Christmas 2010-2012 Gifts - Addendum
For those of you who were paying attention to the Christmas gifts post, there were five "grab bag" presents, but only four recipients listed by name. I wanted to name the fifth person... but I was worried that it would bring a sour taint to all the warm and fuzzy thoughts due to the tragedy involved.
newfyangel, aka Deborah Fowler, tragically lost her life on February 2, 2011. I, and the rest of my friends, did not find out about it until late May of that year. That's one of the sad facts of life when you make friends online. If something happens to them... it might take a long time before you find out, if you ever do.
In December of 2010, I was too sick to finish the presents on time. I hadn't even been able to start a fourth of them. So as not to push myself too hard and degrade my health further, I vowed to finish them by Christmas of 2011.
Then I found out about Newfy's death.
The knowledge that I was too late to give Newfy the present I promised her... Every time I tried to resume work on the stories, I thought about her, how I could never give her the present I said I'd make for her. I was left asking myself: should I make one in her memory or quietly make no mention of her at all? If I did make a present, what would she have liked? She asked for something generally warm and fuzzy, so the rest was up to me, but it was hard getting in the proper mindset, knowing that if I hadn't let sickness overtake me, I could have at least given her one last present before she died.
I know it's not fair for me to beat myself up over this. It isn't the first time in my life that death claimed a loved one before I could fulfill a promise I made to them. It wasn't even the first time that my chronic illness was the reason why I couldn't do it in time.
When I attempted to finish the presents this year, opening up the file where I listed what everyone asked for along with their names, and seeing her name, was a fresh blow to that old wound. I don't know how I managed to finish all the stories despite that, particularly with such a short time crunch. Five days is what it took to write almost 30,000 words/over 50 pages, and that was simply amazing for me. A Christmas miracle you could say.
I'd like to think that wherever Newfy is now, that maybe she knew I was having trouble coping with this, and perhaps she gave me that push I needed to finish the presents... so that I can move on.
I know it's late, but Merry Christmas, Newfy. I hope you liked your present. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me.
newfyangel, aka Deborah Fowler, tragically lost her life on February 2, 2011. I, and the rest of my friends, did not find out about it until late May of that year. That's one of the sad facts of life when you make friends online. If something happens to them... it might take a long time before you find out, if you ever do.
In December of 2010, I was too sick to finish the presents on time. I hadn't even been able to start a fourth of them. So as not to push myself too hard and degrade my health further, I vowed to finish them by Christmas of 2011.
Then I found out about Newfy's death.
The knowledge that I was too late to give Newfy the present I promised her... Every time I tried to resume work on the stories, I thought about her, how I could never give her the present I said I'd make for her. I was left asking myself: should I make one in her memory or quietly make no mention of her at all? If I did make a present, what would she have liked? She asked for something generally warm and fuzzy, so the rest was up to me, but it was hard getting in the proper mindset, knowing that if I hadn't let sickness overtake me, I could have at least given her one last present before she died.
I know it's not fair for me to beat myself up over this. It isn't the first time in my life that death claimed a loved one before I could fulfill a promise I made to them. It wasn't even the first time that my chronic illness was the reason why I couldn't do it in time.
When I attempted to finish the presents this year, opening up the file where I listed what everyone asked for along with their names, and seeing her name, was a fresh blow to that old wound. I don't know how I managed to finish all the stories despite that, particularly with such a short time crunch. Five days is what it took to write almost 30,000 words/over 50 pages, and that was simply amazing for me. A Christmas miracle you could say.
I'd like to think that wherever Newfy is now, that maybe she knew I was having trouble coping with this, and perhaps she gave me that push I needed to finish the presents... so that I can move on.
I know it's late, but Merry Christmas, Newfy. I hope you liked your present. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me.