Say it if it's worth savin me..
I don't know how to begin, I don't know where to start. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling right now. But one thing I'm sure, I'm not okay. I am so close to giving up.
"I enjoyed my journey so far, but will I ever reach my destination?"
Everyone has their own problem they're facing. People might think I'm alright, that there's nothing wrong, that I am a carefree person. They might think that all I do is sleep, eat, watch my fav anime/events/stageplays/concert, tweet, flail, eat, sleep. Yeah, I do that. But behind all this, I am contemplating about my life. Why I ended up like this. What I really want to do but I can't. Why was I ever born.
My life since 2013 was full of ups and a lot of downs. That year was like the turning point of my life. I realized how miserable I was. Working to death without recognition from the higher ups. I get paid to get broke. Add to it the never-ending stress and problem (bookings) and charges. I enjoyed my time working. I was lucky to be working in a good company. I had a work station of my own. I had friends/colleagues and a very kind and considerate supervisor, I found a family. However, I realized I didn't suffer 16 yrs studying my ass off to build a make-believe family. I just wanted all my hard-work to be appreciated. It was so unfortunate I didn't get what I only wanted in my work life. So I quit.
Since then, my life has been continuously becoming more and more miserable. 2014 wasn't a good year for me and my family. My niece was admitted to the hospital due to her asthma attack two or three times that year. My sister was also admitted to the hospital twice. My parents' health weren't good as well. It was a terrible year. Despite me wanting to get back to work, I realized my family, especially my niece whose parents are working abroad, needed me. So I decided to become a second mother to my niece and not let my parents overwork themselves. My dream, if I ever had any at that time, was put aside.
2015 was another not-so-good year for me. I think my heart was broken two times. Nope, it's not about love for the opposite sex. It's about my life in general. I received a very bad news weeks before my birthday. Good timing. Right. Up til now I still don't know what to do about it. 2 or 3 months later, I got rejected big time. I was so crest-fallen I didn't know why I ever existed in the very first place. I ended my year heartbroken but at least my family was complete.
2016. It wasn't a good start of the year. LOL. Another rejection. And it's all I ever needed to convince myself that I am not worthy to live at all. All the things I never thought I might want to do, I'm considering it now. You guessed it right, quitting my life. No, I am not suicidal. In fact, I am afraid of death. I never once thought of it no matter how big my problems were before. This time it's different. Have you ever had an "emo" moment riding on a bus sitting by the window and thinking of farewell messages and what good or faster way to end your life with? Hah! Don't worry, I still haven't figured it out. :D Anyway, I did say I'm considering it. But I never said I'd do it. Not now, at the very least. I am seriously seriouuuuusslyyy thinking what I would miss out when I end my life now. I still have tons of anime to watch and it's just the start of winter season. I still want to see Yuuki's take on Onoda. Need to wait for the Irregular DVD on Feb, man! This may look like a joke but I'm dead serious about this. #FandomSavesLives :D Of course I still want to spend my time with my niece. She's like the very reason I'm still holding on. And.. I've read somewhere (LOL from an episode of Charlotte anime) that the biggest disappointment you'd give to your parents is your (untimely) death.
Why am I saying these things now? Because I can't handle it anymore. I'm the type of person to bottle up things inside as long as I can. I don't open up to people not because I don't trust them but because I want to avoid being emotional as much as possible. Whenever I have problems, I tend to think about it or even cry about it for a day or two and move on afterwards. I hate it when I'm thinking I'm all okay but I know I'm not and all it takes is one question "Are you ok?" and all the pain I'm going through and the tears I've been holding back start to come out in flood. As such, I distance myself to people.
I am lucky enough to have friends who care about me and reach out to me. Glad to know such people still exist. And I'm thankful. Forever grateful. It's not that I reject their offers to be someone I can vent to, depend on, and lean on. I just want to be alone. I become more and more introverted whenever I have problems. I'm sorry. One day I'll open up to you guys!
Okay, enough. I'll just end this post with lyrics from a song that's kinda appropriate to what I'm feeling right now..
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin' and all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And, oh, I scream for you come please,
I'm callin' and all I need from you, hurry, I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
"I enjoyed my journey so far, but will I ever reach my destination?"
Everyone has their own problem they're facing. People might think I'm alright, that there's nothing wrong, that I am a carefree person. They might think that all I do is sleep, eat, watch my fav anime/events/stageplays/concert, tweet, flail, eat, sleep. Yeah, I do that. But behind all this, I am contemplating about my life. Why I ended up like this. What I really want to do but I can't. Why was I ever born.
My life since 2013 was full of ups and a lot of downs. That year was like the turning point of my life. I realized how miserable I was. Working to death without recognition from the higher ups. I get paid to get broke. Add to it the never-ending stress and problem (bookings) and charges. I enjoyed my time working. I was lucky to be working in a good company. I had a work station of my own. I had friends/colleagues and a very kind and considerate supervisor, I found a family. However, I realized I didn't suffer 16 yrs studying my ass off to build a make-believe family. I just wanted all my hard-work to be appreciated. It was so unfortunate I didn't get what I only wanted in my work life. So I quit.
Since then, my life has been continuously becoming more and more miserable. 2014 wasn't a good year for me and my family. My niece was admitted to the hospital due to her asthma attack two or three times that year. My sister was also admitted to the hospital twice. My parents' health weren't good as well. It was a terrible year. Despite me wanting to get back to work, I realized my family, especially my niece whose parents are working abroad, needed me. So I decided to become a second mother to my niece and not let my parents overwork themselves. My dream, if I ever had any at that time, was put aside.
2015 was another not-so-good year for me. I think my heart was broken two times. Nope, it's not about love for the opposite sex. It's about my life in general. I received a very bad news weeks before my birthday. Good timing. Right. Up til now I still don't know what to do about it. 2 or 3 months later, I got rejected big time. I was so crest-fallen I didn't know why I ever existed in the very first place. I ended my year heartbroken but at least my family was complete.
2016. It wasn't a good start of the year. LOL. Another rejection. And it's all I ever needed to convince myself that I am not worthy to live at all. All the things I never thought I might want to do, I'm considering it now. You guessed it right, quitting my life. No, I am not suicidal. In fact, I am afraid of death. I never once thought of it no matter how big my problems were before. This time it's different. Have you ever had an "emo" moment riding on a bus sitting by the window and thinking of farewell messages and what good or faster way to end your life with? Hah! Don't worry, I still haven't figured it out. :D Anyway, I did say I'm considering it. But I never said I'd do it. Not now, at the very least. I am seriously seriouuuuusslyyy thinking what I would miss out when I end my life now. I still have tons of anime to watch and it's just the start of winter season. I still want to see Yuuki's take on Onoda. Need to wait for the Irregular DVD on Feb, man! This may look like a joke but I'm dead serious about this. #FandomSavesLives :D Of course I still want to spend my time with my niece. She's like the very reason I'm still holding on. And.. I've read somewhere (LOL from an episode of Charlotte anime) that the biggest disappointment you'd give to your parents is your (untimely) death.
Why am I saying these things now? Because I can't handle it anymore. I'm the type of person to bottle up things inside as long as I can. I don't open up to people not because I don't trust them but because I want to avoid being emotional as much as possible. Whenever I have problems, I tend to think about it or even cry about it for a day or two and move on afterwards. I hate it when I'm thinking I'm all okay but I know I'm not and all it takes is one question "Are you ok?" and all the pain I'm going through and the tears I've been holding back start to come out in flood. As such, I distance myself to people.
I am lucky enough to have friends who care about me and reach out to me. Glad to know such people still exist. And I'm thankful. Forever grateful. It's not that I reject their offers to be someone I can vent to, depend on, and lean on. I just want to be alone. I become more and more introverted whenever I have problems. I'm sorry. One day I'll open up to you guys!
Okay, enough. I'll just end this post with lyrics from a song that's kinda appropriate to what I'm feeling right now..
Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin' and all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And, oh, I scream for you come please,
I'm callin' and all I need from you, hurry, I'm fallin', I'm fallin'
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me