, then looked away. Why was Ueda here anyway?

Inwardly Shige sighed; he was too tired and mentally worn out to go against Ueda. He simply fell into step with him as he led the way to the hotel, where Ueda left their bags and quickly dragged Shige out towards a quaint restaurant.

-🍁-

Shige stared at the plate of pasta that was put down in front of him. He didn’t remember ordering anything, and he certainly didn’t feel like eating it right now. He glanced up at Ueda and saw the other already digging into his pasta… the same as his. Ueda pulled a lot of faces when he wasn’t in front of cameras. If Ueda was expressive in front of the camera, then he was even more so off camera. Each mouthful looked as if it was thoroughly savoured and deeply appreciated.

Shige stared, he didn’t feel like eating, but watching Ueda was entertaining. It wasn’t until he noticed that Ueda was staring back at him that he snapped out of his daze.

“You’re not eating” It wasn’t a question, just an observing statement. Shige stared back at Ueda and then back down at his untouched food.

“I’m not hungry” Shige answered, to which Ueda frowned.

“You’re in Italy! Did you not know that if you don’t appreciate the food… there will be consequences!”

“Such as…?”

“I don’t think you want to know” Ueda had a dark look on his face, carefully glancing to the side, when Shige followed his line of sight; he caught the waiter staring right back at him… A dark feeling settled inside of Shige. He quickly picked up his fork and started to eat.

Ueda grinned at Shige, ‘He’s so easy to trick’ he thought, as he too returned to his food. He could relax a little now, Shige hadn’t eaten the whole flight and who knew when he ate before that. Seeing him eating now comforted Ueda a little.

Shige had eaten all his food, only realising how hungry he really was when he had started eating. Ueda was looking over the dessert menu when Shige said that he had enough to eat.

“Ok, then how about we take a walk around. We can take it easy today” Shige met with Ueda’s eyes. He was grinning back at him again. Shige looked away.

“I kinda want to be alone for a while” Shige said quietly. Ueda heard, but Shige didn’t notice the slight frown that passed over his face.

“That’s ok” Ueda said softly. When Shige looked up, Ueda was already standing and paying the bill. Shige slowly got to his feet and nodded at Ueda as he walked out the restaurant. Turning a random direction, Shige just walked. He needed to be somewhere alone to sort himself out.

-🍁-

The sky was darkening slowly as the time slowly slipped past Shige. He didn’t pay attention to his surroundings that much, but he was constantly weaving around people who stopped to take photos of whatever was around him.

Somehow everyone seemed to have a flow here, things were moving for them, they had places to go, and they seemed to not mind where those places were. Yet here he was, with no flow, no destination and no clue what he was doing.

He had a flow; one that involved writing, singing, modelling and answering a thousand questions in the way that girls wanted to hear rather than in the way he really wanted to answer. He lived so much by other people’s rules and their plans for his schedule that it slowly made him unhappy. Slowly he started slipping away from the self that he liked.

And then he got on a plane and broke that flow.

Shige blinked up at the arch in front of him. Where was he? He slowly glanced around and noticed that he’d managed to wander right into a park. Slowly he lowered himself onto the grass, staring up at the arch.

So much had changed recently, NEWS went through a lot and he was so sure that he had gotten stronger; everything seemed to have been moving in such a good direction recently. And then suddenly, like a dam, it all broke inside of him.

Somehow it was all too heavy. Shige shuddered slightly, he wanted to cry. Everything was so built up inside of him that he wanted to cry it all out. He looked up at the arch again, trying to distract himself.

What was it? Why was it there? What was it called?

He had no idea.

He really didn’t have any clue about anything recently. Who was he? Was he like the nameless arch in front of him? People take pictures of it, but do they know why it’s there? What it’s called, or do they just take pictures of it because it’s pretty?

Do people just take pictures of him cause he’s an idol? Do they ever care about who he really is?

Shige sighed, and then nearly jumped out of his skin as he noticed that someone had sat down next to him. Shige stared wide eyed at Ueda who was reading a book titled ‘Italy’ in Japanese. Ueda slowly raised his eyes to meet Shige’s.

“Apparently that arch is the Arch of Peace.” Ueda said. No hello, no questions, just a simple statement which lead on right from Shige’s thoughts… How did Ueda know what he was even thinking about?

“It says here that it’s the start of the road that connects Milan to Paris” Ueda gently waved the guide book. But Shige ignored him, turning his eyes back to the arch.

“Peace?” He said quietly, slowly losing himself in thought again.

‘I wonder what he is thinking about so much’ Ueda wondered as he stared at Shige who was spacing out while staring at the arch.

They stayed there, staring and thinking, until Ueda noticed Shige shiver again. Ueda frowned slightly again as he glanced up at the sky. It was getting late; they really should get back to the hotel. And he didn’t want to leave Shige alone here, who knows if he’d even be able to find his way back to the hotel.

Slowly Ueda stood up, turning and pulling a surprised Shige up by his arm.

“Here” Ueda said as he placed the Japanese guide book in his hands before dragging him by the arm back to the hotel.

“Wait… Ueda… you don’t have to drag me…” Shige complained, but Ueda didn’t let go.

“Use the book to find something that you want to do. And we’ll do it tomorrow” Shige stared down at the book in his hand. He didn’t really feel like doing anything. Somewhere inside he just wanted to curl in a ball and just shut out the world. He glanced up at Ueda again. How was he so ok? Why did he not ask more questions? Why did he seem so strong? Shige felt a little jealous.

Ueda turned on Shige when they finally reached Shige’s hotel room.

“I’m right next door. I will come get you in the morning, if you don’t want to choose anything to do, I’ll take you around. So don’t fret about it ok? Let’s just forget about everything else and just enjoy Italy.” Ueda then smiled one of his bright smiles and left Shige in his doorway.

Shige slowly turned into his own room and dropped the guide book on his bed. He stared at it. Inside held a hundred different ‘interesting’ places. Here he was in Italy and he had no desire to see any of it. Maybe it would be better to just let Ueda lead him around. That way he could stop worrying about doing nothing… he is in Italy after all.

Shige went to take a shower. Somehow Ueda’s smile lingered in his mind… he wondered how the other could smile like that? KAT-TUN also went through a lot of different things, but their group dynamic was so different from NEWS’s. Was that why Ueda could smile so brightly? But KAT-TUN used to fight so much… they were famous in the jimusho for it…

Ueda, who was so shut off, rarely smiled and was moody with everyone, had changed so much since his junior days. How much had Shige changed?

They had both moved forwards, that was for sure.

But Shige felt like he had stopped moving… yet Ueda was still steadily walking ahead.

-🍁-

Ueda was there in the morning, quickly guiding him down to the hall to eat breakfast. Shige was still tired. He has slept well that night, the fluffiness of an unfamiliar bed comforting him in the idea that he was far away from others, far away from the responsibilities that he had to face.

He didn’t remember his dreams, but when he woke, the fading memory of a smile and warmth slowly slipped from his mind as sleep drained out of his system. In front of him Ueda seemed to be rubbing his eyes, the only clue that the other was also not a morning person. Ueda slowly moved around the buffet of western food that was set out in the middle of the room. Shige watched quietly as he sipped his coffee, the warmth of his dreams from the previous night coming back to him. Something about the coffee and the sleepy smile of Ueda’s seemed all too familiar. Shige let himself smile a little at the thought.

Maybe it wasn’t so bad that Ueda was here with him. He felt grounded with Ueda, not so lost like he did yesterday. Maybe he was finally settling down after the… Shige didn’t want to address it; just thinking about it brought back the heavy feeling in his chest. He didn’t like that feeling, and he didn’t want to return to it.

Ueda putting down a plate filled with various fruits, breads and hams snapped Shige out of his thoughts.

“Eat up, you’re going to need the energy, and no matter what Johnny’s taught you, coffee is not going to hold you over!” Ueda smiled at him. Shige glanced down at the empty cup of coffee in his hand, and at the plate that Ueda had brought over. He watched as Ueda started picking at the fruit, biting into it and savouring it with exaggerated expressions. Shige took some of the bread, finding cream cheese also on the plate; he slowly started to put together a sandwich for himself. Shige knew that Italy was good for food, but the simple breakfast that they ate together tasted amazing. It somehow made Shige feel lighter.

“Did you decide on anything you wanted to do today?” Shige paused, thinking back to the abandoned guide book in his room. He kinda wanted to look through it now, but last night was another story, he didn’t care back then, he didn’t want to choose. Now he felt the freedom of Italy, and he wanted to explore it a little.

“It’s ok if you didn’t” Ueda smiled, “I was thinking we should visit the cathedral today. It’s got some great views of the city and is really old as well”

The cathedral sounded interesting; unexpected, yet interesting. Somehow Shige never thought that Ueda would come up with such a sophisticated idea, there was something elegant about old western architecture that just didn’t seem to match with the rough yet mysterious image that Ueda seemed to have tied with him. Shige could picture him climbing mountains to see the views, but didn’t really expect Ueda to be the type that wanted to look at old buildings.

Shige smiled slightly at Ueda, “That sounds like a good idea” Ueda just stared back at him, eyes wide with surprise. Did he not expect an answer? Thinking back on it, Shige had been rather difficult recently, so maybe Ueda wasn’t expecting him to agree so quickly. Slowly Ueda smiled back, directing his eyes downwards to the plate in front of him.

“Well eat up and get ready then, we’ll leave in a bit”

-🍁-

The top of the cathedral felt worlds away. Here above the city Shige felt so calm. The sun was bright but it allowed him to see more of the world below him. He always heard of Italy in books or mentioned on TV, but standing here looking down at it all made him feel so small yet so lucky. Nothing seemed to matter up here, here he could snap photos as much as he liked, and no one cared, no one bothered him. Ueda had wandered off to explore the roof, more interested in all the different parts that you could access.

When Shige finally stopped looking at the horizon he turned to take photos of the roof. As he snapped away, his attention was caught by Ueda who was sitting on one of the higher up parts, looking down at the city.

Shige took a photo.

He wasn’t sure exactly why he did, but there was something about the way that Ueda seemed to be looking yet not seeing that just captivated him. Somehow the way Ueda looked through the lens seemed to hint at more than what was really there. It was as if Ueda wasn’t looking at the city, but instead its atmosphere, its mood, its pulse of life. Shige glanced behind him. All he saw was the mixture of buildings, the height, the clear sky and the distant mountains. But Ueda’s face seemed to express that he could see more.

In a way, Shige was jealous. Here he was, no idea what he was really doing, simply looking at the beautiful city below him, yet there was Ueda; comfortable in his own skin, seeming to absorb the rhythm of the city around them and extruding an aura of content.

Ueda seemed happy.

And Shige didn’t know how to do that. What was it that made Ueda seem so strong? He slowly sat down on one of the benches and stared blankly out over the city. How could he be more like Ueda?

From above, Ueda glanced down at Shige again; he’d been watching the other quietly this whole time, paying close attention to his actions and his mood. Shige seemed so captivated with the views and the cathedral. Ueda was proud of himself that he managed to find something that would get Shige’s attention. But slowly that feeling faded as he watched Shige sit down and lose himself in his thoughts again. How many times had Ueda watched him do that now? How could he hold so much inside? Ueda didn’t understand. He wanted to know what was going through Shige’s head. All he could understand from watching was that Shige was not in a good place right now, and whatever had happened to push him to get on a plane to Italy was still haunting him, even in a faraway country.

This was so different from what Ueda had experienced before. The shouts and screams still haunt KAT-TUN when something of that rocky time is mentioned. It was a miracle that they didn’t have a near internal melt down again this time. Koki was such a strong and unique character of KAT-TUN, but compared with how Jin left the band, the wounds were different. Kame exploded, he always does, but the end result was calmer. After all, Koki was always better at calming Kame down.

How he wished he could ask for Koki’s advice on this. How could he relieve someone of their inner turmoil when he wasn’t even sure what it was?

Time slips away quickly on the roof, Ueda decided. So he slowly got to his feet to bother Shige. It was time they got out of the sun. He didn’t want them to get burnt on their first real day in Italy.

-🍁-

The inside of the Cathedral was something that Shige immediately regretted when he walked in. The dark open spaces with the quiet hush that settled around the place gave a heavy and unwanted feeling. He paused in the entrance, staring at the great stain glass windows. Even if they were breathtakingly beautiful, they still blocked so much light from coming in. He wanted to go back to the bright outside, and stay away from dark places.

“Do you wanna look around?” Ueda asked him, a slight frown on the elder’s face. Shige looked at the strange expression that Ueda wore. Usually he would agree to please the other party, but something told Shige that Ueda wasn’t going to like the inside. At least they were on the same page. Shige shook his head, and lead the way back to the bright light of the outside world.

They both seemed to breathe a sigh of relieve, which immediately caused Ueda to start giggling.

“I understand it’s all religious and stuff, but I’m glad you didn’t want to see it. I find the inside a bit… supressing.” Ueda was still walking forwards, unaware that Shige had stopped. Shige quickly moved again to catch up, unsure where they were going.

“Yeah, I’m not a fan of dark places” Shige voiced. It reminded him of his apartment, the curtains drawn to keep out intruding eyes, and only the slightest amount of light filtering in. But the cathedral was so much bigger, and rather than seeming spacious, it just seemed like a giant unnerving place. Shige was glad to be out.

They walked aimlessly for a bit, Shige fiddled with his camera, taking some pictures while Ueda stopped at various different shops to look at things. Eventually, Ueda had dragged them into a small café.

“Just try a piece” Ueda moaned as Shige was hesitant to eat the Tiramisu that Ueda was trying to offer him by spoon.

“I don’t like sweet things”

“It’s coffee flavour! It’ll be fine” Ueda was insistent. So he indulged Ueda, leaning forwards and eating right from the spoon that was offered to him. Ueda’a eyes widened again like they had earlier that day and Shige felt a strange clench in his stomach. He slowly swallowed the cake; Ueda’s hand stayed hovering in the air, even though there was nothing left on the spoon.

It took a few moments of silence while they were staring at each other before they finally snapped out of it. Shige couldn’t believe he had entertained Ueda’s joke in such a way… had it even been a joke? Shige glanced up at Ueda who was staring down at the rest of his Tiramisu. How he wished he could hear the thoughts running through Ueda’s head right now. Maybe then he’d know if he should smile, or apologise or…

“That was unexpected…” Ueda muttered before laughing, directing a bright smile towards Shige who just stared back a bit shell-shocked from the sudden change. Somehow Ueda’s smile was contagious and he laughed back.

They must have looked crazy. Two Japanese guys sitting in a café laughing at something that no one else understood… in fact, Shige wasn’t too sure that he understood either, but the sound of Ueda’s laugh right next to his was a nice and pleasant; causing a warm feeling to bubble up inside him again.

-🍁-

Even though Shige was the one with the guidebook, Ueda seemed to have everything planned out. It turned out that Ueda had managed to book them into a spa for the late afternoon, letting them relax from all the exploring they had been doing. Shige thought it was weird… surely it had only just begun? They hadn’t been here long, and who knew how long they would be here… how did that justify a spa trip? But as soon as Shige found himself drifting to sleep under the expert hands of a masseuse he knew that he should just trust Ueda’s judgement a little more. Somewhere deep down inside him, he knew he needed this.

Shige woke up to someone poking his nose. He mumbled incoherently in hopes that the person would go away. But the poking didn’t stop. Eventually Shige opened his eyes in order to send the offender a glare (even though he is sure it would come out sleepy looking). Instead he is met with the sleepy smile of Ueda’s, all anger and annoyance quickly drained out of Shige.

“Come on, you can’t sleep here” Ueda chided him gently; the lazy smile on his face indicating that he had just finished his massage too. Shige smiled back before stretching and slowly getting up. He felt so light and relaxed that he wondered if he would have slept there all night if no one came to wake him. He followed Ueda up to his room where Ueda told him that he was too lazy to go out for dinner, so he hoped Shige didn’t mind eating room service in his room.

Shige just smiled in return. There wasn’t much he could say against it, he too felt sleepy and lazy. A few minutes passed until room service arrived. Ueda was happy to present that he had ordered them pizza and wine. Shige laughed at the combination.

“Surely beer goes better with pizza!” he stated, but Ueda just shrugged and poured him a glass. They sat with their backs against Ueda’s headboard, their conversations easy, ranging from topics from the past to ‘what would you do if…’ Shige, however, did not expect Ueda’s head that slowly fell onto his shoulder while he was talking about how he wanted to take photos from the top of all sorts of different high places to capture different angles of the sun. Slowly he looked down at Ueda who seemed to have drifted off. He too felt tired, and the temptation to just sleep here was high. Gently he moved some of Ueda’s fringe out of his face, the angle not right to have a clear view of his whole face, but enough to make out the gentle relaxed expression.

Shige nearly jumped from the sudden feeling in his stomach. He had no idea where it suddenly came from, but he quickly decided that it was time to return to his own room. Carefully he moved out from under Ueda’s head and guided the other to lie down. He quietly slipped out the room, his heart beating a little too quickly in his chest.

“Must be the wine” Shige decided, nothing else made sense. He had to return to his own room to make sure that if he wasn’t feeling well, he at least wouldn’t bother Ueda with it.

But Shige didn’t feel ill that night. Instead his dreams were light and made him feel all warm again in the morning.

-🍁-

Shige took the lead the next day. He felt like he wanted to take a look at the museums that were in the city. He felt content when he dragged Ueda into different exhibits, frowning at the lack of Japanese translations in some places. Ueda laughed at him and told him to stop questioning everything.

“I want to know why it’s so important” Shige complained.

“But is it important, does knowing change anything?”

“I would know what it is, broaden my knowledge” Ueda sighed at that response.

“You worry over too many details, take it easy” With that Ueda walked on ahead, and Shige thought back for a moment. Did he really worry over the details that much? Usually he let Koyama stress over details and Massu handle the costumes. He just did what he had to do.

But was that the case recently?

He had worried so much over being perfect, about being what was expected of him, and focused on the details. Is that what had happened?

Shige didn’t pay attention to details after that, he laughed with Ueda over some of the hideous designs of the old furniture and walked with him in the flea market they found, trying not to worry about if he should buy gifts for people or not.

Ueda didn’t care… so why should he? Was that the secret behind Ueda? The one that looks like he sees more than there really is. No wonder he was able to convince people that he could see fairies.

“Thanks” Shige said later, Ueda just looked at him odd.

“For what?”

“For telling me to not worry over the details” But Ueda didn’t get it, maybe that in itself was a detail that needed to be over looked, Shige smiled back at him, leaving the subject there.

“So what do you want to do tomorrow?” He asked Ueda over dinner. They couldn’t stay in Milan the whole time, they would soon run out of things to see and Ueda seemed like the type to get bored quickly.

“Let me think about that” He said, as he dug into his lasagne. The evening rolled by just as calmly as the day had. Somehow time passing quickly was a comfort to Shige; it meant that he wasn’t fretting so much anymore, he felt like he may in fact be getting a bit better. The idea of everything back in Japan still gave him a nervous knot in his stomach, but somehow Ueda’s words from today had been echoing in his head, a reminder that maybe, just maybe he will one day get over this… whatever it is.

-🍁-

“You seriously have to stop taking photos, or we are going to miss the train!” Ueda yelled at him, swiping for his head in order to get Shige to drop his camera so they could go to the platform.

“But the station is really beautiful, just a couple more photos”

“You already took like a hundred! If we miss that train to Verona I will make you walk!”

Shige gingerly took a few more photos, before turning and getting a shot of Ueda’s angry face before he felt himself being hit on the head again.

“Fine fine, let’s go! I just wanted some photos of here before we sat on a train for a few hours. Gotta keep myself entertained somehow.” Shige mumbled.

“Keep yourself entertained on the train, not at the station. Now go!” Ueda pushed him along.

Usually he was really laid back, but when they had decided to go to Verona, he could feel himself getting all excited. When he had played Romeo in his stage play, he only got the chance to visit Stratford Upon Avon, not Verona. Somehow he always had to imagine the setting, but now he got the chance to see it, and he wasn’t going to let Shige and his camera ruin that for him.

He practically pushed the other all the way into his seat on the train.

The train journey was long and a little boring. About half an hour in Ueda fell asleep; half way there he fell onto Shige’s shoulder. Shige had jumped at the time, he was flicking through the photos on his camera when it happened, and hadn’t expected it at all. The photos he had taken consisted of buildings, the sky and Ueda. It reminded him of the time he went to New York with Koyama. At that time, Koyama had to pester him to take photos of people but now it seemed like the camera called to take photos of Ueda.

Shige moved slowly as he lifted the camera up, turning the lens back to face him and Ueda. He quietly took a photo and brought the camera back to look at how the shot came out. Shige admired the peaceful look on Ueda’s face but was surprised by the calm look on his own face. He turned his attention out the window and started thinking.

He didn’t want to admit it, but he really had to address it. He had a breakdown. The stress of work had gotten to him, and it had pushed him to a very drastic outcome. If Ueda hadn’t been on the same flight as him… he hated to think of it like this… but he probably would still be under the covers of an unfamiliar bed in a random hotel with no idea where to go from there.

At least now he knew he was going to Verona, and then he would relax some more and maybe, just maybe, Ueda will continue to help him. He wasn’t sure if the other was aware of it, but somehow Ueda’s presence and words were helping Shige, and Shige hoped it was enough to make him strong again.

When the train pulled into Verona, Shige gently nudged Ueda awake. Ueda blinked around slowly, getting rid of the sleepy feeling before realising where they were. His eyes went wide with excitement before dragging Shige off the train.

Shige left Ueda in charge of finding a hotel, staring at the station building and snapping more photos, including one of Ueda talking to the Tourist Information clerk. Shige smiled a little to himself, these photos of Ueda he was taking almost felt like a little secret, a little sanctuary. It was if the more photos he took of Ueda, the more he could absorb some of that carefree personality. He turned off his camera just as Ueda came over to lead them to the hotel, saying that it seems that most hotels in the city were already booked.

In fact, they discovered just how fully booked they were when they got to the third hotel.

“I’m sorry, we’ve only got one room available” Ueda looked at Shige, eyes questioning, as if he was unsure what to do. It wasn’t like he was asking permission more like asking for guidance. It was a look that Shige had never expected to be thrown at him.

“We’ll take it” He said, Ueda blinking at him in surprise.

“I’m sorry” He said as they rode the lift together.

“What for?” Shige asked.

“Looks like I’m going to intrude on your private space for the next day or so”

“That’s ok…” Shige said, but when he saw the double bed in the room, he realised that maybe this won’t be as smooth as he thought. Sure he’d shared a bed with Koyama in the past, but Ueda was not his dorky best friend. Ueda was…

Ueda was…

What was Ueda to him?

Somehow Shige hadn’t thought of that before. To say that Ueda was a co-worker seemed wrong, but did that then mean they were friends?

Shige pondered for a while in the doorway while he thought it over.

“…ge…. Shige….?” Shige hadn’t heard him talking; he quickly glanced at Ueda, “I can sleep on the floor if you want…” Ueda said nervously next him, his eyes flicking around the place.

“Nah, its ok, I don’t mind… you don’t mind do you?” Shige said.

“Yeah, I don’t mind” Ueda smiled a little before dumping his things on the side table.

Shige carefully put his stuff down next to the bed on his side (as Ueda had already claimed the other side). When Shige looked up, Ueda had already gotten his nose in the guide book, looking up various places to visit in Verona. Shige smiled to himself as he let Ueda take control. It was more interesting this way, plus this way he can get used to not worrying about details. He could really learn a lot from Ueda.

-🍁-

Ueda dragged him everywhere in Verona. Excitement bubbled from under his skin, slowly effecting Shige who soon started to feel just as excited. Ueda talked non-stop about all the different places he had read about when he acted as Romeo and how he really wanted to visit but couldn’t at the time. Now he finally got to see the arena, the theatre, and various other places that the names made Shige’s head spin. He smiled, enjoying the way that Ueda seemed like a young child seeing a toy shop for the first time.

Shige’s camera slowly filled with more and more photos; his favourite being one of Ueda running his hand over graffiti to Juliet by one of the bridges. In that moment Shige felt the warmth inside him again. He’d been feeling it a lot recently, but still hadn’t tied a word to it. Maybe he was content with Ueda’s actions, maybe he was ignoring the details and this was the result. Usually Shige hated it when people graffitied, but somehow the elegance of Ueda along with the scenery of the buildings and the small stream seemed to have distracted Shige from his dislike of the disfigurement of public property.

Ueda didn’t voice his opinion on it, silently lost in the world trying to understand the messages in the different languages. Surely he would understand better than Shige, after all he had played the role of Romeo.

How would that feel? He wondered, to love someone so much that death would be an option. Even if Shige felt suffocated and trapped, he didn’t think that he would turn to death… But love! Love which he is told is wonderful, extravagant and that which sets you free, can lead you to death?

Was Romeo and Juliet’s love really so taboo that they had to choose death to be together? Even if it was a work of fiction, their extreme amount of love was not something that Shige would like to be faced with.

“It’s hard to imagine loving someone that much” Ueda said quietly as they walked back to their hotel after dinner, surprising Shige out of his thoughts. How had they been thinking similar things again?

“Yeah, it’s hard to think of something so extreme to be so real” Shige added.

“It’s kinda romantic though” Shige looked at Ueda, what did he mean? “In Titanic when one died, the other continued living. But Romeo couldn’t do that, and nor could Juliet. They had to be together, whether it be in life or death. It’s just a sad tragedy.”

“Bunraku is like that, lover suicides seem to be popular in traditional Japanese arts.”

“Would you ever do something like that?” Ueda asked as he closed their hotel room, Shige collapsed backwards onto the bed.

“I don’t know. I guess desperate situations can lead to desperate results” After all Shige knew that very well, who is to say that if he was in Romeo’s situation that he would take a different option.

“Is that what happened?” Shige blinked at the ceiling, the question digesting slowly in his head. He felt the bed dip slightly as Ueda sat down on his side. How had the conversation turned to this so quickly?

Maybe Ueda did care about the details… but decided to approach the matter more gently.

Shige sighed, “Yeah… I guess that’s what happened” He could feel the chocking feeling in his chest again. “It just suddenly was too much” He felt like he was going to cry, somehow telling someone else about it made it seem a bit more real, until now he had been pretending it was ok, silently working at himself. But Ueda, in just a few words had brought those barriers down.

Ueda lay down next to him, “It gets a bit much for all of us, we all just have different ways of dealing with it I guess.”

“How do you deal with it?” Shige’s voice was small, afraid of approaching these feelings, of letting Ueda know why he was on a plane to Italy.

“I box, Kame trashes the dressing room, Taguchi plays games, Nakamaru studies and Koki gets more pets” Shige thought about it, KAT-TUN… the imperfectly perfect band that he had always seen. They all had this edge to them that made Shige think that they could cope with anything that came their way, but like NEWS they had lost members, they had regrouped and moved forwards. NEWS nearly shattered whereas KAT-TUN carried on. Shige always thought they were strong.

Maybe he was strong too; he just never knew how to redirect the stress until it consumed him.

“I used to write to escape” Shige said quietly.

“What did you write about?”

“Being an idol, being normal, being in love, being alone. I wrote anything and everything… but then I got published… and somehow it’s not an escape anymore”

“So you came to Italy…”

Ueda turned over to look at Shige who remained silent. He carefully brushed Shige’s hair out of his face. In return he got a vulnerable scared look shot at him.

Ueda leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on Shige’s forehead. A moment passed before Ueda snapped back, unsure about why he did that. He tried to pull away completely, but Shige had grabbed a hold of Ueda’s shirt.

“Don’t go” He whispered and Ueda stared down in disbelieve, happiness bubbled up inside him, more intensely than any time he realised that Shige was taking photos of him again. At first he just enjoyed the younger’s attention, but this… this was different.

Ueda leaned down again, not sure what to expect when he gently pressed his lips to Shige’s. To his surprise, Shige kissed back. It was slow and hesitant, but it gave Ueda little tingles down his back. After a moment he pulled back, telling Shige to go get ready for bed.

Shige locked himself in the bathroom for a moment, unsure why he had done that, why he had allowed that. But the moment Ueda had kissed his forehead, he felt the warmth spread all over his body again, and the strange sensation flared up in his stomach. All those times in the past when he wrote about butterflies in his stomach, he never really knew what it felt like or understood why they were called butterflies. But now he understood. He stared at his slightly flushed face in the mirror. Maybe by trying to overlook details this ‘holiday’ he failed to notice the most important detail.

Ueda:

The most unexpected and imperfectly perfect part of this impromptu trip.

-🍁-

Shige woke up to an annoying ringing noise and the warmth which was wrapped around him moving away. He slowly opened his eyes only to watch Ueda carefully shuffle off the bed to answer his phone. Shige let his eyes fall closed again, trying to ignore the cold feeling that now surrounded him when he didn’t have Ueda’s arms around him anymore.

Ueda answered the call in the bathroom, keeping his voice low. He wasn’t sure how light a sleeper Shige was and the clock said it was still pretty early in the morning.

“What is it Kame, it’s early!” Ueda didn’t even bother with pleasantries, Kame knew how much he hated being woken up by the phone ringing, yet the younger still insisted on calling him in the morning.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about the time zones…. Anyway, how’s England?” Kame laughed.

“Actually I’m in Italy…”

“Huh? What are you doing there?”

“I had a change of plans, it’s pretty here”

“Right… Ok, I’m not going to ask, I’ve learnt not to with you.”

“Thanks… so what do you want, I know you called with a purpose”

“Ahaha, so you know me well. Yeah I called to warn you.”

“Warn me?”

“Yeah, Kato from NEWS has gone missing and no one knows where he is. Johnny’s ordered a lock down on talking until they can locate him”

“It’s that serious?”

“Well, we don’t know if he committed suicide or has been kidnapped, or what… You know how our job can drive people crazy.” Ueda glanced back into the room at Shige curled up under the bed covers.

“I’m sure he’s fine, he’ll be back soon”

“What makes you say that?” Trust Kame to be sharp at picking up things.

“Nothing, so basically you are telling me that if I get ambushed at the airport, that I just stay silent?”

“That’s exactly it; hopefully this won’t get out of hand or anything.”

“I’m sure it won’t”

“You sound too confident…”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll talk to you later Kame… Bye”

“Wait…. Do you know…” Ueda didn’t hear the end, he quickly hung up. He didn’t want to talk to Kame about this; this was up to Shige. If he got ambushed at the airport, they were mostly likely going to pounce on Shige, not him. But Ueda was thankful of the warning, this way he could prepare. After all, he was determined to take Shige back to Japan with him.

Ueda carefully slipped back into the bed, snuggling closer to Shige who was warm. He giggled a little when he heard Shige mumbling something in his sleep. Ueda just wrapped his arms back around him and drifted back to sleep. They can deal with the world later.

-🍁-

Seeing Juliet’s balcony in real life was a slight disappointment. In the play they had a large beautifully decorated balcony to which Ueda had scaled up. But in Verona, there was only a small balcony and a lot of tourists. There was still a magical aspect to everything here, it’s just the balcony was not what he expected. Shige smiled awkwardly at him from behind his camera lens.

“The plaza was better I think” he said as he snapped a couple of photos, quickly dropping the camera from his face. Ueda had learnt by now how to judge how much Shige liked something based on the amount of photos he took. This had caused Ueda to lead Shige to various different parks, buildings and plazas, just so that he could watch Shige’s serious face as he took photos. Plus he secretly enjoyed it when Shige tried to point the camera at him secretly. But Ueda was already well aware of how many photos Shige must have taken of him. He may have to steal that memory card when they got back to Japan, just so he could count the amount.

Shige seemed a lot more relaxed today. It was like what happened last night had healed the small crack within him. Maybe the pressure to be perfect had damaged him, and hearing how imperfect everyone was comforted him. Or at least this is what Ueda had hoped. He didn’t want to see Shige suddenly running off alone again.

Especially now that Ueda had found something in Shige’s smile that he wasn’t sure he could let go.

They spent their dinner in a restaurant near the hotel, planning their next step. Italy was so big and beautiful that choosing one more city was hard. Ueda had been insistent on going back to Japan in a couple of days, but Shige was still unsure if he could handle it.

“It’ll be fine, I’ll help” Ueda said gently before squeezing his hand on the table. Shige’s eyes flew open widely and quickly scanned across the restaurant. Ueda just laughed, “no one knows us here, and no one cares, so calm down.”

“I just… you know being an idol and all…”

“Taboo?”

“Well… not exactly… but can you imagine what would happen if the press found out?!”

“How about we face that when we get to it… just don’t go all Romeo and Juliet on me ok?”

Shige stared at Ueda, and slowly laughed along with him. “You’re right; we can deal with that later. And don’t worry; I’m clearly not strong enough to take such a drastic step”

“You came to Italy…”

“Yeah but I can always go back … Death is a bit more eternal”

“Don’t worry about that” Ueda poured some more wine into Shige’s glass before they leaned back over the guide book. Ueda’s hand didn’t leave Shige’s.

A couple of glasses and a shared Tiramisu (which Ueda insisted on) later they had finally decided on Venice. There was enough to do there to last a couple of days, and then they could get an early train to get back to Milan in time for their evening flight.

The waiter stared at them in disbelieve when they argued over the bill, Ueda eventually won by trapping both of Shige’s hands in one of his, his grip after all was much stronger. They walked home in light giggles and frivolous stories, teasing each other about the past and the possible future.

When Shige shut the door to their room, Ueda was there, waiting for Shige to move, usually Ueda lead but this time he waited for Shige. He didn’t want to push him.

Shige smiled back at him gently before slowly coming into Ueda personal space, gently taking his lips with his own. Ueda was so warm, Shige could feel it radiating from him, and the warmth attracted him closer. Slowly he saw the soft smiles of Ueda’s between the sheets; things were moving at a slow yet fast pace. Shige’s head spinning from the wine and the ecstasy which Ueda shared with him.

Shige fell open under Ueda, he released all his fears and trusted himself to Ueda completely, slipping his hands into the elder’s hair, tugging slightly just to hear the soft groans that Ueda made in his throat when he did it.

Ueda took everything Shige gave him, and made him feel so much lighter, so much better and so complete.

All this time he had felt imperfect, he couldn’t meet expectations, he felt judged and weak under all the pressure. But something about the way Ueda was looking at him right now made him feel complete, unjudged and content. It was ok, he told himself.

If Ueda can look at him like he is precious, then why should he care what gets thrown at him?

-🍁-

Shige never would have guessed that Ueda was a little cheesy. As soon as they got to Venice, he dragged Shige to ride on a gondola with him. Seeing Venice by water was certainly beautiful, but it was still a very romantic setting. Ueda pointed out every little thing he could and Shige snapped photos for him and even a few of Ueda for himself.

They were drifting down a narrow canal with buildings right on the water on either side, the water was calm and the gondolier offered to take the photo for them. Shige was really hesitant to let someone else handle his camera at first, but Ueda loved the idea. Eagerly helping Shige pass the camera over.

“That must be the first photo where you appear on your camera in this trip” Ueda laughed when they looked at the photo together. Shige silently flushed at the thought of the secret photo he took when Ueda was asleep on the train. Ueda gave him a suspicious look, but when Shige smiled back, he dropped the subject.

Shige loved Venice. The museums were amazing and the city itself was so interesting that he had so much fun exploring with Ueda. He took maybe a thousand photos. It felt like he was constantly finding things to point the camera at, besides Ueda that is.

As they booked themselves into a hotel near San Marco, the first thing Ueda did was throw open the balcony doors to look out at the sea.

And Shige took a picture of that as well.

Ueda laughed as he heard the shutter go off again.

“Put that camera down and join me for the sunset” He came into the room, removing the camera from Shige’s hands and pulling him to the balcony, wrapping his hands around Shige’s waist and resting his chin on Shige’s shoulder.

“You know, you’re more romantic than I thought” Shige leaned into Ueda’s warm body. He felt so calm today, feeling himself get swept away with all the interesting things in front of him.

Ueda chuckled, but didn’t comment. He was too busy enjoying the colours and the feel of Shige. He never thought he would experience something like this with the other. He feared that once they returned to Japan, that Shige may drift away, so for now, he wanted to cherish it all.

“Let’s go to the islands tomorrow, I heard Burano and Murano are a must see point of Venice” Ueda said after the sun dipped behind the horizon. Shige lead them inside before the temperature started to drop too much.

“Sounds like a good idea, after that we should probably get ready to go back to Milan” Ueda smiled in response, pulling Shige out the room for some dinner now that he had finished watching the sun set.

-🍁-

Ueda reminded Shige of a kitten. He was curious and energetic but took everything at his own pace. Cats had this weird way of staring out at nothing and holding such a mysterious expression on their faces, one that Shige believed Ueda did perfectly. Watching Ueda run around the islands was great fun. He even managed to convince someone to let him try glass blowing, not that his attempt was any good. Shige had laughed, and stayed a safe distance away, snapping photos as Ueda had concentrated on the glass, hoping that it would come out ok. Even if Ueda seemed disheartened when the glass broke, he quickly got over it when Shige took him to get some ice cream.

The day passed in a blur of smiles, sunshine and photos. It wasn’t long until Ueda was pulling a half asleep Shige onto the train bound for Milan on their last day. They had a long distance to travel and even if Venice had captured Shige’s heart (and his camera had captured Venice), he knew he couldn’t stay there forever.

He was ready to face his job again.

Ueda slept against him on the train again, and Shige spent the time staring out the window.

When they finally got to the airport and Ueda had sorted out their tickets, Ueda finally asked the question he was expecting and dreading.

“Are you sure you are ready for this?”

Shige smiled back, he was nervous and a little afraid. What if it got that worse again, what if the thoughts boiled over and he did another stupid thing in response?

But as he stared back at Ueda and he knew he’d be ok.

“I’ll be fine; I think I found something to distract me from the stress.” Ueda looked at him questioningly, but Shige didn’t elaborate. Instead Shige took his hand and lead them through the airport. They had a long flight ahead of them, and Shige wanted to spend it sleeping against Ueda.

After all, there was a lot of work to be done when he landed. As they boarded the plane, Shige started to think back on his trip.

“Do you think we would make an interesting novel?” He asked Ueda.

“You want to write about us?”

“Well, I want to write a love story which holds emotions so strong that readers cry and hope for the characters.”

“I think we spent too much time in romantic locations…”

“Hey…” Shige gently hit Ueda over the head, to which Ueda responded with a stolen kiss.

“One thing at a time, you’ll have a lot of other things to worry about when we get back to Japan.”

“As long as you are by my side, I won’t mind.”

Shige smiled as he watched Ueda blush slightly at the comment. Returning to Japan was going to be his new start, and he refused to do it without Ueda.