Vacation, IKEA, fat people, and buses
i'm technically on vacation for the next two weeks but that hasnt stopped my boss from constantly emailing and calling my cell phone to see if i would attend functions and meetings with him. i feel bad for him sometimes because he has little life outside of work and doesn't seem to know what to do with himself besides working. i remember one time we had a conference to attend in hawaii, of all places. i gave him a whole list of suggested things to do, as if you really need suggestions. you would think it's a no brainer that the beach is, what, 20 feet from the entrance of your hotel? nothing to do with free time? grab a towel, trunks, and flip flops and jump in the water? he actually sat around his hotel reading the shit in his conference folder. my conference materials, 99% of which is almost always forgettable junk, usually ends up at the first garbage bin i walk past checking into the airport on the trip home.
but he really likes furniture. antique oaks especially. maybe in another life he can be a furniture salesman.
anyway, yesterday i relented on my day off to go with him to check out a few buildings we might buy. actually he drove up to my house and picked me up, so i had no choice. we saw a few places in a new neighborhood i rarely visit on my own, so actually it didn't turn out to be so bad. he bought lunch too and it was pretty decent.
afterwards, i told him to drop me off at the IKEA nearby so i can get something for my house.
i knew exactly what i was going to get - these slatted wooden pieces for bed frames so your mattress doesnt fall through to the ground. i was carrying that heavy fucking thing when i walked past the kid's section with these toy trains and tracks made from wood. i grabbed three boxes and somehow managed to carry the toy trains and the wooden slats all through the warehouse.
at the counter, i dumped the boxes of toy train tracks and the train cars onto the conveyor belt. the clerk looked at me, smiled, and said that I was "gonna make my little ones really happy."
"Those are actually for me," I said.
She gave me this dirty look. The "what the fucking grown man playing with toys" look.
I gave her back a shrug. A "hurry up bitch and ring up the bill my arm is tired from carrying this 30 pound wooden slat boards" shrug.
After the machine failing to read my credit card until the 5th swipe, I finally paid and had the obligatory hotdogs beyond the registers. then later i lugged all my unwieldy crap over to the parking lot and sucked down half a cigarette in one pull. there i noticed a public bus stop that actually took me back close to home, albeit making every local stop along the way according to the map.
lo and behold there was ms. cashier with the family values standing in line for the bus apparently off from her shift. and also apparent was that she was still unable to mind her own business about my toy train set.
She said, "You know putting together train tracks are great. They help three-year-olds with cognitive and motor skills when they play with them." She emphasized 'three-year-olds' only the way an overweight, diabetic woman with no front teeth could.
"I'm sure it's good training for putting together my IKEA bed frame," i replied, blowing smoke in the general direction of her face.
Before her next wiseass remark came the bus pulled up to the stop, where she jostled her way to the front of the line. except she stepped on a big slush puddle and slipped on her fat ass right in front of the opening bus doors. goddamn i was hiding my face behind the wooden bed slats i was carrying, sweating from twisting my face tight trying not to break out into raucous laughter.
because of all the stuff i was carrying i got on the bus last, not wanting to accidentally knock someone out with my wooden boards. before i got to an open seat the bus pulled into motion, i lost my balance and landed right on the lap of the toothless, fat IKEA clerk from hell. she shoved me, to put it mildly, almost right onto the floor if i had not rolled over her voluminous thighs onto the vacant seat next to her.
so throughout the next hour and 15 minutes on the agonizingly slowest local bus between Brooklyn and Queens, i played a game with that woman. the game of "stare at the other person and turn away right before they stare back at you."
finally she got off somewhere in northern Williamsburg. I watched her saunter down the rear stair exit of the bus, and unfortunately caught a glimpse of her red thong underwear riding up her asscrack. there's got to be regulations limiting Victoria Secrets from manufacturing thongs beyond a certain weight class. i don't know what the fuck Congress is up to but they better get on that shit and pass a bill now. i would testify on that committee to only allow people like her to wear the diapers you see sumos don for matches. if you lasso'ed an albino hippo from the rear, that's probably close to what the thong looked like on her.
eventually i got home. i assembled the IKEA bed, which was for the basement bedroom, since the upper bedrooms already had real bed frames. only reason i bought the IKEA one was because it could fit down the stairs to the basement and be assembled down there. afterwards, i took out my train set and made a figure 8 with the train tracks, before feeling the fatigue of the day catching up to me.
i must have fell right asleep and dozed for hours, cuz the sun went away and the basement was pitch black before i heard my girlfriend coming home from work and flicking on the basement lights to wake me up.
she gave me a kiss and said, "Tom, I wished I had vacation time like you to sit around all day and play with toy trains." if only she knew.
but he really likes furniture. antique oaks especially. maybe in another life he can be a furniture salesman.
anyway, yesterday i relented on my day off to go with him to check out a few buildings we might buy. actually he drove up to my house and picked me up, so i had no choice. we saw a few places in a new neighborhood i rarely visit on my own, so actually it didn't turn out to be so bad. he bought lunch too and it was pretty decent.
afterwards, i told him to drop me off at the IKEA nearby so i can get something for my house.
i knew exactly what i was going to get - these slatted wooden pieces for bed frames so your mattress doesnt fall through to the ground. i was carrying that heavy fucking thing when i walked past the kid's section with these toy trains and tracks made from wood. i grabbed three boxes and somehow managed to carry the toy trains and the wooden slats all through the warehouse.
at the counter, i dumped the boxes of toy train tracks and the train cars onto the conveyor belt. the clerk looked at me, smiled, and said that I was "gonna make my little ones really happy."
"Those are actually for me," I said.
She gave me this dirty look. The "what the fucking grown man playing with toys" look.
I gave her back a shrug. A "hurry up bitch and ring up the bill my arm is tired from carrying this 30 pound wooden slat boards" shrug.
After the machine failing to read my credit card until the 5th swipe, I finally paid and had the obligatory hotdogs beyond the registers. then later i lugged all my unwieldy crap over to the parking lot and sucked down half a cigarette in one pull. there i noticed a public bus stop that actually took me back close to home, albeit making every local stop along the way according to the map.
lo and behold there was ms. cashier with the family values standing in line for the bus apparently off from her shift. and also apparent was that she was still unable to mind her own business about my toy train set.
She said, "You know putting together train tracks are great. They help three-year-olds with cognitive and motor skills when they play with them." She emphasized 'three-year-olds' only the way an overweight, diabetic woman with no front teeth could.
"I'm sure it's good training for putting together my IKEA bed frame," i replied, blowing smoke in the general direction of her face.
Before her next wiseass remark came the bus pulled up to the stop, where she jostled her way to the front of the line. except she stepped on a big slush puddle and slipped on her fat ass right in front of the opening bus doors. goddamn i was hiding my face behind the wooden bed slats i was carrying, sweating from twisting my face tight trying not to break out into raucous laughter.
because of all the stuff i was carrying i got on the bus last, not wanting to accidentally knock someone out with my wooden boards. before i got to an open seat the bus pulled into motion, i lost my balance and landed right on the lap of the toothless, fat IKEA clerk from hell. she shoved me, to put it mildly, almost right onto the floor if i had not rolled over her voluminous thighs onto the vacant seat next to her.
so throughout the next hour and 15 minutes on the agonizingly slowest local bus between Brooklyn and Queens, i played a game with that woman. the game of "stare at the other person and turn away right before they stare back at you."
finally she got off somewhere in northern Williamsburg. I watched her saunter down the rear stair exit of the bus, and unfortunately caught a glimpse of her red thong underwear riding up her asscrack. there's got to be regulations limiting Victoria Secrets from manufacturing thongs beyond a certain weight class. i don't know what the fuck Congress is up to but they better get on that shit and pass a bill now. i would testify on that committee to only allow people like her to wear the diapers you see sumos don for matches. if you lasso'ed an albino hippo from the rear, that's probably close to what the thong looked like on her.
eventually i got home. i assembled the IKEA bed, which was for the basement bedroom, since the upper bedrooms already had real bed frames. only reason i bought the IKEA one was because it could fit down the stairs to the basement and be assembled down there. afterwards, i took out my train set and made a figure 8 with the train tracks, before feeling the fatigue of the day catching up to me.
i must have fell right asleep and dozed for hours, cuz the sun went away and the basement was pitch black before i heard my girlfriend coming home from work and flicking on the basement lights to wake me up.
she gave me a kiss and said, "Tom, I wished I had vacation time like you to sit around all day and play with toy trains." if only she knew.