Mat, Sleeplessness, Shawn, Sleeplessness, Yu-Gi-Oh, and the simple things.
I am in a stupor. Sleeplessness is so pervading when you're a college student. There's the fear of missing something, but then there's the fear of dreaming. Or maybe those are just the reasons I'M sleepless (tonight, anyway). I have weird dreams, but sometimes they're so far off the normal plane I'm not sure what to think.
Then again, I have been missing having dreams.
I really like a guy named Mat that just moved to Nebraska and he's a really busy guy even despite his distance. He reminds me of Daragon...I don't think anyone reading this will know who Daragon Henry is except perhaps Beckylotta (if she reads this). A startlingly aware boy-o without a fear of living and...just BEING.
A quick explanation to those of you who are lost: I wrote a book called "Growth Spurts" two years ago. Character based off me (somewhat loosely): Wolfgang Harrison (Harrison was the surname of my best friend who died just months before I began writing the book). The character who epitomized everything I love in humanity: Daragon Henry. There was a powerful, unexplainable psychic connection between the two, which I personally believe happens in some people. It has happened to me in the past. (Would you like to hear the story?)
In any case, Mat reminds me of Daragon if for no other reason than the fulness of his life and his somewhat carefree attitude (which Daragon exuded unapologetically). It makes me long for life.
Life is difficult to come by in the purest sense of the word.
We discussed emotional numbness in Personality class today. A girl in my class didn't understand how it was possible to not feel ANYTHING. As the default psychology "expert" in that class (I have taken the most psych. courses AND I have done the most recreational reading on psychology), I was asked to explain. I gave the best explanation I knew, but it didn't suffice and she was still confused. Finally I opened up a bit more than I'd anticipated and shared some experiences from my past when I felt truly emotionally numb (specifically, after I cut my wrists). We bantered back and forth (the teacher and I, that is) about how to best explain it, and I gave actual examples of how my mother would be crying and it would have no effect on my emotions. My professor gave the analogy that it was as though i wasn't watching my mother cry...that I was watching a chair. Then it dawned on me and I corrected her assessment: "Well, it's not so much that I felt like I was watching the chair as it was that I felt like I WAS the chair...just taking up space with relatively no purpose or use...and definitely as though I were an object and not a human being." The girl suddenly grasped the concept. I felt like I'd done some good. She's planning on being a future counselor (incidentally, I think she will be great at it), and I hope that she can use that information someday.
It is odd how so many of my past experiences I will readily share with strangers but how hesitant I can be to share others. And how the group of strangers determines which things fall into which category. I don't understand it.
Shawn...what can I say about him. I think of him every day and while the pain of the experience of having accepted my love for someone who couldn't care less about me (anymore) has somewhat lessened, I find him pushing his ...indescribable self into my mind. It has all been tainted...dirtied, too, by the revelation that he has become an indiscriminately promiscuous guy. I don't guess that I blame him too much. As kind and beautiful as he is, it would be difficult to pass up the adoration and affection people are probably more than willing to dole out.
I miss talking to him, and I fight every day against the self-blame that wants so badly to adhere to my mind. It's not my fault. I have to remind myself that it's not my fault that we aren't even friends anymore. I have to also remind myself that I can't feel hatred for the guy who IS to blame. It's in the past, and while hating him would be the easy thing to do, it wouldn't be the RIGHT thing to do.
I am addicted to "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and have been following two separate plot lines. One on the string of episodes that comes on in the afternoons on the Kids WB, then another on the episodes that air weekday evenings on Cartoon Network.
Is it wrong to want Yugi to fall in love with me? *LMAO*
Oh Jesus God...save me. *LOL*
He's so cute, I can't stand it. The way he whips out that Dark Magician card just makes me want to crawl up a wall.
for the record, tonight, Yugi defeated Mai Valentine BARELY...but all the duels are BARELY won, it seems. this afternoon was awesome. Yugi brought the smackdown on Bakura (who was possessed by the evil spirit in his Millenium Ring) with his Egyptian god card which was some air dragon or something. I was freaking out (in a good way) because when he played the card (and with such confidence!) there was that, like...choral music that always plays in a really pivotal yet frightening moment in horror movies. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, it was awesome. Bakura sucks.
I hate Pegasus Maximillion. His cards are retarded. Toons? CARTOONS?!?!?! Oh GEEEEEZUS. What a jackass. "I call on the Blue-eyes TOON dragon. dote de dote de doh!" har har. How retarded. And it bends out of the way of the enemy's blast. For those of you who didn't guess it already, I'm rolling my eyes A LOT right now. Then again, Pegasus is a big, fat cheater.
Shane and I are going to be the Harry Potter CCG kings and nothing will stop us, not even you, Lord Voldemort! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOM.
Wait...was that an Invader Zim flashback?
I miss that show... (said a la GIR)
Well, boyz and girlz and fishez, I need me some sleep. I am exhausted, depressed (I hate Scott and Nick...well, ALMOST hate), and confused (so confused that i can't really explain what I'm confused about).
So a recap of today:
1. Yugi is second only to James Dean on my list of desired lovers.
2. Mat is my favorite boy-o.
3. Allison is healthy as a defensive pessimist but very unhealthy with all her double-bind communication (to every credit, there's a debit).
4. Life is...complicated.
and
5. The live journal for serial_jive is fucked up but finally he's updated it. I have to admit that while it seems like he's had his closure (for which I'm both grateful and frightened), I'm kind of sad that I waited so long for only one more post. I would like to read more, but then again, some stories aren't meant to go on. The writers for "The Neverending Story" movie series should have definitely learned that lesson WAY before part 4...but at least they gave a young and still funny Jack Black a job...he was actually the only good thing about whichever part he was in (3 or 4...can't remember).
See you all later.
Then again, I have been missing having dreams.
I really like a guy named Mat that just moved to Nebraska and he's a really busy guy even despite his distance. He reminds me of Daragon...I don't think anyone reading this will know who Daragon Henry is except perhaps Beckylotta (if she reads this). A startlingly aware boy-o without a fear of living and...just BEING.
A quick explanation to those of you who are lost: I wrote a book called "Growth Spurts" two years ago. Character based off me (somewhat loosely): Wolfgang Harrison (Harrison was the surname of my best friend who died just months before I began writing the book). The character who epitomized everything I love in humanity: Daragon Henry. There was a powerful, unexplainable psychic connection between the two, which I personally believe happens in some people. It has happened to me in the past. (Would you like to hear the story?)
In any case, Mat reminds me of Daragon if for no other reason than the fulness of his life and his somewhat carefree attitude (which Daragon exuded unapologetically). It makes me long for life.
Life is difficult to come by in the purest sense of the word.
We discussed emotional numbness in Personality class today. A girl in my class didn't understand how it was possible to not feel ANYTHING. As the default psychology "expert" in that class (I have taken the most psych. courses AND I have done the most recreational reading on psychology), I was asked to explain. I gave the best explanation I knew, but it didn't suffice and she was still confused. Finally I opened up a bit more than I'd anticipated and shared some experiences from my past when I felt truly emotionally numb (specifically, after I cut my wrists). We bantered back and forth (the teacher and I, that is) about how to best explain it, and I gave actual examples of how my mother would be crying and it would have no effect on my emotions. My professor gave the analogy that it was as though i wasn't watching my mother cry...that I was watching a chair. Then it dawned on me and I corrected her assessment: "Well, it's not so much that I felt like I was watching the chair as it was that I felt like I WAS the chair...just taking up space with relatively no purpose or use...and definitely as though I were an object and not a human being." The girl suddenly grasped the concept. I felt like I'd done some good. She's planning on being a future counselor (incidentally, I think she will be great at it), and I hope that she can use that information someday.
It is odd how so many of my past experiences I will readily share with strangers but how hesitant I can be to share others. And how the group of strangers determines which things fall into which category. I don't understand it.
Shawn...what can I say about him. I think of him every day and while the pain of the experience of having accepted my love for someone who couldn't care less about me (anymore) has somewhat lessened, I find him pushing his ...indescribable self into my mind. It has all been tainted...dirtied, too, by the revelation that he has become an indiscriminately promiscuous guy. I don't guess that I blame him too much. As kind and beautiful as he is, it would be difficult to pass up the adoration and affection people are probably more than willing to dole out.
I miss talking to him, and I fight every day against the self-blame that wants so badly to adhere to my mind. It's not my fault. I have to remind myself that it's not my fault that we aren't even friends anymore. I have to also remind myself that I can't feel hatred for the guy who IS to blame. It's in the past, and while hating him would be the easy thing to do, it wouldn't be the RIGHT thing to do.
I am addicted to "Yu-Gi-Oh!" and have been following two separate plot lines. One on the string of episodes that comes on in the afternoons on the Kids WB, then another on the episodes that air weekday evenings on Cartoon Network.
Is it wrong to want Yugi to fall in love with me? *LMAO*
Oh Jesus God...save me. *LOL*
He's so cute, I can't stand it. The way he whips out that Dark Magician card just makes me want to crawl up a wall.
for the record, tonight, Yugi defeated Mai Valentine BARELY...but all the duels are BARELY won, it seems. this afternoon was awesome. Yugi brought the smackdown on Bakura (who was possessed by the evil spirit in his Millenium Ring) with his Egyptian god card which was some air dragon or something. I was freaking out (in a good way) because when he played the card (and with such confidence!) there was that, like...choral music that always plays in a really pivotal yet frightening moment in horror movies. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, it was awesome. Bakura sucks.
I hate Pegasus Maximillion. His cards are retarded. Toons? CARTOONS?!?!?! Oh GEEEEEZUS. What a jackass. "I call on the Blue-eyes TOON dragon. dote de dote de doh!" har har. How retarded. And it bends out of the way of the enemy's blast. For those of you who didn't guess it already, I'm rolling my eyes A LOT right now. Then again, Pegasus is a big, fat cheater.
Shane and I are going to be the Harry Potter CCG kings and nothing will stop us, not even you, Lord Voldemort! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOOOOOOM.
Wait...was that an Invader Zim flashback?
I miss that show... (said a la GIR)
Well, boyz and girlz and fishez, I need me some sleep. I am exhausted, depressed (I hate Scott and Nick...well, ALMOST hate), and confused (so confused that i can't really explain what I'm confused about).
So a recap of today:
1. Yugi is second only to James Dean on my list of desired lovers.
2. Mat is my favorite boy-o.
3. Allison is healthy as a defensive pessimist but very unhealthy with all her double-bind communication (to every credit, there's a debit).
4. Life is...complicated.
and
5. The live journal for serial_jive is fucked up but finally he's updated it. I have to admit that while it seems like he's had his closure (for which I'm both grateful and frightened), I'm kind of sad that I waited so long for only one more post. I would like to read more, but then again, some stories aren't meant to go on. The writers for "The Neverending Story" movie series should have definitely learned that lesson WAY before part 4...but at least they gave a young and still funny Jack Black a job...he was actually the only good thing about whichever part he was in (3 or 4...can't remember).
See you all later.