Oneshot: Somewhere, a Clock is Ticking { ReitaxRuki }
Title: Oneshot: Somewhere, a Clock is Ticking { ReitaxRuki }
Author: yujira
Pairing: ReitaxRuki
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Drama, Angst, Ruki POV
Warnings: Character death
Summary: There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. But the plot.
Comments: I'm sorry for writing this. Maybe it's better to not be read... I'm just horrible.
Death is not anything... death is not...
It's the absence of presence, nothing more... the endless time of never coming back... a gap you can't see.
Fifteen days it has been.
Since I saw you for the last time.
I can still see it vividly.
Even though you already turned so weak, your body only consisting of skin and bones, I remember myself flinching every time I had to touch you, sometimes forced to hold your hand or help you up into a sitting position.
Those eyes, dull and grey but still filled with so much anger and hatred, you didn't even waste a drop to shoot it all towards me.
Dry lips, only whispers were leaving your mouth now and still, you never stopped telling me how much of a fail at life I am.
That I Iook pathetic and stupid, sitting there crying and not being able to answer any of your questions.
Every time I left, you told me to not come back again.
But I did.
Even though it hurt, it hurt so much to be treated like this.
I should've just started hating you, ignoring you, throwing away the fact that you ever existed.
But I couldn't.
Seeing you in this helpless state, I just couldn't leave you alone.
Even though not one single ' Thank you ' ever escaped those lips.
But you concentrated that torture on only me.
You smiled at the others. Laughed, told jokes, thanked them for coming and caring.
But not me... tell me, what have I ever done wrong?
How could you change like that?
Where is the person that I once loved dearly, despite of everything that happened in the past?
You weren't the greatest person, I suffered a lot, felt my heart bleeding and soul cracking but still.
I couldn't let go. Because you belonged in my life. That's all I knew.
Tell me, where you blinded by the fear of dying? That you didn't care about breaking me?
Or did you all of that intentionally, did you want me to start hating you?
Did you want me to stop visiting and caring about you?
Did you think, if I come to hate you, it would be easier to let go and forget about you?
Well, congrats Akira. You got it. I hate you so much. You fucking asshole.
Destroying those feeling I had for you. You think I'm doing any better now?
- Guess what, you only managed to make it harder for me. -
I hate you, I hate you so fucking much but that doesn't mean that I want you to die. That I want to let go of you.
We still could've made some precious memories together. I would have cherished them like the greatest treasure.
But you didn't even give me a chance to do so.
I didn't know that fearful side of you existed to such an extent.
And then. Fifteen days ago. I decided to not visit you anymore. It was becoming too much.
I felt the sadness and hurt overwhelm me each night.
It was so hard to keep a straight face to the people around me.
Smiling, laughing, acting as if everything was alright.
Fighting against burning eyes and an aching throat.
A stabbed heart and shaking limbs.
After months, it got too much. And you finally achieved your goal.
I didn't visit you. Didn't call you. Tried to not think too much of you.
Are you... happy now? Satisfied?
But you managed to hunt me in my dreams.
Last week, I dreamt that you still had four more weeks to live.
One week has passed.
You're dead.
Last night, there had been a call. Kouyou, who stayed with me picked up.
You were doing worse. You could barely breathe. You felt that your time has come.
You asked for Kou to come. For your family as well.
But you told him for me to stay away. You didn't want me by your side in your last moments.
I don't know anymore what I felt back then.
At first I thought about coming along. But I stayed. Stayed in bed, crying myself to sleep.
I don't know your reasons. But I accepted your wish. You didn't want me with you.
And I didn't want to make it even harder on you. Even though I hate you so much.
I did as you told.
I hope that you didn't regret your decision. That you found peace with the people around you.
That you closed your eyes with a calm heart.
When Kouyou came to wake me in the morning, I knew which words would be escaping those lips.
''He died.''
I went blind. Deaf.
I felt the emptiness filling me, killing my insides.
My heart hurts. So much.
Please call and tell me that you're not dead.
Please.
That you want to see me again.
I beg you.
Please...
This is short and pathetic. It's not about a great plot, amazing characters, heart wrenching drama... replace Ruki and Reita with yourself and your dad and you get to see what happened in the past months of my life. It's only been a few hours now... I don't really know how to react to it. I can feel myself shutting down, realization not hitting me fully yet, putting a barrier up to just not feel anything... I know it's wrong. But I can't talk to people about this... I can't. So I decided to write this to let at least a bit of my feelings out... writing it about Ruki&Reita made it a lot easier, I wouldn't have pulled it off any other way. I'm not seeking for any attention or sympathy, I just wanted to make myself clear that this is not some fiction I spend a lot of thought on... it's just my life. So many people go through losses like this, I don't feel special or anything but if it actually happens to you... you stop caring a little about the others, because they care and know about your loss just as much as you about theirs... only you alone are able to truly comprehend and feel this pain then. The one thing that seems the worst to me... he won't see me graduating from school, getting married, having kids, becoming a director and making films, I can't show him that, despite of all the shit he put me through I still want to be able to shine in my future. I really feel that a part of me died as well... Well, they say time heals all wounds, huh? I just wish he wouldn't have behaved this way...
I'm sorry for this rant, I really don't want to make any of you feel uncomfortable... but this is the only way for me to not keep everything fully to myself. I'm really sorry.
also for any messages, replies... I don't know if I'll be able to have normal conversations the next days... I don't know... maybe I should try to keep up to distract myself but. Ugh, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. TELL ME what I'm supposed to do.
Author: yujira
Pairing: ReitaxRuki
Rating: PG-15
Genre: Drama, Angst, Ruki POV
Warnings: Character death
Summary: There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.
Disclaimer: Don't own the characters. But the plot.
Comments: I'm sorry for writing this. Maybe it's better to not be read... I'm just horrible.
Death is not anything... death is not...
It's the absence of presence, nothing more... the endless time of never coming back... a gap you can't see.
Fifteen days it has been.
Since I saw you for the last time.
I can still see it vividly.
Even though you already turned so weak, your body only consisting of skin and bones, I remember myself flinching every time I had to touch you, sometimes forced to hold your hand or help you up into a sitting position.
Those eyes, dull and grey but still filled with so much anger and hatred, you didn't even waste a drop to shoot it all towards me.
Dry lips, only whispers were leaving your mouth now and still, you never stopped telling me how much of a fail at life I am.
That I Iook pathetic and stupid, sitting there crying and not being able to answer any of your questions.
Every time I left, you told me to not come back again.
But I did.
Even though it hurt, it hurt so much to be treated like this.
I should've just started hating you, ignoring you, throwing away the fact that you ever existed.
But I couldn't.
Seeing you in this helpless state, I just couldn't leave you alone.
Even though not one single ' Thank you ' ever escaped those lips.
But you concentrated that torture on only me.
You smiled at the others. Laughed, told jokes, thanked them for coming and caring.
But not me... tell me, what have I ever done wrong?
How could you change like that?
Where is the person that I once loved dearly, despite of everything that happened in the past?
You weren't the greatest person, I suffered a lot, felt my heart bleeding and soul cracking but still.
I couldn't let go. Because you belonged in my life. That's all I knew.
Tell me, where you blinded by the fear of dying? That you didn't care about breaking me?
Or did you all of that intentionally, did you want me to start hating you?
Did you want me to stop visiting and caring about you?
Did you think, if I come to hate you, it would be easier to let go and forget about you?
Well, congrats Akira. You got it. I hate you so much. You fucking asshole.
Destroying those feeling I had for you. You think I'm doing any better now?
- Guess what, you only managed to make it harder for me. -
I hate you, I hate you so fucking much but that doesn't mean that I want you to die. That I want to let go of you.
We still could've made some precious memories together. I would have cherished them like the greatest treasure.
But you didn't even give me a chance to do so.
I didn't know that fearful side of you existed to such an extent.
And then. Fifteen days ago. I decided to not visit you anymore. It was becoming too much.
I felt the sadness and hurt overwhelm me each night.
It was so hard to keep a straight face to the people around me.
Smiling, laughing, acting as if everything was alright.
Fighting against burning eyes and an aching throat.
A stabbed heart and shaking limbs.
After months, it got too much. And you finally achieved your goal.
I didn't visit you. Didn't call you. Tried to not think too much of you.
Are you... happy now? Satisfied?
But you managed to hunt me in my dreams.
Last week, I dreamt that you still had four more weeks to live.
One week has passed.
You're dead.
Last night, there had been a call. Kouyou, who stayed with me picked up.
You were doing worse. You could barely breathe. You felt that your time has come.
You asked for Kou to come. For your family as well.
But you told him for me to stay away. You didn't want me by your side in your last moments.
I don't know anymore what I felt back then.
At first I thought about coming along. But I stayed. Stayed in bed, crying myself to sleep.
I don't know your reasons. But I accepted your wish. You didn't want me with you.
And I didn't want to make it even harder on you. Even though I hate you so much.
I did as you told.
I hope that you didn't regret your decision. That you found peace with the people around you.
That you closed your eyes with a calm heart.
When Kouyou came to wake me in the morning, I knew which words would be escaping those lips.
''He died.''
I went blind. Deaf.
I felt the emptiness filling me, killing my insides.
My heart hurts. So much.
Please call and tell me that you're not dead.
Please.
That you want to see me again.
I beg you.
Please...
This is short and pathetic. It's not about a great plot, amazing characters, heart wrenching drama... replace Ruki and Reita with yourself and your dad and you get to see what happened in the past months of my life. It's only been a few hours now... I don't really know how to react to it. I can feel myself shutting down, realization not hitting me fully yet, putting a barrier up to just not feel anything... I know it's wrong. But I can't talk to people about this... I can't. So I decided to write this to let at least a bit of my feelings out... writing it about Ruki&Reita made it a lot easier, I wouldn't have pulled it off any other way. I'm not seeking for any attention or sympathy, I just wanted to make myself clear that this is not some fiction I spend a lot of thought on... it's just my life. So many people go through losses like this, I don't feel special or anything but if it actually happens to you... you stop caring a little about the others, because they care and know about your loss just as much as you about theirs... only you alone are able to truly comprehend and feel this pain then. The one thing that seems the worst to me... he won't see me graduating from school, getting married, having kids, becoming a director and making films, I can't show him that, despite of all the shit he put me through I still want to be able to shine in my future. I really feel that a part of me died as well... Well, they say time heals all wounds, huh? I just wish he wouldn't have behaved this way...
I'm sorry for this rant, I really don't want to make any of you feel uncomfortable... but this is the only way for me to not keep everything fully to myself. I'm really sorry.
also for any messages, replies... I don't know if I'll be able to have normal conversations the next days... I don't know... maybe I should try to keep up to distract myself but. Ugh, I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. TELL ME what I'm supposed to do.