Rant
Okay so.
uhmmm...
2:13 AM
I can't sleep.
I had a horrible week.
For no good reason.
Does this sound familiar?
Yeah well it feels familiar to me.
My weeks run Wednesday-Sunday instead of the norm. because of my work week.
Well...back tracking a little, Tuesday I signed a lease, to touch on that a tad, I'm scared shitless.
I've never signed a lease before and I'm horrible with money and horrible with staying in one place. I can easily handle someone elses money, but mine? Forget it. I get to overwhelmed trying to figure it out. Same with anything else I figure out. I need help. I've wanted to call different hotlines, dr. Phil, whatever, I can't keep doing this adult thing on my own. I Suck At It. End of story. I'm making it, yes congratulations Christine Alison Carolan you are making it! w00t! with no college education to show, no monies, nothing, just making it, I owe myself a big ol' pat on the back hoo ha!
Oh yes, and Jason is moving in. Want to touch on that? Cause I do. When I'm with him I'm SO excited, like, no doubt in mind. When I'm alone, or at work, basically without him I'm a nervous mess. I dated Johnny for over 3 years and was still nervous about living with him, and we broke up right before I was supposed to live with him! I think this is Jason's first "serious" relationship and I don't mean to hurt him when I show doubt in things working, it's not that I doubt it'll work, it's just that I've heard the same words before and a year later they changed. Which is only human for feelings to change, but that makes it hard for me to believe the same words from a different person. I do, then I don't, then I do. I don't think it'll be hard for me to share my living space with someone like that, hell I did it at Ian's. I just don't think he'll be able to put up with me. I'm not the most sane person. I'm actually a polar opposite of sane. I keep trying to tell him that but he doesn't see it, which is good, but I don't want him to live with me and then see it and hate it. I don't think things are moving to fast by any means, if you know me you know I move fast, I don't waste my time at all apparently. So in my mind this pace is good. But I think this will be a huge test for Jason, first time moving out, and it's with his first serious girlfriend. I'm nervous and I never want to be thought of as a negative aspect of his life.
Living here I lack in friends, to be blatent. And when I do need someone to talk to I try my florida friends but I never get ahold of anyone. I want to talk to Jason about things more than I do, but it all involves some previous part of my life that's generally upsetting and I'm sick of explaining my life story >_<.
This week I've been all stressed out about paying the first month rent and sec. deposit on time and getting out of here asap.
Also my mom will be staying with me for a month and that's got me punching myself for offering.
My job is enough stress, I love my job, really, everytime I have a puppy class I'm a happy camper, but I'm around alot of sick animals and see alot of sad stuffs, it's depressing. I wanted to get this cat named Mr. Handsome so badly, he's 5 years old and (Johnny if you're reading) one of the oddest looking cats. He's a grey tabby with a decent sized body and this HUGE head. His cheeks are huge and hard, something is definitly not right, a manager thinks it's all scar tissue from getting in fights. Anyways, I've been taking care of the cats at night and he's always so sad but when you pet him he rubs his huge cheeks on you and starts purring. I was going to take him but I found out he's FIV positive and can't be around any other cats. I got so sad. Oh another 2 cats that came in together reminded me of Johnny too, they're HUGE cats. They're in one cage together that has a hole connecting the two parts of the cage, we all think they should be in seperate cages cause they look to fat to get through the hole to the other side and they just lay on each other XD
So yeah, Jason, maybe I'm so depressed because I miss him so much. I really miss just laying with him, everytime I see him now we're at his house and watch movies and what not, which I love but I like cuddles. alot alot. I didn't see him tonight, or last night, and the night before that I had him take me home from his friends house early cause I couldn't hold back tears anymore, I missed Renee and Cassi so much all day, by night time I ended up just curling up in my car with the seat back and crying until I felt a little better. Cool human, eh?
I'm feeling better...thinking about Jason cuddles helped...and talking to Donny about getting nacho's at Denny's.
Oh and if you are reading Johnny, tonight I found old pictures and what not, from when I was 15 and my first trip to toronto. The one picture of you , sarah and I? No matter how things have ended up, I just want to say thanks for making me smile like that in the picture : )
Don't know where that came from, but glad I got it out XD LJ is a pathetic means of communication but oh well, it's something XD
Wish me luck on life guys!!!! I'm still giving it my all!! Please support me!
uhmmm...
2:13 AM
I can't sleep.
I had a horrible week.
For no good reason.
Does this sound familiar?
Yeah well it feels familiar to me.
My weeks run Wednesday-Sunday instead of the norm. because of my work week.
Well...back tracking a little, Tuesday I signed a lease, to touch on that a tad, I'm scared shitless.
I've never signed a lease before and I'm horrible with money and horrible with staying in one place. I can easily handle someone elses money, but mine? Forget it. I get to overwhelmed trying to figure it out. Same with anything else I figure out. I need help. I've wanted to call different hotlines, dr. Phil, whatever, I can't keep doing this adult thing on my own. I Suck At It. End of story. I'm making it, yes congratulations Christine Alison Carolan you are making it! w00t! with no college education to show, no monies, nothing, just making it, I owe myself a big ol' pat on the back hoo ha!
Oh yes, and Jason is moving in. Want to touch on that? Cause I do. When I'm with him I'm SO excited, like, no doubt in mind. When I'm alone, or at work, basically without him I'm a nervous mess. I dated Johnny for over 3 years and was still nervous about living with him, and we broke up right before I was supposed to live with him! I think this is Jason's first "serious" relationship and I don't mean to hurt him when I show doubt in things working, it's not that I doubt it'll work, it's just that I've heard the same words before and a year later they changed. Which is only human for feelings to change, but that makes it hard for me to believe the same words from a different person. I do, then I don't, then I do. I don't think it'll be hard for me to share my living space with someone like that, hell I did it at Ian's. I just don't think he'll be able to put up with me. I'm not the most sane person. I'm actually a polar opposite of sane. I keep trying to tell him that but he doesn't see it, which is good, but I don't want him to live with me and then see it and hate it. I don't think things are moving to fast by any means, if you know me you know I move fast, I don't waste my time at all apparently. So in my mind this pace is good. But I think this will be a huge test for Jason, first time moving out, and it's with his first serious girlfriend. I'm nervous and I never want to be thought of as a negative aspect of his life.
Living here I lack in friends, to be blatent. And when I do need someone to talk to I try my florida friends but I never get ahold of anyone. I want to talk to Jason about things more than I do, but it all involves some previous part of my life that's generally upsetting and I'm sick of explaining my life story >_<.
This week I've been all stressed out about paying the first month rent and sec. deposit on time and getting out of here asap.
Also my mom will be staying with me for a month and that's got me punching myself for offering.
My job is enough stress, I love my job, really, everytime I have a puppy class I'm a happy camper, but I'm around alot of sick animals and see alot of sad stuffs, it's depressing. I wanted to get this cat named Mr. Handsome so badly, he's 5 years old and (Johnny if you're reading) one of the oddest looking cats. He's a grey tabby with a decent sized body and this HUGE head. His cheeks are huge and hard, something is definitly not right, a manager thinks it's all scar tissue from getting in fights. Anyways, I've been taking care of the cats at night and he's always so sad but when you pet him he rubs his huge cheeks on you and starts purring. I was going to take him but I found out he's FIV positive and can't be around any other cats. I got so sad. Oh another 2 cats that came in together reminded me of Johnny too, they're HUGE cats. They're in one cage together that has a hole connecting the two parts of the cage, we all think they should be in seperate cages cause they look to fat to get through the hole to the other side and they just lay on each other XD
So yeah, Jason, maybe I'm so depressed because I miss him so much. I really miss just laying with him, everytime I see him now we're at his house and watch movies and what not, which I love but I like cuddles. alot alot. I didn't see him tonight, or last night, and the night before that I had him take me home from his friends house early cause I couldn't hold back tears anymore, I missed Renee and Cassi so much all day, by night time I ended up just curling up in my car with the seat back and crying until I felt a little better. Cool human, eh?
I'm feeling better...thinking about Jason cuddles helped...and talking to Donny about getting nacho's at Denny's.
Oh and if you are reading Johnny, tonight I found old pictures and what not, from when I was 15 and my first trip to toronto. The one picture of you , sarah and I? No matter how things have ended up, I just want to say thanks for making me smile like that in the picture : )
Don't know where that came from, but glad I got it out XD LJ is a pathetic means of communication but oh well, it's something XD
Wish me luck on life guys!!!! I'm still giving it my all!! Please support me!